Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
JulieH #2626248 11/24/15 02:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
JulieH Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
I have no proof of infidelity. We are no fault state. He says I pushed him out.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
JulieH #2626251 11/24/15 03:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
JulieH Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Jpeg

I have said those words before. He knows where I stand. If I said it again, he would just reject again. He said "I can't work on reconciliation" (vs I wont??? Don't know the real difference but to him there is) I will look weak, and trust me I already do.

Also I feel like when it comes to me he just wants opposite of what I want. The more I want something, the more he is resistant to it.

He only cares about the finances. He doesn't care about me or our relationship. Kids have always been secondary to his own needs.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Jpeg #2626301 11/24/15 04:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Originally Posted By: Jpeg
Julie, keep trying. Like you said to me the other day. It seems so straight forward reading someone else's sitch. After reading what you just posted it seems like If you had said those words to H it would not be too late, hope would not be lost. I know it goes against the DB rules but sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to just say it! Say the truth the simple truth of what you are feeling and what you want/hope for


Jpeg and Julie, this is what I did this weekend. And my H has been making so many signs of progress, AND he is still here and still going to MC. I told him I want nothing more than reconciliation. It went VERY VERY badly. I would not recommend this. If he was still the pre-BD H then yes, but trust me, don't do it. Every time I stray from DB it seems in the moment to make perfect sense but then it backfires and I regret it.


Julie, good for you for filing for child support. I also think a mediator is not a bad idea, just find one that you like.



JulieH #2626383 11/24/15 09:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
You can always start with mediation (let him pay the fees) and then resort to L if it doesn't work out?

If you truly don't think it's best for the children to spend half their time with him, then document how much (little) time he has spent with them now, what you have done to facilitate them seeing him, and the manner in which he left them behind with you. This could help you show in court (if you end there) that his wish for 50/50 is based on financial considerations and not a genuine desire to maximize time with his children.

Also, if you are in a state that allows it, you could record his statements about threatening to go for 50/50 unless you do what he says. Also make sure you tell your L about it. This kind of documentation can be crucial later, because he is really digging his own grave here.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2626422 11/25/15 12:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
I've been lurking on this and don't have much valuable to add except to agree with everyone who supports your filing necessary papers for child support and such. If H never comes back you will have to be the primary decision maker anyway and I think that only helps to strengthen you. We have a tendency to want to hedge our decisions against the effect we fear or hope it will have on the WAS. But that's just co-dependency and manipulation or attempt to control in my book.

I think you did the right thing. Do what's right and best for you and the kids. The H can change his mind any time he wants to. But you have to protect yours and the kids' present and future.

tl2 #2626432 11/25/15 02:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
JulieH Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Tl2

Thanks for posting. I am happy I filed that paperwork. I feel stronger and safer because hopefully it will establish that I am primary custodian.

That is a really interesting point. I didn't realize what I was doing before was codependent. But your right, I was enabling bad behavior because I didn't want to lose him...his mother does this all the time and I suspect she did this with her husband. He only exploits that. He acknowledged taking advantage of his mother and her need to do everything for everyone because she wants control. He was taking advantage of me as well. I wonder if I did that a lot during relationship?

Also, I don't want someone that doesn't want me. What kind of life is that?
Exhausting. I will never be comfortable.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
JulieH #2626433 11/25/15 02:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
JulieH Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Painter, great pointers. I wish I was documenting better. But thankfully we have some texts that show this. Husband never really spent much time with kids. If I was sick, he took them to his mothers. Even now when he gets them his mom is the one up early with them, making them breakfast, and giving them baths. It took them a week to even notice he was gone.

by taking them every other weekend, he sees them more then he did before. This was one of our big fights. I resented and often complained that he wasn't around much for kids. His thought was he was out providing and resented my complaining (In my opinion he would go to gym after work or sleep late - go to work late-come home late and by time he came home kids were asleep). I guess we are both right a little.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
JulieH #2626435 11/25/15 03:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
Well I only recognized that because I did the same thing with my W. When I stopped, and drew a line, and stuck to it, she left. Go figure, eh smile

JulieH #2626505 11/25/15 12:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 372
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 372
Julie- my kids are older but all live at home - took my older boys over a month to notice H wasn't around and even at that they didn't really notice it was because he finally told them he was "needing space" so he would be living at cottage


M: 27
03/15 - BD ILYBINILWY
09/15 -OW confirmed
Jpeg #2626528 11/25/15 02:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
JulieH Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Tl2, I'm gonna try to catch up with your sitch

JPEG I don't understand that type of neglect and selfishness when it comes to children. Isn't it instinctual that bond? My husband has said "you did nothing for me". I said I raised your sons. He said "that's not for me". It's his flesh and blood. How is it not for him? If he had helped with them I would have been able to do more for him. So simple. it's because they have no clue what it is like when they are little. As I have said, I also work and went back part time when kids were infants and my job is not sedentary... Going to work was a vacation. He now brings this up constantly. That he was out providing and I did little for him as someone that was not main provider. That the floors were never cleaned.
This period of time we both built up so much resentment. He does not understand where I am coming from and I don't understand him.

I know that regarding my husband, he observed some pretty dysfunctional roles. And was lied to by his mom to protect his dad so he thinks his dad's behaviors are norm and that my expectations are over the top. He also doesn't understand why his mom had to do it all and expects it of me. I feel bad for my mil, but I am also resenting her because she enabled everyone in her life and now I have to deal with the fall out.
In my family, my mother was a strong matriarch (and I'm not denying the dysfunction with her) and always got her way, so i am starting to recognize we were doomed to fail. I don't know if my expectations were over the top...but I remember really having great anger torwards him on the days when I was up before 6 with kids (plus nursing at night). Then going to work in afternoon and not coming home till 9. He would sleep in until 12 (sometimes later) and then come home from work at 7 and work a little and watch movies/ play video games at night. It was a struggle to get him to wake up and chip in. And I am still angry at it.

Plus I am frusturated that he is angry at me for it as well. He is not remembering that because his job changed and became more stressful past 2 years and kids got older and became easier for me. So now he resents me and resents that I work part time and feels like I don't contribute. I am really frusturated.

Last edited by JulieH; 11/25/15 02:22 PM.

Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard