My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for almost 10 with 2 daughters 5 and 6 years old. In May my husband told me it's over, he doesn't love me anymore and feels empty inside. I was in shock because we were always close, did everything together...he would tell me everyday he loves me & show me a lot of affection. I did all the wrong things, begged him to change his mind which made him more adamant that he was making the right decision. After 2 months of listening to him mention every argument we ever had in detail over the past 15 years and my flaws, saying I was too controlling, not social enough, etc. He insisted it was over and he didn't feel anything for me anymore. I felt horrible, depressed... how could I not have seen how he really felt. But I also started to notice other changes in him...he wanted to be able to go out when he wants without answering to anyone, didn't want to help with the kids, changed his phone passwords, became secretive when texting, getting a new wardrobe, new car lease, new gadgets. I started to realize he was going through something bigger than our normal marital issues which he was making the target of all his unhappiness.
Other interesting changes, he started wearing strong cologne, reconnecting with his college friends, caring more about his appearance and blaming me for his white hairs. He said I remind him of his mother. Forgot to mention I am 32 and he is 35. He has become concerned about death and dying young. Once I found this forum I realized no amount of convincing would change his mind, he has mentioned divorce as the only solution... he definitely has the mind of a teenager where the responsibilities of owning a house and taking care of kids is not his priority. He thinks the only thing that will make him happy is getting a divorce and selling the house that we bought 3 years ago. After reading the advice on this forum I started making changes, stopped with the relationship talks which would always end in him saying he feels nothing. The more positive and optimistic I was and the less I paid attention to what he was doing or where he was going made him want to spend more time with the kids and at home. I do tend to get frustrated and slip up once every 2 weeks and my husband uses that as an excuse to pull out the D word. I'm hoping by posting here, everyone can keep me on track, more DBing and less clingy behavior...
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Maddy, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that circumstances in your life mean you are here, but you will find some good support and advice. You'll be on moderation at first, but keep posting and you'll pass through that phase.
From what you post, it certainly sounds as though there are MLC signs there. Your H would be at the younger range, but MLC can affect anyone from mid 30s to mid 50s, so he's certainly a contender.
Do take some time to read the homework from Cadet and also read all that you can on MLC. Have you read DR or DB yet?? It certainly helps to understand where some of the MLC/WAS behaviour comes from. You don't mention a possible OW at all in your intro and I hope there isn't anyone in the wings in your situation. But experience tells me that most guys have an OP somewhere in the mix and don't leave for 'nothing.' Also, the changed passwords are a red flag I think.
Unfortunately, you are likely to be in this situation for the next little while - and timescales can be quite extended. Things usually get worse before they get better too. But - here's the good news my friend. If you 'get with the programme' and put effort in the right places, you will emerge from this difficult phase a better and happier person - and that is the case whether or not your marriage is salvageable.
I'm sure others will be along to extend a welcome and offer further advice too.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My DB was in June and I have definitely seen the phases of Denial, Anger and I am assuming he must be in Replay...he has been spending money even though we just make enough to cover the bills. Don't think there is an OW.... I did learn the hard way that MLC'ers really do have the personality traits of a teenager and most like to put us into the role of mother and that is why they resent/hate us and act as if we are restraining their freedom. My husband has always been an outgoing, honest, caring, loving, person who would go out of his way to help anyone. He has definitely become the opposite of all the good qualities he has had. It was a shock when I realized that if I ask questions, he lies for no reason...i read about this trait but to actually witness him telling me lies about something that I know is not true and have proof ..he then gets upset at me for not believing him, then claiming I will never change because I don't trust him. That made my head spin...I realized he enjoys setting up traps for me so that I can fall into them and prove his point that I am jealous, controlling. I have learned from my mistakes and am on guard now that I know what to expect.
Maddy, honey - I hate to be the bearer of bad news. However, when I was first here, and naively sure that MY husband wasn't having an affair, somebody clued me in that he likely WAS. I was grateful in the end, because it buffered the shock a bit when I discover - yup - he was having an affair.
Far too many details from your post match up with an affair, and frankly, very few men leave without already having a woman on the side waiting. Especially not when the relationship was previously good.
I always feel that knowledge is power. And although excessive snooping is NOT good for you (trust me, you don't want to know the details usually), just knowing that he IS having an affair helps you start to see what all the lying and gaslighting and craziness is really about - and it's NOT about you.
In the bad old days, you could usually look at your phone bill and see that he was texting or calling one particular number an ungodly number of times (although some guys get burner cell phones to call their affair partners on). Credit card bills can offer revealing information, like an expensive dinner for two with wine when he was supposedly eating out alone on a business trip, or hotel rooms you didn't know about. MLC cheaters are usually bad at covering their tracks.
Did anyone close to him die before this all started? Is his career not going well? Does he have a drinking problem?
I'm sorry you're here, but also glad - you could not find better support anywhere.
Keep calm. This is not about you. Yet still, it is a unique opportunity to re-evaluate and improve on yourself, free yourself from preconceptions and build towards a better tomorrow with or without H.
Unfortunately I did the snooping thing early on...got caught...was blamed for never trusting him in 15 years. It puts me in a spot where if I snoop I get blamed that "I will never change" and gives him even more reason to justify his reasons for a D and I don't have access to anything anymore, all passwords have been changed. On top of that he wants me to snoop and ask about things I come across just so he can justify to family that i am to blame for the breakdown of the marriage, that I have trust issues. I never thought people in MLC could be so vindictive... He did have a close family member pass away last year which for sure was part of the trigger...Work has been stressful which means more resentment towards me. Soon after BD, he had disconnected from everyone family, friends, kids...but 4 months after BD he improved and started reconnecting with friends and with the kids but I am still the "enemy." If it wasn't for me he would be happy according to him. I'm still amazed how someone who was so loving and affectionate can throw away everything, everyone thought we would be the last couple in the world to split up, they envied us.... i dunno how MLCers block all the good memories from the past 10 years of marriage and only recycle the bad ones? Maybe, it's a lesson for me as well, God trying to teach me to always appreciate what you have because you can lose it in an instant. The last thing in the world I thought I would lose would be my marriage...
I'm sorry you find yourself here Maddy. It won't always hurt like it hurts right now. Stay true to yourself and KNOW this has nothing to do with you. This is HIS crisis and it was always boiling under the surface. Not a damn thing you coulda done to prevent it.
Use this time to take an honest look at yourself and what things you want in this life. You have been given a gift, even though it feels like the absolute opposite. Few people are given the chance to reroute their lives midway. Focus on those dreams you always had for you, but family and marriage sidetracked you.
The key to surviving for those left behind is creating a better life/more authentic life than the one we had. Your old life is dead. Dig deep and find that teenage girl who had lots of dreams and hopes for her life.
You may have lost the man/the marriage... but, you haven't lost YOU.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It's called gaslighting, Maddy....from the movie Gaslight. He's trying to convince you that YOU are just suspicious and crazy, rather than fess up to his affair.
And of course, he has to find fault with you in order to justify his affair. The more ancient and ridiculous the complaints, the greater the likelihood that this has nothing to do with you.
While he's in crisis, you can't control what he does, but you can control what path YOU take. Take stock: have you put your ambitions on hold for his? Are there things you need to do to protect yourself and your kids financially? Are there improvements to your health/wardrobe/hairstyle that need doing? Is there something you always wanted to do that got lost in marriage and motherhood?
I know this sounds like I'm assuming that your marriage won't work out, but that's not yrue. In fact, your marriage has a much better chance of surviving if you start leading an interesting life, than if you cling and cry. Let HIM wonder what you're out doing on Saturday night. Be mysterious. Be unpredictable.
sorry you find yourself here..but this is a good place to get support and understanding of MLC
Your H does have a lot of the signs and you have already received a lot of good suggestions
It is a hard time especially at the start try to take care of yourself and your kids keep things as Normal for them as possible get sleep, eat and rest therapy is very helpful and know this crises is not about you it is them and unresolved childhood issues..they have to work through but many of them don't do the work..and they can't be told they only want to play and relive a time in their life that is gone
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
