Striving to keep the peace within

[mleigh4]

Time for a new thread. I am not even sure what number this is, I just know the number is high! The name of my thread says it all. As each day ends and I close my eyes, I think about my day, how it effected me, and what I feel inside. Sometimes unsettled, but mostly at peace. The last few weeks have been difficult for me, I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I am feeling more grounded and rebalanced and at the end of the day, my goal is to feel that peace within.

Tonight I took S to H. S was upset and has been complaining about going to dad's. I suggested he talk it out with his dad, S says he can't talk to dad. I told him to talk to him the way he talks to me, he shook his head. I couldn't help it, I told S that he does a great job of talking and communicating with me and to make sure he does that with his future wife! Lol. I added he should do the same with daddy.

So, dumb me, I let H know we were on our way and gave him a heads up that S has been having a hard time staying over there..I told him it's not him, it's just not home. I know, I know, what did I expect other than for H to feel that it was a guilt attack? I wasn't thinking, other than feeling frustrated that my child has to deal with this.

H replied that yes, it's a different place and thanked me for letting him know. Said he will talk to him...then it came. The 2nd TM saying S is too consumed with his games and H is only trying to get him to do things like a boy should like play outside and fix things . He believes that is the reason he doesn't like to go there, said he knows I would say his choices are his problem, and that he is accepting responsibility for that, but he is trying to expose him to things. Ended by saying that he is not telling me to change anything or worry about it, that he was just talking....

Well....wow! I don't get his talking very often so I was pleased with him opening up. So I let him know that I have the same issues at home with S, that S is a kid being a kid and that I deal by picking my battles.

Did I say something wrong???

He came back with he doesn't have the time with S that I do. Said he knows it's not my problem but he just can't let S play his games all the time and that he has to continue doing what he thinks is right even though he believes that contributes to him not wanting to be there.

Sigh, he obviously took this as a personal attack, no? And I see him putting blame blame blame like I let S do whatever he wants and H has rules so it's all my fault. Yes, S and I sit on the couch playing games all night and day, that is why he gets perfect grades, that I do every school project with him, why I am the only one who bathes the kid...yes, nothing but a picnic here at home.

Please give me any perspective here...although I know better to stay out of H and S relationship. It's just hard to see my kid unhappy whenever he has to go there.

So anyway, I was going to leave it at that and not reply. But I was bothered by this image he portrays of me. It is not who I am nor how I feel so I chose to speak up. I replied....

Please stop thinking and speaking for me in your head, I don't feel any of us deserve anything painful or difficult. All 3 of us are amazing people who deserve happiness. I am doing my best at home, I really was just letting you know what has gone on recently. Enjoy your night with him.

That brought me peace. I felt I stood up for myself without attacking. He can think what he wants, I know who I am and what I do.

Well, that apparently did the trick, he has sent several texts joking around... I was replying joking back but stopped. Time to do some yoga. I just can't figure this man out!

[job]

You did nothing wrong. You explained the situation to him and you both have different ways of interacting w/your son. At least you both have stated what was on your mind w/respect to your son.

Also, by responding back and addressing his response back to you was very good. At least he can see that you aren't attacking him or making him out to be the bad guy.

Continue to keep the communication lines open. You are doing great.

[job]

Previous thread:

Still riding the waves

[HaWho]

That communication exchange between you two sounds very healthy. It is best you clarified. So much is lost in translation via text as you cannot hear tone. (Unless we are talking about my H13 who has mastered the fine art of the teenage text rant! Lol.)

I think it is great that you two ended up joking, too! Keep it up!

[mleigh4]

Went on field trip with S yesterday to visit a local park where the Ohlone Indians lived. It was fun!

Later met up at school with H for teacher parent conference. Straight A's, we are very proud of S!

Later that night, I TM H that I had S set up for day camp next week but to let me know if he had any time off so I could fix the schedule and adjust the payment. He was a little confused and asked if I had anything I could give him with S days off of school. I told him I had given him the school calendar....He said he was confused because I had not written that info on the monthly calendar pages I print out for his fridge, to keep us coordinated. Lol, I couldn't believe he admitted that! So I joked back that if he needed help transferring the info from the school calendar to his fridge calendar, to let me know. He joked back.

Got TM from him today: Hello. I'm trying to get an early start on figuring Thanksgiving out. Let me know if you have already set plans or when we can talk about it thanks, hope you are having a good day so far.

Not really clear what he means? Does he mean who is taking S what day? Does he mean how are we doing this? So after thinking, I decided to be 100% open and honest in hopes of getting the same from him, possibly getting into his head, whichever way it goes:

Hello. I don't have any set plans yet other than stuffing myself! I am really not sure what to do about the holidays. I'm pretty confused about it all. Let me know your thoughts, we can talk anytime. Have a good day too.

[job]

I think your runaway h is hoping that you'll invite him to dinner. I don't think he's asking about where your son will be, i.e., w/you or him...it's all about coming over and playing the Disney Dad for the holiday. I hope that I'm wrong about this...but it sounds like he's hinting for an invite.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. Lol, if he is expecting that, it's not happening. I have not heard back from him yet....He is the master of silence so not surprised

I am not really expecting any change in my plans to celebrate separate...it would take some grand change or statement from him to change my feelings about that....I am hoping to get an idea on where he is at...you know how badly being kept in the dark is driving me crazy!

If he simply comes back with who will have S on which day, I suppose I need to hear that from him. Otherwise I somewhat worry that if I am the one to decide this without hearing him out first, I may worry "what if" Does that make sense? Something is on his mind for him to ask me about it, I want to hear it.

If he comes back with we should all be together, this will possibly initiate an R talk...I know I know, I won't push it, could be really dangerous or could give me the chance to hear some things I need to hear, good and/or bad.

I had decided to let him approach me about this since I had already thrown some feelers out there, I just wasn't expecting it so soon. I am glad he brought it up. The ball is in his court, a definite 180 for me as I normally call the shots.

All I know is that I am making a Thanksgiving meal for S and I. I got all the fixings tonight! And I also know that no matter how this goes, I am going to enjoy the 4 day weekend

[Sotto]

Straight A's! Well done to him! As for Thanksgiving, I agree with Job. I think the message from your H was testing the waters to see...did she really mean what she was saying about doing separate stuff during the holidays?

If you don't want to do stuff together, maybe reply on the basis of I'd like to do X and Y with S....when are you hoping to have him with you?

I recognise the whole calling the shots thing. I used to do a lot of that. For Xmas, I would do a calendar of the holidays and make sure we had a good spread of things planned. I realise now that I took too much responsibility for others on and whilst it was partly good and we did some great stuff, it could also be stressful for me and maybe a bit stifling for others? BTW, I managed to miss the Costco reveal....fabulous!! That is a moment I would like to have seen

Take care xx

[mleigh4]

Thanks Sotto. I also tend to make the plans, make the decisions, and have sometimes wondered why I don't let others have some say. It is one of the things I am trying to change about myself, which is a big reason I was wanting to see what H has to say first.

However, I feel a bit annoyed with myself. I set this boundary, was adamant about it. And with one text he [censored] me in to wondering if I am doing the right thing.

So I have been really thinking, and I do still feel adamant about him needing to live the single life he chose. Until that changes, until he comes to me with a change of tune, I need to stand firm. If we did Thanksgiving together without that, I believe I would be kicking myself...

I still have not heard from him but he had S last night so I prefer he give his attention to him. I plan on sending him a message today that I would like to split Thanksgiving, since I will have S in the morning, I would like him for first 1/2 of day for breakfast and he can have him for dinner. S and I can do our own Thanksgiving dinner on Friday, I am ok with that.

This is hard, really [censored]

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - I am reading along and just want to lend my support.

It is a hard situation. I can understand all the emotion and logic at play. I am thinking of you.