Hi Sotto. It was a good evening. Lady is an ER doctor from Greece. We seemed to get on well and she's asked to se me again. We had a nice steak dinner over looking Dublin bay and the food was great
Not sure how I feel , lady was very attractive ( if you like that blond haired , blue eyed , pretty , fit type ) funny and good conversationalist She laughed at my jokes ( always a bonus ) and she was a really positive , can do type of person
Maybe I'm just not ready or maybe I'm more attached than i realise. im certainly not as keen as the Dr is
Other news EXW called on Friday and she had run over a dog at the animal shelter where she works. She was very upset and I did go over the friend limit a wee bit. I offered to meet her but she said it was ok.
She called later that evening to thank me for talking to her and caring. I validated
Nothing much else to report. Feeling like I'm on an even keel most of the time and that's welcome. Kids all doing well D116s birthday at the end of the month and he's already looking at cars ! !!!
Small bit of bad news , I didn't win the euro millions , so that's not good. !!
Hi Mr Bond. Indeed she does. Dr has been separated for 10'years and I'm just over the year mark now. I'm an honest person by nature and don't think I would be very good at the deceiving stuff.
I have thanked you on previous posts as you were the first to offer excellent advice at a time when I was deeply hurt and felt like life was not worth living
No problem. And so why had Dr. not gotten a D herself? I can sense a strong EA starting because of your shared marital situations. Two hurting people coming together is never a good thing for a healthy relationship.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I didn't really ask those questions because I was just out for a meal and some company Dr has lived away from her homeland for 8 of those years in Canada
Re an EA , I don't think I would see it that way. EXW has made her choices , she removed her ring and while there is a legal bond , the M is over.
Should EXW announce a new R then that's her choice and likewise for myself
I wanted EXW to have her space and decide what she wanted. She has had her space , she has been suicidail , she has told me she does not regret our M , is sorry for her actions last year and sorry for saying things that hurt me and does not feel she rejected me but her life. She still says she does not know what she's wants and is often in tears re her life At the end of the day she left her children, myself and our family life Actions speak louder than words and her actions are what they are
Also reconciliation would seem to be impossible due to the hurt and lies. I do appreciate that people do overcome this , I'm not sure I could
You are a very brave and decided man indeed. I am happy for you that you are trying to move forward if not move on with your life.
It make it easier once a person reach that stage, even that level of confidence after such a trauma as we all went through.
The lady was everything good and you enjoyed your time with her, but you may be right saying you may be much less detached then you think. By what you told us, it did not shake the ground for you.
I think it is a long process to let go. Mainly to let go on the idea of a family we built up long ago and tough it would just hold strong as a family forever.
The deep wounds we now carry with us are there to stay. If we move on, it will be with all the hurt inside. It does not mean we will carry pain forever, that we won't learn from all of this, but the wound will be there and will remind us of the good and bad consequences it had.
I need to apologize for not updating my situation. My boys are OK, HS football season is over, my 2nd kid is applying for college and we have a lot of paperwork to do, and on and on we go. I am just very, very busy.
Yet, I sometimes need to help my X idiot H, he still cries a lot, goes to my house, says that he loves me and lately is recognizing he was a complete Jerk to me during our M.
I want to detail all this, I certainly need some wise advice that I many times got here. I just feel things are changing inside of me, slowly, but they are changing.
I really wish I had the meanings to meet you and chat for a long time about all this, kids, work, life in general. But, life is the way it is right now and I need to be the responsible adult right now. So, I let it in God's hands.
It might simply be until you are D, you aren't free n your mind.
This is true of me until my D is done, I still feel tied, it still seems to me to even date another an one on one is an A or EA, even though BD1 was over a year ago and WH and I have had no connection or sex since Feb 2014. I would that I feel otherwise, but it is my sense of me. It occurs to me too that anyone willing to date an S is slightly yuk, although this makes little sense in logic. I do not want to consider myself that yuk.
It is not my nature to give of myself until I a free of WH. It will not take long. My choice is unlikely to be someone S no matter how long, I sense religious issues or attachment, it inhibits.
I wish you joy and hope.
I sense though like V you stand for you M and family, even if WW is not your chosen version of a W at this stage.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1501:48 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
RD - I have to say. I've always checked in on you, but rarely posted. Your calm within the storm has been admirable an it has helped me through my dark days.
Originally Posted By: rd500
Also reconciliation would seem to be impossible due to the hurt and lies. I do appreciate that people do overcome this , I'm not sure I could
I can relate. You know the answers to your problems. Let it go, b/c it's out of your control.
Good luck Buddy.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hope everything is solid on your end Rd. Still sounds like you're navigating difficult times with grace and strength. Your words and wisdom are always such a huge help in my situation, I hope I can lend you a hand in the same way.
Truthfully, every time Pink posts on your thread I'm inclined to check it too, since it brings a smile to my face.
Had no idea you were a kidney recipient, I hope to read the novel about your life at some point.
Stay strong my friend, your still in the weeds a bit, but are handling them beautifully.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Vanillia. D tales 5 years here so I don't think that's it. I don't feel married anymore and do think I've accepted that. Maybe dating is not for me and I m happier alone. There was no guilt or worry about EXW while I was on the date
Mahanny. Thanks for the support. It hard to now how we will feel in a few months so I never say never but. ............
PP. Kidney transplant is a new world and I'm so grateful. Your strength in your sitch is great to read and even today you seem to have processed your Ws change in a healthy way and not reacted to it like you would have before. Re her pinching herself !!!!! I would take that with a pinch of salt. Picture of Wolfie far more positive and welcome
Pink. What a lovely opening to your last post. I googled translated it and Google said. ". You are hot stud muffin and I want you now ". !!!!!!!! Really lovely. !!!
I'm kidding of course I did really translate it and it brought a huge smile to my heart and face. Thank you. The next date I go on will be with you and I'm happy to wait until we can sort it out
I'm ok. EXW ran over a dog last week and has been distraught. I have helped by chatting over the phone and she has been very grateful , telling me I'm the only person she has to confide in. Their was lots of chat but basically I just helped her deal with it
She called yesterday and asked if my mother would come for. Xmas to the family home and spend Xmas with the family like before BD. EXW and my Mum have not spoken for over a year so request was a bit weird
Please post lovely Pink , I would love to get a full update. Xx
Glad your kidneys are OK. Cruel world eh? The good guys always get the worst illnesses.
So, you enjoyed your date, but you don't feel ready yet? Hey, seems reasonable to me. That doesn't mean you can't see her again. Why don't you explain and have a little 'non sexual' fun with her? Dates, meals, company? Why not?
Your XW seems in a bad place. I do hope she can find some peace.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
RD!! Funny, that wasn't what came up in Google for me!
So, no second date with lady doctor then? You'll know when the time is right I think. There's no rush...
You're sounding upbeat anyway my friend. I'm sorry about your EXW and the dog; that must have been upsetting for her, and it was good that you could help.
As you say - funny request about your Mum coming over - maybe a little wistfulness there - or wanting things to be the same for the kids in so far as possible?
I don't know - but sounds like a lovely plan to have your Mum over anyways...
Hope you have a good weekend my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for updating. I always heard that Portuguese language have a lot of words, but never heard a few will translate into so many in English.
By the way, I guess I could say all that translation too. Just need to be careful as V said. She is a wise woman and said I am having an EA with you, and you are married!!!
Maybe it is not the nicest or wisest thing to do right now. Life is crazy and our hearts goes in too many directions, but I like to think that you are there, somewhere, but there.
Somehow it is probably very comfortable because we are not really an immediate danger to each other. And I sometimes guess you have a little romantic dreamer inside of you just like I have.
The truth is that maybe this, maybe something else, but I enjoy thinking about you. When I wash clothes, I think about what you said of having the neighbors laundry at your house, it makes me smile.
When I cook, I just think it would be a torture to me if I need to cook for all our kids, and it is a lot of big boys, and it makes me smile.
My kids also mention that Irish man normally spank their wives and we laugh about it too.
So, you are the good that came into my life when I need to just be strong and keep going the way I could. And for that alone I am very grateful to you.
RD, I am less brave then you, I do not want to date anyone. I just want to have some fun but without any dates. I have been going out sometimes, but just with my girlfriends. Today I am going for a dinner and right after a comedy concert with my oldest boy, we will see Sam Adams and he is very good.
Why I don't want to date? Because I know I am not ready. And I have no idea of when I will be ready if ever. I do not have much time to dedicate to a new person and wouldn't be fair to play with other people's feelings.
Your W or XW as you say, I feel really sorry that she needs to endure all the pain she has. I can't help but think like a woman and I just wonder why did she put herself into this big hole.
By what you say, I can think that with your kidney transplant, hospital stay, four kids, all the chores, you running your own business... maybe her wires got all burned.
Yes, many women can endure it all and never go crazy or depressed, but some will do. I don't really have much to say about your dates, but from the bottom of my heart I wish and pray that your W gets to her senses and decide to work in your R and try to get the family back together.
I value family more then anything in this world, and I think you two would be happier together with your children then not.
In the meantime, happy you did not betray our EA.
RD, I am at work and need to do some more stuff around here. No patients today, but lots of paperwork. I would love to write forever but can't right now.
It's very cold here. Some snow on the ground already. Will keep you warm in my heart while thinking about you.
And sorry V, but I rather risk the EA then live empty.
Hi Pink. It's a bit late to worry about an EA. I've been in love for months !!!!!
On the dating front , I think you don't really know if your ready unless you try. I wanted to try because I do get lonely and wondered if it was just a desire more than a need I do get to meet a lot of people and because of my charming nature ( ! ) I seem to chat to a lot of ladies.
For me it wasn't exciting or that enjoyable other than an ego boost that a intelligent , pretty lady would like to spend time with me and that's no recipe for a friendship
Funny thing was during the meal Dr asked about my youth and we spoke about cars and motorbikes and I pictured talking to you and the tales that we would tell. It didn't seem appropriate to tell Dr about some of the less safe adventures that happened
Re EXW , I was with LC recently and she wants me to wait for EXW to come to her senses LC was really pleased with my progress and told me to come back once a month instead of every two weeks
EXW lives I a one bedroom apartment and told me today that every time it rains her kitchen floods. She has opened up recently and it's hard to see someone' you built a life with so sad
Thanks for the lovely post and I love seeing when you post and reading you lovely words
Oh dear, angel? You are the first person in my life that calls me "Anjo". I guess no tried because they could see the little devil inside.
RD, we are stock on moving forward, moving on and yet waiting with all relate to our Xs. Aren't you afraid to get stock on some weird internet love?
I get the whole lonely feeling. I do get lonely, not physically because there is always kids, friends, family, phone, facebook, Whatsapp, messages, email, you name it.
But that special person to share a beer... no, no. By my side it's all good, I actually feel good by myself now. And maybe I need to be careful, because I start enjoying my freedom again.
I think it is now against the rules to ask questions of likes and dislikes no?
So, here we go: My favorite colors? Black, white, blue, pink, red and sand.
favorite movie? I love many, but the one I love forever is "Gone with the Wind", for some reason I always felt a little like Scarlett O'Hara.
Movie themes I like: Horror (I love the vampires), then drama, suspense. For comedy, I like the sarcastic ones.
Sports I like: Soccer of course, hockey, I also like rugby and football, volleyball. Can't have much patience for golf and tennis.
My best vacation: at the beach. Love it with all my heart. It's the best place on earth.
I do like summer better then winter - but enjoy some cold some time.
Oi -de-rosa . minhas cores favorige são vermelho e amarelo. eu amo ações filmes e realmente comédias estúpidas eu gosto de comer fora e cuddlng -se no sofá motos são a minha paixão e eu também adoro carros. sou muito romântico e gosta de fazer as coisas pequenas, mas especiais para aqueles que eu amo . fins de semana fora com lotes de rir e compartilhar histórias seria fantástico e espero ter isso na minha vida novamente um dia. Seus posts encantadores aquecer meu coração e sua proberbly melhor que nós não podemos atender porque desta forma estamos a salvo de se machucar. i considerá-lo um amigo de verdade e quer apenas o melhor
RD, honey, I'm going to call you out on something. You've said more than once, most recently to our dear friend Cira, that you can't enter a relationship again for fear of getting hurt. RD, you can't live life that way, all closed off. Yes, you are going to get hurt again, I guarantee it. It will be a friend, a relative, someone. There will be someone you open up to that doesn't return your love, who betrays you, who breaks your heart. That doesn't mean you should live in a box, RD. I know, I lived in a box, a teeny tiny little box for a lot of years, and believe me, it's no way to live. You miss out on so much, and it doesn't keep you from getting hurt, anyway. Open up, RD, don't be afraid to live. You are attracted to Cira because she lives large, lives with passion, and you know that's deep inside you, too, it's clear in your stories. Don't deny that for fear of getting hurt again, RD. Live large. Be bold, be out there, open up. Life is waiting.
Hi Sunny. I get where your coming from and I haven't closed off forever just for now. I have never handled rejection well and like most on here I really believed EXW and I would be together for ever.
I don't think I could handle rejection on that level again I have the business and my kids to keep me very busy I do meet ladies and you never know what's around the corner.
I e always been drawn to Pink because I see the rebel but also the caring. All the ladies who have taken an interest in me seem unbelievably kind and caring and it staggers me that your Hs are so stupid.
Pink also reminds me of a girl I was very close with right before I met EXW. She was a biker , really cool and beautiful. My group of friends all went to Soul and Northern Soul clubs and this girl danced like an angel. She went out with one of my best friends and when they split we became fantastic friends We did date for a while but she wasn't over my friend. (. Brad Pitts double before Brad was famous ). He was killed in a bike crash a few months later and she was devastated.
Before I left UK for Ireland I went see this girl. , I was living with EXW at this stage and deeply in love. Myself and the girl went to a park and chatted about our deceased friend While sitting on a bench an elderly couple walked past and the lady told us that she was a psychic and could see our souls were meant to be together. The girl was very emotional anyway but this pushed her over the edge and she begged me to stay with her. It was one of the hardest days of my life and I did love this girl on some level She's happily married now with 2 kids !!
Pink has always reminded my of this girl in lots of ways and I so wish I could have met her back In the day because I'm sure we would have been great friends
I don't think you and I would have that deep connection Sunny , it would be much more of a animalistic Phyiscal thing !!!!!!!!! You know , never getting dressed or talking , just physical , over over again Just satisfying our most basic needs Again and again. Would that be enough ? Maybe for a few years but eventually after trying everything and more , again and again !!! We would need to take a break and start over for another few years and an endless cycle would repeat itself and that's no good. , IS IT ??????
Good grief, RD, of course I'm smiling, you always make me smile. And I'm willing to take the gamble until we both get it out of our systems. Say the word.
Really you two? Not even behind my back. RD, thanks for the portuguese, really sweet.
Sunny, you are so right about getting ourselves exposed. We may hurt again, but as you said we won't denie the good we can find.
I guess we are still a little too fresh out of this horrible trauma.
I believe that eventually we will give ourselves a chance to be happy.
The fact that we love bikes is no coincidence, we like the danger because we want to live, and live it in the big meaning. We enjoy life too much to lose it because one person reject us.
I feel in my heart I will find the way to meet RD, even if we end up not interested in each other we will drink that cold beer and laugh about our stories.
I need to update my thread as I keep saying. There are lots happening about my Ex Hubby. Lots of change.
RD, life will move forward and 2016 will be a surprise year for us. Life is anew in some front.
Love your words to me. Hope on a daily routine you are as sweet as you write. I am not. Like you said, I am wild, and sometimes I need my silence like a wild animal.
Kind a creepy, but sometimes I feel like I am about 4 different girls in one body.
Now one thing is for sure. I love life. I see life. And I live life.
Later. Com muito carinho para este gatinho no outro lado do mundo. You probably notice that I say TU (you). I came from Southern Brasil, the state border with Argentina, the only state that don't use Voce as you.
I am from the cowboy land in Brasil. Where we have a very cold winter
Later. Te gosto. Beijos e abracos para ti e para as criancas.
Hi Pink. I'm only trying to make you jealous !!!!!!! It's purely a physical thing with Sunny !!!!
When I was younger I rode scooters and then bikes. My first big bike was a GSXR 750 and I fell in love !!! It could reach 165 mph and was sooo cool.
I had a girlfriend of two years when I got the bike and we were coming back from the coast o e Sunday and I was braking hard for a corner and hit a puddle and fell off. I jumped up. Grabbed my bike and and two guys from a van helped me push the bike to the side of the road. I was looking at the scratches and was so upset at my baby being marked. One of the guys pointed out my GF was still sitting in the road staring at me as if I was mad. NOT SO SWEET THEN !!!!!
We will meet and the sparks will fly We will ride to the mountain pass and drink and eat in the best of hotels and if you get me drunk enough , then we will see !!!!
i já ama seu espírito , amando o i . vida real seria muito fácil ! !!!
Please start a thread so we can all find out what your life is upto. We would all Love to find out what's been happening in your life
I'm lying on the sofa with D11 and D14 watching a film We have the fire lit and cookies and tea. We are watching Transporter 3 and Mr Statham is kicking butt !!
I hope all my DB buddies are enjoying their evenings and even if we are all dealing with a lot of cr@p at the moment , take the time to enjoy the very good bits in your lives.
Well, I go out for dinner with a friend and it's pandemonium on your thread RD - pheromones flying all over the place!!
Sounds like you had a nice evening anyway and hope you enjoyed the movie. I'm with you on the vulnerability thing - but I'm hoping it's a 'just for now' thing. I feel I would want to present any potential suiter with big questionnaire survey..
Now then, amidst learning portugese with Pink and getting all heated up with Sunny - do you have any room for a second date with the nice doctor? Or have you told her no already?
Hope you're having a lovely weekend my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am planning for my trip to Ireland. I intend to visit the book of Kells, I always do. I will visit the tart with a cart and Mr Joyce. Visit the half penny bridge, it can be over the Liffey.
Only a week or so and then I am on my way to the Emerald Isle, I am coming by boat so that I can drive around.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My family trivia: On my dad's side - my great-great grandparents met on a boat headed to the US from the UK. He from Scotland, she from Ireland...a connection was made, and a family begun. It is one of my dreams to be able to visit the UK one day. We have connections in Wales and England, too. I'd be island hopping for weeks!
Sounds like RD needs more female company, in any case. Need to do my part to support the cause!
I'm not Scottish, but from about 230 miles further south, to the right of the UK. More clues, it's the biggest county in England and we are a bit bluff and no nonsense!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Looks like you got your charms with the ladies even online. So, my friend it is a matter of time and letting this same time to heal the deep wounds left from a horrible separation.
There is still the fact that even not seeing much hope with your M it is still a possibility of a wonderful reconciliation.
Time goes by, all things start settling and who knows, maybe the spark that was there one day start coming back and you may have your beautiful family altogether again.
Hope your W is a little better by now. The ADs should be working to help her to have a bit more consistence and think more clearly of the whole situation. If they don't, then she may need to go back to her doctor and find out if she needs to change, increase dosage.
It's sad to even think that people take their decisions without looking into the big picture of consequences. I see it in my XH most of the time. The guilt, shame, the turmoil of the whole destruction, financial instability, loneliness, desperation.
I really hope that your W get back to her senses. Life is not perfect, people are not perfect, but as a family we can find the strength to conquer it all. Maybe she will find this kind of value inside herself and will treasure what she built long ago.
About you, what can I say. Life will probably smile to you again because the ladies are like bears fighting for the honey. By the way, it just shows how many ladies like the "family guy", not perfect, but with strong family values.
Hope you and V can meet and have a good chat. It will help both of you. I love V and her sense of reality, always calling people out of their nonsense, she is a wise woman that has a lot of life experience. Please, drink that cold beer for me.
Hi Pink. Thanks for posting. Really down right now and I appreciate your post
Had a bit of a down day yesterday and EXW called and we somehow ended up talking for 40 mins. She started to say she was unsure about her future and what choices to make. I hadn't slept and couldn't STFU I asked her what choices she thought she had and she admitted she had none. She then said she is unhappy and I said I'm sorry we ever met because she might have had a much better life without me. She burst into tears and told me she doesn't regret our M , still cares deeply for me and misses me. She said she can't understand why she left her family and is lost. I told her I truly hoped she would find happiness but I didn't see us being friends anymore.
She then told me that she had been told that I was seeing someone for the last four months I said I wasn't but if I had been I had no doubt EXW would have been pleased for me. She went quiet then answered that she wants me to be happy
She said she wanted to be friends as she saw me as the person she could rely on. I said no , it wasn't really health but anytime she needed me re the kids just text. We said goodbye
About 20 mins later she called and told me she had sorted a small problem in the girls room. I said thanks and said goodbye. EXW tried to continue talking about the kids but it was nothing. I finished the call
Today I got a text apologising for how the call had gone in the wrong direction and how she cared about me and didn't want to upset me. She said she was happy in the M and didn't regret the years we were together.
I didn't answer and she then text something about the kids which I did answer
All this conversation just makes me realise what a waste the last 25 years were. I wouldn't change them now I have my kids but ..........
Sorry for the complete lack of PMA but it's just for a few days
What is it that's really getting you down? Why are you now seeing the last 25 years as a waste, except for your kids? Your sudden change of attitude seems a little odd from the outside, but then maybe I am missing something...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hi lovely, I'm just dropping in for a pep talk. Hey, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down. I think we all have inevitable ups and downs, and I do think you have been doing so well. Has there been anything in particular that has led to your drop in mood my friend?
Interesting that your W thinks you've been seeing someone for four months - that's a very specific timeframe. Did you meet the lady doctor around that time - although not have a night out until recently? I'm guessing she may have heard about the date perhaps?
It does sound like more of the same from your W, RD. I do think she seems to get stuck in a loop and struggles to move herself forwards. She doesn't seem to see that she has options, that she is responsible for her own future life and happiness - as are we all. This was the theme at our divorce recovery workshop tonight incidentally. When we S and D, we get 'custody' of ourselves as a given. How are we going to live the best lives possible, given all circumstances?
So, what about your future life and happiness RD. What does that look like to you my friend? Clearly your W isn't central in that just now (in the longer term who knows?) But what nice plans are you making just for you? What would put a smile on lovely RD's face again - apart from all the ladies fighting over you on your thread that is.
Keep posting and working through it. We are all your friends and are here to help. I"ve never forgotten that you sat and had a glass of wine with me the night I got divorce papers. That meant a lot to me and I'll always appreciate it. I have tears in my eyes as I post.
take care xx
Last edited by Sotto; 11/17/1510:39 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Maybe because I am in the same kind of boat, I can get it completely. RD has a wife that left him, has something weird going on with another guy, that she does say it is just a friendship and we all think it is, but who knows.
She left a marriage, a husband, her children and all this to be miserable. She then never stops crying, saying how unhappy she is, how horrible is her life, that she has no direction, no money, not a good place to live and the some extra troubles always find the way to meet her.
WHAT A HELL!!! Yes, a complete hell because it is easy to react to if the LS is totally happy, building their lives with or without someone, but happy, resolute. firm, consistent.
We don't see this, we see someone suffering with their choices. We hear someone saying how much they care for us, how much they love us, that all the years in a marriage was not a waste of time and by the opposite it was very important.
That they miss us and then they cry more and more.
Then what do you do? Go hard on that person and say get the hell out of my site? Look at then and don't feel anything like they don't really mean anything to us?
It HURTS... HURST AND HURTS A LOT... to see that we could just sit down, talk the real talk, and at least try once again and this time knowing that we took our M, R for granted and that we would be willing to put our part to make things better.
Everyone made mistakes, everyone fails at some point and disconnect from their partners time to time, but why we need to hear all the good stuff and yet they do not want us anymore, not even to try to see if it could work or not?
Some call this depression, MLC... I call this torture. I think I would rather be slapped in a face and left for dead then hear all the time all the good stuff, remember some funny situations, get the caring words, caring gestures and yet feel it is all gone.
If someone is experience the nice LS, then they understand well what is happening to RD. It is a deep pain to leave behind someone that still says "I love you", is to leave behind the family you once knew so well, the one that woke up besides you, that knows all your words, your smell, your touch, your good and bad days.
We had a good M, we did not have violence, abuse, we had a family with a lot of kids and a lot going on all the time. Our S jumped out of the wagon one day and said they did not want us anymore, just because... just because... and nothing else.
We are reaching that point were we know we need to move on, to look forward and keep going. It is also hard not to have the time and space for our pain. We have kids, we need to be responsible and we were left with the whole deal.
Our S left, they have problems, are depressed and can't handle any responsibilities, so it is up to us to step up and be there for the ones that have no say on this, no guilt on this, no fault on this.
Sometimes we feel we need to go away and be alone for awhile, to get our thinking straight, organize our heart, but we can't. We need to be there, in one piece if possible.
We need to make life as normal as possible, and then go to our room, tired, alone, rejected, and sometimes we cry, sometimes it is just empty, even for tears. Sometimes anger fills our heart with bitterness and anguish, sometimes we want to scream and bit the walls until blood comes our of our hands.
But we don't, we search ourselves, our souls and we decide to stay strong, that there will be tomorrow with the hope that it will be better. We are the strong ones, but also the ones that hurt a lot.
How to manage all this? I guess only time will heal our hearts and show us something else in life. RD does not want anyone in his life right now, he will flirt, joke around, but he is wounded and won't allow anyone to get to close to him.
Is this wrong? I don't think so, but yet it is like Sunny said, you could be missing out something better, who knows?
In some level I envy the ones that don't have kids, no contact, no nothing. Having the kids is a constant contact and our S have their way of never leaving us alone.
They made the mess and they feel the need to smash it in our faces all the time. Yes, we could just say enough... but then there is that thin line of hope, that they will snap out of their dream zone and sit down and talk like adults. But when? Is this worth to wait, to hope for?
Are the wounds going to be too deep, that there won't be any beauty left?
Is it time to call for a "Quit", are we dropping the rope? Are we ready to move on, forward, away from our spouses that are still ruminating around us?
If we stayed beside this person for so many years, it is because we invested in that R, because deep inside us we believe we would grow old together... and now it is all gone, all done. Is it? Is it really done?
So, I understand you RD, you are lost like I say: "Lost like a cucaracha in a dance floor". You want to move on but is still hoping that person would snap out of craziness. You are afraid of losing your time waiting on someone that left you, but you are also afraid of starting over with someone that you know nothing about. And among all this we have: 'THE KIDS", that are old but not that old, as a matter of fact they are in the worse age for all this turmoil.
Teenagers can turn their heads to the trouble side and a blink and then we will have even more trouble. And they are going through everything we are going through too.
If you are reading this, give your opinion. Maybe it is time to storm ideas and see what kind of action would be the best fit in this situation. Wonka said once to me that there are two kinds of MLCers and that my XH was the nice, crying kind.
RD, I hope you feel better, some of our friends will come up with some opinions about this craziness and maybe we call find some kind of therapy, solution, whatever it is, maybe magic to make us to step in this new season and still keep ourselves strong.
Com muito amor, carinho e um milhao de abracos. Eu gusto de ti e espero que meu carinho te encontre em algum lugar e te de a paz que tu tanto precisas.
I can't add anything to what Pink wrote that wouldn't simply be copying and not nearly as endearing.
But, I can tell you you doing your best in a crappy sitch and some days are going to get the better of you no matter what you write here, how supportive you are of other people in your real life and on this board. Some days are just tough Rd. You'er allowed to have them too.
I trust this will pass and is just a small step on your journey. No part of our lives are ever wasted either my friend, not one day passes that isn't part of your story or insignificant.
Keep your chin up buddy.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
RD, I'm just dropping in to say good morning. Pink, I think that was a lovely post from you. I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you RD, and thinking how much I appreciate you on this forum.
Truly, you have so much going for you. Let me list some of the things. A celebration of RD.... You clearly attract the attention of women with your cheeky charm. You are a successful and savvy business man. You picked up the pieces when your W left and now run a house with four kids and various pets. No mean feat. You drive a great car.
You have a wild-side and love the feel of a bike on the open road. But you also have a gentle heart and love to curl up with your kids. You take your daughters out to get personal hygeine products. You cook your kids a roast dinner. You're compassionate to your W, despite your own pain about her choices. You're always there with a kind word for those of us on the forum. You survived serious illness with no sense of self-pity. You are funny and a bit naughty. I laugh out loud at some of your antics. Shall I go on....there is more...
So, this morning I just want to say - Hooray for RD!! I'm glad to know you my friend. xx
Anyway, must dash - I'm off today and I'm going to bake muffins
Last edited by Sotto; 11/18/1510:28 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi all. Just a quick post to thank you all for such kindness that I really don't deserve.
Pink. As always , thank you
PP. thank you so much
Sotto. I was delighted to be there for you and please don't upset yourself thinking about it. Thank you
I'm not sure about staying on the board anymore as I feel I'm not really getting any better. Time is a great healer and maybe I just have to wait. I realised along time ago the M was done and I hoped by now I would have aceppted it
Thanks to so many people on here who have being such fantastic friends and supported me I honestly don't understand your partners , they are giving up on flawed but genuine people.
Please take care and thanks again for everything Rd. xxxx
Please, take a break from the board if you need to. But do not disappear forever.
You became a better person by many meanings, but one of them was because you came here and started chatting with so many great folks.
You are appreciated here and it is a valuable treasure that keeps you going during the biggest storms.
Please RD, life will be better and you are already walking on that direction. Just don't go forever.
By the way, as usual I agree with Sotto, she said all those things about you and that's the way we see you here. We all have our flaws, but it is when the trouble hit hard that we see who is the one with the strength.
Hi RD, I think you will find that you have come a long way already. Do you feel all better? No. Do many of us? No. However, we do share an appreciation of the many blessings in our lives I think....despite what our spouses may be doing.
The thing to remember is our progress isn't linear. If we plotted our recovery on a graph, it would look like a pensions growth chart I saw recently - zigzagging all over the place, but with a general upwards movement. That's us too I think...
If you want to take a break, then I agree with Pink - go for it, but don't go for ever. Take a break and see how it feels. Also, I would love to see RD with a new interest just for him. Not a family thing, or dating, but somewhere you have a laugh and a chat with friends.
Good luck to you my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
RD, I saw a pink Range Rover today. It just wasn't right.
If you go, I'll miss you. I know I don't hang out here much anymore, but I can tell you who I thought of today cruising behind that hideous pink car.
RD, you hold on to the fantasy of getting your W back, you can't let go and you can't move on. Yet, you wont step towards her, either. It's a difficult place to be, trapped in the middle. I wish you clarity and courage to make the change that needs to be made.
I too understand if you need to take a break but selfishly hope that you return here. Not only is the advice that you give spot on and extremely helpful, but watching your story unfold has also been a big part of my own journey.
This trip is so damn hard my friend. There are no easy days, just days that are either painful or less painful. Not a good way for any of us to be, but it's how we find ourselves.
I'm thinking of you and your sitch and hope that you're doing well. Come back when you're ready.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hope things are going well with you and your family. These are difficult days during the end of the year. A time to think and weight on all year long.
May peace takes good part of your heart and let you see that all this won't last forever. I wish you well and I really know what you are going through.
At least we know that if we have pain, it is also because we were giving a lot of ourselves and we are the kind of caring human beings, so it is not all negative when you look at it thinking that we are alive and living.
My life is also a huge mess yet. I will try to make the most of it and live with some dignity left on me. I am somehow fortunate to have my kids, they force me to stand up and do my best.
I think of you often and wish you find a place of rest that will stop the agony in finding yourself in this situation right now. Sometimes I picture you are having a blast running your bike or flirting the cute ladies on the road when you're driving your power car.
Life is busy, hard but also short, try to live small moments and make them memories.
Thinking of you and tomorrow giving Thanks for having the honor to get to chat with you here.
Time and age are irrelevant in healing. And healing takes as long as it takes. “I should be clear by now, it must be done” and who says we have to move by another’s timetable, according to the mean, mode or average? We are extraordinary and defiant in our time table, we move on when we are ready to move on. At our own pace and in our own time. Standing for that in which we believe, the principle of M, we can stay standing as long as we like, as much as we like. And it’s ok, to be this way is ok, absolutely it is ok. There is no doubt we are as we are. When you know, you know, when it’s time it’s time. It’s your clock, it’s your choice and your own path.
Ride it out, the thoughts, the patterns, the desires, the wants, the needs, those times when you need your choices. Your very own choices. There are those firmly in the friend box who say let’s go out, get merry, talk rubbish, pass me the salt and I will dance at your wedding.
There are others past and present who trigger romantic cravings but never satisfy them. They carry us to the best we can be. In truth this makes us who we are, in the place we are destined to be.
There is no timetable other than your own to follow.
This is RDs journey and it is his choice of speed.
RD stand for you, for M, for kids, for family, for new R and above all for WW, as long as you need and want to. For all your life if you want to.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for posting and once again helping me. You are awesome. And I can't even start my day without thinking about you, hoping that you are doing well.
Hi all. Came back to post because while I followed everyone's posts I just feel my story is over
The last couple of weeks of stuck to not speaking to EXW about anything other than kids. That hasn't stopped her contacting me but I'm polite and listen without really saying much
I'm sort of lost at the moment and it's more to do with dropping the rope without being heartless or uncaring
EXW had a nice car when she left but it was expensive to run and she sold it and bought something much worse and just as expensive to run
She has had no MOT ( certificate of roadworthy ) for three months now and the car has many problems that make it worth next to nothing.
I offered to buy EXW a replacement as I know she cannot afford to continue to run her car She asked for time to think as she didn't feel it was right for me to have to pay for her car A few days later EXW text me to accept but I had Ickes her on my phone so did not receive the text. She called later from a landline and asked if I had received text and I said no. She explained that she had wanted to accept my offer but it' didn't matter now I was not in good form and said ok
Every nonth I pay 200 euro in EXWs account as she still pays two direct debits for the house and a personal loan she took out for us Last month around he 19th EXW asked could I pay the money in early as she wanted to buy S16 some presents for his birthday. I didn't do it for a couple of days and I got a text from EXW to say her car insurance had been cancelled because the direct debit was returned unpaid. I sorted insurance and paid in the 200.
EXW called me on Monday , S17s birthday to say could she borrow 200 euro for presents for Christmas I didn't really answer and we talked about other things She told me her Dad had made a DVD out of some old VHs tapes of S20 riding his first motorbike at 2 years old and would I like to see it. I answered I would love to and could she leave it at the house and I would get it copied
At the moment EXW thinks we are spending Xmas together but I plan on not being there
My questions for my friends on here are,
1. I have dropped the rope and if anything I'm the one making it clear to EXW that I'm not interested in another R but obviously I care for her so feel leaving her to sink in her financial mess is the wrong thing to do By the same token it seems OM is nothing more than a friend ( Intel from SIL ) so should I help ? Not for any other reason than she's desperate ?
2. My insecurities have ended any chance of reconciliation and I do feel that while I'm there for EXW I'm making her suffer while she is depressed By making her suffer I mean she reaches out and I slam the door ( figuratively ). I'm not saying she's trying to reconcile but she is trying to be a friend and supportive Should I open the door ? I can't stand anymore pain and feel that closing the door regardless of EXWs efforts ( or not ) maybe easier
3. I'm slipping back regards mindfulness and while EXW has no idea , she is on my mind way to much Will this be forever ?
4 I have no interest in dating and have tried to see how I felt. Obviously Pink is the exception here !!!!!!
I'm lost , I'm not in the emtional turmoil of a newcomer but I feel that I've reached a level I can't get past
I'm very lucky compared to others
I got my kids , my house , 99% of my income and EXW tells me she doesn't regret our M , I'm a great dad , I'm the one person she can trust , she's sorry for how she acted and wishes she could go back two years and take anti d's to stop this mess from every happening I get no spew and plenty of positive signs from EXW. ( 2 calls and ;4 texts on my birthday last sat ).
I feel bad for posting because I see the heartache some posters get and when I read they are being told that their Ex is happier without them it upsets me let alone them. EXW tells me she is very unhappy and doesn't know what to do and has even asked me to tell her. ( I advised I/C )
I suppose after posting all of the above I should just be grateful that I'm in the position I am
Sometimes you forget how helpful it is to write things down
Hi RD, thanks for the update. Like my sitch and Pink's, things trundle along until or unless you have an awakening, or they do, and then it all changes up.
For me I think your sitch is rather like Pink's in that your W would love to keep you close and be part(ish) of the family and your best chum too. Equally, she has been sharing a bed with 'friend' 'OM' or whatever.
So, I think my message to you is similar to your message to Pink. Your W will do what she will do, when she will do it. At the moment, she wants things from you which keep you attached - but she doesn't have the wherewithall just now to offer a full R to you.
Given that, I think it is best to plough your own furrow and live the best life you can. I get where you are coming from on the dating side (Pink excepted of course!) However, I think your life can grow in so many other ways...and I would still love to see you doing more GAL things just for you. I know how busy you must be with the kids - but even once every few weeks...just to have an RD centric activity would be a good thind I think.
The other thing that ties you to your W is money. I can't recall your £ arrangements, but it seems as though your W left with virtually nothing - and she just 'taps' you for money from time to time. If you actually settled and separated your finances (I understand you can't consider D for a while yet) would that make a difference? The whole money thing reminds me a bit of me and my Dad when I was a poor student..
As for the whole 'slamming the door' thing. It's a hard balance to get. I certainly think it is important to work on your own insecurities and this helps respond in the way you want (ie: not driven by fear) if your W reaches out. Also, if you feel you slipped back on the mindfulness, how can you move forward again in this area?
Keep posting RD....I missed you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Basically I see that you are just in the same position I am. LOST!!!
It's just amazing how our stories unfolded the same way. With these idiots saying how great we are and that they still love us and regret all what they did and are doing to us.
They also say how unhappy their decision is making them and they always show themselves miserable.
But and this is a huge BUT, they do not see their way back into the marriage, and they talk to us about this.
What to do??? I am very curious to know what our friends have to say and try to follow some advice because I find myself in the same boat right now. It's painful, it hurts all the time.
It is not the same pain anymore, it is almost like being on a funeral of someone you love dearly. I don't know if this is the last step to let go. It may be that it is an intense pain because the next move is to just give up on all of this.
RD, hang in there, I am sure that there is a better purpose for our lives, for us to be in this board, even for the people that are helping us to get out of this mess to be the ones that show. I do not believe in coincidences, but rather believe it is meant to be, it is our path.
I get the whole thing about being grateful, we have it all, it is great and we should be thankful because we got our houses, kids, we have a job, we are not in harms way and blah, blah, blah. But we also have the constant presence of the other one, reminding us of that deep pain of rejection, abandonment.
And we have TEENAGERS at home, with their own natural turmoil, building their future right now. We need to be strong and be there for it all, whatever comes we need to be calm and supportive.
So, we are in a million pieces. We need to be strong and wake up every day to keep the money flowing. Someone has old underwear and we need to put on a good attitude and smile and go shopping.
We can't just get drunk and be irresponsible, cry our lungs out and break some plates against the wall.
We can't even die, it would be so unfair with our little ones.
So what to do??? Maybe we need to just be selfish and decide on some serious boundaries and THE HELL WITH YOU attitude. You made the bed then now sleep on it kind of thing.
I did not feel angry most of the time, but I am somewhat developing anger. I am angry that I need to carry the heavy weight and my X is just figuring out his life.
Let's wait for some smart folks to give us direction, some ideas that will help us to move forward. For now, I actually feel good we are in the same situation. Somehow I feel that in the middle of all this disgrace we are finding that life is indeed beautiful and we will get to the other side soon enough.
You will see RD, just give a little more time to all this to be unfold in a better situation. I think that what is painful now is that we are this kind of people that will hold on to our values and have a hard time to just let it go. And we know that once we do, it is very hard to go back. Although we love our Xs we deep inside know that we are very, very close to our moment of 'I HAD ENOUGH".
Well, let's see what advice we get and move on from there.
On a private note: I also care about you a lot RD, I even think that we are getting a little mixed up because we did develop some flirting. We see hope and in the same time it is something so vague and abstract. Not even saying kind of impossible with our million kids. Why are we both in these crazy ride? I don't know anymore. My friends think that I went nuts for real now. When I look back into my life journey, I can't even believe I find myself here. I tough the crazy was out, and yet it is even more crazy right now.
At least we can laugh at ourselves today, we find ourselves in a big mess but we can find comfort in each other.
I am just perplexed and amazed of how life keeps juggling with us, our hearts and feelings.
Love you with all my heart and who knows, maybe one day we can be broken together.
Have a good day RD, laugh, enjoy the pain, it is teaching us to be better.
Um abraco gostoso da Pink que te guarda no curacao.
Hi all. Came back to post because while I followed everyone's posts I just feel my story is over
This is just another phase, your story is just beginning.
The last couple of weeks of stuck to not speaking to EXW about anything other than kids.
I think this is the right approach.
That hasn't stopped her contacting me but I'm polite and listen without really saying much.
RD, if you need to be polite that's ok, it isn't failure. It just is.
I'm sort of lost at the moment and it's more to do with dropping the rope without being heartless or uncaring.
Sometimes simply doing what is best for RD is enough. This is unfamiliar territory for you, that's all. In time this phase will just be part of your journey. Without a map you will be lost for a while. That's also ok.
EXW had a nice car when she left but it was expensive to run and she sold it and bought something much worse and just as expensive to run
She has had no MOT ( certificate of roadworthy ) for three months now and the car has many problems that make it worth next to nothing.
Her choice.
I offered to buy EXW a replacement as I know she cannot afford to continue to run her car She asked for time to think as she didn't feel it was right for me to have to pay for her car A few days later EXW text me to accept but I had Ickes her on my phone so did not receive the text. She called later from a landline and asked if I had received text and I said no. She explained that she had wanted to accept my offer but it' didn't matter now I was not in good form and said ok .
If you feel it's right to do this and it works for RD then it's ok.
Every nonth I pay 200 euro in EXWs account as she still pays two direct debits for the house and a personal loan she took out for us Last month around he 19th EXW asked could I pay the money in early as she wanted to buy S16 some presents for his birthday. I didn't do it for a couple of days and I got a text from EXW to say her car insurance had been cancelled because the direct debit was returned unpaid. I sorted insurance and paid in the 200.
If you make a commitment then honor it. Otherwise say no.
EXW called me on Monday , S17s birthday to say could she borrow 200 euro for presents for Christmas I didn't really answer and we talked about other things She told me her Dad had made a DVD out of some old VHs tapes of S20 riding his first motorbike at 2 years old and would I like to see it. I answered I would love to and could she leave it at the house and I would get it copied
Be straight if it's no. Say no.
At the moment EXW thinks we are spending Xmas together but I plan on not being there.
Then tell her, be straight forward about it.
My questions for my friends on here are,
1. I have dropped the rope and if anything I'm the one making it clear to EXW that I'm not interested in another R but obviously I care for her so feel leaving her to sink in her financial mess is the wrong thing to do .
That was the choice WW made when leaving. If your commitment is 200 pay it. Be clear that's it.
By the same token it seems OM is nothing more than a friend ( Intel from SIL ) so should I help ?
OM is irrelevant I feel this. If OM wasn't there would you assist. If yes for how long?
Not for any other reason than she's desperate ?
Do this for you and the kids, make your commitment, car and 200 and that's it. Then draw the line.
2. My insecurities have ended any chance of reconciliation
No, WW sacked you as her H. You may also have insecurities which of LBS don't but really this isn't you my dear bruv
and I do feel that while I'm there for EXW I'm making her suffer while she is depressed.
WW is responsible for her own sitch and her feelings. RD has no control over whether WW is depressed or no.
By making her suffer I mean she reaches out and I slam the door ( figuratively ).
WW isn't reaching out, she is looking for fin support. Don't confuse the two RD. Decide what is acceptable to you and acknowledge it.
I'm not saying she's trying to reconcile but she is trying to be a friend and supportive.
Mind reading RD.
Should I open the door ?
i don't think you ever closed it. And that is ok, you know.
I can't stand anymore pain and feel that closing the door regardless of EXWs efforts ( or not ) maybe easier.
It isn't a once and for all thing and that's ok too. If for you then you need your privacy do so. I recollect saying to you on many occasions that I felt you needed your own space. That WW had too much access to your inner sanctum, then if now is the time, take your privacy. That's ok, to do that which is best for you.
3. I'm slipping back regards mindfulness and while EXW has no idea , she is on my mind way to much Thats ok too.
Will this be forever ?
That doesn't matter at all. If she is, she is the mother of your children. You can stand.
4 I have no interest in dating and have tried to see how I felt.
There can be many reasons for it, you are not ready, wrong lady, too little GAL.
Obviously Pink is the exception here !!!!!!
I'm lost , I'm not in the emtional turmoil of a newcomer but I feel that I've reached a level I can't get past
You will in time and there is plenty of it. No rush RD. It's a phase you know, part of the grief curve. It's the holding pattern down phase of the Kubler Ross cycle. It happens to all of us in different ways and it is what it is. breathe, what is happening is absolutely completely, totally part of the process.
I'm very lucky compared to others
I got my kids , my house , 99% of my income and EXW tells me she doesn't regret our M , I'm a great dad , I'm the one person she can trust , she's sorry for how she acted and wishes she could go back two years and take anti d's to stop this mess from every happening I get no spew and plenty of positive signs from EXW. ( 2 calls and ;4 texts on my birthday last sat ).
Happy Birthday RD
I feel bad for posting
STOP. Immediately, everyone has a different sitch. Yours is tough in a different way. Your sitch is as important as any other.
because I see the heartache some posters get and when I read they are being told that their Ex is happier without them it upsets me let alone them.
So........ Your sitch is different, there will be other posters other lurkers who will relate.
EXW tells me she is very unhappy and doesn't know what to do and has even asked me to tell her. ( I advised I/C )
Its her choice RD, her sitch, her emotion. It's her hook for the rope.
I suppose after posting all of the above I should just be grateful that I'm in the position I am
Gratitude is always a good choice.
Sometimes you forget how helpful it is to write things down
----------------------------------------
RD you are where you are. Breathe, it's all part of the process.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/03/1501:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Happy Birthday Brother RD! Wish I could give you a big man hug and take you out for a drink (I'll have bubbly water).
V did a much better job than I could taking your post line by line. I agree with everything she said. You're still in a tough spot brother. Sure you've got your external life organized, you're successful in all the areas that you need to as a man and a father, but it sounds from here that you're still grieving Rd.
No offense, but you got (censored) over by your EXW. That doesn't just go away because the rope has been dropped. That's a process like Lady V said. It may take years before she's out of your heart.
Also, it sounds like your EXW has her life set up to be just dysfunctional enough to still rely on you. So you get to interact with her, but only in ways that are taking from you, not in ways that actually give anything to you. She gets in trouble, you step in. She needs money for the kids, you step in.
Every time you step in though, not only are you doing something for her or giving something to her externally, but it's also a reminder of her and that's painful! So it's a double hit to you, but it's a double hit that happens under the table. If she showed up at your house, took money out of your wallet and slapped you in the face, that'd be honest. This is all covert.
Of course you're still a mess. Pink is right, your spouses are pulling the same thing.
"I'm sorry, I wish I could change it....now let me do things that really hurt you under the guise of needing something from you be it fins or affection."
Sorry man, you're still in this. It sounds like you're going to be in it for a while too. Until she pulls herself together or realizes she has to go elsewhere to get her needs met, she's going to keep showing up and hurting you with her requests.
I've still got my fingers crossed that you and Pink end up together, and that I run into you both at an airport someday!
Stay strong Rd. Do what's best for Rd and his kids. Keep doing that.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi V. Thanks for checking in. Life goes on As time passes I think I'm putting up walls to protect myself so I'm not going to be hurt again.
I read the newcomers on here and I remember the terrible pain that I was in and I couldn't expose myself to that again
W seems to be struggling along and has been coming forward but my reaction seems to be shutting her down as soon as she starts to open up. I realise it's the fear of being hurt again and I have accepted that while I would love her back with the family but it's not to be.
D14 very down so I'm taking her to I/C tomorrow. D11 had her hair cut to shoulder length and she looks amazing
S17 very quiet of late so keeping an eye on him
S20 is good
Business ok if it wasn't for pesky cash flow and my extravagant spending habits !!
I do realise that I will be happy one day it's just hard to visualise that day at the moment
Hi RD, it's been a theme on your thread - the fear of being hurt again, and putting up some barriers when your W comes forward a little. I can truly understand it BTW, and may find myself in that position at some point - who knows!
But I wonder if you might try the 'toe in the water' approach. So, when your W comes forward a little, not putting up a barrier, but offering a little gentle encouragement - nothing too dramatic, but a non-barrier. However, your heart remains hidden from her, and you are merely dipping your toe in that water. You are not yet sure if you would open that heart to her again - that's okay. Equally, I don't think you want to drive her away if she runs into walls any time she wants to get near to you.
I think it's an important question - given all present circumstances, what's okay for me? I know that for myself, if my H remains in a R with someone else, I don't want to see or speak to him. I would probably talk on the phone - but business matters and small talk and that's it. And I don't want to see him. What's okay for you?
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The thought of being hurt again looms large, doesn't it? I understand where you're coming from. How do you trust somebody (the same person?) again? It's good to see you thinking things through, though.
Anyway, I thought you'd got Pink on the go!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy... who knows? We basically don't know anymore what tomorrow holds for us... we are all trying to survive the storm.
RD, stop this nonsense... I get the whole hurt thing and you know it well because we are all very hurt.
But then there is something in between that has been forgotten here. You are not going to commit to anything super definitive, serious.
If you give your wife a chance to get a little closer, she may find the way to understand better what she wants, what happen to her, what is she loosing or gaining, you will also have the opportunity to show that you have a different perspective on many things, that you learned a lot of R stuff that made you a better person and that you are not the old boring RD.
Long R are famous for being dull, boring. Put your sickness, her menopause and 4 kids in the middle and you have a recipe for disaster.
Letting your W getting a little closer, does not mean you will be with her tomorrow, but will give your and her a chance to heal, to discuss things around, and if not to rescue the M, at least will be some closure for both of you.
If then, there will be a chance to move forward to repair the damage, then it will be slowly and gradual, so no need to think about commitment. If you are not to trust no one else in life, then don't. Be in a R and have your own life too. I can be done, and as a matter of fact, it can be healthier too.
If not with your W, no fear is necessary because you are not going to fall in love so badly now that it will blind you. You will probably take your time to know someone, to some time together to find out if this is what you want.
So, stop the fear of being hurt. There are other hurts in life that are much worse then losing your spouse. Losing a child is probably the worse one for us parents. What are you doing about that? Putting your kids into a giant bubble and not allowing them to have a life because you fear to lose them?
You see, we can't live in fear. We can have pain, stress, disgust, and so on and it will be feeling we will deal as we go. But fear will stop you from being happy.
RD, when you started in this board, you came here looking for help to get your W back, to fight for your M and your Vows, your family. You read the books that says we need to do the heavy lift for awhile because our S are somewhere in lost in space.
You even tell me to start from the beginning, DBing.
Time to step in front of that mirror and have a good look at yourself and take a decision. If your family is still very important for you and your W has still that space to be part of that family. Then be humble and accept to do the work, line by line.
It's not all lost yet. Your family have a chance to be happy again. Think about what you are doing and what can be done. Look for choices.
Share with us and we will give some input and we can storm some ideas. Start the chess game again. What you are doing we call "Cheeseless Tunels" ... remember?
I like you a lot, in some ways I can even love you, and I want to see (hear) you happy. Forgiveness is a gift for yourself more then for the other person. Try to forgive and you will feel better about your sitch. We all make mistakes.
I took D14 into the heart of Dublin today to see L/C. D14 has been very down but L/C was the trick and we left L/C and walked down Graffton street taking in all the Christmas decorations We shopped in the Disney shop and bought L/C a Joy doll from " Inside Out" We watched some street performers and headed back to work to collect S20. We then got take away and came home S17 and watched Brooklyn Nine Nine.
I'm about to sort school shirts and tidy up then we will choose a film. Great day today with D 14
I am so proud of you for all you do for your kids. You get all the affection here because we can see what a good person and dad you are.
Hope that the LC and your attention got D14 in a better place and she is feeling better. I can't even grasp what it is for D14 and D11 having to endure that their mom left them, even if she is still around.
I am so sorry for them, kids that did not ask to be born and now need to be forced to live this kind of situation. I will always break my heart.
The good part is that they have you and you are paying attention in each individually. You are awesome RD. God bless you.
Next time I am in Dublin then I can go visit my friend the tart with the cart, Molly is the name. Sweet Molly Malone. I will think of you with your lovely D14, going walking and shopping.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi all. Thanks for the posts. All ok. Seemed to have had a bit of a shift in mindset of late
Like us all I thought I had a decent M. I worked hard , etc but didn't spend the time with the family that I should have and while I can make excuses I have accepted that I played a mani part in the end of the M
The situation now is I'm a single dad , working full time and kept very busy most of the time. I'm very lucky to have my children with me 24/7 and obviously that brings many challenges
I do miss the woman I thought W was but in reality that women never existed. That's been hard to accept but I do feel I'm there now Again I fully realise that I was far from perfect and was given warning signs that I ignored
While this has been the hardest time of my life I have come through the worst and feel now is the time to make the changes to remove W as completely from my life as I can I appreciate that we have 4 children together but I think it' will be better in the long run for us all.
My plan is to rent a home for the kids and myself and then sell the family home
I can move closer to work and make my own life much easier and start to build a new life freer from W. Nothing will happen for a couple of months as I want the plan to settle in my mind fully and not do anything hasty
The people on this board deserve so much more than they currently have re Rs and while I applaud the ones who are standing , I also understand the ones that want to move on.
Hey lovely RD. I can understand why you would want to make these plans. The house you are in at the moment is the house you were in as a couple. It has remained both of yours in a way and your W can come and go...which has perhaps suited everyone this far.
I guess the further away from BD we get, the more it makes sense to go about getting more separateness, and selling the house would probably achieve that. You would buy a house that is for RD and the kids and it would be 'your' house, not 'ours.' Great if that also makes financial and practical sense - makes your life easier.
It may just be that you are ready to take this next step forward. Soon after BD if I thought of selling our house, it was too painful. The house was a symbol of 'us' and hard to let go. I think it will still be difficult to face the finality of it being sold - perhaps at a similar time to our D being finalised, but I'm certainly more ready than I was and I know it makes sense.
But, as you say it's a good idea to let the idea settle and truly see if that feels right to you. There's no rush and Spring is a good time to sell if that's what you choose. Presumably your W has an interest in the marital home and would need to agree in order for it to be sold?
So, is it family movie night tonight?? What's on the menu for you and the kids my friend?? Have a lovely evening & take care. Thanks for your kind posts on my thread. You truly are a nice man and I have such respect and fondness for you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, just read your posts and it is hard to feel the pain you are feeling right now.
You and everyone on this board knows the way I write to you and that once in awhile we get into this more X rated conversations. But, I really would like that your W would get to her senses and at least try to work on her M issues, perhaps to just give it a try to see if you did not leave anything behind.
The fact that you two have children is not just an accident that goes away with time, it is forever and everyone will leave with the wounds, marks and consequences of a divorce.
I also know that even taking some responsibility for the end of the M, it is not up to you or you have no control over your W's decisions. It's up to her to chose her family or her freedom.
I hope that you do as you say and take your sweet time to really balance what is the correct step for you and for your kids at this point in time. Not too long ago, I felt this huge need to escape, go somewhere, just disappear from the face of earth, but then I also got to my senses and I understood that I was just going through another phase, just evolving.
I also decided that I will need to look for some more sessions with my IC starting next year. I can kind of accept my XWH left me, but doing so, I also noticed that I feel a lot of pain coming from rejection, humiliation, disregard, betrayal, anger, resentment, and so on.
These are the feelings left on us. We are not only dealing with the fact that we lost the spouse and that they are not there anymore, we are now dealing with the aftermath devastation of the storm.
Another thing that I notice is that yet it is amazing that we have our kids and we love them to the end of days, it is also a lot of obligations. With those faces comes a lot of noise, preparation, talk, arguments, shopping, cleaning, more talking, and sometimes it would be nice to just have a life were we come and go and have some freedom.
Yes, it seems very selfish and I do not let myself do it, but we are not free. By other hand it makes even harder because our spouses are some stupid people that just left and pretend that everyone will just move along like nothing happen.
There is where my anger comes from many times. That why should be me the one standing and being responsible and doing all what is necessary to keep this kids with a some kind a normal life? Why, why, why???
Sometimes it just feel like my head will explode.
And to make things worse, these idiots left and they are always around trying to get some kind of emotional balance from us... again Why???
I got to the conclusion that only time will make things easier for everyone and we will some day find some peace inside of us. Right now, we are still on a one day at a time deal.
RD, I feel for you, I really do. I wish non of us were here and life was a little easier. But that is just a dream and we will need to get through this time the best way we can manage.
Hope XMas is being good for you and for the kids and that you can get some rest this holiday and finish the year strong.
Hello RD, I'm just dropping in to say Hi - sorry for not posting lately, but I hope you had a good Xmas with those lovely kids of yours. Do post and let us know how you are doing my friend.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the holidays xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks everyone for the Xmas wishes. On the " sorry go round " at the moment so best to not post.
Got two excellent early Xmas presents that I hope to have for a long time !!!!!!
W came Xmas eve and stayed until 6 ish Xmas day. I cooked the dinner and sorted everything I normally give W quite a few gifts and the value would be quite high. This year I gave a box of chocolates and a book.
I did get a few hugs and kisses but it was a bit awkward. W brought up the past few times a was crying when she left but it is what it is
W called in Bixing day for a few hours.
Kids enjoyed the Xmas. Obviously a bit sad but we had good fun and ate way too much
My of my oldest friends called me last night. His W died a couple of years ago and he is still struggling. He has s GF , a good job and plenty of cash but can't find happiness anywhere in his life. He was talking suicide but not in a poor me way but very matter of fact. We spoke for s few hours and he's going to give it a few months but I am worried.
I hope all my friends on here value what they do have and not what they don't Myself and D11 were watching Stuart Little movie yesterday and the mouse said it best , " I feel like I have an empty space in me "
I'm so glad you posted. I wanted to say thank you for all your kind words and support of me when I first joined DB earlier this year. I read back over all my posts a couple of nights ago, and there you were with lots of kind wisdom. I am sorry that I never posted more to you when I came back after my op.
You are one of my favourite posters, a gentleman with who makes woman feel good about being women, and you are an awesome friend to the man gorgeous men here. Thank you for what you give. I would have loved having a father like you!
I follow most sitches and comment on a few. It's painful to see the newcomers arrive and see them struggle with trying to understand the how's and whys.
We all seem to think that our sitch is unique and of course it is to a point but generally they are all the same. We've been rejected and maybe the cause is us or MLC or some other reason It's happened and we need to control how we deal with it.
I think the hardest part for me was understanding that all I could control me I'm a fixer and I wanted to fix this I started I/C and then L/C and still see L/C and have grasped that W has chosen her own path. We are together 25 years and it's still heartbreaking that the M is over but it had to be accepted for my own mental health
My own sitch has its own unique parts. W left the home and the kids live with me 24/7. My youngest daughter does stay with W one night a week but other kids see W in our home 3 days a week for 2/3 hours. I do all cleaning , cooking , etc but W will prepare 2/3 meals a week for kids.
W has been diagnosed as depressed and appears to be spiralling downward but I accept this is her choice.
My approach to W is to stay out of her way and I don't really get involved in her life unless she is stuck or very upset. I have decided there is no chance of reconciliation and once that's accepted things do get easier I still analyse but I don't dwell because there is no point.
Moving forward is a tough one life is busy and I'm not looking for an R. I still find myself wondering about the future and will I be really happy again but I know I'm over the despair stage and that's a real blessing.
My thoughts to the many struggling on here is do your best to step back from what's happening right now in your sitch. Accept for now that the M is over and use your energy to become the you that you want to be
I wouldn't let current pain and hurt from WAS colour your view right now because things change , feeli ngs change and the future isnt written in stone
The DB path is one that will bring you through this whatever the outcome. In some ways I would advise you to give yourself up to it because long term it does make great sense. Again , we all have unique twists to our sitchs but the base line of DB will get you through.
one last thing and maybe the most important , patience is all important. The WAS didn't get to this point over night so whatever is going to happen in the future , it also won't happen overnight. Months or years are what your looking at so maybe with that in mind it might make it easier for you to move forward for you
RD - I just wrote a long rambling post about deciding to thrive, after all. Then I came here and read your post. Your timing could not have been more perfect!
I am determined to thrive. I am determined to become in a way I never would have been had all this not happened in the first place. Did I mess up in the marriage? Of course. Am I responsible for it breaking apart? No. That was H's decision, not mine. He needs to do whatever it is he thinks he needs to do in order to find happiness. He hasn't discovered yet what I've learned since coming here. Happiness, true happiness, is not found in any external place. It comes from within - from being true to yourself, and learning to find gratitude in any situation.
I'm learning, and I'm growing. Will that lead me back to H? I don't know. He can't be my concern at the moment. My kids are. I am. I'm changing in a way that is, without question, for the better. I'm learning to be happy in spite of all the chaos around me. I've distilled my life down to things that matter. Trying to control someone else? Not on my list of things that matter.
The message I needed was that it is about patience and not trying to see into the future. I have ONE thing I can control right now...me. I didn't get to be the person I am now in a day. I won't become the person I want to be in a day, either. But each day, I can focus on the steps I need to take in order to get me there.
Thank you for your words, RD. I needed them right now.
First of all Happy New Year to you and all here. Happy even though you are here.
Lovely post and very true.
I find myself often reading your sitch, those of Huddy, PP and a few others and have to say, what inspiration!. I aspire to have the dignity, honesty and integrity you have shown all throughout your ordeal.
If I may add my 2 cents worth, I suggest to any newbies to read the posts, the 37 rules from Sandi, the links from Cadet and importantly the books from MWD. This is vital.
The moment you find yourself here a lot of damage has already been done. To yourself, your family and your relationship. We always say here that once you have been BD your marriage or relationship as you knew it is over. Believe me, it is. Period. Over time you will find that sometimes change can be a good thing even though it comes at a cost. Sometimes extremely high.
I have found that once here I went through 4 processes. First was the actual BD, day zero, the SHF (Sh1t Hit Fan) moment when watches are reset and you are lost. Second comes the adaptation to your new life. The co existence with someone else's Plan B against your up until now Plan A and deciding what to do. Third depends on what decisions you made and either include your spouse or a new life. I would include piecing here. Either your new relationship with old spouse or piecing your life back together without them. Fourth is the happily ever after ... until ... Here you carry on DB. In fact you never stop.
To be honest and as many have said, DB is not to be put into practice when things go wrong but should be applied daily. From your first kiss with your spouse to your last breath.
Do not look for a set of step by step rules or do's and dont's on how to act. It is about growth from within and how you from doing A you now do B without anyone telling you. It comes naturally. For anyone who is a father, it is about planting strong roots and letting the child grow independantly, making his own mistakes, learning from them so that in the process they grow from being a son/daughter to a man/woman.
As for you, your humdrum life was sailing along until you got torpedoed. You will now find yourself swimming just to stay afloat. This is where the first days and weeks are crucial. Unfortunately by the time you reach the www you would have worsened your situation and carried out the reflex actions we all have. Do not worry. There are wonderful people here, friends in fact even though you have never met them and never will. This community will stretch out its many hands, pick you up, dust you off, help you heal and point you in the right direction. All you need to do is listen and act.
Whatever you have done until now is normal. Sweep it under and start a new day.
At first many words such as Detaching, GAL, 180, LRT etc will sound like gibberish when all you all want to do is follow your instincts. Your instincts cry survival, primitive survival. As anyone who has been taught first aid or survival techniques will know, trainning will teach you how to overcome many situations. Your teacher is no longer panic but DB. Panic kills.
Many will have heard of the rock climber that had to cut his arm off in order to free himself and survive. In the situation you find yourself in and with help, you will see if you do have the inner strength to cut loose and survive or curl up and wait for the light to go out.
What about your spouse? The way I see it, everything you ever shared, everything they ever meant, every memory you have, pack it in a box, put a nice ribbon, take one last look and throw it out of the window. The reason I say this is that every memory you have, to them it will be different. Everything you ever shared will be theirs if they want it or discarded if it serves no purpose. Everything they ever meant to you will be your achilles heel. Every attack upon you will hurt. Everytime they pull away it will hurt. Everytime they reach out to you will be for their own interest and you will be hurt. Your vulnerability will be played on over and over again until you put a stop to it. And it will be tested in ingenious but predictable ways. They will be like a child having a tantrum to which you cannot succumb or it will go on and on.
You will also change and a lot. You will be weak and find ways of wanting this to be over quickly. You will find yourself accepting crumbs, accepting surreal situations for the sake of holding on to them. You will not understand that in order to win them back you have to push them out. To start a future relationship you need to break off first. To reach light you have to switch off or go dark. None of it may make sense now but in time if you listen you will understand.
You will find yourself snooping to confirm there is instead of there aint. You will commit incongruent acts and live in a world wher logic and common sense have no say. You will have sex whilst at the same time snoop on their phone. You will hear they want to leave yet feel reassured by a hug. You will hurt everytime a message arrives on their phone from OP but watch TV and give a back rub.
Their actions will confuse you and destroy the person you are right now. If the relationship must die then let only one party die with it. Not you. If you have children, you need to be there for them while your spouse is away. You really do not know how much damage they are capable of until you see how they become cold as a parent as well. Kids are no longer untouchable.
Here is where self respect and dignity will come into play. Where you will find that emotional stability you need to grow.
Once you are co exisitng never lose focus of your goals and achievements. Here you will learn the words detaching and getting a life. D&GAL. Many are lost as to its meaning and application. As for me, it meant letting go but still loving. Watching from the sidelines but not jumping in.
To me it means letting the person fall and pick themselves up no matter if they reach out while they are walking away. It means giving them the space to feel free to chose what they want and accepting their decision but not waiting for it.
It means looking at myself in the past and what part I had in this destruction, the present and how am I coping with it and the future and what do I want from now on. Here is where integrity is fundamental. Looking inwards, evaluating yourself without lying to yourself. You may not like what you see but no wound is good to look at yet it is necessary if it is to be cured.
While all this is happening I would say bear in mind 3 things.
First off is that this is only the beginning, and you will need tons and tons of patience for each step and many a time you will want to give up. This situation you find yourself in will not heal in weeks or months. Whether it is your R 2.0, a new R or close chapter. You will feel the effects for a very long time after.
Secondly is the no guarantee rule. Do not have any expectations and take each step forward as a gift and each step back as a challenge. Emotions are unpredictable and the same way one day you were talking about a trip or a new pet, the next (s)he wants out. Work with this in mind but try to keep it as a motive to keep on trying and not relax.
Thirdly is to stop thinking about the past and the hypothetical future. The past is to learn from and cannot hurt you anymore. Stop reliving the sadness of past, the memories had and ask why and how. You only add on more pain to your already weakened soul. Also stop asking what if ... and act as if ... Stop asking questions to situations you cannot guarantee will happen. Stop trying to find and plan "Plan B's" when you do not have a "Plan A".
There is a poster a few of us know that is so afraid of the future he imagines and so tied to past he cannot live the present and grow from it. We call this spinning, going over the same over and over again.
With these 3 points it should help to regain some sanity and plot the future based on what you are doing now.
Then there are loose words some vet posters will say like "Respect". If you have a WS, particularly a WW you will need to regain respect from her and the most common mistakes we men do is become a Mr. Doubtfire. We may impress our WW with our new found or dormant abilities but we will not drop the panties off them by dishwashing. I liked the idea of stop treating them like a W and now like a woman. Start from scratch, do not roll over when they play you but snarl and show your teeth.
One important thing ... I found out from personal experience ... DO NOT leave the MBR. If you have then jump back in. They will put up a fight but the power of a MBR is underestimated. I will only say that 2 days after unilaterally claiming my side of the bed out of the blue without even asking my W moved my toiletries that I had in our other bathroom that I was sharing with my S into the MBR's one. Of her own free will. Until then she made the 2 nights hell by making noise and keeping tv all night until I told her I was there to stay.
For more info on what makes a W tick and gets her to respect you ask Sandi.
Another word for the dictionary is consistency. Whatever you do stay on track and do not back off. What [censored] today and is intolerable will still be tomorrow. Your WS will push your boundaries and you need to defend them but do not give in or slowly they will find a way to bring these down one by one. Let them give up trying to attack rather than you give up trying to defend.
Incongruency is another. Or Logic. There is none if you allow none to exist. If you have WS then do not think them reaching out is a sign for help. If you have been served why go on friendly trips? Why give back rubs? Why hang a picture on their wall in their new home? Why pay for their phone bill they use to txt OP? They are the ones lost, ILYBNILWY says it all. To put it bluntly (sorry) they are saying "..you can screw this picture on the wall but not me. Someone else is doing that already..." As we say where I live ... spend winter where you just spent summer. To let go is hard even for a WS so their conscience pushes you into the friend zone. An area of no confrontation where you get to be the quiet dependable fall back guy. Dont go down without a fight. Let them know the existance and location of the line they wil cross before they are on their own.
One thing, whatever boundary you setup make sure it is viable and enforceable. Don't make threats/promises you can't keep.
One thing I do recommend to all newbies are the STFU smoothies. Especially if you are in CSI mode. Not all WAS are WS, not all TXT pings are from OP, there are sexless marriages without OP, we do have tempers that get the better of us, our S will act irrationally or childishly, etc. In those cases stop, go for a walk and cool down. I cannot count the times I heard the famous pings from my W's phone meaning a message arrived and "knew" it had to be from him, or eveytime she played with phone it was to txt him, or everytime she was late she was with him. When I verified and found out the truth, I realized I was wrong. She may still txt him but didnt those times.
Once you D&GAL, STFU, keep your common sense and gain your self respect you start to change. Big time. Not only does it affect your R with your W but with other people in general. You basically become a great guy. Your insecurities up until then made you either a jekyll or hyde. Depending on your situation. This affects the way your W and those around see you. I remember my W saying she always took the long route home and before entering wondered which version of M was waiting on the other side.
She could be the cause but she only saw my reaction. Needless to say it is unhealthy for any reconciliation or growth as a person.
Finally, maybe the hardest part is acceptance. Take it on the chin and walk away. Get your life in order and organize the collateral aspects of your life like children, mortgage, business, etc and move on. It WILL hurt no matter how much DB you have done but as with all pain it does go away if you stop picking the wound. Let it heal and carry on with your life.
From a personal experience I can say that DB does work if we consider it a tool to change ourselves as people. How we interact with our S's does change and though for some D or S is also a necessary step to take in order to grow, DB gets the ball rolling that would never have in the first place.
I have become more friendlier, outgoing, happier, calmer and STFU'er thanks to DB. I am still learning and still tripping but I have a much better relation with my son and my W is more worried when I am quiet than when I used to go into crazy b1tch mode. I now stand up when I used to stand down and over all must say it is thanks to being here.
I am a lousy point for point analyst and sometimes hit home with a comment that makes someone smil or lifts their spirit and thats fine with me.
As the wise man once said ... Love is a curious thing ... Makes one man weep ... makes another man sing ... I like to think we are the mariachi helping those here to once again sing.
Any way sorry for hijacking with some thoughts and hopefully helpful comments.
I am a newbie and should be getting my book this week. I came here a bit late and wish I had a while ago. I have a running post on my pain but continue to read up on almost all of these
Different stories and situations but all of us going thru some sort of pain
Hopefully the overused term of time heals the wounds will apply but thanks for the inspiration. I need that today!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Long time don't write to you. Sorry about that, just have been super busy with life in general.
Hope the kids are doing well. By now, I think they must be getting the reality that it all brought to us all. My kids went through a phase of anger and resentment and they are still processing the whole turmoil inside of them.
I really don't know what it is to feel the abandonment from someone you trust and love when you are the kid. It may hurt even more then for us adults.
So, I feel for your kiddos too. They don't deserve the cruelty and yet they need to just take it as it is imposed on them.
Hope you continues finding some peace inside of you to keep dealing with all what is on your plate right now. I know by experience that there are days I just want to give up. But then, there is that hope that life will be better tomorrow and it will all be just part of my journey.
I have been allowing myself to have some more fun. I guess there is a side of all this that has been productive and I even like the opportunity to share more life with my girlfriends, sometimes meet new people, start looking into the future for myself.
I am still very raw, I still need help and I am getting it. I still need to learn how to deal with the feelings I have inside my heart. But, I feel I am moving forward now, better then many times I was just pretending to move forward but was stuck.
I guess these whole DB thing, MLC stuff... somehow put me in denial. I was not looking into using this to myself, but as a way to bring my XH back, for not understanding the point, I put myself in denial mode.
Now, I know that my XH is not coming back. He made his choices and is living his hell, but in his view he is doing all the right things and is with the love of his life.
It is up to me to stop the denial, face the demons and all the monsters, my fears and rebuild my life. I think I can, I believe that I am getting ready for the next chapter.
I am dropping the rope. I do not have any more energy to spend with my past in the way of hoping for reconciliation. I want to spend some time there just hoping to clean all the anguish feelings that I still have inside of my heart.
Today, I will start a divorce support group and I hope to give myself some closure. And at the end of the meetings in march 2016 I wish that I can come out a new person with a new perspective that I will be able to even face that it is possible to have another romantic relationship with another man.
Something that I can't grasp right now.
Hope you are too getting some help to move on RD, you know how much I admire you and the way you are handling all this mess. I know that life hasn't been easy for you lately, but piece by piece it will all fall into place and we will laugh at ourselves one day.
Maybe when I go to Ireland to visit you and get that ride on a bike. RD, it still makes me smile and it still something that keeps me happy. The love we share for adventure and freedom.
That person was so berried, I did not know I still had her inside of me. But guess what, it is there, dormant giant that is just waking up for life again. I like simple things, I like to pay attention and respect nature, I am pretty raw in my existence, and I am alive.
Sounds familiar? It probably does. You sound like that kind of guy, deals with the practical, take care of the necessary, and then let life be simple and full. Just enjoy breathing, having water to clean your hands, the wind blowing in your face, the sweat dropping from your tired body, the adrenaline from the fear of velocity, walking bare feet on the sand, lay down on the grass in the dark night to just see the stars.
Oh well, you may think I am in a romantic mood today, but it is not. It is the way I see life until my last breath. I am a believer in God, so I do not need much to be happy. In my opinion, happiness is all around us.
One of these days, I hope to hear your voice, maybe now you will start work early morning and I can get you there.
Take good care after yourself and the kiddos, Love, Pink
Hi all. Not posting as much now but the struggle continues. I have often told others of Star s and how your looking for the planet not the stars
I hope it's ok and cadet please feel free to remove this post if I'm overstepping my remit
In my sitch, I see plenty of stars I have listed yesterday's just for example
W is quite sick at the moment and she missed work on Sunday which for her is huge On Mondays she collects kids from school and then Works Tuesday
This Sunday she text to say she was very unwell and how she was feeling sorry for herself. I was making the roast so didn't see text until about an hour later
I replied " sorry to hear that , take care of yourself.
On the Monday she text that she was worse so I drove the 40 miles from my office to collect kids and then back to office to collect S20. I got a really nice text about how grateful she was and she was bored in her flat and had gone out for some milk and almost fainted. Tuesday she text to say she was not at work and could I collect kids. I asked how she was and she still said she felt bad so I said I would collect kids. Once again off I trotted , collect D11 and headed home because the other two don't finish until 4 pm. When D11 and I got home W was there , looking like death warmed up and quite emotional. She hadn't seen kids since Sat pm
Here's the list of stars
W told me she was lonely in her flat and just needed to see kids
I made tea and left W and D11 to chat , W followed me in and started showing my pictures of her family from Xmas
I then left to hover the hall ( dogs stay in during day as its too cold ) and W followed me around needing me to turn off hover 2/3 times
I then sat in a different room and W followed me in feeling me about how she hates her work and was feeling really sick. I asked W to put on a coat because she looked frozen. She grab me band a stick it I. The top of her jumper for me to feel how hot he was
I then said I would leave to collect the two older kids and W asked me to check her tyres as she thought they were low and she was too sick to do it. I took the car to my workshop / garage and pumped the tyres
At this point I asked D11 to open the gates so I could drive out and I asked D11 to shut them after me as I would drop the other two and head back to work
D11 was outside and I was at front door and W started telling me she was fed up and upset a lot of the time. She said she didn't want to go to work anymore. I answered that you gave up the STAHM gig and we both laughed but W tear red up and had to look away. She carried on talking and in the end I called D11 back in. I finally got away and W geared up again
My point in all the above is you can read what you want into it
Is W regretting her choices
Is W down because of sickness
Is W playing me for some motive yet to be revealed ????
Any newbie reading this please take from it that unless your WAS is deviod of all emotion then of course they will give mixed signals ( stars ) and you trying to analyse them will not reduce your pain one bit
Focus on you , leave WAS to their own choices. Stars can be seen when they are there and when you think they are there If the WAS wants to come home they will let you know and he only way you want them back is if they commit 110% to the M.
We all deserve someone that loves us because of love , not money or a home or even for the kids They have to want us
Again , I hope I haven't over stepped any lines but when I see people grasping at straws in a vain hope then it upsets me
You have a life , you don't need someone to complete you... You need someone to love you , cherish you and respect you for who you are
Don't think that's stepping over any lines at all rd. That was well written and important for everyone to understand. Some of us analyze those stars way too much because we feel like our W, and only our W, complete us. It's just another reason some of us are here, so we can find ourselves.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Great post Rd, still so much wisdom in both your words and your actions. You're right, you could be all worked up into a frenzy right now at the "change in your sitch" but you know there is no real change yet. There might be the seeds of change, but no moons.
I appreciate you putting all of that out there, it's also evident from your writing how painful this all for you still. I'm sorry for your pain and can see that you're constantly and consistently rising above it for the sake of your kids and your own sanity, but that doesn't mean the pain is not still there.
This was a blessed reminder to see what is really there and not project what is not. Powerful post Rd, stay the course my friend. It does feel like your W is having to lie in the bed she made for herself and is not happy there, but she's yet to leave the bed and make the commitment to start walking towards yours.
Sending you strength my friend, your wisdom on this board is ever so appreciated.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sadly, she still hasn't said that her actions are the cause of all this grief. Maybe she wants you to take her back, but I get the fact that you can't accept that right now and you have a high bar on your beliefs about the need for her to repent before you'd even consider it. It must be difficult to watch, but you have standards, and on that, there can be no going back.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi RD, yes I think that is a useful reminder of how much time we can spend analysing every little interaction with our WAS for hope of this or that. But, the fact remains, it would take a big shift to change our current course and in your sitch as in many of ours that hasn't happened yet. I agree with others - your W does seem very low in so many aspects of her life - and yet seems unable to do anything useful about it.
As you say, this week things may have been magnified by her feeling unwell. But, from your side RD, you seem very steady and have it all together - that's important, whatever your W may be doing. Did you think some more about your house plans? At one stage, you were talking about a possible move??
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi all. Looking at a property not far from work but unsure of moving right now
Huddy. W still denies OM to her family , I don't ever ask. W has apologised for all she did and has said she never meant a word she said to me at BD. she also said she can't believe how she acted and generally seems to have accepted that she was / is lost. I don't believe she's happy ( much like your own W ) but they have to choose to want to return to a new M. Yesterday and all the stars , I did get a feeling that she was regretful BUT stars and all that !!!
Thanks to all for comments and posts. Take care. Rd
My sweet lovely daft RD, in many wayes you can be stubborn.
It is time to show a little compassion to WW, I get that WW hasn't begged to come home, I can see she is ill, troubled and struggling.
If you let go then I think you will be able to offer compassion. I do not mean WW moves back home, nor do I mean you repair your M without WW doing all of those things including wanting RD.
I am talking about forgiveness, if you can.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
That sounds like a tough situation RD. I think I'm siding with V. You are very empathetic and compassionate on the board. But perhaps she needs some of that now.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
It's not that you will be the rug she steps on. It's being a friend, a human being.
From your post I can read frustration between the lines. And you have all the rights to be frustrated with all the insanity.
You are tired too. You are the rock for your kids but I know well how much work it is and how much of your own life is in letting go mode for quite a long time.
You are alone and feel lonely, you are feeling rejected... it's painful, it takes the taste of life away from your mouth.
From all what I read, you tell us what she did. But what are your DB plans? You did some changes and is changing even further, she comes to check who is this man and find the North Pole, cold as hell.
Let's say you do not want to do anything about it, then set up your baundaries and finita la musica. No more W crying around.
You want to do something about it, then try this thing and see if it works, or try that thing and see if that would work. We know DB is not a one size fits all.
If you think she is an MLCer, then you know there will be some time before she gets better. And if you think MLC, you need to start living your own life. It means you may need to start your GAL somehow.
Maybe call W one of these days and ask her to be with the kids because you are going out. If she asks, well with friends.
Maybe you need to show her you are not sitting around and waiting for her, you know well that they have a twisted mind.
Or maybe in one of these talkings ask if she would go to MC for you to have some closure. She would need to face that you want to move on.
RD, you can look at this and say it's done for good, everything is over and will never be it. And yet you know it's not true, because anything and everything is possible.
RD, there are no plans. There is no direction. You love her, then fight for her. Do whatever it takes that your self respect allows you, and bring your girlfriend back home.
Of course it is not so simple, but it is possible, with patient, with the right tunnels and right cheese. Why not?
Could you ask her to have dinner with you, to talk about the kids, their future, doctor stuff. Then one thing goes to other and you may find out a little more about her reasons.
Yeah, maybe I am too romantic, I dream to much, but it's a battle and I am in it to last drop of blood and only then I will say no more, I am done. But I will walk away knowing that I tried all I could.
Maybe the stars are there, maybe it is just some fog that won't allow you to see them. Lift the fog of pain, resentment, disgust, disrespect, anger, rejection among others, and you may see the shining stars.
Every sitch is different RD, maybe in your case it would be wise to let her to approach you, to talk to you, open up her heart and tell you what pain is in her heart.
This woman endured a lot. She gave birth to 4 kids, she raised them and took care after her family, she was there when you were very sick, she did help you to start your business.
Then menopause hit her and she got into depression. She was functioning on automatic, but without noticing she got herself in a deep, dark hole and lost it.
I did found myself in a big depression, my M did not end only because my XH's affair. It was when I gave up on US that we started drifting apart. The affair was just one symptom of the bad sickness.
Maybe you can call one of the DB couch and get some advice from someone that actually works with this every day.
We all make mistakes RD, but it's only the ones that humble themselves that are able to see it clear.
But this is just my opinion, you know better the life that is only yours and know what is best for you and your family.
In anyway you go... I will be here, we will be here to support you and share life with you.
Always I admire you. You are an amazing man and father, and you make many ladies here think why they insist in loving their idiot H or XH.
RD, I don't know your whole stitch, so maybe I have this all wrong. Are you wanting to get back together with your WAW? If not, then I understand. If you do, is there a plan that you see getting you there? In your post, it seems your W was trying to reach out to you. Temp checking? Who knows for sure, but it did seem she was trying to reach out. She might have reached out further, but felt that you were not receptive to it at all. If you are wanting to reconcile, she probably doesn't know that and therefore she may not feel that she can come back because it's too late. If you want her back, I'm not saying to make it easy, but also don't make it seem like it's impossible or she won't even try. I'm just suggestion that you make sure she KNOWS that the door is still cracked should she ever choose to walk back through it. Just my opinion and I'm no expert.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
