How do you guys stand it? MLCers never own upto any of their mistakes, their so narcissistic, compulsive liars....what's left to love? i can't stand their selfish, world revolves around me personality, wondering if it's worth holding on?
How do I stand it - In the beginning it was a challenge just to get through the day, but as time goes on and I understand more about MLC and what my h is going through it has got so much easier.
Knowledge is Power - read as much as you can about MLC and depression, Cadet gave you some good links. Listen to advice from the vets here and also read others' threads from the beginning, they will give you an insight into what to expect, you may also find others with similar sitch to yours.
Wondering if its worth holding on - only you can decide this. Holding on does not mean standing still though. While you leave your h to go on his own journey, it an opportunity for you to move yourself forwards and gain personal growth by going on your own one. Allow this to unfold and as it does it will guide you to making the right decisions for you.
Does your MLCer make up stuff about you to family and friends to justify wanting a D or wanting to separate. My MLCer is so worried about looking like the "bad" guy and wants to make sure everyone is convinced that I am a horrible person who made his life miserable for 10 years even though he would tell me he loves me everyday and would say I am an amazing wife just 6 months ago.
Maddy, Yes, they rewrite history and make up stuff about you to justify why they are doing the things that they are doing. One day, people will begin to realize that what he's telling them isn't the truth. Family...blood is thicker than water and in many cases, they believe what they tell them...others won't. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Hold your head up high, back straight and live your life to the fullest...eventually the truth will come out. Whether they want to believe it or not...that's on them.
Also, read as much as you can on MLC and male depression. Your h is following the path of MLC pretty much like all of them. Many behaviors are the same, but each one is as unique as the individual. Also, you may want to start visiting other threads and posting to them so that you get a wider poster audience for responses to your threads. Every little bit helps when it comes to dealing w/MLC.
Try to keep the focus on you, live your life to the fullest and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.
Here's a link to MIDLIFE for Dummies. It's a quick overview and yet it's true, but funny, because they all follow some of the behaviors written in this link.
I have a month before my MLCer decides whether he will file for D... he is convinced that it will be the only thing that will make him feel "not controlled" and resolve his issues.
How should I act in the next month, distant and mysterious? (or) nice, loving wife? I have been trying to be the nice, loving wife but seems as though he thinks this just shows we will get along well after D because of the young kids. I don't think he sees it as my wife is so nice... I should reconsider the D. Because we will get start to get along well for a week but then he will do something to trigger an argument, so he could say "see you haven't changed, you will always be this way"
The DB coach once told me to try different things and notice if any of my behaviors brought XH closer
I noticed back then for me my xh would come around more and interact with us the nicer and more accepting I was..so I didn't have to approve of his craziness, but I understood that it was the way he felt and he was in MLC
If the R talk came up, and he would say you want this D too right- I would say NO, but I would validate him
In the end, The MLC still has to run its course
They may enjoy the NEW friendship with LBS, and this confuses them more..and they may trigger a fight to justify themselves but If you understand that the waves are pulling them to sea, and you are truly powerless, it helps
As I look back to that time in my life..I am grateful that I gave it my bets shot Although, It didn't bring him back..I now realize I am better off without him
Hang in there..It will get easier soon-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Maddy, So, your h is going to decide in a month whether to file for divorce...sounds like he's using the divorce card to have you jump thru hoops and pretzel yourself into doing everything he wants done before then and when you've done everything, he'll come up with something else. He's trying to control his situation and you while he makes a decision. They use the divorce card when they want us to back off and leave them alone to do their own thing.
Maddy, continue to be yourself. Nothing you say or do will keep him from moving ahead w/the divorce if he has his mind set on it. If he's baiting you into arguments, then you need to end the conversation before it escalates into a full blown argument and walk away. He wants you to argue w/him so that he has justification for wanting a divorce. In some cases, they do this so that you will tell them to pack their bags and leave.
No more discussions about the relationship and/or separation. The topic of the day should be your children, i.e., how they are doing, medical appointments, school, etc. Many of them do think that we all can be best buds after the divorce. Being friends w/a MLCer isn't easy and usually you will only hear from them when they want something. Friendship isn't a deep bond w/them because they are very shallow. Besides, who wants to be friends w/someone who has treated you so shabbily after all of the years you've been together? In my opinion, it's their way of saying "I'm divorcing you, but want to keep you on the side in case I need something". But, time will tell just how good a friend he will be to you and your children.
I'm sorry he's behaving this way and I know it's difficult having him under foot...but you have to live your life for you and your children now. Continue to be yourself and do not change who you are just to please this man. You have to be happy w/yourself and any changes that you make, you make them for YOU, not him.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job, I agree... it did finally sink in..no matter what I do my MLCer just wants to make sure they are in control, i can see how he tries to bait me into arguments so that I will push him out; therefore he can tell everyone that that it was me who got upset and kicked him out... I am being careful not to fall into that trap.
peace today, I kept my distance and avoided him... turns out he took that as me being cold and rude, another reason to blame me & decided to be even colder back. Now I am sticking with GAL and staying busy, but being nice.
It's obvious they are struggling internally:
By being cold and distant, i realizes this justifies their behavior even more. By being clingy or having "r" talks, they feel pressured and want to run away. By keeping busy, having no expectations & being nice even when they are cold/rude.... they are confused and want to push you away but it becomes harder for them to justify their hatred.
Things were peaceful mostly because I stopped paying attention to where he was going, what he was doing even though he would stay out past midnight.
Unfortunately I slipped and asked him a few questions,i asked him if he was going into the office on a saturday which triggered him to say "i dont have to tell you, i dont ask where you are going...i'm moving out anyways".
One step forward, five steps back....it seems the only way to live in peace with an MLCer is to never ask them anything! I seem to forget this rule every 2 weeks.
