in house S (4)

[mutatio]

"I have been pondering why I am wearing my wedding ring"

I have had those thoughts. I decided I am wearing it to remind me of my commitment to my marriage. It is a symbol of my hope, my courage during these dark days. I will wear it to the day I am divorced or dead.

[OhGreat]

Yeah, sarcasm don't work. I used to say ok so I started saying I'm not giving you permission, why do you want it? She stopped asking permission then to go out. Then everytime she went out, I got a sitter without her knowledge and left 15 min later. Even if I went to a bowling ally or a restaurant, I went out. She's started asking me to join now and stopped most of it thankfully.
So I guess you can't say no, but you also can't say yes inho, so say nothing or maybe ask why she needs permission. Then get a sitter and leave right after she does. The Galing w your kids, I think, can be abused by your w. Unless of course it is a 180 for you?
Anecdotally, I know a lot of ww. Every one of them, every single one of them has commented to me that their h said that "they don't care" or that it "was ok" that they spoke to an ex bf, or om of some type. They say this with contempt about their h's. So never give your blessing imho.

[vise82]

Hey Mutatio,

Yes that is why I am wearing it. But it does get harder to wear it. I feel like a fool. Like I am living a lie. The ring has lost its full meaning, and represent half of the original commitment.

Hey OhGreat,

That is a good point, I have stood up to this disrespectful behaviour in the past as I am DBing. I didn't tolerate her drinking wine in his house alone, that has stopped. I told her I didn't tolerate her talking to her ex and friending him on Facebook. That stopped, she unfriended him.

But at this point she is going to a party. Cant really say anything about that. the problems will start if she start talking to OM openly. The only thing I can do is stop paying for half of the car she uses or something like that.

Tonight she gave me the list of bills that I am to pay for. I go over it and she accuses me of accusing her of stealing, her same old concerns. This time I see she is using the joint account for her personal purchases. I ask her about it and she says she is using it as her bank account because her pay checks are getting held in her new account for days until she can use the money. I said she needs to plan for that. I asked her to stop buying her stuff with the joint account.

She brings up that I started all this when I opened up my account and stopped depositing my pay into the joint account.

She is stealing money because child benefit money is in the joint account, we agreed that we were going to let that money grow for the kids bills in the joint account.

She is blurring the lines of joint money and her money. I asked her to stop and to use her account. She says I don't trust her. I don't. Didn't tell her that though.

[OhGreat]

Can you make it so you only can withdraw funds from the account with 2 signatures? Yours and hers? On all checks and debits? Businesses can, maybe you can too.

[mutatio]

I wear it for me. To remind me of the man I am. I wear that ring because I am a good man. I took an oath and I will keep it. What do I get if I take it off? I get to be a quitter like my wife. No sir, I will walk thru this extravaganza of excrement with my head held high.

[isittoolate]

When I look back and see how bad my W treated me, I think she was trying to get me to cheat on her, or want to leave the MR. When she talked about taking a break, she was trying to put words in my mouth that I was unhappy and wanted to end the MR just like her. That we should just do it fast and nice because this is what we both want. That we will still be friends and live close to each other ready to help and be there for each other.

Oh how it has not gone that way she planned. I guess she did not treat me as bad as she thought. That she did not break me. But the time she put into it, the effort to not be close to me, the energy to resent me. If she put all that into just working on her own happiness and communicating with me her true feelings, and if I was open to see the big picture, we would be in a different place right now.

This chimes with my W and her treatment of me.
She checks out the MR, detaches from me physically, emotionally, and sexually and eventually after several months I protest. She will ask 'are u unhappy' 'don't you think it's best if we separate' or words to that effect.

Then it's my 'choice' to separate and W absolves herself of guilt. If she put even a small amount of effort into working on MR , it would create a virtuous circle upwards, instead of the spiral downwards.

[sandi2]

Heard her on the phone talking how she is so out of practice and that she has been with me since she was 19. I assume she was talking to her friend about the party. This is the first that I have heard this stuff out of her mouth.

Vise, I don't think she was referring to the party as being out of practice. .

[vise82]

Hey OhGreat,

I will look into the options for the two signatures. I think I am going to get a budget for the family together. She was asking me for solutions a couple of weeks ago. Her focus on herself is not good if she is in a place to make decisions for the family.

Hey Mutatio,

Yes those are great reasons to wear your ring but for reaching your goal of saving the MR how does it help you? I am not sure the rope can be dropped with out removing the ring.

Hey IITL,

We do seem to be in the same place in our sit at times. I see similarities. Some how my W has managed to keep me down as the man I was. This was talked about in my thread with Sandi. W was not treating me like someone who truly loved me. She kept me away from my passion. Just looking back I see red flags that I should have seen, my family did not like her, she isolated me from my friends. But yet after all that I found out I still want to be with her.

My W was saying near BD that we are not good married together. Just WW talk.

Hey Sandi,

The out of practice comment, I think I should confront her about it. ask her what she meant by saying that. I did nothing wrong she was within earshot so it should be fair game to mention? I would have to via text or email because the party is tonight. I point out that it is not a good idea to see other people right now if we are to give this S any chance at helping us R and that we are still married. Just put it to her that I know what she is thinking and let her thoughts take it from there.

[vise82]

Hey,

This morning W was up I said good morning to her she said it back so quietly I could barely hear it.

I helped the kids get settled but the oldest was talking back to me so I reacted and had to discipline him right away. The boundaries work for kids as well.

Then I got ready for work and gave my good byes to the kids.

W asked me to plug something in for her. The outlet is low and difficult for her to reach,, so I did it. and she thanked me for doing it. I cant remember the last time she said thank you for anything.

We said good bye to each other and I left.

One day at a time.

[isittoolate]

It has to be stronger than ' it's not a good idea'

Be strong, be clear, set a boundary. But be prepared to follow it up. A threat is no good, it has to be a promise.