Hi Sunny. Agree with above and if you wondering about life with H still maybe the time is not right or the guy is not right Only you know how you feel so be honest with yourself
I don't know if I've mentioned before that I've been watching other people's marriages really closely to see if I can figure out what element was missing from mine. I think what I've come up with is this: marriage is just ordinary shared with one friend who is more permanent than the rest of them. Your obligations to that one friend (spouse) are greater than those to your regular friends, and theirs to you, but at the end of the day it is a relationship, the same as any other. If you want to be a person who enjoys long, high-quality relationships, then you make more efforts for those people who matter to you. You don't devalue them. You treat them like they matter and you sometimes put yourself second for them -- but you also lean on them at the times when you need to put yourself first. Good friendships are mutual, before anything else.
I have several friends who look to me like they are in marriages that are essentially mutual. This isn't to say that they don't have frustrations with one another, or that every day is happily ever after. But there are similarities among the best ones: even the ones that look most uncomfortable to me involve two people who very clearly love each other very much, and who are committed to the relationship even when their ability to function well together isn't very high.
We cheated-on folks haven't demanded a lot from our partners so I think that when we raise our expectations it can feel uncomfortable. I think it's natural to compare your experiences to make sure you don't make the same mistakes over again. I haven't been out on a date yet, but my intention is to live through each experience for what it is. I have found out who my friends are by living my life a bite at a time, I think that the quality of any romantic relationship will be revealed in the same way.
As far as the question of whether what you had with your STBX would have been enough in your old age... For myself, YES, I would have settled for that. I FOUGHT to get that back. But I value myself more NOW. If the duck hadn't wandered along? Well, in my case, he admitted that he'd been behaving in ways that invited ducks (that's not how he described it, but that was certainly the effect of his choices), and ducks don't just wander across their paths and hijack content people. He made himself open to it and let it be known that he was open to it. The crash was impending for years, I just didn't see it coming.
I'm not going to say anything about the fellow you're seeing now except CONGRATULATIONS on having the courage to move forward in that way. You're a smart lady. You'll figure it out.
How is the job going???
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sunny - Since I am no where near ready for that I just wanted to offer my support and good cheer. I hope it works out or you at least get what you need from here and now.
(((hugs))) Good luck tomorrow!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Hi Sunny. Agree with above and if you wondering about life with H still maybe the time is not right or the guy is not right Only you know how you feel so be honest with yourself
RD, I can say with 100% certainly that STBX does not enter the picture of my dating life. I haven't fired one brain cell thinking about him in that way. He broke that toy, burned it, scattered the ashes and smashed the urn.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
We cheated-on folks haven't demanded a lot from our partners so I think that when we raise our expectations it can feel uncomfortable. I think it's natural to compare your experiences to make sure you don't make the same mistakes over again. I haven't been out on a date yet, but my intention is to live through each experience for what it is. I have found out who my friends are by living my life a bite at a time, I think that the quality of any romantic relationship will be revealed in the same way.
How is the job going???
Words of wisdom, Maybell. I know I demanded less and less as the years went by, and put up with a crap-ton in the last five. I thought at the time it was going to make us last, but hindsight is 20-20 isn't it? I had a conversation with an old friend yesterday and we talked about things we had each settled for in our marriages. It's tough because here I am with a clean slate, able to choose a future mate and realizing no one is perfect and what are my deal breakers. If the list is short, will I be miserable and if it's too long will I end up alone? Hard to say. I like the take it day by day theme, I will, and so I didn't dump Mr. First Kiss. I still don't see him as a long term prospect, but I am enjoying myself and who knows, maybe he'll figure that out on his own anyway.
The job is good, it's a little tricky in that the person I'm replacing is still there. He's the keeper of the institutional knowledge so it's great he's still around, I just have to take it slowly and be respectful.
Originally Posted By: ep0215
Good luck tomorrow!
Thanks, Ep, this is where we get down to the financial brass tacks. I have no idea where STBX will fall on this, and I've been annoyed to tears more than once in the past week dealing with my L and the forensic accountant. I appreciate the warm thoughts!
I'm certainly no role model in post-D dating, but the one thing I *do* know is to just live in the moment. No analyzing. Just be present with this guy, and if you find yourself thinking that you don't enjoy his company, then do something about it. Not every date has to be long term or marriage material.
There's value in just learning how to enjoy someone's company. Take things at face value and make that your goal. If it's not enjoyable? Then the solution is obvious.
Hugs- Betsey
Betsey, I'm going to take to heart your "be present" advice. I do have a good time with him. I find him less than ideal in a way that's fairly important to me, but I just need to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Time will tell. For now, I'll enjoy.
Hi Sunny, I agree about trying not to analyse too much. I hope that I'll be able to date in a much more mature and honest way next time - and I think much of that is about being able to express your own needs and respect those of others in dating situations. I'm not there yet and I'm not thinking about dating. My dilemma would be more around whether to accept something if asked.
What did you mean when you said settled for your ex? Do you mean at the point of marriage or what you tolerated in the marriage after that? I always felt with my H that he was the one and never for a moment that I settled. But I also think my starry eyedness about the marriage also wasn't that realistic and my eyes have very much been opened. A big thing I have learned is around the relationship journey - romance - disillusionment - misery- contentment. So I guess somewhere along that journey, we feel we settle for things that aren't ideal.
Sorry, I'm rambling now...I agree with the advice - go out again with this chap if you enjoy yourself. You may be dating someone who isn't a future life partner....but does that matter if you are having a nice time? You get to decide how far (or not) you want this to go.
Take care Sunny xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What did you mean when you said settled for your ex? Do you mean at the point of marriage or what you tolerated in the marriage after that?
Toots, I meant at the point of marriage. I'm not sure I can explain without throwing STBX under the bus, but I"ll give it a shot.
Let's say you have several things you are looking for in a mate and you rank them 1 to 10.
Guy 1 ranks between 1 and 5 on all of them. He's not the one for you.
Guy 2 ranks 9 and 10 on lots of them, but 2 on a couple of things that are dealbreakers. He's not the one, either.
Guy 3 comes in with solid 6s and 7s. You decide that you are willing to trade in great (9s and 10s) for good (6s and 7s) in order to eliminate the 2s. You know that you are never, ever going to get to a 10 on anything, and you willingly make that trade off to get consistently good. You "settle". You are willing to do that because no one is perfect, and consistently good seems like a good sustainable life.
STBX was Guy 3. I traded in great for good. I gave up some things I had experienced in other relationships, which did not last, thinking that this one would, and I could live with it. I thought it was a legitimate thing to do. The question becomes, then, did the settling cause the cracks in the relationship? Did I unknowingly express dissatisfaction in not ever getting to 9 or 10, when I knew it was possible? I don't know. And what do I do next time around? Am I willing to forgo those 10s? They're pretty fun, after all.
Nothing you did caused him to cheat. However unfabulous he was for you, you didn't cheat. He could have invested in the relationship in ways that highlighted items you never even ranked, and the relationship could have been some thing amazing. But instead he found himself a duck.
Life is change. You aren't the woman he married -- you're 25 years more woman now than you were when you chose your life partner. Three kids more woman now than then. You chose to invest. He chose to stray. You know you don't own his choices, right?
Whether or not you want to "settle" going forward is a different question. For myself, I am not looking for a life partner. If the person I'm with makes my life richer as my friends do, then I'll keep him around. If not, I won't be exclusive with him.
You don't have to evaluate these things yet. You'll be ok.
Hugs, Sunny, my dear.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Nothing you did caused him to cheat. However unfabulous he was for you, you didn't cheat. He could have invested in the relationship in ways that highlighted items you never even ranked, and the relationship could have been some thing amazing. But instead he found himself a duck.
You chose to invest. He chose to stray. You know you don't own his choices, right?
Maybell, you are so dead on. I made my choices and was willing to stick by them, I was sincerely grateful for what I had. He found himself a duck.
This weekend was great. I had a date Friday night, met a different guy for coffee on Saturday. Went out with a girlfriend on Saturday night. Some kids stuff and some errands today, looking forward to a short work week and the holiday.
Nice post sunny. There is no right and wrong, it's up to each individual what they want, as long as everyone is on the same page.
Everyone likes 10s. For me, I think the one attribute ranked 1-10 that is paramount is the ability to remain committed through thick and thin, and through the variance that occurs in these numbers over the years.
I can learn to accept some lower numbers and accept that it is up to me to find my own happiness, and that I'm here to serve something bigger and not just chase pleasure, and all of that. And I can do that because I believe two things: 1) there is deeper pleasure that comes from being a part of a successful marriage than we normally think of, parts that we take for granted and overlook, that we don't even consciously know, but that fulfill us in ways we couldn't think to ask for or put on a checklist, and 2) just when you think that you're settling and let go of expectations the marriage will turn a different season and your partner will grow or things will change and you'll experience some joys (not all but some) that you thought would never happen. All because you let go of expectation and self gratification, and instead focused on serving and being appreciative for what you have. That all said- NONE of that can happen if either partner destroys the partnership for any reason. So my #1 attribute that I will not settle on is this commitment.
Of course it's not black and white (#*&!^# it!), and I have learned that the other numbers must maintain over a certain level or even people that say they're committed walk away. But this is my view on it. Just for me.
The bad news is I'm fairly jaded and still can't picture anyone that really sees things that way, they say they do until they experience a 4 and then it's curtains, relationships in our world are so selfserving and disposable. I can't even imagine talking to a woman because all I see is the negatives. The good news is that that's right where I am supposed to be right now, it's my way of knowing I need to focus on my family and myself for a while. I trust in a couple of years I will feel differently, and then I can start to open myself up to the rest of the world, and see if there is someone else that is a 10 where it really matters.
Take care sunny!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
