H has started an affair 3

[Anna25]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2624269#Post2624269

We are both mid-late 30's, with two toddlers, D3 and S2. We have been married for 12 years.
BD 8/15 for EA confession with his much younger coworker (now PA I'm positive)
We were in house S, but as of last night H moved out/I kicked him out. H said he doesn't have a place to stay, but staying with OW somehow. H watches the kids during the day on weekdays while I work, so he comes in every morning.

H said he doesn't feel like working on M, doesn't feel like he can make me happy.

[mvgfwd2]

Good job. Don't for get to GAL. Be a woman only a fool would leave.

[Anna25]

Thank you mvgfwd, I can only hope I will remain strong.

So we have set the money he is going to contribute.
H will watch the kids at our house during the weekdays while I work and one or two nights when I have class or go out.
H has to have a key since he will be watching the kids during the day, picking up D3 from school etc...so I'm ok with that for now.

But this morning H told me D3 has to miss school today because he can't go pick her up. I asked why. He said he is helping someone move. (might be OW or OW's roomie? I don't know) I asked him to just go pick D3 up and go back to whatever he is doing, and he said no.
D3 goes to preschool only part time, so not everyday and she is very looking forward to it. It just breaks my heart how H does not care. H used to adore D3 so much and I'm sure he still loves her, but his selfishness is winning lately.

SIL is very angry and she wants to talk to H. I don't think talking would do anything, but it's her brother.
I'll try to take one day at a time.

[ktfo]

I hope everything works out for you, I'm new here and man I see this stuff and it rips me up. I couldn't do it, I don't see how someone can just go out and do this stuff.

Stay strong! You will get through this! As I'm finding out there are lots of people wanting to help here. I'm taking one day at a time, trying to rebuild me.. I hope you are super successful on your journey!!!!!

[Anna25]

Thanks ktfo, for encouraging words.
I don't even know myself how I have been doing this, but I guess I just have to tackle what's in front of me, one at a time...

[Anna25]

My S1's b-day is next week.
I can't do much this time since I'm strapped for cash, but I'm thinking to take kids to the zoo or something and have a little nice dinner & cake at home. I got a little gift for him and my parents also sent some already.

I have not discussed anything with H. Do you think I should just let him know that I'm thinking about above, and tell him he is welcomed to come n join if he likes? If he comes or not, I will try to make it a great time for kids.
Kids will be excited if he joins of course, but I don't want him to be there with the attitude.

[mvgfwd2]

Only tell H if he asks if you have any weekend plans. Don't invite unless he asks to go.

[Anna25]

mvgfwd, will do that...

So H sent me a link for a daycare. H said he doesn't want to pay too much $$ for a babysitter(more expensive) when he has plans during the day, because he is with the kids all the time except for work. Ummm...so what about every night and all weekend I'm with the kids?!?!

Also he asked me, " what are you going to do if I don't get here on time in the morning?" I said, " Are we talking with the assumption of you being late time to time?" (Even though he said it will never happen again just last week?!?!)

I just had to vent.

[mvgfwd2]

Ha, he's suggesting you do what I suggested. Have another person lined up when he is selfishly late. Ha Ha

[twinmom]

mvgfwd, will do that...

So H sent me a link for a daycare. H said he doesn't want to pay too much $$ for a babysitter(more expensive) when he has plans during the day, because he is with the kids all the time except for work. Ummm...so what about every night and all weekend I'm with the kids?!?!

Also he asked me, " what are you going to do if I don't get here on time in the morning?" I said, " Are we talking with the assumption of you being late time to time?" (Even though he said it will never happen again just last week?!?!)

I just had to vent.

Tell him it sounds great. And that he will be 100% responsible for the cost. He is the one who wants the sitter so he needs to pay for it.

[Anna25]

Yes I told him that I'm not paying for anything more than right now and everything else has to come from him.
It's just sad that he wants to do whatever he wants and sees even his kids as obstacles to his freedom.

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, it sounds like you are coping well in truly difficult circumstances. From what your H says, it sounds as though he expects he will be late again at some point soon. What is your back up plan if that does happen? Is there flexibility with your work on arrival times?

Just a thought, but it may be an idea if your back up plan (something that you control and don't rely on him for) is a bit of a natural deterrent. For example - 'Oh, SIL/PIL have said I'm welcome to drop the kids round at theirs for an hour if you're running late" (Shows him in a poor light with his family...) or similar.

So, it sounds as though there may have been some adjustment with his living arrangements - perhaps involving OW? I know that must hurt, but from a sitch POV it may be no bad thing. I think the longest running sitches are those where an A has been able to remain in 'fantasy' stage for a while. Once they get to deal with dripping laundry, washing up, PMT, grocery shopping, childcare responsibilities, low funds together....the gloss tends to wear off.

You in the meantime will be in forwards motion - reflecting on things you want to work on for yourself, building your own confidence, enjoying the kids and so on.

Keep going Anna - it may not feel like it, but things are moving forward and the main focus needs to be you and the kids and keeping your head WRT your H.

Hope you have a good weekend my friend xx

[Anna25]

Had a good weekend considering the circumstances.

On Saturday we had a little photo shoot for my D3 in my home country's dress which celebrates rite of passage. I let H know he is welcomed to come see her and take pictures. H showed up late and spent only 30min. D3 was happy to see him.
D3 looked very pretty and had fun. I am very grateful that she is a healthy happy kid.

Last night he came to see the kids for about 1.5h, but mostly we talked about the daycare arrangement. It turns out the time might not work for us. I'm sure H will keep looking for another one because he really seems to want to be free from kids during the day. (To get another job and/or free time ) H agreed to pay anything more than our current childcare cost.

SIL is a stay home mom and always supportive on the emergency stiches, so I can drop the kids off with her if necessary. I used to be reluctant since I know she has her life too, but not anymore.

I agree with you Sotto.
At this point I have no choice but to let go of H. He has no interest in kids or me or family life at this moment and H has to see himself where his "ideal" "free" life will take him.

I believe if we are meant to be, we will find our path back to each other. Till then, I will be the best mom and find out who I want to be.

[Anna25]

H came over supposedly for a cake of S2's b-day with a gift.
We opened the gifts together, and he walked the dog while kids ate dinner. I was about to take out the cake when he came back, and he said he has to go. D3 asked him if he wants to eat the cake, and he said yeah maybe tomorrow. He stayed barely for an hour.

So I guess he must have gone somewhere with OW for Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know if it's her family or maybe friends. I don't know what kind of family is ok with their daughter bringing a married man with little kids to their holiday dinner.
It stinks. It hurts that holiday with her is more important to him than his son's birthday.

But I don't think I will even mention Christmas to him anymore. I thought he wanted to be included in kids' lives, but I guess not.
Tomorrow SIL invited us for a get together, I don't think H is coming, so I'm hoping to have a better day.

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, I'm sorry it wasn't the easiest day Sweetie. People I have spoken to at my Divorce Recovery Group have said that the pain caused for their kids was harder for the pain caused to themselves.

Who knows where he went for the rest of the day. It may not have been a short visit because he had somewhere to be...he may have had a pretty lonely day IDK..

If he did spend time with OW family, there is likely some story they have been told - like 'he and his W separated earlier this year' or similar. They are unlikely to know it is an A. In my experience, not many people really admit to that unless they don't see another option. My H didn't tell his parents about his A for a good while. At one point I asked him if they knew and he said he presumed so(??)

I hope the get together at SILs went well though. Please remember that what H wants now could well change. At the moment, he is rejecting his old life for the shiny new dream. But as reality seeps in, his R with you and his kids may come more to the forefront. As for Xmas, well I would make it as nice a one as possible in all the circumstances. Plan some nice things for you and the kids, and if H wants to be a part of it, you and he can agree how that will work.

Take care Anna...you're doing so well. This is neither a short or easy road. But we are on it and we make it through the best we can.

xx

[Anna25]

I'm glad Thanksgiving weekend is over! I know we still have Christmas and New Year's and Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up and....oh well I shouldn't worry ahead.

Sotto, my H hasn't told his parents yet either. I think he is hoping for them to get a whiff from his sister, but his sister insists H has to tell them himself.

H came over on Sat night to see the kids and it was fine. I guess he was in no hurry (prob. OW was working or something), so he was pleasant and a little more engaged, asked questions how our day was etc.
He said to the kids "see you tomorrow" when he left, but he did not show up on Sun. So I asked him not to do that to the kids. H said he is sorry, he was gonna come, but it gets hard to come & see the kids just a little bit, but he really did want to see them. I don't really know what it means or if he means it, so I just left at it and didn't reply.

Do people stay in the same town/city after D? When I take out the kids or go out to dinner or something, it pains me so much because I have been everywhere with H in this city. It is a big city, but after all, we spent 13 years here and every restaurant or park just reminds me of memories with H. I know I shouldn't live in the past, but I can't help it...

[Anna25]

Journaling...

I asked H to watch S2 for a few hours this Saturday and he said ok one week ago. Of course he canceled it at the last minute without providing any reason. I told him I'm sorry he feels his plans are important, but not mine or kids. No response.
H shows up late every morning by 15-20 min despite of me asking to be on time repeatedly. It is clear that he shows no respect for my time or work.
H can look for a daycare if he doesn't want to come watch the kids. But I'm not going to pay for it(and I can't either), so he has to take the initiative.

I also had asked H for next Friday night off because I have some work function. He said ok. (It's not like he is getting extra day off, he just had to ask for a particular date for the week because his shift varies by week)

Now H asked if I can take Tuesday off. I'll have a visitor at work so I really can't(my work is regular M-F), so H is mad saying it's not fair.
I take care of kids on all my day offs. I only go out when H is already off, maybe once a week for a few hours. H has all the other nights and my weekend.
I don't mind being with kids because I love it. But he can't call me unfair for this, can he? I know it's meaningless to reason with WWS, but I just had to vent.

[twinmom]

He does this because he can. You allow it. I've been there and it [censored]! !!

If he isn't there on time take them to his parents/sisters and drop them off.

You need court orders that include child support for day care. It will also outline the exact times/days he has the kids so you can plan things for yourself. If he doesn't show then document and drop them off with the in-laws.

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I agree with Twin that an agreed parenting plan would be helpful now you are S. That way, you both know when you have the kids with you and can make plans based on that. Yes, that agreed schedule can flex from time to time with agreement, but at least you have a firm basis to work from.

Anyway, do drop in for an update when you get chance my friend xx