Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (5)

[gs9]

Dang it! Stupid late night texts. I do see how it is pressuring her and a came across as a stern hands on hips question. I was trying to send a statement of "balls in your court" or "if you miss me then do something about it"

I feel like she was temp checking. Making sure I'm not with someone else and thinking about her. Seeing if I'm still emotionally attached. That's why i didn't say "I miss you too" Thoughts?

After not hearing back from her I sent a final text at 11:20 PM saying "That was nice to hear "

[Maximus]

Hi Gs,

No more texts and drop it.

You got it wrong, sometimes it is better to leave it than try and fix it.

as we say here... sometimes the treatment is worse than the cure.

Leave the late night for booty calls.

Max

[gs9]

Max,
I thought about not answering at all but last time she was out of town at her parents place she sent the same kind of " i miss you being here" text. I didn't respond. She said she felt like we missed an opportunity. She felt she was reaching out and I ignored her. She felt she should tell me she misses me and it could be we were turning a corner but when I didn't answer she felt we were taking steps backwards and it really hurt her. Could be a lot of excuses when really she is just temp checking but we'll see how this one plays out.

[Maximus]

Hi GS,

I have been looking over your past posts to get an idea of your situation.

All throughout I have seen your W consistently taking one step forward and 3 back. She acts like she misses you and what the R is all about and then goes into Mr. Hyde mode.

You seem to have a really dysfunctional R.

I guess she is temp checking. She has done it before. Placed a carrot for you to follow and you still do.

I also see her total lack of respect for you.

In my experience a w never mentions the chances missed if she really does want to get back together. She just tries harder if the message doesnt get through.

We are told to never mention our changes. They need to see it. She is telling you instead of doing.

I also have a limit to how many A I can tolerate. One thing is a WW but your W needs a deluxe GPS.

Im all for second chances but 3rd and 4th? I think there is a limit to how many times we can forgive. How many times we can co-exist with their issues. How long before we ourselves are permanently affected.

Your W still seems to be playing you.

I would suggest you take a look at yourself in the mirror see who you are, what you were and what you have become. I see you spiralling down. Do you want to continue?

In your case as in mine I found sandi's views to be most helpful, like it is. No BS.

Read her posts besides her rules, advice she gives to members and try to get read between the lines as to what she is trying to get across.

Max

[gs9]

She is very Jekyll and Hyde. She is a serious cake eater and only really understands firmness and harshness unfortunately. For years she has taken advantage of my kindness. I messed up a year ago august and after I pursued, loved, gave her everything she wanted and worked to be the best H possible. I allowed her to vent her anger and hurt on me without limitations. I felt I owed it to her for what I did. What eventually happened? Did she eventually forgive, move on and let it go? No. She had an A herself. Then when confronted she didn't repent or show remorse. She basically said I don't care about you, our family or this M. This OM is more important to me. I'm not going to stop my A. Then she added a 2nd man to the mix and I'm pretty sure there's a 3rd all within the last 6 months.

The peculiar things is I would still be willing to work on the M if she would start by respecting the M. Then get serious help for anger and childhood abuse symptoms.

As we get closer to the final D day I wouldn't be surprised if she decides she doesn't want the D but I don't know that she would be willing to do the work to win me back. That she would be willing to admit her responsibility and that she has severe issues that need professional help.

The other day again she said she did a ton of work several years ago and for a year trying to change into the woman I wanted. Changing all kinds of things about her that were not natural to her. Babying me when she felt I should have manned up ( first time she has said this part). I said "manned up". She said "not that you're not a man but I gave you kinds of words of affirmation which is not natural for me."
I said " the only things I asked of you is 1. If you want to know about my feelings, when I share them I asked you to acknowledge them, validate them and not to discount, argue them or use them as ammunition against me. and 2 I asked you not to tell me you hate me. "
She said "well when you ignore me, turn your back on me or walk away I should be able to tell you I hate you"

She of course took what I said and turned into a reality that is not based in truth. When she asked me about something if I didn't answer the way she wanted she would ask me again and again in several different ways until I would tell her that I wasn't sure how else to answer the question. I've answered the question several times and not sure what else to say. She would get angry, start degrading, belittling me and tell me she hates me.

Summary- I don't think she truly wants this D. I do believe she misses me and loves me but I think she's afraid to face the truth and responsibility for what she has been doing for the last 6 months and the hurt she has caused over the last 8 years. She's afraid to admit there is something seriously wrong with her and she needs extensive help

[gs9]

Im all for second chances but 3rd and 4th? I think there is a limit to how many times we can forgive. How many times we can co-exist with their issues. How long before we ourselves are permanently affected.

I know i will be permanently affected but I know God creates wondrous things from ashes. He has created a much stronger person than I was a year ago.
I guess also I don't look at this as 3 and 4 chances. She has never apologized or began working on the M since the first A. I look at this as a period of time where she is disrespecting our M and away from God. Now if she were to have come back to the M after the first one then we'd be looking at multi chances but right now I'm looking at the fact she has never repented, showed remorse or committed to working on us. It's one big A.

Help me see how I'm spiraling down?

[gs9]

she has definitely showed a total lack of respect for me. I do accept some blame for this. I have allowed it. I did not stand up for myself and set healthy boundaries until about 2 months ago. Since then there have been some positive gains in the respect category. Still not respecting our M but does not speak to me with the disrespect she use to. She is respecting my boundary that I will be sleeping the MBR. Not enough to hang my hat on but definite improvement

[Maximus]

Hi GS,

I would really keep religion out of this, with respect to your religious beliefs.

Do not separate your M from you. If your W respects you then she respects your M. One cannot be different from the other.

She is on an emotional rampage. The fact you are trying to understand and defend it is amazing.

You need to earn her respect, put some distance to the point that if she stripped naked infront of you, your reaction would be to ask her to get dressed and walk out.

Out of all the things sandi has indicated, how many have you really stuck by regularly?

I dont think she knows what she wants. Yes, maybe she wants you but she wants everything and as you have made everything too easy
for her she is lost and with no regard to the damage she is causing.

I suggest you really focus on yourself and only look at her once she has shown emotional stability. Until then walk away.

max

[gs9]

Great points Max. One place I'm really stuck is Emotional rampage is who she has always been. I've never seen consistent emotional stability from her.

[sandi2]

Last time she was away she sent a text just like this. I didn't respond and she said she thought we missed an opportunity. She reached out and I blew her off. I'm going to respond but very carefully

Manipulation.

Look, she really needs to feel that you"blew her off". She is temp checking you, and all she has to do is pull a little manipulation card and you start acting like a puppet.

I don't know how to get it through to the LBH'S that the WW has to believe her H is done and she has lost him. As long as she can manipulate him, she's not attracted.