Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
#2624358 11/17/15 12:39 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
My thread was almost up so starting a new one.

Can anyone help me on if I should reach back out to STBXH or wait until the last minute? Copying this from the last thread

Originally Posted By: ep0215
I need some help with whether I follow-up with STBXH again or leave it be and see what happens…

Two weeks ago I approached him about S4 and I leaving Tuesday night, for our trip to my Grandmother’s for Thanksgiving, instead of Wednesday morning. It is a 10 hour drive so I want to break it up into two drives. He immediately said no without thinking about it because he would be giving up an overnight stay. He was in a confrontational mood so I dropped it. The next Wednesday I asked him to reconsider letting us break up the trip and I would swap nights with him so he still had an overnight. We won’t be leaving until 8:00 at night so he would still get him all day and for dinner. He said he would think about it. So I asked him on Saturday if he had thought about it, the answer was no he had not thought about it at all.

So I have now broached the subject 3 times. How long do I let him “think” about it before asking again? Too much pressure I know the answer will be a flat ‘no’. I do need to know a little in advance to get a hotel room half way and to let my Dad and Grandmother know when we are arriving. I am trying not to let my Type A personality control how long he has to think. I am a planner and want all my ducks in a row when traveling. If I do bring it up again I am not sure how to go about it. I don’t know if I can wait until the day before to see if he brings it up, should I?


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Ep, I'm not sure anything is going to persuade him, your H seems like a real pain. However, is there a way you could phrase it so that's it an advantage to him, or to S, instead of to you? As in, "H, would you like to take Monday night instead of Wednesday because S will have to go to bed so early in order to get up for the trip that you won't really get to spend much time with him?" I may not have nailed the specifics here, but you get the general idea. Can you come up with something like that?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
HI, ep, Sunny asked me to stop by and answer your thread. Your question is urgent, so what are your current custody arrangements? What would be the impact of you just telling him you were going to do what you want with the travel arrangements? How much has your parenting arrangement been formalized?

In my case, Mr. Fantastic rarely asks for extra time with the kids. I have them full time, minus every other weekend, so my plans are really never disrupted by his needs. If your H is more controlling I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but in general, I will make a couple of observations:

1. You've asked him three times. Any more than that and not only will he (unreasonably) think you're a nag, but you will also look very weak in his eyes. I've learned from parenting that you make your stand, make the consequences clear, and then you execute as promised. Not threatened. Promised. Threats are what you've made when you don't follow through.

2. I felt better about myself when I acted as a stronger person. Not in the sense of lashing out, but in the sense of knowing your own boundaries and honoring them. It took some trial and error to figure out how to do that, but it really helps.

One tip I've picked from elsewhere is that you use his desire to look good as a tool to motivate him. As much as you might feel icky doing it, flattering him into letting you swap will probably be effective. Something along the lines of what Sunny said, or "My family would so appreciate it if you give us the extra day to enjoy S4, and he'll be so much better behaved if the trip is less demanding." The implication here is that his child and his generosity makes him look good, even though he's acting like a... I'm sure you can fill in the blank here. smile

Worst case scenario, he doesn't give and you make the trip in one day. If that happens, congratulate yourself for being stronger and more resourceful than you knew. The summer Mr. Fantastic left me, I took my three kids on three different 10-14 hour (each way) road trips. Not only am I proud of myself for being Awesome, but we have some fun memories together that are a big part of how close we are as a four-person family. You've got this!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Sunny, Maybell, and V - thank you all so much for responding. The last time I talked to H about the trip I forgot to add that I did offer to give him another night instead and that it would be easier than him having to get up extremely early for us to leave Wed. I have said and offered all I am willing to, I won't negotiate against myself. I think I will give him through Saturday to see if he says anything and then maybe a gentle reminder that we leave in X number of days...

Maybell - I agree with you wholeheartedly that bringing it up again will make me look weak which is why I wasn't sure what to do. I need to keep my ground. I have been doing really well with that lately. Our parenting plan is set and technically I don't get him until Wednesday for Thanksgiving break (I get the odd years). I am not sure what would happen if I showed up Tuesday night to take him but it would NOT be good for me.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Ep, I do want to really encourage you. Divorce is cr@ppy for a reason. You may not win this one, but you will get to make your trip, just not under your preferred conditions. But that doesn't mean anything other than that your H's inflexibility is inconveniencing his child and over time, if that's his regular position, it will be visible to people what his selfishness costs. With luck that pressure will cause him to be more amenable to requests in the long run.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I hope you still find a LOT to be grateful for on Thanksgiving Day. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Maybell - thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot to me. I'm waiting on S4 to get out of church so I am typing on my phone. Excuse the short post. STBXH will be here in 10 min to swap, let's pray he's come to a decision. Fingers crossed!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Went to dinner and drinks with my bestie after church. Just got home and off a 20 minute call with STBXH.

I can leave Tuesday night for my trip but I had to give him Sunday night and Monday night in it's place. Yeah, let's talk about being fair. (dripping with sarcasm) (He actually told me that paying me alimony wasn't fair) boy did I drink a STFU smoothie with that one.

The long call was based on the fact that I got an email about Dr. C's opening appointment times for the next collaborative meeting. We agreed in the last meeting that was our last, so I called him to see if something changed that he knew about. He didn't know any different than me but he told me he is meeting his L tomorrow to talk about the house issue. Ummmm there is no house issue, it is in my offer that I get the house.

He said his L told him I didn't want the house so he needed to figure out if he wanted it or if we should sell. (I am sure this is not the conversation that happened but how he interrupted it, but of course it is everyone else's fault that there was a miscommunication). His actual words not mind reading.

I never told my L that I didn't want the house. I believe his L was wanting him to do the research for their counter offer. Anyway, I validated that must be frustrating and confusing but hopefully I was able to give him some information for his meeting tomorrow. I thanked him for telling me about his meeting in advance so that we could discuss it beforehand and prevent any further confusion and I also made my gratitude very known for letting me break up our drive. His response was "yeah".

He wanted to know why if I wanted the house then why hadn't I filed the application to assume the mortgage? I said because I wasn't putting the cart before the horse, his reply "huh?"

Oh geez!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
I am completely and utterly confused, angry, sad, etc. Today has not been a good day since 6:00 am when I saw I had received a TM from H late last night while I was sleeping and then it went downhill from there. I thought we had a good conversation last night about his confusion over the house issue but I guess he is still confused. He sent me a long text outlining that my L told his L that we would be agreeable to considering if he wants the house. He took that as I no longer want the house and my L is not saying the same thing as me.

Me: I think the misunderstanding is that I am agreeable to discussing other options. It is not a deal breaker for me but I would prefer the house (hence my offer). My L and I are on the same page, if you want to talk about it before your 10:00 am meeting with your L we can do that.

H: It seems this is being dragged out longer on purpose. I’m not going back and forth anymore.

Me: What does that mean?

H: Exactly what it says. What’s the point in going back and forth when your demands are so outrageous?
(basically I am asking for alimony)

I didn’t reply

H: I guess you agree then. My meeting is at 10

Me: I think differently but I understand why you see it that way

H: So you agree in the fact that there is no point in going back and forth anymore?

Me: No I do not agree. We haven’t gone back and forth, I haven’t received your counter offer

I stopped responding after that since I was talking to my L on the phone but read him the blasts of text that came in while we were on the phone.

He said he submitted an offer two weeks ago but that was a letter saying no to all my requests and that the collaborative process has run its course, remember? Not a counter offer.

H: You responded saying you were agreeable to me taking the house if I can assume the mortgage. Now you are telling me that’s not what you said?
H: That’s the email stated from your L

H: This is exactly what I am talking about why I feel like this is being dragged out

H: This is going to end very badly financially for both of us

H: You can’t ask for something that is not even there and then ask for a counter offer

H: My meeting is at 10

H: Something has to change very soon

I have not responded to any of this. My L stated he would call his L and tell him to stop bullying me, it is not helping. He called me back and said that they did not have a meeting today. WTF?? We ended up having to schedule a meeting with Dr. C since she is really good at helping with the high emotions. My L reassured me that I have not done anything to drag this out. I have submitted everything that has been asked of me in a timely and efficient manner. I just don’t know how to deal with this. I have continued to stay calm when talking to him. I validate when I can but it doesn’t seem to do anything. UGH!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Ep, I'm so sorry it's going like this for you. It's definitely not how the collaborative process is supposed to go. At this point, all you can do is communicate clearly with your L and trust him. Stay calm.

I had to tell my L yesterday to back off. He sent me a text, wanted me to call, I said no. I was M for 25 years, everyone can wait a day or two.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
E
ep0215 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Thank you, Sunny. I'm actually surprised how calm I have been able to be. I owe that to the help I have received from this board.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard