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JellyB #2625663 11/22/15 04:41 AM
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No apologies needed for the post. Mine have been all over the place this week! I'm a bit angsty and anxious at the moment. But all will be well.

I'm a firm advocate of the IC U, I think there is a lot to be said about the better out than in. My sense is that you have contained a lot of your emotion through the last two years, there have not been a lot of safe places to tell your truth of the situation. If nothing else a considered dumping ground is appropriate. I wouldn't like to see you becoming all filled up with toxic waste related to your sitch. It sounds like a health condition waiting for diagnosis if you keep it all in. And yes dear friend we are all hear too, as a place to rid yourself of what is not helpful and throw a little love and adoration your way too!! ;-).

Ah the cheek of the female teenager, taking advantage where they can. I'm not sure how you play that one. I know I would be playing it straight down the line with...."and when did the plans change? and who ran that by me? ". W has a responsibility to say "no sweetheart, if you aren't staying at your friends, you need to go to dad's". But I guess that conversation exists in some idealistic parenting world I have related to me being a social worker. It is a tricky one, as the playing of mum and dad off against each other this age, can leave holes open for at risk behaviour. This time she told you she was at mum's, what about the time she tells you and wife that she is hanging at the other parents place and in fact she is out and about. Personally I would be nipping this one in the bud. Just my opinion and worth little. Hello other parents of teenagers managing this sitch!!!

I'm glad you went with your gut around the Thanksgiving sitch. I feel that things have gotten to the point where you call the shots for you. And for your own sake, keeping yourself in a safe place regarding feelings of bitterness is really super important.

Your words about being "dumb" and this being a "mess" you created, they ring in my ears. The lack of kindness and forgiveness to yourself. Well I know this kind of self abuse. So you f**ked up U. Everyone here did. Don't get stuck in this U, it is really tempting, I know I have set up camp there many times in my life. My experience tells me though that the sooner you forgive yourself the sooner you move forward. You have done amazing things keeping everything going. One day there will come a time to tell the truth of what you did and didn't do. Right now is the priority to forgive yourself for being a bonafide perfectly imperfect human!

In the meantime, you can play Mr DJ in my life,

Norah Jones was my on repeated CD from Jan -June 2004 - I listened to over and over again with I did a social work contract to Pitcairn Island.

Holly Smith is amazing and I have had a girl crush on her since I heard that album. She is super sexy hot!

So I am now off to spend the rest of my Sunday evening listening to your other recommendations.

Catch you on the other side U.


PS: Can't believe I am missing the Chicago Snow!! NZ is waiting for your bro!

Much Love

JellyBXXX

JellyB #2626739 11/26/15 07:18 AM
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Lovely U, I hope the holidays have worked out just as you wanted. Thinking of you.

JellyB XXX

JellyB #2627268 11/29/15 07:27 AM
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Music Sunday U, times up. I need another.

Acarde Fire, didn't recognise the name until I Youtubed them , and then it all came flooding.

I had a manic morning on Friday. Bouncing off the walls, wired as. So took the morning to do data entry and chilled to some Jazzy stuff on Pandora. Nina Simone's Feeling good. Made me think of you and need to drop it in our conversation. Rediscovered Adele singing Make you Feel My Love. Might put that on RAI's playlist and Smile. I was watching love actually the other day. Both SIdes Now Joni Mitchell. WOW gets to the heart. Cry everytime I hear it.

Those are my music highlights for the week.

Stop by and say hello for our Sunday Meetup U.

Catch you on the other side of Sunday

Lots of love

JellyBxxx

JellyB #2627560 11/30/15 07:09 AM
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Thanks for checking in with me Jelly. I wish I could get myself to post more here - I really look forward to reading your words (it's really one of my highlights).

The holiday here was a bit of a drag (I kind of expected that though). It was tough not being with the kids. I did get to celebrate with them when they switched to my house.

I decided it was time to box everything of hers up (not just the visible things). I didn't get very far, but I feel like I'm making a little progress. She has not been to the house in at least three weeks now and I have not talked to her in that time either (just a couple text messages about the kids and schedules).

They really do seem to like it here with me and have many gripes about mom's. (they may be telling the same type of story at her house though). D15 stayed home all weekend and had friends over a couple nights (that is a good sign - maybe things are getting back to normal with her).

S18 always likes it here, and does not look forward to the next switch. He is not afraid to speak his mind with me or his mom. W texted me a couple of times about the troubles she is having with him. I offered no help, but said it is difficult sometimes.

I say S21 this weekend for a couple hours - he is considering asking his gf to marry him and asked me for some advice (he is asking everyone though). I really feel that the women in his life (not counting his gf) are not the best roll models for him (gf's mom had/is having an affair too). I don't know if I am qualified to give advice either.

STBXW had some kind of surgery last week and didn't tell anyone until the day before. She texted me to see if I could watch the kids for a night (and extend their stay with her later in the week). I said I would. D15 was pretty upset and feels that her mom is keeping secrets from her (hmmm- doesn't surprise me).

Financials are still a wreck and getting worse again. W is not sharing in kids bills. Had a nice conversation with the IRS and they are about to come down on me/us (pretty scary actually). I need to fix this and spent a big chunk of last week digging through W's old files (piles) looking for past documents without much luck. This will be an ongoing task for me as the IRS has given me a 30 day deadline to submit 6 years of past taxes.

I am dreading the upcoming holidays. I won't have much/any money for christmas presents, W took all of the christmas decorations that the kids probably would like to see. I have to figure out something new - the old everything is gone. The kids seem very understanding about all of this. but it is so unfair to them.

I will send some music your way tomorrow - guess I should sleep - alarm will go off in a couple hours.

big hug
u-turn


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2627562 11/30/15 08:23 AM
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Oh U,

I know it's not appropriate but I'm going to say it anyway, that all sounds like a sh*tty place to be. I am so so sorry! You and V have kinda had the same kind of year, just one thing after the other. I am thinking that there are so many people here who are Indiana Jonesing it or MacGyvering it to get themselves and their families through. Using duct tape and a sh*t load of DBing to get there. You dear friend are one.

You know I think sometimes about the qualities I am looking for in the man who next comes into my life, and I see so many of them in you and the other men here. I only ever wanted someone who would see me through the hard times. The guy that stuck and saw that as a masculine quality. Who saw following through on commitment as a way of displaying his honor and integrity, and love of me. All I ever wanted from my Mr Ex and Mr M was for them to want to work on things, on us on our future. Us against the world kinda thing. Oh a lot of fun and good sex (Blush)

When I see what you do for your STBX and your kids. It breaks my heart that there is a certain element about your STBX taking you for granted. It makes me angry because U, I hate to say because I think the word deserve is about measuring one's moral goodness and leads to a sense of self-rightousness, but really U, you deserve better. You deserve better, and if not better at least a break.

I don't know what you are thinking about as far as IRS and STBX not paying for the kids , but it sounds like a wee visit to L is required, to give STBX a rev up. I don't know your circumstances, but why are you holding all the responsibility for this?

As for Christmas U, I think your kids will understand. While your fatherly ways and pride are there, thinking that you have to make sure it's all perfect. Your kids are at an age and stage where they can contribute to making this holiday as Chrismassy as it can be. Co-opt them into helping, sharing ideas, let them know some of the constraints. Share the load U. You can't keep doing this all by yourself. Reach out to your family U. I know you don't find it easy, but man you need a break.

What you and your family need is a Christmas in NZ. No snow, sunshine, it will completely spin your head doing Christmas in the Southern Hemisphere. I haven't spoke to a Northern Hemisphere person, who hasn't said it doesn't feel like Christmas without snow and cold. Well it didn't feel like Christmas to me when I lived in the UK because I wasn't too hot, sun shining, with a trip to the beach and BBQ

One day U, you and your kids are going to come down this way and we are gonna have a ball!

I'm useless in this instance U! But I am here and a friend. I miss you terribly when you don't post. I would rather you come and shoot the breeze talking music, cycling and coffee than you not come at all.

I look forward to my Sundays at the moment, because I know I will leave you a little something on your thread. I used to hate Sundays, they were always a little sad. Not so much at the moment.

Arohanui, Kia Kaha my friend.


JellyBXXX


Last edited by JellyB; 11/30/15 08:24 AM.
JellyB #2627803 12/01/15 06:36 AM
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Well-I'd have to agree with you on being in a sh*tty place, but I will persevere - what choice do I have - right?

are you sure you don't know me?? - the whole MacGyver and Indiana Jones thing - hilarious and so me. It is how I feel and have felt for a long time - (also a NEED to be a hero to my kids and others).

The next part taps into my big insecurities - so I'll throw it out here - why not. I do feel like I have the qualities that you talk about (and those things seemed to no longer matter to the one that flew the coop) - but my fears are that this is all because of the last part (lots of fun & good sex). I question myself about these things - and while I'm at it - is this why she left? (and I don't mean left the house, I mean left our marriage) [[big question - and I'll be blunt - I was one to want lots of sex, always had to be the one to initiate it, and was pushed away the majority of the time - sometimes for several months at a time - I felt rejected very often and my resentment appeared often too. It was getting better (much better) toward the end - as we got older and more relaxed with each other, when she got into it, she really got into it. But then she leaves to "get on her back" with someone she had only recently met - which turned into countless meetings and on and on (that I know about). So the fun and sex part actually makes me nervous, meaning - IS THAT WHY SHE LEFT?

I don't know if I will ever know. (and don't really know why I'm bringing this up as there really is no answer to this - or at least only one person can answer that).

I do know that I am in danger of being taken advantage of. I sense that. For some reason there is part of me (and the part that's acting right now) that just wants to push through - if I'm not going to get any help, screw it - I still need all of this to happen, so I will chip away at the mountain. If some day she offers to help, I guess I would expect it - but I will not beg. (am I protecting her yet? - I don't know - maybe)(am I trying to prove myself as an independent man that can handle anything? - maybe)(am I just running around trying to put out forest fires with an eyedropper full of water? - probably)

-Thank you so much for your kind words though - they certainly help.

Christmas in the south sounds so good - if only. I certainly don't need the snow - and would love to put a face with all of this kindness that you send me.

----

so how about this for tonight's musical selection. (I play music in my classes - and reach far to try to move the kids a little) Today - as they were all a little groggy after the long holiday weekend so I went with all ska - all day. Can't be sad and tired with some cool ska.

I carried this through the evening and into the night (kids even liked it).

other selections:
a line from a Bruce Springsteen song made me listen to him this weekend - usually from the darker albums. But this time Atlantic City and the line "I've got debts no honest man can pay" (a little dramatic, but hey - why not wink ) made me think that I should do a favor for someone that can help get me out of this mess -- psshhhh.

I love songs that tell stories - ever listen to Tom Waits? (love his style) - I can get lost in his stories.

And to calm way down - Wynton Marsalis, Sonny Rollins, charles mingus.

I also love (sometimes tolerate) listening to the kids music of the day - we all share what we've discovered.
(by the way - Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell - that's awesome stuff - thanks for reminding me of that smile how about joan armatrading?)

Well - enough for now - I'll try some more tomorrow.

Arohanui -

Last edited by u-turn; 12/01/15 06:41 AM.

Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2627807 12/01/15 07:02 AM
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Hey U,

Im still here at work. Side tracked by posting responses to lovely people who took the time to post on my thread. It's 7.50pm here on Tuesday evening.

I am glad you posted because I have been thinking about you all day. I have felt a little off about not offering more to you, but also not giving you more of little nudge or poke with a stick. Your comments on my thread. well we need to get into this stuff about feelings and you feeling good about U.

Because U, you rock.

U I want to ask you to post more. I get the challenge of posting. I really do, me out of anyone. But I am worried about you sitting with so much on your own. I don't like it. I'm not the best one to be nudging you along. V came back to boards today and I hope she pops in and quite honestly U, I hope she asks you for the first chapter of the Story of U. Hope you got it , otherwise who knows what V will do Ummmmmm you might be in trouble Lol.

I say all of this with love. I really do consider you a friend.

Look I'm going to respond to your post when I get home. Well maybe after some dinner cause I am really hungry.

So stick around U, I aint anywhere near finished with you.


Jellyb XXX

JellyB #2627811 12/01/15 07:59 AM
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Lovely U,

Lets get down to the nuts and bolts of it. I was triggered yesterday by talking about the tension in my relationships related to sex. So I daringly approached Mr M this afternoon to ask him about our sex life. So Mr M tells me, best sex of his life. Tells me he read somewhere recently that couples who have sex once to twice per week, enjoyed a better sex life and relationship outside the bedroom than those who were having it less and those who were having it more. In my head I am thinking is he saying that me wanting it more than twice a week was detrimental to our relationship. So I ask, he says no just that I needed to be able to respect a partner who wasn't willing to have sex more often than they wanted to. In my head i'm like WTF. I was never felt I was disrespectful. If he means being resentful about it, then that's another story. I told him that I took away from our sex life, shame about asking for too much sex, and he told me that it was a silly way to think about it that way. You are who you are. Well what were the takeaways from that conversation.

Absolutely nothing. I am coming to the realisation (after 8 years of not being with him) that he projected onto me his stuff about sex. He shut down conversations about sex when I attempted to find a middle ground. I don't have to feel ashamed, or broken or inadequate because of his inability to discuss it openly and honor of me and my feelings.

I don't know what any of the above means to your sitch and your feelings U. I can't imagine how hard it is to feel in complete darkness about why STBX was willing to have sex with someone other than you. What my humble opinion is about Mr M. He used sex as means to control the relationship. Emotionally I had it all over him, he was more committed than he had ever been, he felt pressure to spend time with me , sex was the one thing he could control when he was feeling out of control in every other aspect of our relationship. It was never about how often I wanted sex. It was about him being able to determine how and when he wanted to give it.


What do you think?

Last edited by JellyB; 12/01/15 08:01 AM.
JellyB #2628073 12/02/15 03:32 AM
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So life right now seems to be based around preparing for the kids to come to my hose and preparing for them to leave. Tonight I prepare for them to leave tomorrow for a week - sad. D15 has a bit of the flu and S18 has no interest in leaving - but life will go on.

---

back to this - I do think STBX absolutely controlled the frequency of sex throughout our marriage - it was almost always on her terms but initiated by me. The frequency was less (much less) than I preferred. So what does that mean, a lot of rejection with a couple great nights in a month. We never talked about it though. Sometimes the rejection would cause resentment and stewing from me which would in turn upset her and we would spend a day in silence. This cycle happened for as long as I can remember.

Was this her control of this part of our relationship - when she felt that the whole world was centered around me ? - I don't know what her feelings were. Did she feel like I was trying to take control of this part of our relationship? I don't know that either.

The great nights were great though - right up until the beginning of the end.

I hope to get this right next time. I hope I will be able to understand what it takes to have balance. I hope to be able to talk about this - about everything.

I have a lot of hopes for next time. I do feel like I have learned a lot.

I don't know how to get to a next time, but I am starting to think about how I would like it to look.

I'm not exactly sure how to start writing this new story of me - I better start figuring it out though - I surely don't feel like I'm moving forward much at this point. There's not much storyworthy yet - just a lot of me whining about things here. But it will come.

thanks for the nudge - I am going to try and talk each night here.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2628083 12/02/15 04:08 AM
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Hi U

You said something on my thread recently. Something like talking about feelings was something that you are challenged by and that wife was likely the same.

My experience of you lovely U, is that you are more than capable of feeling your feelings, I just wonder if you give yourself permission, if STBX ever gave you permission to really express them. I do wonder how shut down your STBX was. Not knowing her I just wonder if she is like Mr M, engages with people and life at that top layer and avoids anything that makes them feel too much or accountable to someone else. Please don't mistake that comment to mean that they don't feel. Mr M is the most emotional man I know, likely overwhelmed by them at times. My theory anyway.

When I spoke to Mr M yesterday I was reminded by his need to superficially glided across the top of anything slightly related to feelings. How do you resolve issues when one partner constantly stonewalls? I know it is likely but I don't want to be with someone who is unwilling to talk about sex and my needs. I am sure you feel the same.

My sense of you Mr U-turn, is that like me you are easily put off by someone else's sense of entitlement to have it their way. They stand their ground slightly longer and harder than we do. So we shut down and get on. Maybe it is time to do things differently.


I would love to hear about what you have learned about yourself about what you want next in your life. Sure you have practical struggles and we are open to hearing them, but maybe this forum can be place of U getting back to what makes U happy.

I wonder U if you could use this place to start talking about how you feel about things. You're a passionate guy, under that quiet exterior. The way you talk about your work, design and music. My sense is you have an artistic/lover temperament. Show us what you have U.

Potentially taking this leap, you may have the opportunity to reunite with STBX, maybe its a new love. Or maybe it is merely about U being happy just being U.

JellyB XXX

Thanks for being open to my wee nudge. An element of the selfish in it for me. I enjoy your company grin



I gotta go I am late for dinner with a friend and her gorgeous baby girl. Wednesday 5.11pm NZ

Last edited by JellyB; 12/02/15 04:12 AM.
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