I divorced my first husband and for the most part it was a amicable separation and divorce. We got married way too young and because I was pregnant. I also had a long term relationship come to an end after 9 years. It was rough, but again I moved on.
Why oh why do I have such a hard time letting go of my H? I know I can go it alone. I have before. Once when my kids were little and then again when they were teenagers. I can do this!!!!! But I really don't want to. My H and I got married with the understanding that a few years into the marriage we would be by ourselves. My kids grown and gone. Just him and I! We made plans for our future...and he walked away from it all. I do wonder often if it was because I became ill. He is adamant that my sickness had nothing to do with it, but maybe he really couldn't handle the thought of having to take care of me.
One other thing I realized....I thought when I met my H that I had hit the jackpot. Never been married, no children......no baggage!? My long term relationship before had an ex-wife and a step-son involved. Lots of drama, court cases and in the end I lost most contact with my SS. Very painful. What I didn't realize is that my H was just too selfish to put anyone besides himself as a priority. That is why he never got married. He didn't even live with his long term GF. He didn't want kids, because God forbid that someone might come before him. He is really like a little boy...man-child! Video games and riding his motorcycle are more important than anything else. Hanging with his buddies and talking about comic books. Even taking care of a hamster was and is too much responsibility for him.
Arrrggghh....just venting. Why would I want to be with him??? I keep asking myself that!
Last edited by Di-mond; 11/11/1502:14 AM.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Dimond, I suffer from chronic illness, too. I know for certain it was part of the reason H abandoned me. He actually shouted the question, "am I just supposed to watch you die?" at me the day after bomb drop. I want to think part of it was a feeling of helplessness to make me better. Truthfully, the likelihood is that I'm just not as much fun anymore. I'm more of a burden than an equal partner.
He was always happiest back when I did MORE than my share; when the roles reversed, he gradually detached more and more. Some people really don't understand a vow. I would never have abandoned him...I understood there was a possibility of "for worse". H is a "happiness" chaser...it's all about him.
Despite what I see as a clear character flaw in him, I miss him so much it hurts. I miss talking to him, hugging him, having him sleep beside me, and the sound of his voice. He's so wrapped into every part of my life that this D is literally tearing me apart. He's got plenty of company since vows don't mean much to him. I'm pretty much isolated out in the country. I'm looking forward to moving.
I think it's more than just missing the person. It's a total lifestyle change, the loss of a companion, and the loss of dreams for the future. I don't want this, like you. We'll be okay, eventually. We might even be better than we can imagine. We just have to get through this pain, first. I'm right here with you.
Yes Ancaire we will get through this. We have to...as I tell my children "Quitting is not an option!".
Some days I get angry and I wish on him what he put me through.
I didn't ask to get sick. I didn't want to have a chronic illness. I shouldn't have had to go to doctors appointments alone. My H left me 3 days after I started sick leave from my job. He once told me that I never consulted him before going on sick leave. I thought it was a given, since I spent most of my days being violently ill from chemo injections, that I couldn't go to work anymore. Funny thing is that now that we are separated I manage my illness much better. It was a rough go for a while and I had to stop all medications because my liver was getting seriously damaged. Ah well....I guess I still carry some resentment about the way it all went down.
My H had double hip replacement at 29 due to a childhood illness that damaged his bones. He will be heading for another replacement in about 10 years. He already has issues with pain and mobility at times. Who is going to push his wheelchair then? I hope his mom will still be around then, just like she was when he was 29. I should save my care and concern for someone that deserves it.......yet I still love him.
Grumble! I really wish Some days I didn't.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
As I sit here today in my soon to be former house and watch the events unfold around the world I wonder....
Time can be so fleeting. We never know what can happen from one day to the next. I love my children. I love my family. I love my animals. I love my husband. I love myself.
I want to grow and be happy in my life. I don't want to change my fundamental nature of being kind, caring and loving towards not only the people I love, but everyone in general.
I am moving forward in my life. I have made conscious choices that keep me moving forward. Sometimes against my will. Some days I wish I could go back to happier times, but I can not live in the past. I firmly hope my future includes my H, but I have no control over him, nor do I want to have control over that. I am me! My H knows that I love him and I would love to have a future with him. He also knows that the way he is right now we can't.
He still tells me he loves me every time we talk. He tells me he misses me. He still wears his wedding ring and does not want a divorce. He tells me he needs to be alone to figure things out. I have to give him space. I have to be patient.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
That brought me to tears. I know I have come a long way and have still quite a ways to go. We are all evolving and learning. I still struggle to not take on burdens. I have somewhat isolated myself so I would not, could not take on any burdens that were not my own.
I see uncertainty ahead of me. I waiver, but have jerry rigged my life so that there is no going back to the old and familiar. Life will never be the same as it was, nor should it be. I see yoga classes and Aqua fitness and taking college courses and art classes. Maybe I'll buy a clarinet and start playing again. In the distant future I see myself running my own business doing holistic animal care. I am not the same person my husband fell in love with, the self sacrificing martyr that takes care of everyone else. The stable, financially secure, mapped out my life until retirement kind of person. I have learned to let go....sometimes I really don't know what will come. None of us do. It's ok. I'm heading in a direction I want to, but if something changes, then oh well. I'm fortunate that for the most part all I really have to worry about is me. As long as I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and love in my life (my kids, my animals, my brothers and mother and yes I hope my H) I'll be ok.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I hope tears of joy and pleasure in who you are. Remarkable, thank you for persisting, for sharing your journey. I have no doubt the shift is permanent.
And having adventures!
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/14/1509:20 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I finally made it to the end of your thread!!! You stopped by mine a little bit ago and I have been taking minutes here and there to get through yours. It seems both our H are gamers and would rather do an instance with guild members then talk, laugh, touch a real live human female.
I think you said on my thread that you could have danced naked in front of him and it would not have made a difference. Mine too! I have done it.
December the new Star Wars comes out, so we can expect to be ignored then, unless of course we are dressed as a character!
You should make it your idea, and not his to be ignored. For the next 7 small, short days, just leave him be. He knows beyond the shadow of any doubt all he needs to do is send a text and you will be there for him. Take that away from him for a few days. Not to be mean. You need to pull away for yourself. You want your M so bad that I think you just may be slowing down the process.
I am so so so so excited about January for you! You can get a head start by seeing what books they used last term for your classes and peeking in them now. Are there any classes you HAVE to take that you dread? If you used the next 7 days to just throw yourself into those dreaded classes, school will go so much smoother.
Finding the discipline to force yourself to get the work done comes and goes in waves. So make sure now that you are on your determination wave that you get as much done as you can. We will help you!
When is your modeling event postponed to now?
Keep fighting the good fight!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I have been having a few horrible days. Every day I'm moving things into the condo. My house is almost empty, just the beds and kitchen stuff left. I feel so lost. I think it is really hitting me hard that I'm actually leaving my house, the home I have been in for almost 15 years. I know it needs to be done and that things will be easier for me when I don't have to worry about the upkeep on a big house anymore. I get resentful that I was forced into it. At least that's what it feels like,
What the he** did my H do to me? I was an independant woman. I had a good job, good health, took care of my house, cars, kids and animals. In 5 short years he managed to decimate all of that. Gone is my job of 17 years, health is and will always be a concern, house is sold, animals are split up. I feel like a shadow of the person that I used to be.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
