Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Hi Pho! Hope you had a good weekend!

Quote:
So this could be a positive thing, if it is just the beginning of H "learning how to talk" and not his final thoughts on our situation. I am going to not react and wait and let it play out. I will watch my reactions extra carefully. I will use my knowledge of his awful perspective on me to help me detach. I do not want to be married to someone who thinks I am an abuser. Really, I don't.


From what you have posted, I think that it is as you thing - learning to talk, so to speak. I am not trying to pump sunshine, but I look at it this way - if he really was on his way out, why would he defend you?

Also, I don't think that he thinks you are an abuser. I say this because, to me, this is where perspective plays in. I could be an expert on that with the way my W is acting.

I say keep up what you are doing but temper the expectations. You got this!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Thank you Spiff. I appreciate your positive outlook, I am torn between feeling positive and negative. If he really believed I was so abusive that I could damage a grown man with my abusive ways, would he be leaving his 3 children in my exclusive care for 6 months?

Also, here is an interesting one. H has spent his every free moment in the last week changing our light switches. The actual wall switches, to new and improved toggle switches, some two way, one three way, all on dimmers, all labeled. If he was on his way out would he be even thinking of this? I could understand if it was house maintenance, to get the house functioning better for his kids or for real estate value. But fancy light switches? And last weekend he put in recessed lighting in our master closet.

I think, for me, the key is to show him that I am moving forward. Hard to do while he is gone, but then again that might make it easier because I can "act" it during phone calls, texts, etc, instead of living it day in day out. I want him to think he can lose me. Because actually he can. Not what I want, but after 10 months and enough spew I think anybody would start to feel like maybe its not worth it anymore.

This morning I applied for 2 part-time jobs. Either would be a good fit as they are in my field and $ is decent, and one is 20 hours per week, the other 25-30, so I could do either without being overwhelmed or needing to hire out childcare arrangements.

Another thing I was thinking. My neighbor is separated. I am thinking about asking her while H is gone if we can rotate Saturday evenings- I will watch her kids one week, she watches my boys the next- so we can go out and have a little free time. I don't even really want to go out, to be honest, I am a homebody and my ideal Saturday night is cuddling on the sofa with my boys watching movies (although they pick the worst movies) , but it would be really good for H to call and find out I am out on a Saturday night. I would enjoy seeing live bands, maybe at local bars or even a real concert once or twice a month. I did find a meetup group that would fulfill this purpose, or I think I mentioned earlier that I have 2 new friends who are divorced women who might like to go out sometimes for a girls night. I am liking this plan.



Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
You know something, Pho, I think you may be on to something. He sure does seem to be doing a lot of stuff that any normal person wouldn't do if they were on the way out, so to speak.

That is awesome on the job front! Will do you a world of good as it will give you something to do and keep your mind off of things, ya know? As for me, my company is really getting rid of a lot a people. Was told that maybe by the new year wouldn't be here. Great. Just another super stressful thing. Not sure if I should mention that to the W as I am sure if she does file she will try to use it against me.

Quote:
I am liking this plan.


I think that is an excellent plan. Let him wonder for a bit. Dang sure couldn't hurt, eh? It may be just me, but hanging out with two divorced people may blur things for you - kind of like how we discussed influences on our spouses, no?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Spiff, yes, spending time with divorced friends might influence me. But most of my friends are happily married and then I feel like I either have to pretend everything is ok, or else I feel like a downer. They have been incredibly supportive of me, although they only know a fraction of what has been going on. I think my best strategy is to spend time with whoever is available and interested in the same things as I am, and not share that much about my issues. Basics ok, but not details.



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
I am a little slow on the uptake here, but it just really crossed my mind that I might be better off without H. Really, what am I holding on so tightly for? If he doesn't want me, he should go. That is starting to sink in.



Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 397
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 397
Originally Posted By: pho
I am a little slow on the uptake here, but it just really crossed my mind that I might be better off without H. Really, what am I holding on so tightly for? If he doesn't want me, he should go. That is starting to sink in.



WANTING to be with your H is very different than NEEDING to be with him. That, to me at least, is how I define detachment.

Intellectually I am there. Realistically I'm miles away


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Originally Posted By: SciDad
Originally Posted By: pho
I am a little slow on the uptake here, but it just really crossed my mind that I might be better off without H. Really, what am I holding on so tightly for? If he doesn't want me, he should go. That is starting to sink in.



WANTING to be with your H is very different than NEEDING to be with him. That, to me at least, is how I define detachment.

Intellectually I am there. Realistically I'm miles away


SciDad, I am still miles away too, because I know my H loved me for so many years. I know he did. I still think he might, but its buried deep. But I can't wait forever for him to figure it out. I am starting to think in terms of a timeframe/deadline. I don't want to do that. Right after BD I thought my birthday would be my deadline. That was 4 months. Well that came and went, then I thought the end of summer. Here we are in November. Now I am thinking one year anniversary of BD, but H will be away for 6 months, so maybe when/if he returns. At some point I have to be loved again or find it somewhere else. And then I feel selfish, like I am letting my kids down. But at that point it will be 18 months and I think that is more than fair.


But things have been improving, so what if they continue to improve but are still not where I want them to be? At what point do I decide that its enough. I guess I should take that thought off the table for now, because I am not there yet.



Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Hi Pho!

Quote:
But things have been improving, so what if they continue to improve but are still not where I want them to be? At what point do I decide that its enough. I guess I should take that thought off the table for now, because I am not there yet.


That drastically complicates things, no? It's a long, long process that doesn't happen overnight. My good friend and his wife were in the same boat and she told me it took her two years to love him again. TWO YEARS. Can you do that amount of time? I would like to think I would be able to say here is the time frame, but honestly, I couldn't do that. Whatever it takes is my saying...


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
I agree that it's a long process and from where I stand you have a chance. You still have hope and your H seems to show little steps. I know it's hard to be patient. If you are meant to be together you will. Your H needs to go on his journey like you with yours. Do what makes you happy, then I think everything else will fall in place :-)

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Thanks Rouky. I am trying. Detachment is so hard. I feel like I just can't shake this heartbreak. I will be out doing something fun, playing with the kids, etc, and it is just there like a cloud over my head.

I have been realizing that music is so helpful. I can immerse myself in singing, dancing, being silly with music and that is one of the only things that gets my mind off things.

I have been so strong, but there is only so much a person can take. Is it my imagination or is it about the 1 year mark where the LBS kind of starts to really move forward? I don't know if I noticed that trend or if I made it up, but that's what I've been telling myself.



Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard