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AmandaS Offline OP
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HaWho, my MLCer spends most his time at work or at home...he went through a phase for a few weeks of going out at crazy hours & he couldn't stand even making eye contact with me, hated being at home.....now it seems like he is in a more depressed reflective state, he will maintain the peace as long as I keep my distance, don't ask questions. If I trigger his anger by asking too many questions he will list every argument we had in extreme detail, even situations where I didn't even say anything but he could tell from the expression on my face...i find it amazing that they can recall things from 10 years ago when I can barely remember what I did last week...I wonder if everyone has the capacity to do that depending on how depressed of a state they are in?

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Hi MaddyS- before MLC my H was ok if I raised nonemotional issues but otherwise he withdraws.

He pretty much ignores me. Over the last year, he has had moments of clarity. But he has also had some crazy bizarre moments/conversations, too. I have made the grave mistake of thinking the moments of clarity are linear points where he is moving forward. But it just doesn't work like that.

He pretty much spends his whole life here at home in his bedroom which has been coined his "dorm" room.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Maddy- DON'T ask him a single question. KML is right, the further back they go to find what is wrong, the more desperate they are to grab at straws. If what you did 10 years ago is SO bad, wouldn't he have left? Or did you chain him to a wall in the basement? Didn't he choose to have children with you after those horrible things you did 10 years ago? See?

Don't ask him a thing because there is NO logic there. Be kind and when he does talk listen. Validate the true things and throw away the nonsense.

He is going to go through various variables trying to figure why he is unhappy. Hence, replay. You are variable #1. The longer you try to reason with him, the longer you remain the reason he is unhappy. Reasoning with him = reminding him that he is not in love with you. His perception is skewed and he will not remember things the way they really were. Remove yourself and when he is still unhappy, you can't be his variable #1 anymore.

This is not going to make it all go away. But it will save you your sanity. Take if from as I kept myself as variable #1 FAR too long.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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job Offline
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Maddy,
The first order of business when dealing w/someone in crisis is to protect yourself financially. Make copies of the financial records, run a credit report, begin checking all statements that come into the home, etc. Also, set up a separate account for yourself, even if it means you are opening the account with $50, that's a start. If you don't want to do that, then start purchasing some gift cards that you can cash in later. American Express gift cards can be used any where, any time. You need to start thinking of yourself because your H is not going to be himself for a very long time.

Do not rely on him, he will gaslight you into thinking you are the one that is paranoid and nutty. He will go back in time and find something that he didn't like or you did that you thought had blown over to use as an excuse for his unhappiness. Some will say they have been unhappy 1, 2, 5 years or longer that they've been unhappy. If they had been that unhappy, you would have known about it and someone would have left long ago.

Don't argue, beg, plead, etc. w/them. Listen, but don't question because nothing they say will make much sense to you, but it does to them. Listen closely and eventually you will be able to sift through the garbage and actually hear something that will help you better understand what is going on.

They revert back to childhood to the place where they were emotionally stunted many years ago. They have to figure out why things happened the way they did for them and learn to accept that it wasn't their fault if someone didn't love them, acknowledge/affirm what they did or treated them equally in the home. Bottom line, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

Try to keep the focus on you and start protecting yourself financially. If he's not spending now, he will sooner than you think and do not for one minute think that he will care if you have a jar of peanut butter in the house or not. It's all about him and the "me, me, me" song.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello Maddy,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Asking questions of the MLCer will not help you and is likely hurting you.

"There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse." Michele Weiner-Davis in The Divorce Remedy

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi Maddy

I am so sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. I have just caught up on your sitch and see that you have been given some great advice and support so far.

I don't have anything to add right now, I just wanted to know that your not alone and offer my support in anyway you need it.

[[hugs]]

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AmandaS Offline OP
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Unfortunately, tried to show some concern to my MLCer which led to an "R" talk. I know, Big Mistake....pretty much led to him mentioning he's serious about D. I really do think my H will not be satisfied until he pushes through the D...has said it will give him the satisfaction of not having to feel controlled anymore.

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That is what he thinks and the relief will most likely be temporary

What the MLCer does not realize is that his pain is within and can not be released until they go within to fix themselves

They seem to have to learn this way..No one can tell them

My XH also felt controlled..I think it is a common complaint with MLC

Hang in there


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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AmandaS Offline OP
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How do you guys stand it? MLCers never own upto any of their mistakes, their so narcissistic, compulsive liars....what's left to love? i can't stand their selfish, world revolves around me personality, wondering if it's worth holding on?

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Maddy -
MLCers can take on a lot of pathological traits when they're in crisis. Most of them will return to something resembling their normal selves when they finally emerge from their crisis.

One of the challenges for you is to figure out which of these categories your H fits into:

1) (Rarest) True sociopath, narcissist, addict or borderline personality disorder. If your spouse has always been abusive, and you're just finally admitting to yourself that this isnt normal. The book The Sociopath Next Door can be enlightening.

2) perfectly nice normal spouse before the crisis - this is the case for most, and most return to normalcy eventually, even if they're awful when in crisis. They won't remember half of what they said while in crisis.

3) Apparently normal spouse who goes crazy during crisis, but on reflection you realize they weren't so normal before. Sometimes it's not until you get some distance that you can see the cracks. Sometimes it's not until you get into a new relationship that you realize how off your spouse always was.

So, if you think you had a great marriage before the crisis and this is all really out of character for him, just chalk it up to temporary insanity. He's a type 2. But if you're realizing he was always this way and he's just getting a bit worse, he may be a type 3.

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