less confused newbie 8

[dday]

Thanks guys, I do appreciate it.
Az, I know don't believe what they say. After the settlement, I can move forward with some plans of mine that I have no cash for yet. Going to fly out to DC in a couple weeks to visit a friend that I haven't seen in years. Have Thanksgiving plans, etc.

tl2, You are correct, it's her path. I wish it wasn't dragging the rest of us with that part, but for a part of the journey it will. I am emailing a L right now. Really hated to do this. But I need to protect my boys and myself. And she shouldn't get to keep everything as it is now.

Thornton, I do fully plan on going dark. As dark as I can. W has called me 3 times and texted me a pic of a pup we gave away since Saturday afternoon. I know that she has doubts, "who knows what the future holds", etc. I know now that I need to remove myself as fully from her life and sight as I can, while still being a great dad.

Keep talking to me guys, it helps!
Thanks for taking the time to care!

[Dawgs]

One foot in front of the other!

I know now that I need to remove myself as fully from her life and sight as I can, while still being a great dad.

The fact that you have kids will make that part so difficult. I struggle with that myself because if the W does go ahead and file, then I don't want her in my life. Didn't sign up to be buddies... But, she will always be there because of the kids. Sickens me how she thinks the kids will be not affected.

Being a great Dad should be your number 1, and you have that down. Just focus on you and them. She may/may not come around, but get yourself where you need to be!

[tl2]

dday,

I agree with spiff in that you have the great dad thing nailed.

Just know that every bit of grief you display in front of them is something they will take on as well, and they already have more than they can handle. You want them to see you moving forward with your back straight and head up, handling things and giving them the love, guidance, and experiences that only you can give them.

[Dawgs]

Just know that every bit of grief you display in front of them is something they will take on as well, and they already have more than they can handle. You want them to see you moving forward with your back straight and head up, handling things and giving them the love, guidance, and experiences that only you can give them.

^This

It is so sad because the kids always think its their fault, no matter how well we try to prepare them. They always do. To make matters that much worse on my end, the kids think we are nothing but one big happy family. They see the W laughing and joking with me - the odd thing they see is that we sleep in separate rooms.

[dday]

Spiff, you are exactly right. Didn't sign up to be buddies. It's all or nothing for me on that now. I did the friend thing while thinking that we were working on us. I was wrong, I had even helped her coach the basketball kids while she was talking to another mom, and then stuck around and helped the rest of practice. Then we sat together during the next game and she told me about the papers right after the game.

So, she is more than happy to keep me as a backup plan.

I can't detach, and move forward, if I am with her like that. I also can't show her what she's missing if I'm there for her. I still want us together, it's up to her. But, either way it turns out, I have to detach and keep moving forward.

Tl2, I did have to hide in the bathroom a bit yesterday while I was tearing up. I am trying to not let it show, can't stop ot completely. I will try harder. S6 response to all this was "let me talk to mommy, and I would rather be sick than have us split up". He's a great kid, and I told them this was not their fault. We still love them.

W and I hanging out together was giving the boys false hope as much as it was me. I was afraid of that, but didn't want to rock the boat. Well, it's capsized now.

I meet a L tomorrow. Yuck

[Dawgs]

Hang in there, dday!

I did the friend thing while thinking that we were working on us. I was wrong,

My W is wanting the same thing and for the longest I did the same thing you did. Originally she said that she wanted us to work on getting back our friendship to the way it was in dating and early marriage. Guess what? Seems that never went away. We have got that down - and when the MC noted that to her, she hemmed and hawed around it and kind of deflected it. When she stated about being friends "if" we divorce, thats when I hinted that wasn't going to happen. Wide eyed there...

I still want us together, it's up to her.

Same here. When my W leaves for her new assignment, she talks of using that time to figure us out. But in reality, how will she be able to figure us out if she never gives us a chance to do stuff and try?

He's a great kid, and I told them this was not their fault. We still love them.

Sounds like it! But, the sad thing is, no matter how hard we try to press that into them, they will always assume responsibility. Always. Especially if they are young.

W and I hanging out together was giving the boys false hope as much as it was me. I was afraid of that, but didn't want to rock the boat. Well, it's capsized now.

I know the feeling. We live in the same house and do stuff together for the kids. They think we are one big happy family. They are getting ready to be faced with her leaving for her new station. And then there is the problem of us. The kids don't know. I have a feeling she will drop that bomb in a month or two.

Keep your chin up!

[dday]

I am grateful for my friends
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful that my job is being accommodating for now
I am grateful for my priest/counselor
I am grateful for the shooting star I saw last night
I am grateful for the meal that my cousin and his wife shared with me last night


----------------------------------------------------

After meeting with L, my IC/priest wants to meet. I think it will be helpful. I really hate that I have to meet with L. This [censored]. This is the hardest time of my life. By far, and I have been through difficult times before. I am ready for it to be over. I hate that the boys are going through this.

I think I have dropped the rope. There is nothing I can do. I know that, have just struggled to accept it. Now, to go as dark as possible and not be an ass. W comment of not respecting me, true or not, made me realize that she still isn't the girl I married. May never be again. And, the timing of everything worked out very well for her. As soon as my bonus check arrived, and the day after I finished remodeling she asked me to move out. She filed for D just before her own bonus check arrived. I paid for everything while I lived with my sister. W said it would just be a week or 2... and here we are. It appears now that she planned it this way, maybe not and I am just reading things into it. I would love nothing more than to have my old W back. She isn't here right now. Maybe she will be some day.

Anyway, this person that has filed for D is believing someone she calls a "pot stirrer" over what I have told her. She is looking for justification everywhere. Always the victim now. Sees nothing good from our time together other than our boys. Rewritten history. If this is the new W, like permanent, then I don't want to be in a R with her. It's sad, but I came to that realization last night. 10 months after BD.

I miss what we had. I miss being there for my kids everyday. I am struggling not to hate her today. I wish this all to be over. It would be so much easier if we didn't have the boys keeping us connected. I would just move to another town, and that would be it, but I can't.

Not looking forward to the L, or the money I waste talking to him, but I feel it needs to be done.

[Dawgs]

Oh man DDay, I hate it for you. We are here for you, brother!

After meeting with L, my IC/priest wants to meet. I think it will be helpful. I really hate that I have to meet with L. This [censored]. This is the hardest time of my life. By far, and I have been through difficult times before. I am ready for it to be over. I hate that the boys are going through this.

I am not at the L point yet and am really dreading what I feel is coming. At least you know and are able to move forward. I know its the hardest time in your life and I can't imagine being where you are. I haven't done anything this hard before, ever, and I am not where you are. I am hurting for you and especially for your children. Be there for them. Play with them get silly and do what they want, even if it is 50 times in a row. Be their rock. They will remember all of that.

I think I have dropped the rope. There is nothing I can do. I know that, have just struggled to accept it. Now, to go as dark as possible and not be an ass. W comment of not respecting me, true or not, made me realize that she still isn't the girl I married. May never be again. And, the timing of everything worked out very well for her. As soon as my bonus check arrived, and the day after I finished remodeling she asked me to move out. She filed for D just before her own bonus check arrived. I paid for everything while I lived with my sister. W said it would just be a week or 2... and here we are. It appears now that she planned it this way, maybe not and I am just reading things into it. I would love nothing more than to have my old W back. She isn't here right now. Maybe she will be some day.

They never are the ones we married. My W definitely isn't. And they never will be - sure, there may be some semblance of what they once were, but we also have to remember that they grew, too. Might not have been in a good direction, but they grew nonetheless. Funny about the planning thing - I strongly believe that they do that. From what you said, it definitely appears that she has been planning that all along. Mine, too. Had all that shite planned out down to the last T. And the sad thing? They lied to our face while planning their "escape." Sorry for venting...

Anyway, this person that has filed for D is believing someone she calls a "pot stirrer" over what I have told her. She is looking for justification everywhere. Always the victim now. Sees nothing good from our time together other than our boys. Rewritten history. If this is the new W, like permanent, then I don't want to be in a R with her. It's sad, but I came to that realization last night. 10 months after BD.

I have come to believe that in situations where divorce isn't justified, there is always a pot stirrer. My W is so easily persuaded, and the SIL is a big time pot stirrer - heck, she is also going through a divorce. The grass is greener, eh? The most telling line in all that was a message I saw that said "I never knew I was so sad." Think about that for a minute.

I hate it that they rewrite history. They always seem to do it to justify their actions. My W, who was one of the most kind heated woman there is, completely rewrote our history. It's like we never had any good times.

Unfortunately, you two will always be connected. Always. Make the best of it. You can do this. All about your kids!

[Azzork]

As soon as my bonus check arrived, and the day after I finished remodeling she asked me to move out. She filed for D just before her own bonus check arrived.

This is not a coincidence, buddy... Though I would think that you should have access to all of her funds until you sign something - so I would think half of her bonus would be yours.

If this is the new W, like permanent, then I don't want to be in a R with her. It's sad, but I came to that realization last night. 10 months after BD.

Luckily, it doesnt really matter right now. You dont need to worry about reconciling with this version of W, because thats not an option on the table. Dont worry about that until it's time to worry about that.

I wish this all to be over.

Ive seen you say this a lot.
What exactly do you want when you say "over"? Figure that out, and then make it happen.

[Fogg]

^^agree with Azzork. What jumped out at me in a previous post was how right after she gave you an unfair settlement offer she says something about not knowing what the future holds.

My opinion on some things regarding WAS/WW is s bit softer than usual. I think they do sometimes try to make things fair and do care about the LBS, but only when it doesn't interfere with what they really want. So while she could be just wanting to be fair she could also be leading you on so you give into what she wants. That possibility of R could cause you to give her more than she deserves and she might know that.