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Originally Posted By: mvgfwd2
I don't know what you're confused about. Your W is still in A with OM, never stopped. She just gave you enough to get you off her back about it. So why on earth would you say ILY or any other term of endearment? That's just her keeping you in her control for continued cake-eating. You can stand up for yourself or not, it's all up to you what you're really willing to live with.

The confusion had nothing to do with staying with her if she continues the A and i dont say ILY anymore and im dropping the hun and love i used to call her i slip up out of habit and all her hun. The confusion to me is how i go from telling her origonally that id be willing to work on fixing our M and go to MC and all that stuff to all of a sudden taking a hard stand and setting boundaries with out telling her i know the affair has continued. I have started and am doing pretty decent following sandi's rules. I guess i just bring the boundaries forward out of the blue and if she doesnt adjust accordingly i will move forward accordingly. I guess i feel like it would be better to say i know your still emotonally invested with this OM and that you talk him and carry on in appropriate relationship and then put out the boundary saying i cant live in an open M and yada yada yada. Maybe i just need to get reading thay book.

Last edited by StrongJ; 11/19/15 08:17 PM.

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Originally Posted By: StrongJ
setting boundaries with out telling her i know the affair has continued.

I guess i just bring the boundaries forward out of the blue and if she doesnt adjust accordingly i will move forward accordingly.


How is it "out of the blue"?

Here's what I picture:
- StrongJ's wife texts OM
- StrongJ sees StrongJ's W texting OM
- StrongJ sets boundary on texting OM
- StrongJ walks away

Its not like she comes home today, and you spring this on her. You wait until she does something. Like the other night:
- StrongJ's wife stays out until 1130
- StrongJ goes to bed
- StrongJ discusses with StrongJ's W the next day: "If you plan to stay out like that again, I will do X/Y/Z."

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Originally Posted By: Azzork
Originally Posted By: StrongJ
setting boundaries with out telling her i know the affair has continued.

I guess i just bring the boundaries forward out of the blue and if she doesnt adjust accordingly i will move forward accordingly.


How is it "out of the blue"?

Here's what I picture:
- StrongJ's wife texts OM
- StrongJ sees StrongJ's W texting OM
- StrongJ sets boundary on texting OM
- StrongJ walks away

Its not like she comes home today, and you spring this on her. You wait until she does something. Like the other night:
- StrongJ's wife stays out until 1130
- StrongJ goes to bed
- StrongJ discusses with StrongJ's W the next day: "If you plan to stay out like that again, I will do X/Y/Z."


Was more like 12:30 the other night but its all good :p

Shes pretty careful about texting him only when im not around. But i know shes texting him alot when im not around. I guess im thinking more along the lines of setting a boundary like Sandi said around myself not able to live im an open M or all inapropriate relationships and all.


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Originally Posted By: StrongJ
I guess im thinking more along the lines of setting a boundary like Sandi said around myself not able to live im an open M or all inapropriate relationships and all.


Right, but it has to be based on something. I wouldnt just randomly come up to her and say this. So when you see her doing it. Or when you find something blatant that she has done.

Again, just my opinion.

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I printed out a copy of the phone records showing the OM number all over. Showed it to my W and set my NC boundary. I didn't wait to just stumble on her texting him. That means you actually have to look who she is texting now that is pretty hard to do. And you don't know if it's just a one off text or and ongoing thing. What's the worst that could happen with the phone records? She gets mad you're checking up on her. That doesn't even reach the "I don't care" level for me.

Last edited by mvgfwd2; 11/20/15 12:39 AM.

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Originally Posted By: mvgfwd2
I printed out a copy of the phone records showing the OM number all over. Showed it to my W and set my NC boundary. I didn't wait to just stumble on her texting him. That means you actually have to look who she is texting now that is pretty hard to do. And you don't know if it's just a one off text or and ongoing thing. What's the worst that could happen with the phone records? She gets mad you're checking up on her. That doesn't even reach the "I don't care" level for me.


I know for certain its on going thing she sent 900 text messages to OM this past week.


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Yes, I was merely suggesting that the idea of stumbling on your W did not seem like a good strategy for laying down the NC boundary.


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I think your NC boundary should include something about full access to phone, email, etc. If she doesn't accept the terms then you have to take action on your boundary.


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I already have full access now i know all passwords and such but she covers her tracks fairly well. Id have to get some sort of spy app installed on her phone that tracks everything she does.


M30 - W29 - S1.5
EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015
Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015
W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015
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Another evening in with s1 another night getting stood up for a chance to go to the gym. W went to some dinner event for her work. Startes at 5:30 its past 10:00 now seems like an awfully long dinner eh? Well t minus 60 minutes and im hoping into bed. Maybe should switch door handles with the bathroom so i can lock her out of the bedroom.


M30 - W29 - S1.5
EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015
Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015
W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015
W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
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