Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2625889 11/23/15 02:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
T
Tamjakr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
Hi, I am new to this forum.
I have read the book and loved it just having a hard time.
I was divorced in 2008 but only apart for a year.
This past year things went from bad to worse where we both didn't love or care about each other.
I wouldn't initiate sex, I had had a huge wall up.
Well in sept I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker so I moved out. I was mad for awhile then it was like my wall crumbled andnI love him again like never before and want to start over from scratch.
I called him and we started having sex again and talking a lot but he wanted me to keep things quiet.

Too soon for the kids etc etc. now he says we should stop and put our feelings on hold cuz he still has feelings for the OW.
I m for sur he's seeing her again.
The confusing thing is he says he wants to get back together someday and that I should be optimistic, not pessimistic but also maybe I should date other people.
So hurt and confused.
Need advice

Last edited by Cadet; 11/23/15 02:35 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

T-20 yrs M- 7yrs
Me-46 XH- 44
S15, S21
1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07
1yr separation, my decision-2012
His PA started Aug 2016
I moved out Sept/16
He's been with OW ever since
Tamjakr #2625897 11/23/15 02:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2625901 11/23/15 02:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Let me also say you especially need to read the
pursuit and distance thread
and the boundary thread.

And go back to a beginners mind about relationships.

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2625905 11/23/15 02:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
T
Tamjakr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
Thanks for the advice. Those threads help. My goal is no texting or calling. The book says to be nice and upbeat if he calls but keep it about the kids only. I've only been able to last 2 days without texting; after 20yrs of marriage it's difficult but I am going to give it my all cuz what I'm doing now is not helping! Thanks for the advice!


T-20 yrs M- 7yrs
Me-46 XH- 44
S15, S21
1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07
1yr separation, my decision-2012
His PA started Aug 2016
I moved out Sept/16
He's been with OW ever since
Tamjakr #2625918 11/23/15 03:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
T
Tamjakr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
Two days after meeting and saying to stay optimistic but to put our feelings on hold he introduces our son to her last night. What does this mean?


T-20 yrs M- 7yrs
Me-46 XH- 44
S15, S21
1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07
1yr separation, my decision-2012
His PA started Aug 2016
I moved out Sept/16
He's been with OW ever since
Tamjakr #2625919 11/23/15 03:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Tamjakr
Two days after meeting and saying to stay optimistic but to put our feelings on hold he introduces our son to her last night. What does this mean?

That you cant believe anything he says.


Me-70, D37,S36
Tamjakr #2625923 11/23/15 04:12 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Hi Tamjakr! You are going to meet all sorts of wonderful people on here that will give you great advice! They know what they are talking about, even if it isn't what you want to hear at the time. I know this from experience! I am still learning, though!

Quote:
The confusing thing is he says he wants to get back together someday and that I should be optimistic, not pessimistic but also maybe I should date other peopl


Did he tell you to date other people?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2625931 11/23/15 05:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
T
Tamjakr Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 126
Yes he did but to I believe that too or not believe it?


T-20 yrs M- 7yrs
Me-46 XH- 44
S15, S21
1yr separation and divorce, my decision-07
1yr separation, my decision-2012
His PA started Aug 2016
I moved out Sept/16
He's been with OW ever since
Tamjakr #2625940 11/23/15 05:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Stick with the basic advice that I repeated in my last post.


Me-70, D37,S36
Tamjakr #2625945 11/23/15 05:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Listen to Cadet, Tamjakr. Let me ask you this, if you had a friend whose H told her that she should be optimistic about getting back together and all the while he was seeing OW, what would you say to her?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard