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So almost 12 months to the last time he did this. I think I'm on route to bring back here.

Dh has been miserable about maybe the past month.. He's working real hard to try and get a promotion and his employer is making him jump through hoops... He's working 50 hour weeks and bringing work home.

He's said the past few weeks that I shouldn't take these silences personally, and that he's just tired out.. After reading mwd book about better communication with your dh I thought I'd leave him to it and sort of lovingly unattach myself..

So last night I manage to get it out of him that he isn't happy.. He doesn't know wether this is just him feeling stressed from work and some health issues, or wether he really is just happy. I must admit, we were out so I went to fight or flight, and got up to leave.. He looked genuinely panicked and told me to sit down, he then tried to hold my hand.. I didn't really react to him.. I said what more did he honestly want from me. He doesn't know. I said that I would just get up and go find some place to leave. He said I was overreacting to his omission of being unhappy to me needing to leave and get a divorce. I said how only the other week he said he was petrified of me leaving and doesn't ever want me to leave him and how his life is lovely and empty without me. And he said well I don't want you to go anywhere, your the mother of my child and I will always love you for what you've done for me.

I said what are we supposed to do, he said this is his issue- not mine..

So what do I do?? Do I sit here and wait for it to unfold like last time?!
I'm so so sick of this, I want my marriage to work, but I also deserve someone who loves me. I know I have something to give someone. But I want someone who appreciates me and loves me.. Not treat me like this.

I don't know what to do. I feel at rock bottom once a f***king- gain.. And I'm tired, I'm so so tired


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
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Hi Cherry, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you guys ever go to MC when you were trying to piece after his A? If you didn't - might that be an option now to try and get things back on track?

I can understand your fear and your tiredness, but also it does seem as though you both have come a long way. And it still sounds as though he doesn't want to lose you - but doesn't know how to make himself happy within the M (or in life in general perhaps?)

Main thing I would say is keep calm - try not to let your fears go off the deep end and see if you can work through this. Remember what people say - piecing is tough...

Keep posting my friend and I'm sure others will be along to help xx


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BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Cherry, good to hear from you and sorry to hear things aren't going well. I agree with everyone else in this thread and youe other about MC. He's here and wants the M to work but you both seem to be trying to wing it back on your own without any help. It seems he is still working through his own issues of who he is and whay makes him happy, these are things he has to figure out on his own. You would think after his A he would have realized but it doesn't seem he's done learning about himself. IC would be good for him also but that's something he has to figure out and want for himself. The both of you do need help working through this to make it work.


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Cherry Offline OP
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He for sure needs to figure out what makes him happy, his issues are with himself. I just don't know what to do, do I still continue to be a wife to him- give him love? Or do I try db techniques?


Me 26 H 25
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T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
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Hi Cherry...

I'm so sorry you've got this to go through again. Perfect around the holidays, no less. What a stressor!

I'm kind of in a place where I need to take stock of myself. And I'm wondering if you are as well. Doing Nothing related to the relationship, Michele says, is really doing something.

So maybe just focus on your own happiness, and goals and loving yourself right now. How do you feel about that?


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I thought I had really been concentrating with my gal and making myself happy but maybe not quite enough. I think you're right though, it is the only way I think, I need to keep my sanity. And I have a 1 year old to try and be strong for.

I think he realises that he would be a fool to loose me, he sings my praises of how good a woman, wife mother etc. And how he loves me for that, but at the same time says he's just not happy. When I probe a little I get it out of him that he doesn't know if he isn't happy with the marriage- or is he just not happy with life at the moment. He has a lot in his past he has never dealt with and carries a lot of anger around from that. But at the same time he seems so reluctant to going to therapy.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Uugh, soo very sorry you are back cherry. I was so hoping that your husband would do some growing up by now.

your husband is not happy. OK. You know that is not your responsibility...he needs some space for him to figure his $hit out and yes, He will have to evemtually figure out that it is HIS issue.

It doent sound like you are entirly excited about things either right now. Are you happy? What are you doing to treat cherry like she deserves.

What are you doing for you gal...id like you to lost that out to see if therr are things you can improve on, add. I know you have a little one at home, but you still need to focus some of that effort on you!

Since he came home, what have you two spoken about. It sounded like he was hesitant on speakin about the affair, but did you guys ar least try to get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place?

I know that you were hurt, at some point though there will need to be some understanding AND disclosure of what and why this affair took place for YOU and him to be able to work on things. If these difficult steps are not able to be taken by either one of you, it reduces your chances drastically to get past this. It will also help figure out a path to working on strengthening your marriage and you both getting a firm grasp of needs and desires and how these can be achieved by both of you.

It sounds like you still have some work cut out for you, not so much on the detachment front...that sounds better than i ever got a sense of, from you. But actual understanding if what is going on in his head, if that is possible. I hate to say it, but some form of mc is really on order, whether he likes it or not.

I am still rooting for you cherry!


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Cherry Offline OP
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I just don't know wether that will happen. I said to him, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to be. I said about not saying the I love you's, or not kissing and he goes "but that's just normal for us, that's natural". Then when he asked if i was planning on being quiet all weekend, I said well I don't know how to be and he says "I thought we has acknowledged this is my problem".
I don't wether he genuinely means that, or it was said in spite.
So the weekend has been quiet, spent Saturday out with little one- me and h watched a movie later. He was alright, a touch chatty.
Yesterday I did housework and entertained little one whilst he focused on his work. He was far quieter. He seems to think that money is the most important thing right now.
I'm going to re read dr, but I'm just not sure how to handle him. He's already being very similar to he was before. I can't stand the thought of going through all this again.
We established last time it was drifting that was the issue, he felt pushed out. Now I make plenty of time for him but we are finding ourself here, I can't help but feel when he gets stressed out that he just pushes me away, everything away. He often says he is no good for anyone. I think maybe he feels I ask too much of him- like when I grill him and pass comments about him not being affectionate. I feel it's not too much to ask. He says he is affectionate by doing things for me. And I get that.

Me, I'm tired, and I'm scared.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
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Hi Cherry, I can understand how you feel - it's so tough I know....not that I've been where you are, but I can imagine.

I think you guys haven't fully dealt with things after the A. It was good that your H ended things and you had some talks I know. However, he and you may have underestimated the healing that needs to take place - for all of you.

Have the two of you discussed MC? If he is willing, could you consider that? Also, you may find the Shirley Glass book helpful to read together. I think the important thing here is that your partner needs to be willing to work with you for 'as long as it takes' to heal from this and I think your H has maybe struggled with this.

From your perspective, I also noticed the 'grilling him' and complaining about his lack of affection - MWD has good advice about this in DR if you look it up - all around saying what you need - not complaining about what you don't get....you can change the dynamic there.

The main thing is to take some time and steady yourself. When you are tired and scared isn't a good time for making big decisions....keep posting and others will help I'm sure.

Take care Sweetie x

Last edited by Sotto; 11/23/15 06:53 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Cherry Offline OP
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I think he is struggling, I think he is struggling in a way with dealing what he has done himself. He's just crawling up into himself and not saying anything.

Yeah it was a bad habit I realised I had slipped into, so from my point- I know a few things to be working on. I explained to him that I realised what I was doing was probably causing him further upset. He agreed and said it was. Maybe things are just getting heavy right now.

I'm trying to be brave, power through. Not get fearful. Just hard to dig someone out of a hole when they push you away and start to give you the scripts..


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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