I am very happy to see that Christmas went well. His visit will be replayed over and over in his head the next few weeks because he has nothing but wonderful memories to think about, i.e., you and your sons.
No wonder we couldn't find any duct tape at the store...you purchased it all! LOL!
Lou, continue to allow life to unfold slowly. Don't rush the process. It's like watching a tulip unfold and open into a beautiful flower, i.e., at it's own pace. You can do this. You've shown a lot of patience over the last year and I think you can be patient a bit longer. I know it's frustrating because you want this over and done w/right now, but he's still got some time left in the oven and it may take a couple of months or another year, but when he comes out, hopefully he will be a more stable, mature man.
As long as you didn't feel used...then what does it matter?
2016 is right around the corner, i.e., a new year, new resolutions and new beginnings. It's going to be an interesting year for you.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow LouR, I am so very impressed by how you handled your holiday. After all that you have been through, I was wondering how you would show restraint through it all. But you leaped beyond that and showed him such compassion. Amazing!
I am sure there were many times you were tempted to do lots of other things with that duct tape: give your h a full body wax, tape him and leave him to a tree, etc. The possibilities are endless.
What an amazing job you did of making him feel safe and loved. You are a good woman, LouR. And yes, I am sure he left with warm memories.
By the way, I am just curious if your h has yet indicated that he knows what happened to him? I know he is seeing a therapist. Has he hinted that this was a MLC or even a weird depression? I know he has told you that he is trying to figure out why he made the decisions he made but I am not sure he has pinned a name to it all?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
By the way, I am just curious if your h has yet indicated that he knows what happened to him? I know he is seeing a therapist. Has he hinted that this was a MLC or even a weird depression? I know he has told you that he is trying to figure out why he made the decisions he made but I am not sure he has pinned a name to it all?
His therapist has told him this is called Mid Life Transition, which I believe is a nicer way of saying MLC. He has also said this is not depression as he is able to function in his daily life (ie, work, hobbies, running a home) which people in depression tend not to be able to do as every part of life becomes overwhelming, where as he is battling with overwhelming feelings and thoughts.
He has said he will open up more as he learns how to, plus he does not want to talk about things that are happening in his head right now as they may not be here to stay, they may only be transient issues, I understand this, why tell me something that could potentially harm "us" when it may not actually be a part of him that stays. I do know some of the topics that are going on inside him, they are very messed up, to the point I am not sure I would want to be with him if they are staying -
Control seems to be a big one. He NEEDS to be in control. He uses control and manipulation at work, its why he is fantastic at his job and he earns the big bucks, but he brings it into his relationships and that causes him to damage them. Losing control over his thoughts/feelings has manifested into other things,so the theory is to make sense of his feelings/thoughts and learn how to let go of control and then all the issues that have come along as a result should fade.
Trying to put us back together before he has done this spells disaster. He knows that therapy will need to be a continual part of his life so he can have an outlet to talk about his feelings in a safe place and to have sanity checks that what he is thinking is normal.
Hey, Lou, I’m so happy to read about your Christmas holiday. Great job on applying the duct tape, LOL. It seems that you were pretty comfortable just to enjoy the moment.
Your H is very lucky to have you. He is also very lucky to have a great therapist, who understands what he is going through. I hope your H will be able to work through his issues and come out of this a better partner for you. You deserve this, Lou!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Adding Handcuffs to my box of items to carry with me at all times ...and not the red fluffy kind ...that's maybe a hopeful step too far he he.
This is more a vent and wanting opinions post.
So after a very nice Christmas with h he flew off to the UK to spend 10 days with his family - we put a messaging app on our phones so that we can stay in touch while he is away. He messaged me on NYE my time (which is 13 hrs ahead of him) which was a nice thought, although I get the impression it was a blanket message to all his NZ friends, so maybe not that a special thought, although I could be wrong. I acknowledged it and then messaged him at midnight his NYE, he did not see it until morning saying he was alseep - however I know he was online at midnight as the app tells me. He connected a few mins before midnight and stayed online until just afterwards. Since then I have had nothing from him, is he really telling me I have not crossed his mind at all?
I got an email from FIL today thanking me for his b/day card and saying that H has made a surprise visit to see his mum and that he was in on it and happy that they did not get rumbled. He then proceeded to tell me the story of how the surprise came about and how it all went down (which I already know as I was in on it from the start and the one who suggested that h contact his s/dad for help pulling it off). He then told me about the visit, how its going, what they have been doing - so h has not mentioned me at all, not even that I know he is there ?? I get that he doesn't want to tell them how friendly we are now, but to not mention that I was in on the surprise or that we are good friends, enough to spend Christmas together (which they know as they skyped with us on Christmas Day), well that's bizarre and a reminder of just how la la he still is.
As you can imagine, despite trying to keep detached, I have felt a little disappointed that h has not said hello while away, no thought I would like to hear from him. I am fed up with feeling like a toy that he gets out and plays with when he fancies and then chucks back in the box when he has found something better to do.
So to this end I have thought about how I want things to go when he returns. I no longer want to be the one who pushes this along, it was him who broke us, so why should it be me that fixes us? Is that an unreasonable expectation?
When he returns I am thinking of withdrawing my attention a bit (well a lot actually), allowing him to do the contacting, keeping my answers short and no information about what is going on in my life. I want him to be the one who suggests meeting up again and start making the moves towards me - and yes, he may just retreat and not bother, but then at least I will know where I stand.
Is this a good idea or am I just reacting to his lack of attention and regard for me, is it a silly idea which will only confuse and make him think I have lost interest ...or am peeved with him treating me badly ...which I am, but know that I must not say it to him. Or do I tell him I feel I am being treated badly; he did tell me to say if I ever feel he is doing so.
He is back this weekend, I know he will let me know he is home safely so I need to think about how I proceed from here.
Sorry for the jumbled rambled, just thinking out loud and no one to talk it through with - well no one that would be impartial anyway !!
Hi Lou, I recon this is all about the fact that MLCers can't really handle more than one thing at a time well. For him, his visit to the UK is a big thing and he can really only focus his energy on that or it is all too draining. Trying to keep the other ball of 'keep in touch with Lou' up in the air, may just be asking too much.
Again, I think you may be best to operate from a perspective of - take what you get when you get it and be glad. Otherwise, focus on your own stuff. I think you are falling into the trap of expecting him to operate as a committed partner and he has already said that he doesn't have that to offer just now as he really needs to get himself sorted out. I think the family trip is part of the 'sorting out.'
It is good that he was in touch at New Year and clearly you were on his mind then. It's also good that you had a good Xmas. In terms of approach, if you can manage a combination of gently withdrawing and doing your own stuff - and pleasant responding (maybe with a little initiating?) that would be ideal I think. Do remember that he is still mid-crisis here and also tackling the family visit too...
I can appreciate the disappointment though - but again I think it is just a bend in the road and one of those times to give a little space (for you both...)
Hope this helps and take care of yourself. Do you have any nice things planned just for Lou? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Lou, I am in total agreement w/Sotto. Your h is still in crisis and as Sotto pointed, out, they can only focus on one thing at a time, especially when it comes to dealing with people. It's not that he's forgotten you, but he's still compartmentalizing things and until he can get himself sorted out, that's most likely the way he'll continue to operate.
I wouldn't be in too big of a hurry to post to him when he posts, i.e., take your time about it. I would post to him once in a while, especially if it's about something you know that will interest him, but keep the posts short and light. Too much posting may send him back down into the rabbit hole. Allow him to come to you. I think the holiday may have set you up for a little bit of "expectation" and when it didn't happen you were just a wee bit disappointed. Lou, his brain is still scrambled and he could only handle one thing at a time and it's not about him forgetting you...he didn't.
Try to keep the focus on you and yes, dig deeper for patience. His reconnection is going to take a lot of time and he's still not ready to come out of the oven on a permanent basis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou, it could also be that the closeness and intimacy over the Xmas period has spooked him a little and he's popped back into his hole for a little safety. If so, I'm sure he will emerge again soon as he has consistently shown his desire to reconcile.
I think if you can act 'as if' you are okay with giving him (and yourself) a little space after your nice visit, that will be the best plan. Ask yourself whether him coming back and you saying - hey, I needed you to stay in touch more! - is going to help or hinder.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your thoughts Sotto and job. Its good to have a place to talk things through, it stops me from reacting first and thinking second.
I get your advice, I would not want to make h feel guilty that he did not contact me - that was the old me - I also want to know that when he does contact me its because he wants to, not because he feels he has too. I would always wonder which is the case. So no guilt trips.
On another note I kicked s18 and g/friend out NYE, long story but I am fed up with being taken for granted and feeling like a lodger in my own home. Both of them gained part time work and despite many requests for help with rent and bills they always seemed to play the pauper card, so when I came home to find a brand new xbox in my living room that they had brought in the sales it was the last straw. They left, moved into a house share with a friend, s18 did not talk to me for 3 days and then arrived home alone to pick up some of their things and we talked, smoothed things over, I told him I dont ever want him to think he cant come to me for anything and I am always here for him. He replied that he knows that and is sorry he is such a crappy son and treated me so badly especially after everything I have done for him (coming back to NZ to help him out, loaning him money for car, keeping roof over his head and food in the cupboard) and he will come to me if need be, he also said it was the push they needed and they should learn to stand on their own.
In the past (pre bd) I would have contacted h and blasted him with it all, make him feel guilty he is not here to help me (he was away a lot with work), he would have felt helpless and really bad that he was not at home. But this time, even though we are on friendly terms and co parenting, I have not let him know about what has happened and have asked s18 to not tell him until he is back from his holiday. I see that what I was doing pre bd was unfair on h, he couldn't do anything, only listen to an upset wife and feel helpless. I have dealt with it and it has turned out fine so no need to involve h at all.
I see now that I am able to take control of a situation, the world does not come to an end and I can cope with things on my own. To make h feel bad was unfair and so wrong of me. Its a good change in me.
Work wise; its tough. This week I have been playing catch up from NY onslaught of shoppers, but as always I have managed it. I have a trainee this week, she is my new support person that will cover my days off. She is not the candidate I choose, I am finding it challenging trying to teach someone who just does not "get it", but my new patience and perseverance skills that I am gaining through this MLC journey are helping me stay calm with her. Next week I am giving her a shift to run, so she will either sink or swim - The downside to all these changes is that management have been so impressed by how my dept coped with Christmas (apparently its the best for many years) that they feel I am more than capable of taking on some more responsibilities so with my new hours comes new tasks - I wonder if they are seeing how far they can push me before I break !! I will of course achieve them, failing is not a word I use often. I also look at it as more for my cv and that I don't intend being in the job this time next year so all this is for me is experience and a good reference.
Sotto - you asked me about GAL. That is on the backburner, it takes my two days off to recover from work, I am generally in considerable pain by the end of the week so its mostly relaxing, a walk on a beach and my grocery shop. I know that needs to change, h will become to much of a focus for me if I dont. My new hours/days no longer fit with g/friends so I really need to come up with something. I have booked time off end of Feb (unfortunately unpaid as I have used all my holidays, which means I now have to save over the next 6 weeks to make up the lost wage - no worries, just wont eat ha ha) I am going on a road trip with my AirForce Sisters (4 airforce wives ....only I am no longer airforce, but once sisters, always sisters), a week of laughing, wine and fun. I am very much looking forward to it, although I do struggle with being the only single one and listen to their "couple" stories, I also am funding this trip solo so they have good income to splash and I have to be careful - they are generally understanding, but do tend to forget and I find it hard to have to remind them as its a reminder for me too.
I finally made my cushion covers the other day, I bought the material and sewing machine way back last year !! They look great so am now thinking about my next project.
Anyway, thank you for your support and advice, I have taken it on board and know that this lack of attention, whilst hard on me, should not be taken as personal, its just h not being able to cope with more than one thing at a time. Next it will be the car !!! Sigh lol.
Hi LouR - just want to drop in to offer encouragement. First, kudos to you on taking the time to improve yourself. That is hard work and takes so much honesty and self awareness. Nice job! And, while it is so difficult, nice work on setting those boundaries for yourself within your own home.
You are an inspiration!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
