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Dear Lou,
If it really was a fun fluffy good life, they would be together still, no? She's a mess and looking to stay in a dysfunctional relationship because that's what her "normal" is ... that's why she wants him back. She's flailing about trying to cling to anything. That's my read, anyway.

I don't think men and women look at these things the same way. Can you maybe let it go for today, not forever? What I mean is, you guys have so much more to work through, this is a bit of a distraction from the bigger things, no? I might be totally off base here, and hope I'm not overstepping ... I know these things are hurtful and I completely see your point of view and actually agree with it, but want to remind you to focus on the end goal/big picture. There will be time a plenty to buy him a new favorite jumper once he's finished baking in the MLC oven and come out the other side, right? Can you maybe put this on the back burner for now without feeling like you're compromising yourself? Am I making any sense?
xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi bttrfly, thank you so much for your thoughts - no you are not overstepping at all, its good to have different points of view.

As for the " ow stuff" subject, I have not mentioned it to h again since it came up. He agreed its one of the subjects we need to talk about, but more in the future. I don't even know why it came up, it was during the sparing match we had a couple of weeks ago, so much was said on both sides, I am honestly surprised he is still talking to me, angry argumentative Lou had come out to play that day ....to both our surprise ! I acknowledged I was out of order at times the next day and he replied that trying to put new versions of us together was going to be a bit trail and error but the fact we kept talking is a very positive sign. Since then we have kept things light and more fun.

By fluffy fun life, I mean he gave it to her, she didn't give it to him. He certainly had good times with her and enjoyed her company, which is how they got together in the first place. He speaks fondly of things he did with her and her kids, so its a part of his life that yes he looks back at as a failed relationship, but that it was not all bad. In time I am sure she will fade into the background to be a once in a while fleeting remembrance.

job is right, this is the challenging part and I am finding it difficult to keep a rein on not pushing him. Reality is that is that this is going to take months of patience, we are already at 7 months since he first told me he still has feelings for me and would like "us" back, its been 10 months since he started to be aware that something is not right with him. Time .....

So until then I have to try much harder to keep focus on me and my life. Not allow what is going on with him to affect my decisions too much. Things are changing, albeit slowly, he may come back different again from his visit to his family, this is being done on his time frame, I am trying to allow him to lead (even when he gets frustrated that I don't). I still have his visit at Christmas, I am looking forward to it, I haven't seen him since Oct when we met up for the first time. Still a bit concerned about him sleeping in with me, but know I have the ability to voice it if I don't feel comfortable at any time.

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Just a bit of thinking out loud here.

I had a 2x4 moment when I read Cali's latest updates, it really gave me a jolt back into the reality of my own sitch. I have become complacent, I know h is working on healing himself and moving towards an "us" again but is not a done deal and I really need to remember that.

The other post that resonated with me was by mleigh - about wanting a family unit and feeling safe within it. There has been a lot about Cake Eating and the time of year bringing them all out of the woodwork - it slightly worries me now that this is what h is doing - that coming to visit me for Christmas is about having his family around him as he misses it, not about wanting to see me and it happens to be Christmas. Last Christmas ow was on scene and it was all about her, this year its about his own family ....or is it? idk, its playing on my mind now.

So with all this in mind, I signed my new work contract. Its not my dream job and I don't intend staying it long term but its a really good deal. My new hours/days mean I now finish 7pm Friday and don't go back in till 1pm Monday. I have also negotiated flexi day Friday meaning I can do a half day on the weekends that I go visit h or h comes to me. On top of that I am to be given a mini me to cover my evenings/days off so that my dept runs at a constant level. Interviews started this week and I have been sitting in on them, getting a say in who the new person is. For someone who started as a cleaner in the company 7 months ago I feel I have done well. Hard work and lots of aches and pains later, I have successfully got a mon-fri job.

I mentioned the new contract to h, a couple days later he asked me about it. By then I had read Cali's update and signed it. I told him about the new proposal and what I had negotiated, he was so pleased for me and said I was worth it. I told him that I had signed the papers and it starts end of January, that I feel this is the right thing for me right now and as things change between us then I will re look at moving. He replied sounds good and it will look good on my cv and give me a great reference when I do leave. I replied " exactly, this is about laying the groundwork for future jobs" I said I am looking forward to seeing him next week and he replied he is looking forward to seeing me too.

Since then we have been texting quite a bit, just keeping it light and a bit silly at times. I feel that after this visit I won't mention seeing him again, let him make the next move, it will be interesting to see what he is like after visiting his family in the UK.

So for now my world continues to inch forward, sometimes its about me, sometimes its about h, I just keep muddling along as we do.

I had a nice newsy email from MIL, I am making more of an effort with the ILs now. We are skyping Christmas Day with them, they are so happy that h, the g/kids and me will be together.


Hope everyone having a good weekend, thanks for reading

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Hi Lou,
CONGRATULATIONS!
You have worked so hard, I'm so proud of you!!! Great that the company recognizes what a jewel they have in you. That is terrific news for you my dear!

I'm glad things are moving along with H. I can completely understand your mindset. It makes sense that you are feeling wary. You've been through a lot with this man. I have no words of wisdom other than to keep doing what you're doing. We are all here for you.

sending you much love xoxoxoxoxo
Bttrfly


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Lou,
Congratulations on your new work contract. Sounds like your management knows that they have a jewel of an employee, i.e., hard worker who is pleasant and willing to go the extra mile.

I'm glad things are going well w/the back and forth texting, etc., w/your h. I hope and pray that the holidays are not the reason for the activity that he is exhibiting right now, i.e., texting frequently, etc. Try not to allow your mind to wander into the dark forest concerning his reconnection w/his family. If he does reconnection during the holidays, this is a good first step for him to finding himself and understanding his own family dynamics.

I'm glad that you and your MIL stay in touch.

Happy Holidays to you and your family! May 2016 bring you much peace, love and joy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Lou. Congratulations on your job contract. I am glad to see you made a choice for YOU. Good job.

I think the fact that your H has stated he wants to work things out and is actually showing that effort by getting his IC help, changes the dynamics of him wanting to spend the holidays together. Same with the extra contact. I don't see that as cake eating, I see it as part of the process. Enjoy it, try not to think of it as anything different then what it is.

Happy to hear your update, you sound good smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hey Lou, congratulation on the new contract! Great job negotiating what you wanted!

Don’t get discouraged by the development with H’s family. Remember what they say, when reconnection happens, the spouse is the last one, after MLCer reconnects with his friends, family and the kids. Should I mention the dogs, LOL.

You are doing great! And thanks for stopping by to cheers me up.


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Duct Tape Duct Tape Duct Tape Duct Tape Duct Tape Duct Tape :o)

These two words been on a continuous loop playing in my head for 3 days lol.

First of all, thanks you all for the job congrats -

So to Christmas: Christmas was lovely, spent 3 days with h, s21, s18 and their g/friends, oh and not forgetting our 2 dogs!

Everyone played nice, we had a lot of fun, it felt normal. H and I got along fine ....lots of duct tape from me ... not much affection for the first couple of days, but I understand that, especially after our first meet and the issues it bought up for him . We managed to get a few alone times and they were nice, sometimes felt like a date (which is kinda fun) and sometimes I forgot we are not together. H bought us all tickets to see Star Wars, we sat next to each other and when the lights went down he held my hand for the entire movie, something he used to do. The sleeping arrangements ended up with me asking h outright if he was ok with me sleeping au natural or would he be happier with me wearing p'js, he replied naked is fine with him, he also slept naked. Nothing happened, stayed on our own sides ....until this morning ...ended up cuddling, which led to kissing, which led to s3x, I won't say ML as it really was a morning quickie, it just happened, I have not read anything into it, but at least the first time is out of the way. Until he talks to me about it I won't know if it has caused any more issues to rise (excuse the pun ha ha) ...more duct tape. I was not sure how I would react when we first had s3x, I wondered if I would be able to get past the image of h with another w, but she didn't come into it, it was just us. Perhaps because it was from an emotionally charged place, there was no time to think, so if this happens again on a more sedate pace, then I may feel differently -

We wont have much contact over the next couple of weeks while he is away, so that should give him time to process everything that has happened over the past couple of days.

In another story, I bought s18's car, its a 1980's classic, I asked h if he wants to do it as a joint project, he was keen (I think he would more like to have bought the car from me but I won't release ownership, long story but I have ended up buying this car twice now, so it feels right for me to own it) S21 is driving it (fingers crossed it makes it) to h's today, so it will give h a project, I am not car enthusiast at all so this is a new area for me, I am trying hard to be interested in what h is interested in (something I have not been before), he seems happy with the arrangement and has talked about what he feels what needs doing and why ....might as well be telling me how to build a spaceship, but I nod and look engaged, my input will be on the cosmetic side to it.


As for how I am feeling. I feel ok, calm. I know we have a long way to go, it is very easy to get caught up in trying to move this forwards before the right time. I did really well over the break and did not mention r at all, rolls and rolls of duct tape. It came up fleetingly in general conversation, but it was not heavy, it was more once sentence comments more than questions. As for the s3x, I feel ok, I hope it wasn't purely a detached physical act for him, he knows it could trigger off mass guilt so I am sure it would have needed to feel right - I am over thinking, stop it. It was nice, we were close and I didn't feel used, so does it matter?

2016 here we come !






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And now I'm wondering why I didn't ask for gobs and gobs of duct tape for Christmas??!!!!?

Wow.

and WOW!

Lou, you are unbelievable, and I mean that in the best of all possible ways. So real, so true to yourself, so here I am.

Ok, I am in awe. Sounds like you just kept it all light and in the moment. I struggle with that so much. How do you do it?

You are right, it was nice, you were close, you don't feel used so no, it doesn't matter ... whatever happens will happen. But what a difference a year makes, huh? You've worked so hard on yourself, Lou and it shows. H deserves props too because he's doing hard work also. I know you guys have a ways to go, but I do so hope and pray it will all work out with you being together again and stronger than ever. You are in my prayers a lot, you and your man.

sending you much much love xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Lou, I'm glad to hear how the visit went. I've been wondering about you, so glad to get an update. It sounds as though you did well just to go with the flow and keep re-applying the duct tape. I'm sure it will be best for you to take the visit for what it was and keep moving forward. Your H will still be processing things and may go around one or two loops. But if you remain steady and sure, that's fine.

Good for you Sweetie xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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