I accessed the account through a joint email account and reset her password.
Why did you do that? That just let her know to go underground.
Quote:
I don't think they are PA , and no sexting. He is living with a partner and has a D11, I can use it as leverage.
Does a PA have to have sexting? Have they met in person? I have a hard time believing that if two are in meeting distance that they would just remain in a PA. Others may know more, though.
Quote:
I want to kick her out of MBR
That would be the logical thing to do, but...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Another reason you need a plan is if you charge in there today with just a couple Facebook posts (screenshots) only they will just say they suspected you were watching and simply pretending hoping to bust you snooping on them.
Play dumb - accept her explanation, apologize and promise to never try to snoop on her ever again.
Then -ASAP go an get the recording device and snoop SMARTER.
This is war. Your kids deserve your best effort and busting up this affair the right way give them the best chance of having their mom and dad work things out. You've had 3 years of a stalemate and it's no wonder....there was a fox in your henhouse and your hen is completely fixated on the fox. There is no "working on your marriage", reconciliation or "piecing" when a third party interloper remains involved in any way.
Also, be very careful. Many a wayward wife has used these confrontations to accuse the betrayed spouse of abuse. She could call the cops on you and try to get you removed from the home AND a domestic charge against you (giving her advantage when it comes to custody of the children and everything else in a divorce case).
Again....throwing her out of the MBR isn't the first priority right now.
Keep your wits about you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
DISCLAIMER. I only googled this 5 minutes ago. I'd verify this but listening devices are legal in the UK IF it's a public place or your own home. I don't think your W's car falls into that category but I'm not an expert.
And people miss type their passwords all the time if you get my drift.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
DISCLAIMER. I only googled this 5 minutes ago. I'd verify this but listening devices are legal in the UK IF it's a public place or your own home. I don't think your W's car falls into that category but I'm not an expert.
And people miss type their passwords all the time if you get my drift.
Quick thinking NDY.
Maybe the car is titled in his name?
Plus, what listening device? Buy it with cash and hide the receipt (you can usually return the device once it's done it's job....it's not healthy to keep snooping and you are more likely to get caught the longer you do it and it'll then become all about what a controlling, emotionally abusive, suspicious spouse you are - so return the device and get your cash back within the terms of the store you bought it from).
Practice with the device but when it's hidden it should not have your voice on it all all. If she finds it, it'll be hard to claim it wasn't you if the device has your voice on it. It's so easy to accidentally test it and say "HI" or "testing 1, 2 3". Delete any test recordings you make when practicing with it. This way you can deny it's yours. Maybe it was OM. Maybe it was your wife trying to set you up as a controlling overly suspicious snooper. Whatever, but it wasn't you.
BTW - I'm over a decade recovered. My wife is THRILLED with everything I did to save her and our family. Snooping is what's best for her too because she's been living this lie for a long time. It's like pulling off the band-aid...it'll be a relief to her to some extent (though that won't be obvious for a long time).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I am away from home but actually returned tonight close to my home town to do my GAL activity - salsa dancing. W thinks I am 100 miles further away.
I had to reset her FB password using a joint acct so I could access it. She realised something was up about 30 mins later. And reset it again on her smartphone.
She has subsequently rung me twice ( voicemail 1st time and then text then another call) . I was doing salsa so didn't answer. She is checking my temperature.
I played it cool , no mention of OM ,, she talked about kids, let me speak to kids then talked about her work. I played it straight as a die.
So I'll gather evidence.
The FB messages I will analyse.
I am not home until Friday.
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/23/1508:34 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
You need to be so careful with your new information. Don't do anything at this point. It may feel like there is much to be gained by exposing the details, but resist that urge.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I am away from home but actually returned tonight close to my home town to do my GAL activity - salsa dancing. W thinks I am 100 miles further away.
I had to reset her FB password using a joint acct so I could access it. She realised something was up about 30 mins later. And reset it again on her smartphone.
She has subsequently rung me twice ( voicemail 1st time and then text then another call) . I was doing salsa so didn't answer. She is checking my temperature.
I played it cool , no mention of OM ,, she talked about kids, let me speak to kids then talked about her work. I played it straight as a die.
So I'll gather evidence.
The FB messages I will analyse.
I am not home until Friday.
Not home until Friday. I'd have a lot of trouble sitting and waiting all week to even start to gather good intelligence.
If you have the means - I'd suggest calling a Private Investigator. With you out of town is when she is likely meeting up with OM. My guess he is either a guy from work OR a guy from the gym. When you are out of town he probably sneaks into your house for a couple hours after your kids go to bed. A private eye could stake out your house tonight and see if anyone comes over. While he/she is at it they could try to get a GPS tracking device on your wife's car. If you know who OM is try to get a tracking device on his car too. Amazingly, this isn't illegal in my state as long as they place the device on the car in a public area (they can't break into someone's garage and put it on). You being out of town is perfect cover. In the alternative, sneak back a day early yourself and stake it out yourself. It shouldn't be long after the boys go to bed that OM sneaks over...fools around and then heads home to his girlfriend.
Then...hide the recording device in her car before you have your confrontation with her whereby you tell her the gig is up and it's time to stop her affair or leave herself. She probably won't and you'll be stuck in a position like NYD for awhile sharing a home WHILE she remains wayward but maybe not. Like I said before, some way wards are relieved it's finally over. Living a lie is exhausting and anxiety laden. Anyway - you hide the device in her car before you confront because it is very typical that the wayward immediately after confrontation needs to take off for a drive so they can talk to their paramour about coordinating their stories and trying to figure out how to put the whole thing back in a box. It's a great conversation to snoop on because it tells you just about everything and USUALLY the OM freaks out in fear you are going to call his wife (or girlfriend in this case) and he starts the process of throwing the wayward wife under the bus by begging her to protect him and the secret from his girlfriend. This is usually NOT the response the wayward wife wants. She thinks and feels that she is his 1st priority and it's the first realization that she was really just a piece of side action to OM and he's a really good liar.
After that - no more snooping. GAL and detach. Read the Last Resort Technique whereby unless she ends her affair...you don't want anything to do with her. As hard as it is (I've been there) maintain your dignity. Do not yell or scream at her. Be a gentleman and remain calm and rational. Indicate that she has destroyed you and how devastated you are but that you are going to be OK...it's her that you are worried about (because really way wards don't fair well - depression and suicide are common). She is the mother of your children and IF YOU WANT TO (divorce is a legitimate option and no one would blame you if you filed and never looked back) but if you want to save this marriage - if she ends her affair you might actually FINALLY have a chance.
Very sorry for the day you've had. It's not like you are getting any real work done this week anyway - might as well call in sick and then go stake out your house. If nothing happens - just walk in real late acting sick as a dog and acting like you have the runs and vomiting. Race in - checking if OM is there but then run to the bathroom and pretend to be sick. Then go to bed. At some point, before or after you enter - try to hide the device in her car and then sleep or fake sleep until she leaves in the morning (with your recording device all set up ready to catch her). Retrieve it the next day and you should have enough "proof". Do understand that she KNOWS she's having an affair so it's not like the proof has to be enough to convince her....you just need enough to prove to her that you actually know the full truth (and/or be convincing that you know it all) such that you overcome the barrier whereupon she just can't keep denying it. The recording device in her car AFTER you confront should then tell you what her plans and intentions are AFTER you bust her.
Who is OM? What do you know about him? Once you finish having your revelation conversation with your wife I would strongly encourage you to let his girlfriend and baby mama know about the affair. Like you, she deserves to know the absolute truth about her life as well. Because they are not married (which is a big reason they both carry this affair on secretly for so long) his girlfriend is probably really in the driver's seat regarding custody. He wants to keep his family intact for his kid and your wife hoped to do the same for hers so they just cheat secretly for a long time. Once his girlfriend finds out - the most likely outcome (but not always) is that she whips her boyfriend back into line and gives him the choice of leaving or staying and never speaking to your wife again. Most OM's choose the later and try to save their primary relationships. There are no guarantees but the alternative (they keep dating and OM gets to cheat on his girlfriend behind her back while you know the truth - until some day far far far in the future someone makes a choice and decides to divorce or not is just unbearable. If your wife is eventually going to divorce you to be with OM - better now that another year or two of what you've been enduring already. Wouldn't you agree?
I know you claim to be spiritual but not that religious but did you know that the words "fear not" or "do not be afraid" appear over a 100 times in the Bible? God doesn't want you to be fearful. Adultery is evil. It's Satan attacking your family. You don't have to believe me - take a look around you. Everyone is miserable. Your kids can even sense it. Satan is relishing the victory of his demons over your family. If you never been a prayerful man...now might be the time to start. Google "a hedge of protection", "hedge of thorns" and "the armor of God" for a start.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
OK I've bought the voice recorder and will set it up at the weekend.
Ive calmed down a bit and recognise this stuff for what it is 'an EA'.
I've analysed the FB messenger transcripts (3 screenshots).
He is a lot more into her than she is into him.
Caveat: First there is not a lot of FB messenger conversation as I think they only use FB messenger when he has broken/lost his phone. So most of their stuff is by text or phone call. I know she regularly rings him when she is driving home.
It only starts on 2nd Nov and there is a big gap from 10th - 18th.
W doesnt say 'ILY, 'cant wait to see you' 'shall we meet...' or anything about meeting up. No endearments though She does sign off two( out of 10) replies with 'xx' but most women do that. I have female friends who do it to me.
The most incriminating sentence from W is 'Missing You (name) ...and a teary emoticon (no kisses).... that was last night FFS!!
On the other hand he says 'you are a very funny and beautiful lady and I love you loads' ....would love to know what his partner would think of that..wanker.
He also mocks me, about how he has friended me on FB and it takes the pressure off W
I don't think there is a PA, but I will snoop some more.
W knows that someone has hacked her account - how?? she changed the password 30 mins after I had changed it.
She then rang me twice and texted me and later tagged me in a FB post.
What do I do? I will read Sandi2s WW threads again and plan.
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/23/1510:56 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
GB - I know the OM vaguely over the last 6 years as his D went to the same school as my S11.
Since W told me about him being a 'good friend' about 4 weeks ago I have met him twice and he asked via FB to be my 'friend'.
If I confront her she will say I am paranoid, 'he is just a good friend' 'ok I flirt with him a bit so what?? I flirt with lots of men' etc
Deflect and deny.
I am reading Sandi2s thread but initially it concerns the sitch where the A is out in the open and W cant deny.
How do I confront her without showing I hacked her FB messenger?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I know how hopeful you are that there isn't more but your situation the last three years makes so much more sense IF she's been cheating than if she's just being wish washy. The reason the whole ILYBNILWY speech is so typical for wayward women is predicated on the fact that generally women only love one man at a time and if it ain't you (especially after spending months trying to reconnect with her) then it's someone else.
How long has this guy been around?
If they have been "friends" for a long time - I'd suspect it was him all along
If they are new "friends" then I'd suspect there was someone else three years ago that triggered this cascading descent in your marriage and now she's with a different guy.
Sorry. That's enough speculation. You'll know the truth soon enough. Be patient. Sometimes it takes a few days. You can do a few things to spur the need for them to communicate (just in case they get suspicious that you are suspicious and they back off communicating for a few days. Maybe change your plans and tell her you need to be gone all next week or vice versa. Also, it is very likely you'll get the best details from a conversation between her and her girlfriend or sister "in the know" rather than some cryptic conversation between her and OM. If this is a new OM; hopefully you'll be able to get any and all details of any and all past affairs (if any). The key is getting ALL the truth whatever it may be and then going from there.
Again - I am truly sorry. From everything I've read on your thread you have been running in circles and doing everything you could to save your marriage and family. You just didn't know you had a wayward partner that truly wasn't trying at all. Honesty is the foundation of all relationships....without it the structure above will only sink. You weren't perfect but nobody is. If this were the time to give you recommendations (and I say this now because I doubt I'll be around much), it would be that you need to find a job that serves your marriage and family first. You can't be spending so many nights apart. Either quit and find something local or find a way to work WITH your wife. You just can't rebuild a loving marriage of extraordinary care if you don't see each other literally every day.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
