There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, it's time to start a new thread and I think I will call this one "A New Beginning."
I have been reading the DB book - its a '92 edition, is there an updated one with more stuff?? - and really got to thinking about the parts about how divorce is about divorcing the family and not the marriage, and also about how children are affected.
Reading those parts again almost brought me to my knees. I mean, how can the W - who supposedly loves her children so much - consider this? I know this has been talked about time and again but this really, really bothers me. My W is so convinced that the kids will not suffer at all - she has said over and over that if we remain friends then they will be OK. I just want to die.
Sorry, having a really hard time now. I thought I was doing so well in the detachment department. Haven't contacted the W in any form (she still lives in the house and moves at the beginning of January) except about the kids, and even then that's if it is important. It really seems as if she has moved on. This morning, when she was getting stuff ready for work, she was talking about s6 and said "I had to bring him into your room." I just stopped listening there. YOUR room. I know I shouldn't read into things, but its things like that which send my head spiraling.
Other things keep running through my head, too, like when she said the other day about how when she moves to her new base she will use that time to decide and that she wanted to get used to her not being around. Also, that I should let her go. I know - don't believe what they say, but dang that is hard to write off.
A new beginning. I am trying now to really figure out how things will be. I just want my W back. But I have come to the conclusion that most likely won't happen. I hate that more than anything else in life.
After reflecting on our marriage, I just still don't see any valid reason for divorce. It took me so long - and making so many mistakes - to realize just how much her past history has "screwed" her up. The W I look at now is not the same person I dated and married.
And then there is the dreaded FaceBook. She is starting to spend more time on it again. I called FB evil the other day and she made her usual defensive comment...
So, I was thinking of telling her this regarding FB - "if it wasn't evil and a relationship killer, then why don't you ever see any posts on saving a relationship? Its always move on for greener grass." Would that be bad to say or should I just drop it? It just sickens me so much that she thinks its all so inspirational. I just really, really want to snoop in her FB again, although I haven't done that since April.
So for me, its just one foot in front of the other. It seems that as if I had gone backwards from where I thought I was. I am focusing on becoming what I can and where I need to be for my kids. They are my reason.
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/23/1503:09 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, I am in hell today too. But just drop the whole FB thing. Drop it. She will not get it, she will not care. You are wasting your words.
Don't get me started on FB. I sometimes look at the DB Facebook site and I wish I could "share" and repost those postings, but then I am worried that will lead a friend or family member here, and then they will "out" me.
But there are some good posts there that you would like.
I have been reading the DB book - its a '92 edition, is there an updated one with more stuff?? - and really got to thinking about the parts about how divorce is about divorcing the family and not the marriage, and also about how children are affected. MWD also wrote "Divorce Remedy". Ive never read the original, but Ive heard that DR is more updated. I dont know the detailed comparison of the content though.
Reading those parts again almost brought me to my knees. I mean, how can the W - who supposedly loves her children so much - consider this? I know this has been talked about time and again but this really, really bothers me. My W is so convinced that the kids will not suffer at all - she has said over and over that if we remain friends then they will be OK. I just want to die. Because she's selfish. Plain and simple. Thats all there is to it. She thinks she deserves to be 'happy' and that happiness is a thing to be FOUND not a thing to be ACHIEVED. So, she will lie to herself and everyone around her to help show herself that shes making the right choices.
Sorry, having a really hard time now. I thought I was doing so well in the detachment department. Dont worry. It will come and go in waves. Just trend generally forward, and youll be OK.
Haven't contacted the W in any form (she still lives in the house and moves at the beginning of January) except about the kids, and even then that's if it is important. It really seems as if she has moved on. This morning, when she was getting stuff ready for work, she was talking about s6 and said "I had to bring him into your room." I just stopped listening there. YOUR room. I know I shouldn't read into things, but its things like that which send my head spiraling. Yeah. It is what it is on that front. Again, just keep moving forward.
Other things keep running through my head, too, like when she said the other day about how when she moves to her new base she will use that time to decide and that she wanted to get used to her not being around. Also, that I should let her go. I know - don't believe what they say, but dang that is hard to write off. What if I told you that shes ALREADY decided? How would that change your approach?
A new beginning. I am trying now to really figure out how things will be. I just want my W back. But I have come to the conclusion that most likely won't happen. I hate that more than anything else in life.
After reflecting on our marriage, I just still don't see any valid reason for divorce. It took me so long - and making so many mistakes - to realize just how much her past history has "screwed" her up. The W I look at now is not the same person I dated and married. Of course not. But that girl isnt coming back. Thats why you need to put your focus on you. Clean up your side of the street. That way, youll be prepared for that next girl, whoever it is.
And then there is the dreaded FaceBook. She is starting to spend more time on it again. I called FB evil the other day and she made her usual defensive comment...
So, I was thinking of telling her this regarding FB - "if it wasn't evil and a relationship killer, then why don't you ever see any posts on saving a relationship? Its always move on for greener grass." Would that be bad to say or should I just drop it? It just sickens me so much that she thinks its all so inspirational. I just really, really want to snoop in her FB again, although I haven't done that since April. Blech. Leave it alone. Not a single bit of good could come from whatever you say or do or find on there.
So for me, its just one foot in front of the other. It seems that as if I had gone backwards from where I thought I was. I am focusing on becoming what I can and where I need to be for my kids. They are my reason. Finally. Something in here I can get on board with
Still think coming up with a plan for when they leave is a good idea? I want to believe her when she says she will use that time to figure things out, but the negative nancy in me says that will be her catalyst.
Understand about the outing part. In our last session, my W brought up something that sounded a lot like what I had posted on here but has given no indication of even knowing about this place.
I know I should drop the FB thing. Its a thorn in my side to see her on the couch on the damn phone checking FB. Especially when the kids are there wanting to engage her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Azzork! I am so glad that you stopped by - you hit me with the shovel when I need it!
Quote:
Because she's selfish. Plain and simple. Thats all there is to it. She thinks she deserves to be 'happy' and that happiness is a thing to be FOUND not a thing to be ACHIEVED. So, she will lie to herself and everyone around her to help show herself that shes making the right choices.
So true. I am reminded of one of her messages I saw in which she said "I never knew I was so sad." Did I mention before about how easily manipulated she can be?
I will get Divorce Remedy. Thank you!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Still think coming up with a plan for when they leave is a good idea? I want to believe her when she says she will use that time to figure things out, but the negative nancy in me says that will be her catalyst.
Understand about the outing part. In our last session, my W brought up something that sounded a lot like what I had posted on here but has given no indication of even knowing about this place.
I know I should drop the FB thing. Its a thorn in my side to see her on the couch on the damn phone checking FB. Especially when the kids are there wanting to engage her.
Hi Spiff, yes, we still need a plan because 1- its not over until its over, and 2- the plan will be more about how we can maintain our own sanity and emotional health as we move through this painful process whatever happens. So we come out of this stronger no matter what our spouses decide to do.
A plan sounds more than good. I wish I had some optimism as you do. Maybe one day things will turn around. Its funny (no, maybe sad) that I get my hopes up so much only to have them dashed. Anytime you are ready, let me know! Lets build the plan of all plans!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
As I was out in a little break this thought occurred to me. In our last session, my W accused me of trying to use the kids in our situation. She said something to the sort of me using them to try to steer the situation - for example, when S6 asked something about going on a roller coaster ride on our usual family trip next year I said "sure, we will do it" or "yes, we will go next year." She ranted on that for a bit, but I said this to the counselor: "yes, I told S6 that to pacify him, nothing else. They think we are a family with no problems whatsoever and I won't tell them otherwise." Ugh. Was that wrong?
Funny how when I stop contact the W notices. Haven't contacted her all day and when she asked if she could make an appointment for something Friday I said "ok" and nothing else. I felt I had to answer because I didn't want to be rude (I know...). A few minutes later she texts and asked if I was ok. Didn't answer a bit but said yes. Another one word answer. Apparently that kind of stuff gets to her. Oh well.
Thanksgiving is approaching fast. The SIL is coming in the day before. I have an itching feeling that something is going to happen during that time. As I said, the SIL is extremely manipulative towards the W and gets her to bend to her will almost effortlessly. I have a strong feeling that the SIL is now starting to go after the kids and how the W should have them or whatever. I say this because she just brought that out of the blue - first time I heard of it. How do I counter that kind of stuff?
I am trying so hard to keep things together, but I am coming to the conclusion that the W is done and completely checked out. I will survive and move on and have a life without her because I did for 35 years before her, but it is so hard to think of. I can do it, but I don't want to. I keep finding every excuse to be near her or whatever, but I am getting to the point to where she really needs to sh*t or get off pot (sorry for that visual). I am scared, no lie. I am scared of life without her. But I am most scared for the children - S6 is a little on the sensitive side and really loves us and our family. I am so afraid of what this will do to him. I will fight to my dying breath for them, but I can't take seeing them in a second of pain. How do ya'll do it?????
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/23/1508:39 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
But I am most scared for the children - S6 is a little on the sensitive side and really loves us and our family. I am so afraid of what this will do to him. I will fight to my dying breath for them, but I can't take seeing them in a second of pain. How do ya'll do it?????
You just love the little guys with all your heart. You kiss them a lot and then some more, you allways tell them you love them, you play with them at their level, get right on the ground with them. Go goofy. Discover the inner kid (again). Roll in the snow with them, get dirty with them, let them get dirty and messy, make huge piles of leafs and jump in them. Bury yourself and chuck heaps of leafs at them, recognize their inner glow of magic, that glow that we adults lost somewhere. Your little hero is only going to be six for a short while, so use and enjoy every micro second of it...
