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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Yes, a temp check I think. Where's she up to? Is she going to ask for a D? Perhaps - does she miss me? Is she still angry? any or all of these...


Thank you Sotto. I will look into temperature checking and what that's all about.

My feeling is still not to answer and just carry on with my life as I have been over the past few weeks. He can get his information about me from FB like everyone else who I don't really hang out with or have much of an association with (I use my personal FB page as a bit of an extension of my business FB page).

I was exhausted, totally drained, this afternoon and had to lie down for a sleep for an hours.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Maximus
Focus,

Work was what kept me going. The trips abroad helped me disconnect.

I still however had days where I took them like holidays because concentration was zero and then had to make up on the better days.

My M and R are still first on my list but job keeps the light on and house warm.

How are you coping?

Hugs Max..


It's so difficult. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of me.

I'm lucky in that I have a part-time job which is very sociable. It's been a lifeline these past few weeks.

My counsellor says I'm very resilient, is very impressed at how I am approaching it all and is very optimistic about how I'll cope with things. I just don't know at the moment - I don't see any of that.

Thank you for your concern and for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jun 2015
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Focus, I love what you did with your FB profile picture. I am going to do that too. I am hoping he isn't following the "script" that others have warned you about, but it seems like its in your best interest to be prepared for that.

I am starting a job search, its a bit overwhelming, but reading how your job has helped you encourages me.

Of course you don't feel resilient, but you are only 1 month post- BD and you are functioning, working, talking to a counselor, you are miles ahead of many people so early into their situation. It takes a long time to start to feel normal again, heck, I am 9 or 10 months in (depending on what I count as BD) and I just broke down crying in the Target parking lot a half an hour ago.

Hang in there, you are doing well.



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Hi Sweetie,

I have read your posts and really admire your resilience.

If within you are strong then you will cope.

I always questioned the expression heart ripped out. I think it is more a case of emotions for someone ripped out and what is left is a void that is looking for a next high of TLC.

I hope you find that peace and love you deserve.

I always try and reply but often have little time or something different to say than what has already been said. So just keep quiet.

Thank you for replying too and I hope we keep in touch. Its always great to meet someone like yourself.

Keep smiling focus....

Hugs Max


M: 50
S: 25

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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: pho
Focus, I love what you did with your FB profile picture. I am going to do that too. I am hoping he isn't following the "script" that others have warned you about, but it seems like its in your best interest to be prepared for that.


Thank you! I'm still getting comments about it from people at work...he he he!

With a day's distance, I reckon he is following the script.

So, I think what I will do (as far as he is concerned) is a mix of ignoring him and playing naive. As in, if I were to answer that message (which I'm not) I would say 'no. I'm doing grand, thank you!'. And leave it at that.

I think the consequences of that line of action is that he'll feel I'm not behaving like he would have hoped I would, and that I've slipped beyond his control? I reckon he might get really frustrated and pretty angry with me?

But what effect would all of this have on his R with OW? Will it make it stronger because it's them against the horrible W? Or will she eventually get fed up with him ranting about me to her?

I know all of this is speculation really and nobody can say what is going to happen. But I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment.

Originally Posted By: pho
I am starting a job search, its a bit overwhelming, but reading how your job has helped you encourages me.


Thank you. My part time job is very, very undemanding, but it's a real blessing at the moment. It gives me a little focus, gets me out of the house (and I have to make an effort to look presentable too, obviously) and is sociable.

Good luck with your search! And keep me posted smile

Originally Posted By: pho
Of course you don't feel resilient, but you are only 1 month post- BD and you are functioning, working, talking to a counselor, you are miles ahead of many people so early into their situation. It takes a long time to start to feel normal again, heck, I am 9 or 10 months in (depending on what I count as BD) and I just broke down crying in the Target parking lot a half an hour ago.

Hang in there, you are doing well.



Thank you.

Ended up having a really nice time at work last night. And there was an unexpected social event after, which I went along to for an hour and really enjoyed. I work with some pretty cool people.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Maximus
Hi Sweetie,

I have read your posts and really admire your resilience.


Thank you.

I feel utterly exhausted. I work part time and also run my own business. Bizarrely, it's been one of my most successful months for my business (actually achieved a lifetime business dream!). But I've fallen so far behind with everything on that front and I'm desperately trying to catch up now and get things back on an even keel.


Originally Posted By: Maximus

If within you are strong then you will cope.


Sometimes I just want to stop for a few moments and take a rest from the effort of trying to be strong and the effort of trying to cope.


Originally Posted By: Maximus

I always questioned the expression heart ripped out. I think it is more a case of emotions for someone ripped out and what is left is a void that is looking for a next high of TLC.


You're right. And I'm very wary of this.

In the meantime, I'm working on really enjoying the company of other people whenever I'm out of the house, and of appreciating what they bring to a conversation.

I've always been very much in the shadow of my H. He's a total extrovert and very charismatic. For pretty much our entire M the focus was on him and supporting him in his absolutely stratospheric career.

I've always put my heart and soul into what I do, in everything. In that way, my H and I are really similar...we're both all or nothing people. My way is just much more low key than his, and less attention seeking.

One of the things I've discovered in these past six weeks or so that other people really like me and feel very kindly towards me. One of my two best friends texted me yesterday 'you are loved and cared for by so many people'. It made me cry yesterday when I read it, and it's making me cry again typing it this morning.


Originally Posted By: Maximus

I hope you find that peace and love you deserve.

I always try and reply but often have little time or something different to say than what has already been said. So just keep quiet.

Thank you for replying too and I hope we keep in touch. Its always great to meet someone like yourself.

Keep smiling focus....

Hugs Max


Thank you.

Hope today is a good day for you.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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I have a question. I'm not sure what to do.

If my H is behaving according to script and looking to formalise some sort of S agreement in the near future (and my guess is that he'll be looking to start before the beginning of February next year for various reasons related to his work), or go ahead with a D, then how do I respond?

I'm in no rush to make a decision on it at the moment. I'm actually quite enjoying the period of time to myself without having to deal with him and his stuff.

At the moment, I would be willing to wait quite a long time to have any kind of interaction with him (certainly until the start of February, which then means May because of his work schedule).

I wouldn't be averse to answering a text he sent. One of the reasons being that I've ignored his last two texts (the one he sent a month ago saying it's best if we separate, and his latest temperature checking one). And a second reason being that I don't want it to look like I'm cutting him off completely. But I would like it to be something totally neutral and non committal. And I wouldn't answer straight away. Maybe leave it a couple of days.

Like, if he were to text me asking for a D, could I say something like 'well, it's certainly something to think about'? Or is there something else I could say that's even more vague and non committal and basically bats the ball back to his court?

Or maybe I should ignore a text like that too?

I think he's wanting me to take charge and organise everything for him. And I don't really want to do that. My time and energy is for myself at this point in time, and to use how I decide to use it. Sorting out his mess wouldn't be one way I would choose to use it.

Last edited by focus22; 11/25/15 04:50 PM.

Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Focus, if he texts asking you for D, you could say - 'D isn't what I want, but if that's your choice, I won't stand in your way.'

I did this (my thread is in MLC) and have sat back and let H do all the work. I'm not obstructive, I'm just 'hands off' and I merely respond when needed...

Take care x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Yup agree with Sotto


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focus22 Offline OP
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Thank you. I will keep that one up my sleeve.

Had some bad news from a close family member this afternoon (related to the stress of what's going on with my H).

It totally knocked me for six. I've rarely felt anger in my life like I did this afternoon when I found out. Selfish, selfish, selfish b*st*rd that he is.

Anyway, it's brought home just how much my focus needs to be on myself and on being strong so people round about me don't worry.

He's so far out of the picture at the moment, he's like a tiny dot on the horizon. And he can stay there.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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