Lost Hope (5)

[JulieH]

Thanks JPEG.

I know you understand, and I really like your advise because your going through something similar (although I have no proof of affair which for me would make things black and white and much easier).

It's funny cause when I read your sitch, I thought no brainer. She needs to take him for what he's worth, she deserves better. When it's me I think I'm to blame, and I drove my husband to this,

Regardless, husband made choice to leave. I don't know why I am being weak and enabling this behavior. By doing this, I am a character that I don't like or respect. I have also greatly devalued myself.

I need to commit this saying a relative of mine says to her bf...."I love you, but I love me more"

[Rouky]

Hi Julie,

Just caught up with your new thread. I understand your views but you have to realise that no matter what happens between the two of you, your H is responsible for bring up our two lovely boys. By law he has no choice. I think your H reacts the way it is because you are setting boundaries and you are in the process of becoming a new super, confident Julie and he doesn't like that.

You really need CS to help you to bring your kids up. Let your L deals with everything. Keep your chin up. You are an amazing woman :-)

[gonegrl]

Julie, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said. I agree with Zues, send him a quick text, no apologies or explanation, just an FYI. I agree with everyone else, you need to do what's right legally for your children. Do it now before he spends all of his money or loses his job or disappears or who knows what else. If it makes you feel any better, OW will be less attracted to a man who has less $ to spend.

[ep0215]

Julie - I just wanted to offer my support again. You are doing the right thing by you and your children. You are an amazing mother for putting them first. I agree with Rouky, H is not like the new confident, strong, woman you are becoming but we do

[mustardseed]

I basically feel guilty for filing for child support.

Child support is for the kids not for you. I completely understand why you might feel guilty, but you need to put it into perspective.

Your sitch is so similar to mine and I feel for what you are going through. Right now I am in a very terrified state of mind and I am trying to work through it, so I don't have too much advice to give, except that there will be a light at the other side of this. I truly believe that, and I see it in those who have already made it to the other side.

Get a lawyer and protect yourself and your children. He is going to try to guilt you and blame you and make you feel like you are the one who did this, but they are all tactics. Just because you get a lawyer doesn't mean you have to pursue, all it means is that someone is watching your back when your emotions keep you from seeing the bigger picture.

[JulieH]

Mustard seed,

Sometimes I see a similarity and then sometimes I will read something by a male poster about his wife and realize that I was pretty awful too.

I have no Intel whatsoever and that makes it difficult for me because to me cheating is black and white and then I know to proceed agressively and with my own interests at heart. When I think I was at fault, or contributed greatly I feel like I want to try to keep things amicable.

You are right. my emotions are keeping me from seeing the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that I need to move on, and this legal crap is my reality and can't be denied anymore.

I don't want him as official enemy.

He has been nice and we have not had too many conflicts as of yet. Especially now that I know he does not want reconciliation.

He knows he will lose financially. He has pointed it out numerous times, so will this really be a big surprise to him?

[mustardseed]

I think that whether you contributed to the breakdown or not does not change the fact that you need to have someone looking out for you. Being amicable does not mean rolling over. It means that you want what is fair. You want your marriage in tact and your kids to be provided for. If he is bailing on the first part of this requires a certain safety net to ensure the second piece is not being neglected.

If his claim is that he is unhappy in the marriage so financially you should struggle to meet the needs of your children, what does that say to you about the kind of person he is? You can be amicable by having a lawyer determine what is fair and explaining to H where the money is going. Legally I don't think you owe him that much explanation but it might make it easier to have an amicable relationship if you disclose that. If he has a problem with that then you know he isn't trying to be amicable, and you won't be able to negotiate with him.

The money is for your children, not for you.

[JulieH]

Thanks again mustard seed. I know it's his obligation. I Dont understand why he does not see this... He has left his family for his in laws to support and provide for. He feels like we are doing ok because we have family to help. We lack for nothing, but my family did not choose to get married and have kids. He did. If I i told you his level of education and salary you would be shocked. In my mind, this type of behavior occurs in fathers that are in and out of prison and gangs etc. I just don't understand where it comes from and want to know why.

I really can't comprehend the level of selfishness. Especially the past 2 years. because he was not like this before. How can someone change this much? Or perhaps he was like this...and I reacted to it in past and we argued and built up resentments. Or perhaps I just was in denial. He told me I don't see us as incompatible because in past I was happy because I always got my way and he suffered to keep peace.

Or Maybe he was asking these same questions about me after the kids were born and after miscarriages. ( I was no angel either...although at the time I thought I was reacting to his selfishness and there is some truth to that, but only some)

But I have to remind myself. He left. I didn't.

More importantly I have to remind myself that when I think about him, I feel like I'm mentally stuck in quicksand. I come up with all these diagnosis and scenarios in past and made up scenarios in future. And what's the point. They get me no where!!!! These whys are just emotional baggage that is draining me.

But when I think of me and kids and work and the people on this site I am filled with hope. I need more GAL to occupy me with. New friends would be great, but really hard with the kids. I need to keep focused on me. I understand what this means more and more and just need to implement and learn how to change my thought patterns.

[Zues126]

Julie, there is a good conversation going on in Sunny's thread on 'surviving the big D'. Check it out and hang in

[JulieH]

So apparently the paperwork got mailed a lot quicker then I expected...he called me today and was actually sensible. Talked about how we will save legal fees if we do this through mediator. Telling me how I will have to be able to account for all of my expenses. That he has been giving kids money and kept account for everything, so what I am doing is a waste of money in legal fees. That he wants more visitation. That he cannot pay 25% or he will be living at mothers forever.

I wasn't expecting phone call and 2 of us ended up arguing. I complained about him leaving us for my family to support he complained about nasty remarks I made. I did same.

I said he is the one that said he does not want to work on reconciliation. He said I get everything wrong and that he said he CAN'T work on reconciliation. And that is our problem...that I don't hear what he is saying. ????????

He basically pointed out what a terrible wife I was and that I did nothing for him as the provider (I worked part time and took care of kids). I pointed out all of the bad communication tools and failure to recognize the love languages.

He sounded like he was crying at end. (I think he is just upset about money) We don't understand each other and we are at such opposite opinions on everything.

He was definatly acting like I did this impulsively without thought. His fear is court. I know this is his fear.

I'm sorry am writing quickly from phone in dark parking lot. Will come back later.