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kml Offline
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I'm sorry that your FIL reminds you so much of your pain.

Still - how has he lived his life since? Did he marry MIL? Does MIL feel it was rape? Has he continued to behave badly or has he led a good life except for that?

Just be careful not to let your experience bleed over onto your FIL - HE is not responsible for YOUR experience.

And realistically, you probably do not have the power to keep H from having FIL around the kids.

And I agree with what Lou said about the difficulty guys can have leaving the military. One of my good friends was in the Air Force for over 20 years as a pilot. He retired and went into the civilian workforce, ended up with a job flying for a major airline (same type of jets). You would think this would have been a fairly smooth transition, but even he told me he missed the structure of the military - he didn't like having to make choices!

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tfish08 Offline OP
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I am associating him with my issue. He said something skeevy and it triggered me. I am going to an IC to treat it which is why It hurt me that my husband brought him over to my house.. we had set a boundary of a year away from him so I can treat and get over the association. Luckily I am doing better and I was able to not give him the scene he wanted.

-I know he feels lost without the Marines
-I know he has troubles with things he saw in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
-This was his 10 yr reunion with his old unit
-I know he is reeling from all the suicides in his old unit
-He was medically separated after 10 yrs of service

which is why I can understand why he broke. It does not make it any less painful though. I am doing ok. I no longer feel the need to constantly text or keep in contact.

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kml Offline
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If you can see all the reasons why he broke, then try (it's hard) to adopt a Mother Theresa attitude about him. Stick to the high road, take care of business as needed so that you and your kids are ok, but try to cultivate a kind attitude towards him.

I struggle with this to this day, even though my ex and I split 7 years ago. he had multiple concussions which didn't change who he was, but definitely brought the bad parts more to the fore. Mostly now I feel sorry for him, but when he's being particularly selfish or evil towards our adult kids, I can really get irate about him. That happened this last week and it just so happened I was reading a book about vibrations, and it made me acutely aware how much damage it was doing to ME, letting my vibrations get upset by his pettiness. So I'm working again on cultivating a more Buddhist perspective and not letting him get to me, and even trying to cultivate some compassion for this lost guy.

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tfish08 Offline OP
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I am. I am trying really hard.. I am being as nice as I can be given the circumstances. He asked about Thanksgiving and is coming over with pies. I try to be as patient and understanding as I can be ...but man o man does he make it tough!

I know it is a lot of change for him to and it has spiraled him.

I am now in the habit of waking up and saying thank you for at least one thing...it gives me a positive note to start my day

Thank you for your input. It helps smile

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tfish

Its really hard to be understanding and empathetic when whats broken is not physically in front of you, its all internal, hidden away, so its difficult to comprehend whats happening to your h, I really do understand how challenging this is for you.

There is a fine line between being understanding and allowing him to walk all over you. Make sure you stand firm when its important to you, although learn to pick your battles as sometimes its really not worth the fight; we tend to push back because we are hurting and completely confused about the situation we have found ourselves in. Taking the higher ground will serve you well - look at it as laying groundwork for your future interactions.

My h has mentioned how my demeanor with him throughout this time enabled him to come to me when he realised he needed/wanted help. Detach from his crazy or he will drag you along for the ride, a one way ticket to insanity for yourself !!

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tfish08 Offline OP
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so...yesterday was S now 17(ahh) bday. H asked to come by and that he would bring dinner and I would get the cake. He came over everything is going good boys are happy. He stayed over on the couch with S7 and it is just awkward for me...sometimes it is like I am his bff and then like I have cuties...woosah o need to work on my patience and breathing...

side note my fil left yesterday...considering his son's situation you would think he would try and spend the holidays with him...but nope

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tfish08 Offline OP
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today is our anniversary and it hurts

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I'm sorry you are hurting today. I hope you can do something fun for yourself. Sending you hugs (((tfish))).


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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AJM Offline
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tfish, I suspect there are likely some support groups available for spouses of returning vets. Have you looked into them?

I know for me, it was a hard transition from the Corps to the normal life. I've been out a lot of years, and it's still tough some days. I doubt it was easy for you to transition either.

On the other hand, it's no excuse for the treatment you're getting. You'll need to first make yourself ok, and as was mentioned, sort the accusations from things you want to fix about yourself. Everything else is immaterial. It's important that you take that step. It'll give you balance and stability.

Look for that support group maybe through the VA? And work on you. It's the starting point that matters in this marathon.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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tfish08 Offline OP
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I will look into it. I go to my own IC and I am a part of quite a few online support groups. It seems like my husband has a sort of ptsd and with so many changes he broke. It makes me sad. He can go days without calling the boys. and then days were he is at my house for days.
It is just all weird." He says my mom mistreated me, the Corps mistreated me. and you did too. I just want to be happy and that is not with you"
Yesterday he called but I could not face it. I did not answer . He called today...sent it to vm. I texted an hour later and he said it was to "see how ya'll are doing"
I just texted back...the kiddos are great.
I have so much empathy for him. I know and can see how broken he is....but he has to fix himself

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