Last few happenings: H texts on different days over last week that he missing me, thinks of me all the time and will always love me I go to lawyer and sign papers to value our assets and ensure H will pay his share of expenses and child support
He sacked you as his W, he lives with a scuzzy OW. He is assuaging his guilt at your expense, and paying for OW. Pure manipulation to get what he wants. At its best sentimental poo.
The correct response in my book, is "really? We both know the truth when you live with OW"
Next time " then junk OW and we can consider the position"
If he knows OW will move on if he has no cash or its spent, he needs to have you as Plan B. He hasn't felt the loss of you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/18/1503:20 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Cadet for carrying over my previous thread - I still don't know how to do that:)
Son 22 is going to meet with H tonight. If I am totally honest part of me feels a little betrayed, but I know eventually all the kids will forgive their Dad I just hope H asks for forgiveness and doesn't just expect it. He hasn't seen any of the kids in over 2 months. And if I were to add up the days he has seen them in 14 months it would probably add up to just over 1 week. I'm not kidding he didn't just leave me behind he left his kids too.
Sotto you are right that is exactly what H is doing. Keeping me on the back burner. OW was nagging him and I was nice. Tonight while H was waiting for son to arrive he sent me another text. Picture of myself in summer and he wrote "nice" underneath. When my son got back he told me about their conversation he actually told our son that we never should have been together. We are just two different people. We were together for 33 years and he is completely rewriting our history. He is still denying OW. He told our son they are not "boyfriend and girlfriend". The fact that a 52 yr old would use those terms is one thing but.... They are living together and he is still denying there is a relationship. He told son he is just staying on friends couches.
Please detatch, you have moved denial in Kubler Ross phases off grief to knowing and it is absolutely the point at which you will question yourself and your yesterday. Yesterday is past, only today will count. Yesterday isn't changed, only a view of it. It is memory, hold it, you have wonderful times, for your own sake and your children's hold on to it.
Tomorrow the sunrises and you have a new day, this day is wonderful, it is new breath and is your life. You stand for you and your principles. It's going to be ok, you protected yourself.
Know this, it is what it is a new day.
Breathe...........
You are true to you, to your principles and you stand for those and yourself.
Hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/20/1512:59 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla - that was very beautiful. I am touched by your words. And..... I am crying again. Why? Because a stranger out there someone cares more than the man who I have loved so deeply for 33 years
Vanilla - that was very beautiful. I am touched by your words. And..... I am crying again. Why? Because a stranger out there someone cares more than the man who I have loved so deeply for 33 years
Just differently.
Tears are beautiful don't deny them to yourself, they make rainbows and take poisons from your thoughts. Think with every tear your pain leaves your mind.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/20/1501:32 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Little birdie told me you might like some pragmatic advice so I read over your situation and these are my thoughts.
1. Your idiot WH is obviously backing up his iPhone automatically to the same iCloud account as you giving you access to everything he's doing and saying online and on his iPhone. This is GREAT if you were trying to figure out if he was actually having an affair but you already know that. I hate to ask you to give up the source of information since you are in a divorce case with him (and you may be getting information that may help you and your attorney in the divorce case) but at the same time this is SOOOOO unhealthy for you to be monitoring 24/7. There's a delicate balance between obsession and pertinent information in this situation and you already know enough pertinent information that you need to log out or log off and stop looking. Easier said then done and if you have easy access to just log back in you might want to ask someone else to delete the app from your phone so you can't. If you want the information for advantage in the legal process see if you can log your sister or other trusted friend that can monitor for such pertinent legal strategy information yet NOT share with you and coming and going of the OW and your WH. You need to detach from this.
2. Your kids asked you how you can forgive and you told them you love their Dad unconditionally. I'm sure you thought that might be a good way to model Christian forgiveness; however, I don't see it that way. Jesus may love us all in a general sense but His full love is reserved for those that are in a relationship with him. Hence the "depart from me, I never knew you". I'm paraphrasing a bit but the truth of your situation, I believe, is that you don't love your husband unconditional. Loving unconditionally is beyond the capabilities of us humans. You might hope to restore your relationship and rebuild a committed marriage of extra-ordinary care after a lot of hard work...but "loving him unconditionally today" just isn't healthy based upon the way he is treating you today AND it's an unhealthy thing to model to your children. Someday, when they find themselves in an emotionally (or physically) abusive relationship and you are fighting to extract them from such situation, you will inevitably hear those words given right back to you ---- "but I love him/her unconditionally". You need to model a much more appropriate response to abuse (adultery is abuse). My next suggestion(s) is how you go about doing that.
3. Conveniently, the best chance you have to save your marriage while also saving your sanity AND modeling appropriate behavior to your children when being abused can be found in MWD's Last Resort Technique. Detach and GAL. MWD - Last Resort Technique
3.a. - detach - I'd take it even a step further than MWD and suggest you send him one last letter indicating that you are done being abused and lied to and have decided, despite hoping to reconcile, that you need to move on with your life. That until he is done with the OW, you no longer wish to see or speak to him at all. Any communications he wishes (or needs to) have with you should go through an intermediary (like your sister or good friend who should filter out all irrelevant personal information and just pass along logistical information only - this person is supposed to be protecting you from contact with your WH while he remains wayward). If he wants to communicate about the kids - he should communicate directly with them. You are not to be his go between. The letter can indicate that when he ends his adulterous relationship with the OW that may remain willing to discuss reconciliation....that he is the father of your children and WAS the love of life so, God willing, anything is possible but re-emphasize that until then he is to leave you alone.
You have to stick to this. Go dark. Make the OW provide ALL his needs. A selfish entitled WH loves having attention and you denying him reassurances and kindness will drive him insane. He will feign happiness but affair relationships (and even moreso affair marriages) are disastrous places to reside. By distancing yourself you are avoiding letting him pull you down with him. I KNOW the last year plus has been incredibly brutal for you emotionally. It's unhealthy for you to remain in any relationship whatsoever with him. You aren't making it harder for him. You are actually making the transition easier for him while emotionally traumatizing yourself with the hope and dream that with every contact you have with him you are going to be able to say or do just the right thing to get him to wake up and realize the mistake he's making. You've got to get out of God's way and let Him do your bidding while you self protect and model to your children that YOU MATTER TOO. That putting up with abuse is not their duty or obligation in life. Unconditional love in the face of abuse is dangerous.
3.b.- GAL - GAL'ing is important not just to help distract you from wanting to call, text, email, snoop, think about, dwell on your WH and your situation (which is a huge service in itself) but it also helps you potentially recover your marriage. Even from a distance (or by asking your children or him snooping YOUR Facebook account) your husband will see a happier more dynamic you blooming out of this very difficult soul searing situation and HE will start missing you. He won't be able to contact you because you've cut off all access (you blocked your cell phone and emails so he has to use the intermediary to communicate). He starts to love bust his immature girlfriend. She notices he's sad and depressed all the time and maybe she ends up dumping your husband or he gets sick of her neediness and sees the new Jpeg as someone he should think seriously about trying to get back. But he can no longer come to you with crocodile tears and get reassurance. The only way back is to end it with his paramour. She knows this too....because he was an idiot and showed her the letter you gave him months prior. She gets insecure because she sees where this might be heading (all OW are cluster bombs of insecurity because deep down they know they are just a side piece of action never worthy of a true honest commitment - their biggest fear is their MM going back to his [horrible and abusive] wife). This is another reason you get out of the way and let OW/WH have each other. They are both relationship destroyers....let them do what comes naturally.
4. Maybe your husband doesn't wake up. In 6 months to 1 year of GAL'ing, you won't care. You'll be living a much happier life and processing this whole thing. That's the beautiful part of the LRT. If he doesn't dump her....you don't engage with him at all. His choice and, most importantly, YOUR BOUNDARY is clear --- a relationship with her means no relationship with you. You get the safety and space to pick up your life and START the process of making a great individual life for yourself without your soon to be ex-husband or thoughts of him interfering. He may wake up and you can preserve a little bit of that "unconditional love" you have for him tucked away behind that boundary. In fact, that's the whole premise of the LRT....you preserve the remaining love you have for your wayward spouse for the day they end their affair and, very often, turn towards home again hoping to reconcile. The more you stay in contact with your husband the more you enable him and the faster you drain that "unconditional love" out onto the floor - wasting it. Soon...perhaps too soon, you'll hate him and never want to reconcile even if he ends the affair. By detaching and GAL'ing - you guard your remaining love for him hoping he wakes up in time.
5. That really is your best percentage shot to save your marriage. I know you think it's helping by talking to him and sharing emotional moments with him but an entitled wayward spouse doesn't care about anything but him/her self and their immediate needs. Wayward husband has left you....let wayward husband go with the hope that he sheds the entitled waywardness, humbles himself, repents and reaches out to you (through your intermediary - don't fall for false reconciliation efforts - he has to end it with OW FIRST not be thinking about ending it. Your boundary is NON-negotiable)
6. Your kids can have a relationship with their father or not but they are not to speak to you about him anymore. He is in charge of maintaining whatever relationship he wants or doesn't want to have with any one of them. You educate your children about your plan being both a plan to reconcile should their father end it with OW and a plan for you to process this episode of your life and pick up the pieces and move on one way or another. Ask them to respect your choice not to share information about your WH with you - even good news like "OMG, I saw them fighting the other day and she was packing a suitcase" because until he actually ends it and contacts you through your intermediary about reconciliation the turbulent situation going on in his house/apartment is none of your business and will only set you back in your personal recovery. His name is not to be mentioned around you at all.
7. Let your attorney handle the divorce. You keep your distance and tell you attorney your plan.
8. Any children activities involving the kids that your WH might show up to you need to either not go or hide yourself out of view. He is to not even get the privilege of laying eyes on you. It feeds his ego to see you staring at him with longing eyes. It reassures him he still has his back up plan and family should he want it. It assures him also that you haven't moved on and are still entrapped in his wayward snare and that you care enough to be in his glorious presence. Finally, it assures him you are OK (which you are not)....he likes the idea/fantasy that in the end, everyone is going to be fine with this and maybe even all go camping together someday. He thinks, "after all - OW is really a nice person and you two would probably get along". He needs to be firmly disabused of this notion.
Good luck to you and your family. Your recovery odds are better if you take my advice. You already have one advantage and that's 5 children together. The more kids the more likely couples reconcile once the affair is over. Hard numbers on that are impossible to acquire on that so consider it just my learned opinion. But your war to save your marriage begins and ends with getting him to dump his OW.
Maple Leafs ~ 2016 Stanley Cup Champions ---- what?, it could happen.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Just dropped S off at work just as Santa was landing in the parking lot. Our city has a tradition of Santa flying in on a helicopter and landing in mall parking lot. This begins his time visiting the mall for "sitting" for Christmas pics. Anyway, it made me cry, thinking of all those loving family times when the kids were small ~ when H cared:(
