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EyeTie Offline OP
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Just a quick update.

Things are going great in life. I am keeping busy with work and play. J and I took off for the weekend just the two of us, no kids. It was a fun time and I really enjoy her company. It was almost a year ago that my WW asked for a divorce (quickly saying let's take a month to "work" on us) and I can't believe how good things are.

As for the WW. She has become resentful, spiteful, bitter and angry. She has been attempting to latch onto any of my friends who will talk to her. It's even gotten as bad as she started attending my church (she went about 5 times from December to February then quit all together) and attempted to tell me to find a different place of worship. She is essentially upset that I no longer care about her opinion (unless it has to do with the kids) as well as the fact that I no longer listen to anything she says.

I realize that I am the one in control now, not her. I am not trying to get back together with her and I have said that to her countless times (no matter how often she says it's the case, she is finally realizing it's not). I am not sure what the end game is going to be, I do not trust her or believe anything she says. She will attempt to be the victim and perp depending on her mood and who she is with.

She still jabs at me, most recently about J's 7 year old daughter who attends a school for the gifted. My WW started making fun of her in front of myself and my kids, I looked at her and said "Wow, you must really be proud of yourself for making fun of a beautiful, intelligent, sweet 7 year old..." She didn't respond.

It's really sad to me to see her like this. I kind of knew it would happen, be it she is jealous (she has a bf still, I think?) or realizes that she made a mistake. At the end of the day, I am happy. My kids are happy and that is all that matters to me.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
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Eye tie, thanks for keeping us updated.

I think that it is very hard for your wife to realize she has been replaced and feels ignored. (In my opinion the worst feeling) Hard to comprehend or empathize because she is the one that initiated all this and her motives do not seem to be out of remorse but some type of inner issue. Need for control? Challenge of getting you back from another woman?

Sounds like she is making comments about child, just to get some type of reaction from you, because something is better then nothing. Almost like a child seeking negative attention. She needs to prove to herself that she can still invoke some type of emotional response from you. I hope she gets the help she needs.

It seems like you are trying your hardest to not get dragged into this game she is playing and I commend you for it. It's a challenge to be the bigger person when someone is clearly pushing buttons. But the good thing is that you can detach and remain happy.

I reread your post about letting go of anger torwards her regarding infidelity and I am just so impressed with your refusal to succumb to bitterness and punishment.

I hope you will continue to post.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
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EyeTie Offline OP
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Thank you, I will continue posting as things happen.

For several years I put her happiness over my own. In my world, her and the kids were my #1 priority and I don't even think I was ever in her top 5. Which is sad, but it is what it is. The hardest part for me was recouping my self-worth and accepting that I am better than that. I beat myself up for months on it, thinking "only if..." when in reality I shouldn't have.

I have learned many lessons through out all of this break-up. I realized that the person I was a year ago was NOT who I wanted to be, nor should I have allowed it to happen. Instead I decided to be someone better, someone happy.

It is official, that J is my girlfriend now. We stepped up the relationship and I am quite happy about it. We click. We are both a little insecure at times, but luckily it hasn't put too much stress or pressure on us. For the first time in a while, I am actually happy.

As for the ex, she is not. She is still angry. She is still miserable. She has gotten so odd that the person she has become is someone I wouldn't want in my life. If it were not for the kids, then I wouldn't have anything to do with her.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Glad to hear things are going well EyeTie, sounds like you've successfully DB'ed yourself right into happiness and the start of a healthy new relationship.

On some level even from my distance it's hard not to feel a bit bad for your ex. She sounds like she's completely lost on a number of levels. Obviously she put you through hell, but here you are on the other side while she's taken up permanent residence.

Good luck with J, it sounds like you're entering into it maturely and healthily. Congrats!

PP


M 39 W 36
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BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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EyeTie Offline OP
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Thank you PigPen.

There are days when I do feel bad for her. I know she is struggling to find her place and is unsure of her future. I know that the life she has is not the one she visioned when she left. I know that she regrets her decision (although she will never admit it). I know that me being happy is destroying her, since she is so miserable. But at the end of the day, this was her decision to make. Not mine. I love her, I always will, but this time around ILYBNILWY is how I feel about her.

My WW has said that we outgrew one another over the years. I didn't realize how true that was until a few months ago when I saw her one Sunday morning. She was out at the bar both Friday/Saturday night, her complexion looked like crap, she was in a crabby mood and I realized right then and there that I would rather have a night in with my kids than a night out at the bars with people I don't care about.

Part of her issue is that we did get together when she was young. She was 18, pregnant by the time she was 21 and "missed out" on going out with her friends. It was a compromise that we discussed at great lengths. So now that we are no longer a couple, she has the freedom to do such, I don't think she expected it to come at such a high cost.

I am not bitter, angry or hateful towards her. I hope she figures out her life and finds happiness. When this all started I used to pray that she would come back. Several times a day in fact. Now I pray that she finds happiness that I could not provide to her.

Through out this whole ordeal, I have realized a lot about life. When I got sick last winter and was told that I may have 5 months to live, it put things into an incredible perspective. I made a plan and said "If I live, this is what I am going to do". #1 was be the best father I can be. #2 was taking nothing in life for granted. #3 was let go of the things I can't change. Who I was a year ago and who I am now are completely different people and I couldn't be happier. I lost my wife in the process, but I also walked away from several friendships that were negative influences in my life. I like my life now. I am happy. And I hope that all of you DBers find the same happiness that I have fount. Good luck.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
EyeTie, I feel very similar about my W even though I'm still praying for her to figure out who she is and work through her problems. I see some things that show me shd might be on the right path back to finding herself but still alot to do. I also realize I could very well be done like you are in the near future. I feel bad for her also but at the end of the day they choose this path, not us.

Everything else you said about your W I could relate to and it brought up another thought. In a previous post you said how you won't be that bitter H and you have done alot of work to avoid that. I understand how easy it would be for all of us to turn into that person but we strive for a better us instead.

It reminds me of my father and something I learned yesterday. My step mom was a WAW/possibly WW a few years ago and when she moved out to move in with another woman/man for a break my father got bitter and divorced her immediatly. He's still very bitter about women in general and I'm not sure be will have another healthy relationship. My step mom since then has had her life go downhill and my father sees that as she was wrong and he was right. The truth is they both failed not only in the M but also in what happened afterwards. She has lived in a hotel where she works for the last year and nearly moved across the world to live with a man she met over the internet. He dumped her within a week of when she was planning on leaving. It shows she keeps chasing that dream of what will make her happy and isn't finding it. My father could have made changes and turned himself into a new man but basically said "good riddens" to her and learned nothing about himself or how he contributed to that breakdown.

I think it shows those of us that do the work are in a much better place for the future and it's good to hear things are going so well for you after workong on you. It hurts to know they are going down that path where they learn nothing and make things worse but that's their choice. We have our own to make that has nothing to do with what they do.

Together, apart, we all have decisions to make that fail who we could be on the future.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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EyeTie Offline OP
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Thanks Fogg.

Honestly, I feel free. Free from her drama, her hate, her spite, her lack of manners and bitterness. Tonight, the kids and I cuddled on the couch and watched Pinocchio. They had never seen it and it's been a good 30 years since I have. There was a song that he sings called "I've got no strings" which made me chuckle, because I feel the same way. It's lyrics sung by Pinocchio go...

"I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me

Hi-ho the merry-o
That's the only way to be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me

Hi-ho the merry-o
I'm as happy as can be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me

I've got no strings
So I have fun
I'm not tied up to anyone
They've got strings
But you can see
There are no strings on me"

Really fits, honestly. I hope that helps some of you too to figure it out and realize that life does move on, life goes forward and happiness can be found again. You just have to cut the strings and find it.

Last edited by EyeTie; 11/22/15 01:45 AM.

Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
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EyeTie Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
Since it's been a few weeks since my last update, I figured I would toss one out to you all.

Life is good, sadly I am working 50+ hours a week, which is starting to take a toll on me. I am still dating J and am looking forward to spending Christmas with her and her daughter. Due to the "schedule" I will have my kids Christmas Eve and then will bring them to my exes Christmas morning. She did invite me to stick around if I wanted to, but I think it's best that I drop them off and go on my way. The divorce is still no where in sight, I have no idea what to even say anymore about it. Part of me thinks that I should just file and get it over with, the other part of me doesn't really care enough to do so. Luckily, J isn't too upset about the situation and understands it.

Sadly, I am dealing with the holiday blues and actually miss my ex. I find myself thinking of ways to "get back together" which I like in theory, but in reality it would be a train wreck. I think too much time has passed, too much damage, too much hurt has happened to even make it an option. Which is actually ok, I think I am just missing that part of my life (to some extent) and will be fine.

I guess at the end of the day, I am still a little broken. But it's ok to be broken, no one is perfect.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
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Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Hi eyetie

Has your wife been making any changes? Any easier to get along with?

I imagine it's normal to miss her. You shared an important part of your life with her. Time has passed, but time also heals a lot. You never really know what the future will bring.
Glad for the update, and hope you get some good vacation time in soon smile


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
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EyeTie Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
My wife is a conundrum. One minute we can be by one another without any problems, we can laugh, hug and it's like old times. The next she will go distant and start a fight over nothing. As I stated before, I do think she is regretting her decisions and will subconsciously ruin any "good moments" we have, so she doesn't feel as though this was a mistake. Sadly, my kids are the ones who deal with it the worst. My son has told his counselor that he feels he needs to choose sides in this mess. Because he hears his Mother talk ill about his Father. I refuse to bash her in front of the kids. She doesn't care who is around her when she trash talks me.

And like I said, we spent 10 years together. Holidays are sorta hard, because she was a big part of my life. But as you said JulieH, life moves on and I am excited to see what it brings me.

Otherwise, things are ok. J and I are making plans for a future together. No, not marriage, but things like concerts and little trips in a few months. I am happy, just a little reserved I guess.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. All of you who are starting your journey, please read my threads and GAL!!! That is what kept me sane throughout my journey.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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