Another day gone and I feel O.K. I worry a little about the Holidays that are approaching. It has been years since I feel alone during them. I have family and friends but W is no where in my life now. It feels so strange. I will do my best to keep my spirits up. I will do my best to enjoy the time I have with good friends food and family. I will do my best to control my emotions and thoughts of being lonely. I will miss W tremendously but I will do my best.
I am feeling somewhat lost today. Went to sleep last night with the thoughts above. I woke this morning feeling as if this whole thing was just a bad dream and then realized it was not. I think I may have been dreaming of being together but I did not sleep well so I am not able to recall it clearly. Does any of this makes sense? I guess too much in my life is incapable of making sense right now. I try living minute by minute as I work through a lot of this and sometimes things and situations become convoluted. Days feel like weeks some times.
I was speaking with someone yesterday and I said it had been a couple of weeks since contact with W. This morning I realized it has not even been 1. Somehow the distance feels much much greater than it really is. I feel I am moving forward just as much as I am sliding back. One foot in front of the other, just keep going . . .
I have had the morning to think stuff over and I believe the anxiety I am feeling is due to the paperwork. I know paperwork means nothing emotionally but boy is it ever causing me some emotions. I made a stupid mistake while in a fog of my own. I am now paying for it.
I will keep my head above and will walk straight while this is going on. It will be difficult but there seems to be no other course to take now. Options shut out once this ball started rolling. Really options were shut once OM swept W off her feet. I submit. I can not compete. For now. Onwards and upwards? How . . .
Man has this been a lonely day. The fact that the end is just around the corner makes it much harder to continue than I expected. All of you who have pressed on for months and years are much much stronger than I could imagine. I know I completely went against all db has to stand for earlier. This is my story and I penned that chapter.
Years I spent waking up this particular morning with W. Years we spent cooking and drawing up plans for the day and dinner. Years I spent looking forward to a good time with family and sharing drinks laughter and love. Right now I miss it so much I am stuck and and unsure of what to do or where to go. Everything else seems beside the point and just a phone call or text would make this much better to handle. Alas she is enjoying this morning and this time with someone else. Many of you are going through this initial holiday season alone and many have been through it already. Knowing this helps to remember I am not alone in this. As alone as I might feel I am not alone.
I thank every one of you for the support and encouragement. The stories of R that give hope. The stories of life after D that give hope. The stories we all tell one another and express in words that we read and feel without ever knowing or seeing eachother live and in person. This is a support no other group could provide because we all are or have been in the thick of it. To share my loneliness here allows me to share a friendship here at the same time.
I wish you all a wonderful time today with or without those we miss. Together with all the learning and growing we are undergoing we are a part of something huge in each of our individual small worlds. Thank you.
I was wondering if you have set yourself some goals. I can read that you are thinking a lot about your W, I do the same about H but I have noticed that when I set myself a goal or when I do something else I don't think so much about him. It's hard. I'm 8 months into this roller coaster and there are still days where I'm low, but it's not as frequent. I'm slowly get out of the hole. You'll do it too but be patient and hopefully things will turn out how they are supposed to.
Rouky thanks for the response. You have been at this much longer than I. You are also much stronger than I have been in the past. It took only a month of waiting around before I decided to end the anguish without realizing it would only be the start of another round.
I have been thinking of my W a whole lot. Most likely more than I should. I chalk it up to it being the first holiday season without her. This time of year was always special to both of us and grocery and gift shopping feels like such a chore these days. Ups and downs are balancing out and becoming more level so I know there has been some progress. I wish many times we could just fast forward through it all and avoid the ride all together. I know it is all part of the growth we require in these times so I embrace them and vent some here and there.
Goals- some have been imposed such as finding a new home and new people to keep my mind off things and building additional income streams. My personal goals are in place which are to run and get a work out in every day I can. To discover places and things I have wanted to but didn't get around to. To discover myself emotionally and mentally. I know they sound broad and I can and maybe should list them in more detail so I will in a future post.
Rouky thank you for the encouragement. Your continued presence on my thread has been welcoming. You are correct I should be more specific. I struggle with shaking off the fog of D OM and all the other things in my daily life. The fog clouds my thoughts and dreams enough to keep me from finding a clear direction.
I took some time last night to read through my thread and caught on that it expresses my sadness much more than I thought it did. It is almost as if I log on only to describe remorse and hurt. I am not too proud of this but I am also able to reflect on the how and why this is happening.
I look forward to happy moments. Even more to happy days. I will use this awareness to set a new goal for myself- I must focus more on my blessings instead of heart ache. I have many blessings to count. My thread has reflected too long the feeling of loneliness when in fact there is family and friendship surrounding me. I have been given an experience and difficult lesson in life and I am cognizant of this so onward and upward from here is where I plan to go. There will come the occasional set back which I must use to learn from and take the next step forward . . .
Coping - verb (used without object), coped, coping.
1. to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success (usually followed by with)
2. to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner
I have a rubber band on my wrist today. I read it helps many on here. I drove out for lunch today and found myself snapping it over and over with every thought that entered my head.
I later passed by a lunch-truck that surprisingly had W's favorite food item pictured on the side. I do not believe I have seen that before. I am sure I snapped the band about 20 times as I turned the bend down the road.
What methods have others used that help? This one will leave me with some marks if I keep it up! ! !
