Hi Maddy - I was going to highlight certain parts of your post that are exactly like my sitch but that would be your entire post! Exactly. Me being made to feel guilty and wrong for looking at his phone (and every time seeing texts from OW who was "just a friend") H changing passwords becoming more secretive. Disconnecting from family and friends - then after (my case about 6 months) starting to reconnect- then gone again - we were the perfect couple - everyone envied us 26 years married and blissfully inlove - no one would have guessed this would ever happen to US My H has thrown everything away and is starting a new life with a new younger OW. All 5 of our kids are no longer talking to him(they are ages 17-24 they know what is going on- they only ever experienced a happy family life with parents that worked well, hard , happily together). As young adults they are devastated for me for our family
Sorry - I got a little carried away with the rant - but I want you to know that I do know your pain, confusion, anger, disbelief, fear ..... Emotions are everywhere
Here is the thing as KML said their probably is, however not always.
My ex had no OM. And it really doesn't matter because right now he has stinking thinking, he is trying to find some cheese less tunnel that will magically make him happy again.
Unfortunately NO other person I really think is a worse situation, it is a much more low energy depression that goes on for a much longer time.
Until he decides he wants to help himself, you are not going to be in a relationship with him.
Hi Maddy - sorry you find yourself here, but truly you are about to meet some of the wisest MLC experts out there.
I am not one of said experts, as I am only 1 year into my situation. However, I live with my MLCer; he never moved out. I will tell you first hand the depression in MLC is REALLY deep and dark. The confusion/fog is astounding to witness. My H went from having an AMAZING memory/being able to do high level math without paper/pen to driving down the street and not remembering where we are going.
It has nothing to do with you and the sooner you can wrap your head around that, the faster you can start to lick your own wounds clean from all this.
I ditto Cadet that, NO other person is a worse situation as the depression is long and drags. I don't know for certain if my H dabbled outside the M--could never find proof. However, I know from our conversations that I am dealing with the fantasy affair and I think this sort of thing just lives on and on.
Read up everything you can, it helps so much!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I am trying to follow hrm123's lead... i read her story and how she was able to stay optimistic, upbeat and independent through the entire sitch. My MLCer lives with me as well in a separate bedroom...but has threatened filing for D soon before the end of this year. HaWho, I agree about the depression and I decided it does me no good to search out for OW, these things reveal themselves with time and I should be as optimistic and independent as I can instead of driving myself crazy assuming the worst.
I am going to try to be the best version of myself that I can be.... I think it's easy for us to drag ourselves down by witnessing their negative personality and they are really trying to tear us down. They have a choice to dwell on their misery and every negative memory they replay in their mind. We have a choice as well to play victim to our situation or to see the positives we still have left in our life & try to make ourselves happy.
We have a choice as well to play victim to our situation or to see the positives we still have left in our life & try to make ourselves happy.
Amen to this!
Quote:
They have a choice to dwell on their misery and every negative memory they replay in their mind.
Not so much. Depression (which is at the root of most WAS behavior) causes the mind to ruminate, get stuck on ideas, and see everything in a negative light. He's likely not DELIBERATELY choosing to focus on the negative, but his brain chemistry is way off.
He lost a family member, he's confronting the reality of death, and panicked at the thought of "Is that all there is?". He's depressed and looking for a way to feel better, and irrational as it seems, at this point in time he honestly believes that if he was just freed of YOU, he would feel all better. (Sadly, most of them don't do well when they realize you're gone and they STILL don't feel well, and now they've created a lot of chaos in their lives.)
If he's threatening divorce and refuses to go to marriage counseling, I recommend you gather all the financial info you can NOW - copies of tax returns, bank account statements, retirement $, credit card balances. Run a credit check to make sure he isn't taking out credit cards you don't know about and running up big balances. If you are financially dependent on him, get any medical and dental work you need done now. If you're a SAHM, start thinking about a financial plan, brush up your skills or look for a job.
This may be very premature, but if he left, would you want to stay in your town? Would you want to move closer to family that could help you? I don't know the legalities of it, but once the divorce is started, it's generally difficult to move out of state. If you'll be seriously financially incapacitated by a divorce and would choose to move home to mom or something, the time to do that might be now.
Btw, has he started any new medication in the last year? Is he using drugs now or did he ever in the past? Any history of mania, or bipolar disorder?
kml, good point about depression being out of his control.. I am upto date on my medical and dental If he decides to divorce, how long is the typical process? If I get served with papers, can I delay? At what point would I need to consult with a divorce lawyer? Can he force me to sell our home? Our mortgage is almost paid off...
An awful lot depends on the laws in your state. Are you in a community property state? How much is your house worth? Are you a SAHM, or if not, are your salaries comparable?
It can be worthwhile to have a introductory consultation with a lawyer just to get the lay of the land and see what you are up against. For instance, if you are in a community property state, and if the house equity is the only real asset, you would need to split that equity with him. Sometimes with older children the WAS will agree to let you stay in the house until the kids are 18 and then sell and split the equity; since yours are much younger though I doubt that will be an option. If you're working and could afford a mortgage payment, you could refinance the house and buy him out of his half - however, you have to have enough income to qualify for the loan (and if child support or alimony is part of the qualifying income, the bank may want to see 6-12 months of cancelled support checks to be sure he's consistent with paying what he owes before they'll lend to you.
Usually there is some set amount of time after the divorce for you to get the home refinanced - 1-2 years seems to be common although I've seen shorter and longer.
If you opt to keep the house and buy him out, make sure you're not taking on too much debt - if you go into foreclosure in a couple of years because you couldn't make the payments and lose the house, you've lost your share of assets from the divorce. Also, if the house is a fixer-upper, make sure you could afford any major repairs that might come up.
Things like when you bought the house (before or after marriage), whose name is on the title, and whether you're not in a community property state may change things. Also, if you ARE in a community property state, you might be able to trade your interest in his pension for his interest in the house, if such exists.
Also, where did the money for the down payment come from? Was it mutual savings, a gift from his parents or yours, all savings from one person, an inheritance? Might make a difference in how the equity gets split.
My advice is to not try and delay the divorce. Don't carry the ball, but don't delay. Many MLCers get fixated on it being the solution and cant move on till it is out of the way. My own experience was that she was fixated on it for over two years, several attorneys and tons of money. Within 3 months of it being finalized she reached out and started to wake up from her fog. Remember that the divorce is just a piece of paper. If he files and are served then get a lawyer. Maybe start looking now for the best junk yard dog you can find. Tell him or her that you do not want the divorce, but don't want to delay it either. That you expect them to spend as little time on it as possible and that you expect his lawyer to do most of the work and run up his bill not yours.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hi Maddy- oh I thought your MLCer moved out. Most of them do. Is he running all around town or wallowing at home? If he is running all around, give NO reaction to this. In fact, seem totally fine by it and tell him to have fun/enjoy his night when he leaves. Don't remind him of an authority figure. My H ran all around like an 20 year old. Very dignified months those were--lol!
You are already receiving great advice. I am reading Hrm's threads, too. Thing is, you have kids, as do I. BIG difference as you will, for all intents and purposes be a single mom to THREE kids now. Plus, it's harder to GAL when you are the primary care giver to those kids. Your kids are young, but I advise you to be ready to answer "what's up with Dad?!?"
Buckle your seatbelt.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Jpeg, sorry to hear we have similar stories, I do remind myself that at the end of the day while I am being the best version of me I know that he is really going to miss out...it's only a matter of time until they realize that you can't escape your problems by trading in your family or wife...my MLCer could not handle the slightest argument or complaint, any negative emotion or argument he would run away from...i wonder if other MLCers are like that?
HaWho, with your MLCer at home..does he speak with you? have you seen improvements in the past year or is he still deep in a fog?
LifeTwists, I'm sorry to hear that it took filing D for her to start waking up...but better late then never especially when their are kids involved
kml, I am in a community property state and I am a SAHM but did give up my career once I had kids. I am hoping he doesn't need to resort to divorce to wake up from this fog...
