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focus22 Offline OP
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So, I thought it might be time for a new thread?

Here's my previous: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2625759&page=1


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Spiff69
Hi Focus! Hope all is well in your part of the world.

I am going to agree with shotgun, therapy is tough, tough stuff. And I hate it. But, on the flip side, I am in so much a better place now and really is helping me realize a lot of things. Funny thing (or maybe sad, really) about the issues and the changes I have been working oh so hard to make - ones that my W brought up what seems so long ago - is that the W doesn't give a rat's *ss about it. When all this was brought up in counseling (by the counselor, I tried to avoid the topic of my chagnes), she says that "working on yourself and changes are great and all, but its not that." So where does that leave me?

My W had an EA just after the BD and it turned into a nightmare situation (nothing past the EA, but nightmare in the house). It took me a long time to realize why she would do that and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it stems from her desire for attention. As I have said in my thread, she craves attention but does not seek it. Lots of reasons, I guess. But she has much deeper issues than just on the surface. I would suspect that is the same for all people who stray.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Thank you.

Yup, I agree with everything you say.

My H doesn't give a stuff about the huge effort I've made over the past 2 and a half years especially. I've made an effort to communicate more, be more open, be more attentive, be more available for him...and it was still never enough. Well, now I know that it was because he was constantly thinking about OW.

So now I'm thinking all the changes I made, and all the things I've been learning, are for me.


About the desire for attention thing...my H's life has also become extremely adrenaline fuelled over the past 4 odd years. It started with his work - he's become incredibly successful in these past 4 years.

I'm sure that part of it has been an incredible attraction to all that success and everything that goes with it (adrenaline, attention).


And then an inability to deal with the stresses of that success (how to handle the adrenaline and attention).

Instead of focussing on toning things down and dialling things back to try and keep some kind connection with himself, he's wanted more and more of everything. So he's thrown a lot of alcohol into the mix, and some drugs too.

And it's ended up spiralling out of control (talking about the past 3 and a half years now in terms of timescale).


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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So, my GAL activity. I am one *very* camera shy girl. I have practically no pictures of me, and practically none online (not even on my FB page).


So I did my makeup and my hair in a way I've never done it before (and certainly not in a way my H has ever seen it), took a selfie and made it my new profile picture.

Added bonus, I got so many incredibly positive comments from my friends about my new look that I felt like I was walking on air for the rest of the day.

Back to planning my next GAL activity now.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
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Posts: 805
OK guys, I need your help here.

The last contact I had with my H was when he texted me on October 25 to say that he couldn't see clearly how to continue and thought the best thing to do was to separate.

I didn't answer.

I'm almost 100% sure he travelled to the city where OW is and turned his EA into a PA after that.

I'm pretty sure he's back in our home town now, to start a job on the 30 November.

He's just texted me. It goes:

'Hallo xxxx

Are you wanting to talk about anything yet?

I hope you're doing OK.'

So, weird, he never calls me by my first name.

Anyway, I haven't answered. I don't know what to think for now.

I know that yesterday he was on FB for quite a while. And my guess is that he was checking out my updates. I've posted three different types of GAL updates since he left on October 11 (didn't want to go overkill on it), including a nice selfie wink

So, yeah..what do I do?

Last edited by focus22; 11/24/15 12:54 PM.

Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Focus, I'm struggling to advise here, but I would certainly say wait and get some advice before you respond to him at all. A delay of a few hours will do no harm.

So, he left about a month ago and you suspect his EA turned into a PA. Interesting that he doesn't say 'we need to talk' but asks you 'are you wanting to talk?'

My guess is it isn't good news. If he were feeling remorseful or inclined towards reconciliation, I think you'd be seeing 'I miss you, ILY' or similar.

I'm guessing he is (rather passively) offering you the opportunity to move things along in terms of formalising the S, or even D.

So, based on all of that, I'm not even sure how to respond. Have you formalised any S. arrangements and are there any housing or financial things to resolve? If so, I would prioritise those (I left all of that far too long in hope of reconciling.) I would certainly try and avoid a R talk as I don't think it will serve you well. He's probably still pretty foggy if the A is ongoing.

There may be an opportunity to state your boundaries - along lines of - I don't really have anything to say other than that I won't live in an open M. But actually he has already gone, so where's the point in that?

Do you ignore? Or 'miss the point' a little and respond with a pleasant and general - 'no all good with me, but let me know if you need anything from the house' or similar.

In general with an A (if you want to stand for the M) I think you do need to step back and let things run their course, while maintaining rock solid boundaries for you (I won't live in an open M.) What concerns me in your sitch is the series of women....and I also wonder....potential MLC. Having always been faithful (and vocal about fidelity) my H asked two separate women (who seemed interested in him) out for drinks before getting involved with OW. ie: he didn't just 'fall in' to an A, he sought to have one.

I know none of this perhaps helps much with your response, but these are all the things that sprang to mind when I read your post.

I'm no vet, so treat my input with some caution and I hope someone stops by with some more helpful advice.

Take care xx

Last edited by Sotto; 11/24/15 01:17 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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When H did the same to me I got my hopes up and it turned out he was telling me he decided we are getting D without counseling or trying to work on it. I'm not telling you this to scare you but to warn you. It seems to be the script they go by. He may b trying to appease his guilt. I think it's best to not respond at this point. Your busy GAL and all.

Stay strong! (((Hugs)))


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Oct 2015
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focus22 Offline OP
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Sotto, thank you so much.

It all makes perfect sense. And you're not the first person to also mention a MLC (he's been talking about tattoos, cars, cowboy boots...lol!).

He's always avoided all responsibilities in life. I've dealt with them all. So one of the things I decided pretty soon after he left was that I wasn't going to do any of the work for the S/D.

Sure, I'll find out information, but that's for my own benefit, and to make me feel less afraid. But I wouldn't share it with him, or initiate anything.

So I guess that's my next move, behind the scenes, finding out information.

I'm so exhausted from all of this.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
focus22 Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Originally Posted By: ep0215
When H did the same to me I got my hopes up and it turned out he was telling me he decided we are getting D without counseling or trying to work on it. I'm not telling you this to scare you but to warn you. It seems to be the script they go by. He may b trying to appease his guilt. I think it's best to not respond at this point. Your busy GAL and all.

Stay strong! (((Hugs)))


Thank you.

That makes perfect sense.

It also feels weird, like he's fishing, or something. There's some element of manipulation going on.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Yes, a temp check I think. Where's she up to? Is she going to ask for a D? Perhaps - does she miss me? Is she still angry? any or all of these...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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