Hi Maddy - my H ran all around town for months. His ETA back home was about 2AM. So I know your pain.
He is looking at you as an authority figure to whom he does not want to answer. How can you detach from this and remove yourself as his authority figure? Remember he has ended the M and does not think he has to answer to you. The more you keep tabs, the more he will rebel and the longer you keep yourself in his crazy MLC equation.
One of the things that helped me detach was to not hear when he returned. I dragged this loud air filter next to my bed and slept like that. This prevented me from hearing what was going on voila, I was able to sleep and detach from the craziness. In the AM, I smiled and acted as if. But I stopped asking him ANYTHING.
One of the other things I did which took a LOT, was to smile and tell him "to have fun" as he was leaving. (Then as he left I imagined making a voodoo doll of him and torturing him. Lol!) Early one Saturday morning, I tried a 180 and turned to him and said " you should go out and have some fun tonight!" He looked shocked and he did it but coincidentally that was the last time he went out like that?!? Maybe coincidence but it was freeing to tell him "I don't care!!" (Even though I did and it hurt like he€€.)
Months later, like a viper, he said to me "stop telling me to go and have fun."
The point is: find some ways to detach from it. As Job tells us-focus on you and your kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It has been 6 months since BD and 8 months since I knew something was off with my H, he has continued the D threats and desire to move out to live alone or with other guys. He doesn't pick up his phone, stays out on weekends and comes home late at night. Denies their is someone, he does have health issues which he needs surgery for but is avoiding going to the doctor to treat it. He thinks moving out and starting new will get rid of the constant aches and pains he experiences, denies that it is depression. When you read depression symptoms there are so many overlaps between MLC symptoms and depression symptoms....not wanting to be affectionate, can't stand your spouse, wanting to be alone and staying out of the house constantly. He fills his time with watching sports, working and avoiding being home. I have tried being the nice and patient wife, he seems to be taking advantage of that. How do you guys have the patience to deal with this? The only success stories I have read involved people who gave up and left or asked for divorce, i haven't read stories where the husband wakes up from this naturally without something big occurring...
Maddy, Just be yourself and don't pretzel yourself for him. Treat him as if he were a roommate. If you prepare dinner and he isn't there on time, eat your dinner...don't wait on him. He needs to start doing things for himself. You wouldn't do the laundry for a roommate, nor pick up their dirty dishes, run their errands for them, etc.
Do not attempt to discuss whether he has depression or not. He's not going to listen to you. Some of those aches and pains are depression talking and he is the only one that can decide when he's had enough of the down times and feeling miserable...he will then seek medical attention.
I'll share just a wee bit of my story. My xh left twice. The second time, he made threats about leaving and one day I finally had enough of it and told him that he should go. It took him just about two weeks to do so, but I can tell you, my life was so much better w/him gone. No more walking on eggshells. But, you have to decide just how much you can handle. The threats are made to keep you at bay so that you aren't bugging him.
They all think that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or that the grass is greener on the other side...but we all know it's not. Your h needs to experience life as a teenager once again and if he wants to go, then let him go, but you can also leave the door ajar in case he wakes up years down the road.
There are a few success stories on here where they have gradually returned to earth. They don't necessarily have to have something big to occur to do this.
If you are going to continue living w/him, then you'll need to dig for more patience and remember...he's growing up and yes, he's depressed and will be for some time. He's not the man you knew and you need to remember that.
Keep moving forward, live your life for YOU. Your roommate will have a lot of catching up to do down the road.
Live your life to the fullest. If you are invited to go out and enjoy the holidays, then go. Don't stay home because he doesn't want to participate. The more you do for yourself and keep busy, the better it will be for you. If he sees you are doing things, he might just show a bit of interest and want to be involved...but if he doesn't...you'll still have some fun. MLC takes years to complete and life is far too short for you to sit around waiting on him to wake up. Again, live your life to the fullest.
I have started working a very low paying job but one I like and have been busy spending time with friends and taking my kids out. My H is deep in MLC, hardly spends anytime at home and if I include him in any family activity insists on us spending time separately with the kids even though he is living at home. On many occassions has threatened to move out and says "It's over" between us, "Let's lead separate lives" and "We have nothing to do with each other" He has been like this almost the entire MLC approx 6 months. Haven't seen much improvement except i don't see much anger more empty, indifference.
He never picks up the phone and rarely answers any text. He has some health issues and is convinced he is going to die soon, is there any way to convince our spouses that this is a phase, that they won't always feel empty inside? Instead of them destroying their families in the process to fill that empty, painful feeling they are suffering from?
Maddy, There is no way to convince them that they are going through a phrase because they will not listen to you. MLC has to run it's course w/o our interference. I know, it's difficult, especially when they live at home.
BTW, they do think about death and being sick early on in the crisis, so what he's going thru is very normal. It's the depression talking and it's not helping his health issues at the moment, but he's a grown man and he'll need to make some decisions on his own about what to do about his health. The more you try to talk to him about it, the more he's going to shut down on you and distance from you.
Six months isn't a long time and he still has a ways to go. Continue to live your life to the fullest and just leave him alone. Yes, leave him alone. Give him plenty of time and space to choke on and hopefully, one day, he'll wake up and realize what a beautiful wife he has.
Change the way you deal w/him, i.e., cut down on the calls and texts. Only contact him if it's an emergency or something related to a child. Keep your expectations at zero because the man you knew is gone for now. The person you see in front of you is not your h right now because he's reverted back to a teenager.
Maddy, right now, your h doesn't care about destroying his family. It's all about him and what he needs to do to make himself feel better. He wants fun, no responsibilities and above all else, he wants his freedom to do whatever he wants. So, while he's experiencing his crisis, you will need to take care of yourself and live your life to the fullest. If and when, he wakes up, that is when you'll need to decide if you want to reconcile or not...but for now...take care of you and your family. For now, leave him in the man upstairs hands. There's nothing you can do to help him because this is something he must go thru on his own.
Maddy, what are you doing to take care of you? Are you getting out and doing things? How are you coming along w/your holiday plans?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also agree with Job No way to convince them of anything..their mind is set and unchangeable You are doing good getting a job and spending time with friends we have to start over even while they are home because the crises can last a long time as he sees you living your life, making changes and being a friend to him not asking too much..just doing your own life , maybe he will get curious but in my own experience, nothing really made my xh turn around we have to detach and let them go…some do return but it takes time and there is no way to rally know what the outcome will be I don't Know your situation but MY XH lived at home for months also b4 finally moving Its always good to keep a check on the finances as the MLCer will spend a lot and some of us hear can find ourselves in financial trouble if we don't watch
Good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanx for the reminders...it takes a while but I really think I have reached a new level of acceptance...it's strange that I have stopped caring about what he's doing and where he is going, I use to go out of my way to be nice to him and searching for a kind word or small action that would give me hope. I realized I am worth more than that...it truly is his loss....I hope this is not a phase for me because it feels good to not care whether it works out or not, I know I will be fine. I have enough self respect to know I don't deserve to be taken for granted. I keep myself busy with friends and work and try to avoid being home when I know he is there. It's true the MLCer won't respect us or see our value if we don't value ourselves. Is it bad that I want to avoid him at all costs? i have become numb towards him and have even imagined my life without him....
Maddy, It's understandable that you would like to avoid him at all costs. He's acting out and certainly isn't the man you loved and cared about. He's become the mirror image of that man and right now, it's all about him and he's singing the "me, me, me" song quite often.
The most important thing is to take care of YOU. Do what makes YOU happy and if that means only nodding your head when he comes into a room or just saying have a nice day, then so be it. Eventually, he will attempt to engage you into conversations, but only address what you think is necessary. Keep your responses short and sweet.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So lately I have noticed some slight changes, he has been doing some of the things he use to do pre-BD, fixing things around the house and actually bringing home food for the family...he still insists we are over and leaves the house without mentioning where he's going. Do these acts mean anything at all? I'm staying detached but curious about other peoples experiences.
