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Otw thank you not sure how long it will last it's when I think of the future I melt

Have to stay in the current


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Quote:
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows

Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out


This seems to be a common issue. Why do they just only want to concentrate on the bad and not the good?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Spiff69
Quote:
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows

Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out



This is the easiest answer ever!

It is because, wait for it, because they have to find justification everywhere they can!!! To justify their bad behavior, first of all to themselves. They convince themselves that they really had no other choice, but to stray...


I have heard all sort of excuses, from the one you mentioned, to the likes of:

- you were never there,
- you were smothering me,
- you always chooses blue,
- your hair is too long,
- you snore to loud,
- your cat has gas (yes, I have actually heard that one),
- and many, many more, all designed to give them an excuse for their bad behavior.

Nuts, totally nuts...

This seems to be a common issue. Why do they just only want to concentrate on the bad and not the good?

Last edited by Vapo; 11/23/15 05:17 PM.
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Hello everyone...Happy monday

Vapo, you are so right, they look for any possible reason to justify themselves and also to make sure they do not carry any weight on themselves. I have another example i will get into in a bit.


Updating
Kids were back with me Friday morning as W has to teach and she drops them to me in the morning and i get them to school.
After dropping S4 to school i decided to go to the docotrs office. Been battling what i thought was a cold and it had gone on for too long. Apparently it was a sinus infection. Got some meds and feel tons better.

Picked up S4 from school and back to work. Headed home to get D7 off the bus. they were both so happy to be there. D7 ended up playong with friends most of afternoon and then wanted to sleep over. I finally agreed even though i wanted to spend time with her i knw she doesnt get to see her friends as much now either. S4 was very pleased with this as he got Dad all to himself!

Got up Saturday and did some cleaning around the house. Had some errands to run so loaded kids up and went out. we ate some lunch and took care of some things. In the evening we headed out for a xmas parade and tree lighting near us. Kids were a little antsy as we had to get there early to get a spot but we made it. Got a few good pictures at the tree with the three of us. D7 did make a comment looking around talking everybody was all there with their families and it was just us. That hurt. I did send W a picture of the kids at the tree. she thanked me for sending. She called after we were on our way home. She was very short on the phone with them as she was on her way out. D7 made a comment about it afterwards.

Sunday mornings are rough as i know i have to do the switch. This time both of them were saying they dont want to go. Normally it is just S. I tried to avoid the meltdown and told them maybe W could take them to do something fun. Man this backfired. After the switch i got a TM from W. Please do not tell the kids i will take them somewhere without speaking to me first. I am sure the kids were all ramped up to do something and she probably had other things to do and either couldnt or wouldnt. I know how those tow kids get in these times so i am sure she was ticked off. So guess what take it out on me!
I tried to explain to her in a text that I was trying to avoid a meltdown and get the kids excited to go with her, which i did. But i also did tell her i told them she may have things to do and not be able to take them somewhere. I validated her frustration and assured her i would never do that. She did not respond. I did not apologize because i feel it was not wrong, i never made any promise nor say she would do something i merely tried to change their attitudes about going. I could try to find better methods, but all i could come up with at the time.

On that note, the kids are both becoming vocal in front of her about wanting to stay with me more. I am trying not to tell them that i will always let them be with me because it just turns out to be a broken promise. it is on W at this point.

So today i am still in my head a little about how W is still putting me to blame for everything wrong in her life. If the kids are a handful and not happy about getting their way it is my fault. I know it is not my problem right now. I am just really trying to pay attention to the children right now. I am seeing some changes in them and need to be very careful to make sure they are not getting too affected. Problem is I cant communicate with W too much on this as she thinks I am overreacting and causing them to be this way.

Ahh the life of dealing with WW. I wonder if she thinks the same things about me!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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Originally Posted By: Ghost56
Otw thank you not sure how long it will last it's when I think of the future I melt

Have to stay in the current


Ghost,
you will not always stay up, but they will come around much more and you will start being able to fight off the lows easier.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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So a little updating before the holiday..

A few things have taken place lately. I let go of the W blaming me for her having to deal with the kids being upset with her for not taking them where they wanted to go.

I had to email W with a few details about support payments to her and needed a few things. I had also given times when i would be able to let her have the kids on thanksgiving in exchange for a few extra hours on one of her days to cut down a xmas tree.
We emailed back and forth and she was prompt in responding and asking about when she is getting the share form the retirement plan. I informed her on everything . She had exclamation points placed through her emails, acting like she is all happy go lucky and sounding super positive. I found this funny. So after her last email asking about her money i replied that by the way our camper payment is due and the insurance as well. how would you like to handle? Background, we own a camper that we keep at her fathers campground. We agreed to keep it in sep agreement and split the payments. Well ever since i stopped her just asking me for things and turned it around, there has been no contact since! I found this funny.

She has had the kids since Sunday afternoon and they had swim lessons last night. She teaches and can not take them so I have her drop them to me and feed them then get them there. Her class ends an hour and a half before the lessons are over. the first time she called and told me she was going to the gym . Last night she did not even call, she just showed up when the class was over. This will not happen again. Even though i want to be there for the class, she is just using me. Next time I will have something to do. Even if i just leave for 20-30 minutes and come back i will not be used like this so she can just do what she wants.

So the kids were supposed to spend one last night with her last night before coming back with me today. Both were telling me they just want to sleep at my house tonight. I have stated that now D7 is saying this more now as she did not in the beginning. I had a few talks with them on how i can not just make these decisions and it has to be with W as well. I told D7 she needs to let W now how she feels as the two of them are the important ones in this whole thing. She is very reluctant. I am trying to make sure she understands not to bottle these things up and she needs to make sure she is heard. I am seriously considering finding a counselor for them to speak with. i do not want any future damage done.

So as W was trying to get them into car, S4 melted down worse than ever. This is very hard on me, but W told me i get too emotional when he does and it makes it worse. So i stayed strong and kept trying to get him to go. He was not having it. He actually started yelling at her and when she tried to carry him to truck he started kind of hitting. After about 20 minutes of this and after I asked once if she wanted him to just let him stay with me and her saying no, I looked at her and said, I will switch another night with you but i am not going to keep doing this to him, let him come with me tonight. I looked at her in the eyes when i said this. I could see some tears in her eyes. She finally agreed.

I do feel really bad for her about this, but i also dont. I know she had thought all along that this will just pass and they will be fine. I dont think she realizes yet that it will actually get worse.

So, thanksgiving will be at my house. Was going to be at my mothers but D7 really wanted it at our house. We always did this in the past. I think it makes her feel good so i made arrangements. Kids will have some cousins there and should be a good time. Will be strange, but i do have a lot to be thankful for. Going to fake it til i make it!

Everyone, try to put the bad behind for a day and focus on what you have!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted By: otw
Will be strange, but i do have a lot to be thankful for. Going to fake it til i make it!

Everyone, try to put the bad behind for a day and focus on what you have!


Thanks otw for putting words to my thoughts. Our Thanksgiving will also be strange, but then we always said "a little strange is always good" lol


Buttercup

Me 50 H 51
M 17 T 20
D16
H EA Feb 2014
BD Sept 2015
H moved out Nov 2015
W Filed D papers Mar 2016



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OTW, you are doing great.

I see great learning taking place in you.

Keep up the good work.

Remember, detach, detach, detach...

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I have done many hard things in my life, but detaching....

wow

Last edited by otw; 11/25/15 05:36 PM.

M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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OK here we go now that the holiday is over and I am caught up...Prob be a long one.

So, last i left off I was scheduled to have them for thanksgiving, but was letting her take the kids for a few hours to visit with. I had my sister and her family coming over to my house along with my mother for the day. W picked up kids in the late morning after i told her i need them back by a certain time. I took care of the house and yard while they were gone then got cleaned up.
I was scheduled to pick the kids up at W house. I have never been there before and i knew her mother, brother and a few of her family would be there. Kind of stressed about it, but nothing too much.
I made sure i looked my best heading over there. Got there and the kids wanted me to come in and see their rooms which i did. W mother gave me a big hug and was very happy to see me. Told me how great I look. her brother was saying the same. Made some small talk and joked around with the acting really happy. W looked a little down but not much. Grabbed kids and left.
Got home and the kids played with their cousins and had a blast. Dinner was good and we all enjoyed ourselves. We all crashed that night as we had a long day.
We planned on hitting one of my favorite parks that is on a huge river with sister and cousins. The kids had a blast and we had all of them climb a tree there and got some great group pictures we will use to give the grandparents for xmas.

WE all ate lunch then it was time to drop off the kids with W. The kids have not been taking the switch to her well. W is beginning to buy them a lot of things. I know it is because they dont think her place is fun so it is warranted but i feel she is trying to buy some love. She used to yell at me for buying too much stuff for them.

I met up with a group of guys I played rugby with for many years that evening. They all brought wives and kids as well, and i was the only solo one. It wasnt that bad and i had a blast. Prob stayed out too late after but was a good time.
I picked up kids early next morning to go cut down a tree with the rest of my family. Took kids home to play with cousins a little more then dropped back to W.

Spent the rest of the day cleaning up and relaxing. Took care of groceries, etc..Got up Sunday and went golfing with my group. Hadnt done that in a while. was very fun. Picked up kids afterwards and took them for lunch and play time at one of their favorite places. W was scheduled to come by in the evening to go through xmas decorations and split them up. I really was not looking forward to this, but told her i was cooking and she was welcome to stay and eat with the kids. She came over and I could tell she spent plenty of time getting ready to come over. I did take some good looks at her and She started looking a little old to me, or the fact that she maybe have the situation catching up to her a bit.

So we had to go through everything and split up. I actually probably let her take more than my share, but it is no big deal to me. I just wanted to make sure i got my share of the things the kids made or their stuff. Then we had to split the family items and the items that were just her and i type stuff.

I asked her if she even wanted any of them. She responded yes. This one was tough and i think it got to both of us. We finished up and ate then she left. This was the most time we spent together since she left. All good interactions. Kids made a few comments about staying with her that she prob didnt like, but i ignored.
As she was leaving D7 came running up and asked if we kissed, and was telling us to kiss. W was already down the walk to the drive way and I was at the door so we both were able to kind of brush it off. She is trying to play match maker i think!
Yesterday was back to the grind of school and work. Kids and I started decorating and made a list of things we need to buy to make up for what W took.

For me, well the holiday and the interactions with W made me miss her quite a bit. I realized i need to start taking down some pictures in the house of her and replace. I think it is time to just start one at a time. I have been doing plenty for myself and staying busy. I dont find myself obsessing over her but to say i am detached is foolish. I still really love her and still have hope. I have been trying to take note of all the small things that are positive and not dwell on the things i dont like.
I guess that is all for now, so overall great few days, good interactions with W and feel good on my own as well.
As I keep saying, Keep moving.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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