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#2618943 10/25/15 01:05 AM
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Hello everyone.

I haven' t post in a long time. I have left the circus and moved on without him. This thread is about my observation of people I have met since my separation.

I was invited for supper tonight by a friend of my brother-in-law. Him and my sister also attended. All I knew of his past was that he is a construction contractor and his wife left him for someone else. He is from down south and has moved here to start over. Tomorrow is his birthday. he will be 67. The supper was for his birthday and also to say good bye to my sister and brother-in-law who will be leaving for Arizona Wednesday until the end of April. This gentlemen has come and helped me and my family to redo my roof a few weeks ago. He has also come to my sister to help build a garage last month. He is very nice and kind to all of us and fits in nicely with us.
Now, back to tonight. I met my sister at her place and jumped in with them to go to **' s place. Here is what I saw when we entered the driveway: A tractor trailer' s box ( his kitchen and bed ), a prospector tent ( his shower/bucket ) a wood stove and a table with 5 lawn chairs, a shed that he calls his condo which is 12x20 and will be is new temporary home to replace the tent.. This man had a company worth millions and lost EVERYTHING. He came here with nothing and is starting from scratch at 67 years old !!!!! I couldn' t believe what I was seeing. And to top it off, he is happy. He loves it out there. He gave it all up and he is living life with his new friends which is us.

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Update on my brother for people who followed my posts... It is with sadness that I announce to you his passing last month. He was diagnose with liver cancer and his health deteriorated really quickly. 2 weeks Prior , he married woman4 which no one kept contact with. I am still very close to my ex-sister-in-law ( his first wife for 30 years ). we always kept contact.

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I am sorry for your loss. It's never easy when you have a family member pass away. May he rest in peace.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am sorry for your loss. Please accept my sympathies.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Dating ???? Not much luck in that department. I dated a co-worker for 9 months and was soon dropped when I turned down buying a business with him. I gave it another try in September just to be told he wanted me to be a friend with benefit. No string attached.. ?????? He was inappropriate on-line, with me and it raised some serious questions in me!!! I AM NOT LIKE THAT and he knew that.. it is one of the reason he respect me so much and yet demand it of me??? By doing so, I have lost respect for him. At work, some days are ok and some are not. I had resigned but my boss refused it. Apparently, I am worth more to the business than I thought. I am very grateful to them. They are very flexible with me and with time, things will be back to normal. Right now, if the tension is to high between me and " co-worker ", I leave the store and go back later. As long as my work is done, my boss has no problem with it.

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Update 6 years and 8 months after BD..
I needed advice or help, anything, concerning the present state me and my kids are in and I asked ex-husband if we could talk in person. I am considering moving away and the kids are in on it.
I won' t give you details but I will give you observations and stunning awakening he has brought up in our conversation.

His words: You are the parent they have always known cause I was working in the bush then as a cop away from home most of the time. You are all they have. They refuse to come live with me and I don' t blame them. I know why and I understand completely.
Your family are good to and for them unlike mine who I have tried to hide from them because of shame I have towards them. I am not a good example when it comes to drinking cause I drink a lot (he could not keep eye contact on this one. he looked sad and shameful). He agree on us moving out of this town (WOWWWW !!! every time this came up, a HUGE fight followed )
He is trying to convince us into moving closer to him. We do not want that. The kids said he would control our every moves and would get from one bad situation into another. I believe them. They have a lot more contact with him than me. In fact, my contact with him is less than 1/ month.

Well, if you have been with me since day one, you will see how HUGE this is. He doesn't blame us anymore. He listen and participates in solving problems with the kids and with me. He has been doing a lot of positive towards the kids like dropping in at work to say hi, buying grocery for our University daughter and spending the evening with her and her boyfriend. ( she said it was weird but at the same time, very nice smile ) All 4 children are getting the good side of ex- husband and I am so thankful and hopeful that it will continue.
that is it for now..

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I'm glad he's starting to make an effort to be there for his children a bit. Hopefully this is the start of him actually waking up and realizing the damage that's been done.

I'm glad he's agreed to the move for you and your children. I hope everything works out for you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hoping you are well. Sending you good vibes. Nothing to add but hugs.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks! In my discussion with ex- husband, i started with telling him everything each of us were facing. Me and everyone individually. It seems this town has offered everything there was and now, it s running dry. Kids are getting older, college and University will be here once again for the 2 middle one. They both want to go where daughter 1 is. The courses they both want are offered there and daughter1 has been trying to convince us to move closer to her. I, myself am planning of moving around there for my final move once the kids are on their own. With everyghing surrounding us right now, it seems like going now would be benificial to all of us with the exception of ex- husband being here. We would be 5 hours away instead of 30 min.
So many doors and opportunities are rising out of nowhere and i m very aware and attentive. We need darkness to see the light ... smile

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I would like to start a thread where everybody can share their experience years later.

I am 7 years into it. I have a daughter in her third year of University. My son is graduating high school. my second daughter will enter grade 11 this year and my third daughter will be entering grade 8.
I have been a business manager for 5 years. Daughter2 is working for me. My son is employed at a sawmill, full time for the summer. My oldest has been hired by the town Hall where she lives. Everybody is doing great.

Ex-Husband is still a police sergeant. Still drinks but shows signs of moderation. He has made contact with me through the kids. Not much has been said. Just casual hello and keeping himself updated on my house reno. ( I had many this past winter. New water heater, new furnace, finish the basement, new roof and digging the whole front for sealing cracks in the foundation).
A couple of interaction happened at the store as he came to see Daughter2 while I was there.( did not usually happen). Daughter2 said it was weird, the way he looked at me. ( starred)" It was like he was checking you out ??" lol

The second time, I did not see him but he saw me. She ask if I saw him and I said no. Again, She said he kept looking at me for a long period of time.

The third, the expression in his eyes were so tender and loving that I became uneasy.. My co-worker enquired if it was my ex. He said yes. He said he could tell from the look on his face. My immediate reaction was " I know, weird right?" " I don' t know what to think or how to feel"

Anyway, small interaction spread out. maybe once or twice a month.

We got into a small feud because I buy our son a second hand car to travel to work. I got quiet and let him say what he had to say in his angry tone. then, I texted him my response, explaining the why I did it. For me, him and son. He needs it to get to work. He has a 20 minutes commute. It is a good job and a good wage. Son will be making his paiements to me. Once ex heard of the whole story, and also got to see the car, he was ok with it and also pleased..

that is it for now.

Please, give us your updates on here! I would love to hear from you all.

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oops, I left out my inner self. I am still single and have no intention of entering a relationship at this point. I have dated a man for 9 months, last year and it messed me up. I carry many ghost from the past and can' t seem to control my fears and anxiety. i'm ok with friends but not in a relationship. ( weird)
I know I can love again but I am very insecure and feel unworthy when my insecurities rise. I have trust and believe issues. My view of being a couple as also changed. In my younger days, I was looking for a life partner to build a family and future with but now, I have those things and I am still very family oriented therefor, I find it difficult to bring someone new into the mix.
for the most part, I am very please with everything. I still get sad sometimes. I take a look back and soon realise that our lives is way better this way. I' m still growing and battleing a few of my inner demons ( anger, anxiety and depression ). This latest relationship set me back a bit. Eventho I am the one who ended it. So, like I said, relationship? not now. I am not ready nor want to right now.

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Me I'm heading into third year aniversary.

His time lines off, the little I see he makes out we were long dead but then winds the clock back in the hurts makes out the happy time was where it still is. He's still attached jmho, weird and sometimes I think very much mlc.

Power works lagging behind where I would like it, but he continues to say no. His action regardless of words Or intention he's making the process far longer.

Originally he had ow, and accidentally confessed but then back tracked and talked like he was a child in 2 seperate voices, threatened to kill himself if I didn't allow him to be with his soul mate ow.

The whole last year of the marriage maybe a little more I kept saying I'm not your mother and gems like your an adult and you know how to behave and right from wrong.

Things moved on for me big time when I met the bf, who's sweet and gentle. He was from a death rather than a divorce.

On the plus side my life is now calm and peaceful, no one drama that hasn't been centered around the d. I get the impression he's wanting to keep me as plan b, but he seems unable to accept I don't really care and have moved on.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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I' m happy to see that you did not dwell on this like I did. You have also met someone GOOD!
I have spent so much time trying to understand and looking for the whys that eventho it seemed to help at the time, today, I realise it has hurt me in the long run. It took away time I could have used to heal myself. to forgive and forget. It was so crazy for 3 and a half years, with his rapid cycling, I really thought I would go nuts over this and in some ways, I have. I gain knowledge. Too much knowledge to the point where I see traits in many, many people and it scares me. My best friends are 60 plus. I feel safe around them and we laugh so much. I am 45 years old. I cannot find anyone my age with whom I can hang out without them having other motives. Around here, they want nothing serious. A come and go kinda thing. Not for me. These situation do not fit with my morals and value. I am respected exactly because of those morals and values and I have no intention of shaming myself. I believe my ex' s MLC has started this way. By breaking his own rules and destroying himself and his values. He created his inner battle. His addiction versus his inner self. All of it is INSIDE ONE PERSON. It is my interpretation of it, common sense in a way and this has made me create healthy boundaries for myself but it has also made me very lonely. I am extremely set and my ways and so be it if it means saving me from destruction. It keeps me at peace! My inner peace!

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I'm older so I just decided I give it so long as the ow was already on the scene for about 6months before I knew.
He chose her, and was really Nasty about it.

So I took a friends advice use a year to re group and heal. She knew I had lost myself along the way. Yes I cycled bad too. I had a few r before and know the way xh2 was behaving he would just continue to flaunt the ow. So I just decided to gal and see what happened. Bf wife had died and even tho was young had found only nut bags online.

Things have clicked and so far it works. There is an issue of him finding good work that regular where I live isn't easy to get this. So this could be the one major issue.


After a year I had gotten to a point where I missed to many things about marriage. I had already decided that I would grab any opportunity that came my way.

As silly as it sound but a comfort rub on the back in bed, I missed most. Which according to xh2 there was no intimacy (well he meant touch and really more the sex) which wasn't true.

So many things were odd compared to any other break up like him having that conversation and the fact his taste in food completely changed. Food he had never liked he bought home raving about. He bought a large high performance family car, even tho his son had left home and mine was about to. So many things things were just odd.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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And yes I Over think things and see stuff about people that I didn't before.

Though I do think if I watch actions now more than words they were always like that but now I'm more aware in some cases.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Quote:
see stuff about people that I didn't before.

Though I do think if I watch actions now more than words they were always like that but now I'm more aware in some cases.
Sounds like a bit of wisdom there to me smile The trick is to not become so jaded and hurt that you can never open up again, right?

Put another way, now that you see things you didn't before (experience) can you still trust again? And if so, how much?

I think the real shame of MLC or just people in general is the betrayal of those that were closest - friends, kids, spouses, family etc. when they head off the rails on the crazy train. It becomes a real issue if we let it and aren't able to overcome and have healthy, trusting relationships again.

Fortunately, we're not wired that way. Not wired to remain in that world. We spend some time there as long as needed, but it never lasts for most. It does take effort, but that's life, right? smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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I walked on 26 June 2014 then DB.

The DB was for me. WH was a gambler, womaniser, drinker and obsessed golfer. He ranted and abused me. Heventually had at least 5 OW, possibly more.

WH left on 2 May 2015.

I locked him out of my life completely. I am not charming the snake, charming the snake won't stop it from biting you.

I am NC, totally dark. I have no intention of having this man in my life ever again. Done. Completely.

I wish him well, I truly do.

Be well far away from me.

He is blocked in every way possible from my life. Phone, email and FB. Yet still he tries to control.

I have no love just a vacuum, and an annoyance that I didn't spot it.

I suffer quite badly from complex PTSD about this. I have traumas and am very afraid he will harm me. He is capable.

So I keep on the move and stay safe.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Vanilla, Thank you so much for sharing your update.
I also suffer from this but I wouldn' t say it is ptsd for me. It is more of an intolerance to anger and not in a good way. Anxiety rise inside of me even if the anger is not even towards me. I cannot be around it AT ALL. I feel for the recipient and no matter the situation, voices should not be raise. i' m an empath. I freeze and shelter myself until it is safe to approach the recipient. To me, whatever happened is irrelevant. the situation should be handle better and no-one deserve to be yield at. It puts me in difficult situation at time cause I try to be the peace keeper and I get caught in the middle. I' m looking for a new job at the moment exactly for that reason. the atmosphere at the store is too much for me to bare. Work is great, co-workers, on the other hand seem to fight for power to nowhere.. i' ve had enough. yielling and screaming is NOT how you promote yourself just to prove a pointless point. I wish I was different and yet, I know my kindness has an impact. I love and dislike myself for it..
What would you call someone like me?

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I had long winded word salads in a loud voice sometime for over an hour, in the end I could not take it.

I have been remotely poking xh2 buttons, so I can get my stettlement thru. I pressed the button and he ran, like hell so I'm hoping it will work in my favour. He talks as if I left him, he hasn't remotely grieved the m at all. He still in his mind thinks he has control.

He won't do or grant anything I want out of spite or punishment for precided sins, never mind him cheating with the ow!


M 46 h54
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Ms 18 hs 26
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Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
Vanilla, Thank you so much for sharing your update.
I also suffer from this but I wouldn' t say it is ptsd for me. It is more of an intolerance to anger and not in a good way. Anxiety rise inside of me even if the anger is not even towards me. I cannot be around it AT ALL. I feel for the recipient and no matter the situation, voices should not be raise. i' m an empath. I freeze and shelter myself until it is safe to approach the recipient. To me, whatever happened is irrelevant. the situation should be handle better and no-one deserve to be yield at. It puts me in difficult situation at time cause I try to be the peace keeper and I get caught in the middle. I' m looking for a new job at the moment exactly for that reason. the atmosphere at the store is too much for me to bare. Work is great, co-workers, on the other hand seem to fight for power to nowhere.. i' ve had enough. yielling and screaming is NOT how you promote yourself just to prove a pointless point. I wish I was different and yet, I know my kindness has an impact. I love and dislike myself for it..
What would you call someone like me?


I will find your thread to read. I would like to marinade.

We have many similarities.


You may wish to read Jellyb journey and examine her successful transition. There arent many threads and they are great covering her journey.

Please give me time as this deserves a structured thinking.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
Vanilla, Thank you so much for sharing your update.
I also suffer from this but I wouldn' t say it is ptsd for me. It is more of an intolerance to anger and not in a good way. Anxiety rise inside of me even if the anger is not even towards me. I cannot be around it AT ALL. I feel for the recipient and no matter the situation, voices should not be raise. i' m an empath. I freeze and shelter myself until it is safe to approach the recipient. To me, whatever happened is irrelevant. the situation should be handle better and no-one deserve to be yield at. It puts me in difficult situation at time cause I try to be the peace keeper and I get caught in the middle. I' m looking for a new job at the moment exactly for that reason. the atmosphere at the store is too much for me to bare. Work is great, co-workers, on the other hand seem to fight for power to nowhere.. i' ve had enough. yielling and screaming is NOT how you promote yourself just to prove a pointless point. I wish I was different and yet, I know my kindness has an impact. I love and dislike myself for it..
What would you call someone like me?


I will respond to you here.

Please give me time.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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You currently have two threads going and they've not reached the posting/reply limit of 100. As a reminder, please keep your threads to one at a time until you've reached 100 postings/replies.

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Well. I gave my notice at work today. My anxiety has gotten the best of me for the past 3 days. My nerves are shot and my patience has left me. I tried to keep to myself but a co-worker of mine pushed me to my limit.
I have apply to many employment opportunities. Something will eventually come up. For now, I am taking a well deserve holiday!!! smile

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My M died in 2009 just didn't see it. I would have stayed in the marriage if she didn't file and divorced me. She had more balls than I did I guess. I don't think she cheated and I know I did not. We just went different directions. I miss what I had. A family. A W and child to come to. In laws. My doggies. Two incomes. It was all gone in 16 months. Mutual friends and family had takened sides. Hard to believe. I still have nightmares wishing that that is all it was. But a bad dream it was not. It is my life today.

My life today....I remarried a woman 11 years younger than me who is gorgeous. Been married 1 year. I kept the house and able to pay the mortgage. Last Saturday I bought a new car and paid for it in full.Cash. I have 1 full time job and 3 consulting jobs. I have started my own business.

I stopped worrying about what ifs. God has a plan and I will just let him lead.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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well, so much for progress.. set back once again.
Ex- husband sold his Jeep and car to purchase abrand 4runner for current little lady and a brand new truck for him. Fine. Nice. He has plan to take our kids to Canada' s wonderland. Son is not interested in going. He has told ex-husband 3 times NO and was getting aggravated. Son just started working not long ago and we just purchased a car for him. He needs the income.

Yesterday, ex-husband calls me and tell me about a possible financial crisis coming soon. The votes are in and they are going on strike without pay. ( hum.. does not make sense to me ). He gives me the "Poor me, I don' t know how i' m gonna do this and since you and the kids will be affected, thought i' ld let you know! also, I don' t have much myself. This trip has been put on my credit card. could you give the kids a bit of money?

Yesterday, Me and daughter3 go to the bank and walk by a 4runner. she sais:" look, this is like dad' s one". we walk in and there he is at the cash machine. daughter goes to him and I continue to the counter. he said hi and kept taking care of his business while on the phone. she stood there waiting. once I was done, I walked outside and she joined me. we waited out there for at least 10 minutes. while there, I saw that little lady was in the truck. she could not even look at us.
ex- husband finally walk out and right away starts talking about son. " What is with him? what' s up with the attitude? looks like he could use a slap in the head".
me: " what!!!??? " " he told you 3 times he did not want to go. He is working those days and can not afford to miss work."

And there it was!! HUGE fight over the child support and accusation of my money management. I got sooooo angry. we yield at one another right there in the middle of the street and I walked away, pissed. Once home, the texting match started.

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" When you are aware of potential finance problem, a responsible adult DO NOT SPEND RETARDESLY!!!! he get prepare and sells stuff if needed.
now, isn' t little lady your partner? How does she contribute in this. Shouldn' t she be trying to work WITH you to make sure it does not happen? HER- NOT ME. you discarded me. you keep telling me that your choices are none of my business. TRUE !! But your problems are also YOURS, NOT MINE !!

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Sounds like the xh is having some money problems. He apparently isn't doing any financial planning and is spending the money as quickly as he gets it. If money is tight, most normal people would cancel the vacation and stay at home. That's his problem if he doesn't have any money and I would certainly not cough up any money to help him out.

Your son sounds more responsible than your xh or his honey dew. If your son is working and has financial responsibilities of his own, then he has every right to say no to the trip and your xh needs to leave it alone. As for your other child...your xh will need to come up w/some money for the vacation since he's the one that is making this happen.

I also think he's nuts to even think about spending any unnecessary funds at this time if there is going to be some issues at work. But again, rational, mature people would not be out here spending left and right.

I wouldn't get into any more discussions w/him about the finances except to keep my eye on the support money. If he doesn't come thru, you may have to take him back to court. In many ways he's having to face the consequences of his actions and I guess honey dew will need to get a job or a couple of jobs to help sugar daddy out a bit.

Keep moving forward and try to engage w/him again about his money issues. Keep the focus on you and your children.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Anything to stir the pot...
After our fight in main street and our back and forth texting, our agreement was:
I was going to visit my oldest with the kids and my friend ( who is my oldest' s future mother in-law ). We were going to have Saturday evening and Sunday to go hiking with them and I would leave my 2 other daughters there where he would pick them up Sunday evening. I WAS NOT going to contribute financially for it. Well, you guessed it. He texted my oldest daughter to say he would be there by noon. EVERYONE GOT QUIET !!
I was upset, angry and not a bit surprised. So, me and my friend left in the morning of Sunday and my son ( who used his own car because he left a day prior to me ) was right behind me. He was suppose to bring them back tonight and they arrived home last night.. I asked how come they were back already? They said they could not find a place to sleep.. wow.. good planning ???

Even after 7 years, he does not stop amazing me!
Peace should be restore for a while now until his child support catches up to him. Thank you for family responsibility Office!!!

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Their " strike " is apparently up and running.. the funny thing is that no one else heard about it. Not even the news. Not even their website. Lol..

Remember everyone... don' t beleive what they tell you. They will get you right back on the roller coaster. He had me ranting and go financial info from me.. he got me!!!! Arrrrrgggg.. lol

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Humm?? I might be in trouble. I have been on sick leave for the past 3 weeks, with an indefinite date of return. Major events happening at work and i don' t know what is gonna happen to me or to the others. Board of labour is on the verge to intervene.
I have not heard from my other, apparently, new job.
Ex-H text that i have received tonight:

" Without saying anything else. I'm letting you know that I have maybe three pay's left before the service is on picket line. Meaning off payroll with the possibility of the police service shutting down completely.
It has been confirm as yeaterday."

Oh sh*t.. this mean no income and no support for the rest of the summer.. i might have to return to work and face the music.. gosh.. i had 2 weeks to go and was able to cope only for 1 with the help of anxiety med.. the second week, i ended up in emerg with chest pain and high blood pressure. I was put off right away.
Options: find another job. Which i have been trying to OR ask my companie to relocate and start over elsewhere or go back to work here and hope i don' t crash. By the way, it is not my job, it is the atmosphere beetwin employees.. way pass drama. Problematic. Yelling, fighting, treats, set up. It is ridiculous.
I do not want to return.. God, please!!!!

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My favorite quote:
It is what it is and it will be what I make it.
As long as we have a roof over our head, food on the table and clothes on our back, We have nothing to worry about.

I panic for a bit and get back on track eventually. That is me. My high and lows. smile

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Me, now, today..

My x-h crisis has hit me like a ton of bricks. The way I see it today is: I loved the person I was post bomb. I was a good wife, a good mother with strong family values and my accomplishment in my roles of mother and wife were my pride. His crisis took all of it away including my future. It made my past a lie and my present, a living hell. The battle it created for me was to get through what I thought was a perfect life, say goodbye to it and re-start all over. Rediscover myself. Not as a wife or mother but as an individual. Because without those, I was nothing. Everyone came first and it was ok. I was not miserable nor sad. it was what made me happy. My devotion and hard work was rewarded in good intentions and good behaviors.

The changes I worked on in me, eventho I said over and over on this board that I wanted to be me again, were: Have a voice, Have an opinion, My feelings matters as much as everyone else's feelings, STAND UP for yourself.

The results of those changes are: I attract people who are struggling because I listen, I care, I say a few words, I won' t leave until they are calm. I make them think for themselves. Their solution is inside each and everyone of them.

I have become judgemental. I am surrounded by MLCer and I refuse to have anything to do with them. in a way, it is sad because they are struggling as much as the LBS. I will associate with the LBS and their family without hesitation. I see injustice and I get upset and feel the need to address it. As a mother of fact, I just did, at work. I stood up for myself and other co- workers. As a result, my boss looks up to me and wants my opinion on many business related issues. He ask for my thought and vision for the future of the store. Those are all positives. The final word and decision is his. BUT, by standing up for myself, someone else got fired. That, I don' t like. Peace is restored and the staff is no longer on edge and fighting but I can' t help feeling sorry and responsible for the stuggle of this particular ex-employee.

In life, there are good days, bad days, hi and lows, luck and bad luck, rain and sunshine. On my bad days, I call it that: one of those days. on good days: Wow, What a day!!!!!!
All of us are good and bad. It is in us. I am working on my judgement of others. Including judging myself.

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Another thought that keeps coming back in my head is: It is all in the way we look at it, the way we see it, 2 sides

Example of this : My life was perfect, for my Ex-H, it was not.

His affair ladies were little ladies to me, I had no respect what so ever for any of them. To him, they were treasures.

to me, his leaving was the biggest mistake of his life. To him, it was a solution, since he attached his misery onto us.

Now, in the situation at work: Confrontation was this ex-co-workers way of doing things to get the results he was looking for. To me, it was not the way to do it. He wanted the respect of ALL staff members but showed no respect to anyone. many walked out crying or quitting because of him. He was unpleasable. Ring a bell????? I met my chance to grow when I met him. He put me to the test of a lifetime in regards of my growth. I tried sooooo hard to make him see everybody else' s worth. I have tried to " change " his approach but he refused saying : " I am who I am and I like me. If you don' t like it, it is on you! ". ( kinda of what we tell our MLCer! ) It shook me up. I started thinking that I was in the wrong. That I had no right to try changing the situation. I felt paralyzed and could not see myself making any difference. That, once again, my opinion was just an opinion and it did not matter. I could not stand seeing good hard-working friends and associates being treated this way. Including me !! I quit. In my mind, if I could not handle his way of doing things, I had to leave. This store is not mine and it is not up to me to decide what is right or wrong or how things should be done. I accept it or I leave. I left. Business went down 7.5 % over the summer. Not only was this Ex-co-worker fighting with the staff but his own work was left to desire. He was giving up. Digging his grave even deeper and he lost his job over it while I got mine back.

Who is right and who is wrong?? If he was to write his story, I am sure it would not sound like this one!! It is the same for MLCer and our story as a LBS.

Different views, different analysis, different circumstances, different opinions, different approach, different situation... !!!

The label of depression should be re-worded to: the beginning of a long journey toward insight and enlightenment. Or maybe it should be the words for Midlife-crisis. Both side are working on this. Only in a different way, a different journey.

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oh, one more thing, lol, is this what acceptance looks like? Is this MY awakening stage? or am I has confused as ever? lol
The future will tell !

Last edited by job; 09/19/16 03:09 PM. Reason: Merged threads
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Question for you all, i have just read in a comment from a lady that her husband felt like a virus that destroys lives.. the article was titled: "when a man hates himself, he takes it out on the woman who loves him. Always remember this." And instead of making changes, had and affair,=left her and his daughter.

I remembered mine saying:" every good thing in my life, everything i touch, goes to hell or turns to sh*t."

Have any of you heard something similar? Could it be a red flag of the beginning of mlc?

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My XW once said:

"I could just vanish and nobody would care."


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Similar. My XH would talk about how he "failed" at things. Said, "I have nothing". As we were packing up our house that had sold (part of our mediation agreement) he had a breakdown; sobbing and clutching at me, and saying that he was not "worthy".

I agree that they feel the need to take things out at times on someone else. I work with a student who has violent behaviors. He is on the spectrum and has trust and communication issues. But he has come a long way in the 7 years I've worked with him and very seldom hurts people now. He looks to me and my work mate when he feels confused or afraid. But when he feels the need to lash out at someone, he will walk away from the person who he is angry or afraid of and seek out me or the workmate to hit or attack...he knows we are "safe" and will still be there after all is said and done, even if there are repercussions and consequences.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Quote:
oh, one more thing, lol, is this what acceptance looks like? Is this MY awakening stage? or am I has confused as ever? lol

FWIW, IMO, this is start of acceptance.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Tad, was it prior to BD?
mine was. I had pointed out to him that I was proud of us. we had a beautiful family. even though our house was not a castle, it still was much more beautiful than the houses we grew up in. Our kids had an easier childhood than ours because we made it this way. We had a strong relationship. ( that conversation was my first " oh-oh" moment " he disregarded everything I said and turned it into NOT GOOD ENOUGH ) Oh well, IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO ME AND IT IS STILL ENOUGH TO ME.. smile


ciluzen, I believe their words could be link to MLC. Their depressive thoughts and unhappiness prior to self medication. your student story is very interesting and does reflect that article. so many similarities in different settings.

Eric, my biggest obstacle was accepting this new lifestyle. being on my own. accepting that some aspect had to suffer or be neglected so that i could keep giving my children the life they knew. the lifestyle they were accustomed to. I carried a huge amount of resentment concerning this. It took me a long time to let go and find appreciation for this new life. today, I would not change a thing ! smile

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Yes, it was prior to bomb drop. I remember thinking that she was crazy for even thinking such a thing. I loved her dearly and couldn't even imagine what would make her say that.

After bomb drop, but before she left, she even admitted to being "broken."

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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I'd also like to add that in addition to depression, I think a lot of people in MLC suffer from self-esteem issues. According to my XW she was never:

Pretty enough
Dark enough
Smart enough
Thin enough
Good enough

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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I agree... they turned the situation onto us. We became a reflexion of how they felt. The re-writing was their way of trying to make sense of how they felt and the spewing was a way of releasing some of it.. but until you understand it, you beleive them... it is not easy to grasp but makes so much sense now...

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I have been living my life off of the MLC radar for quite a while now. Jack' s news brought me back here. Re-reading posts, comments, pieces of wisdom. Of course, a lot of fog has been lift off. I wanted to see if, after all these years, I could have done anything differently now that I have all this knowledge.

My answer is no. Do I believe I have pushed him away? My answer is yes. Why? My boundaries.

It was simple: OW, no me.
Spewing, truth dart
Abuse, Cops
Kids feel upset, i' m there

I won' t lie. I had mixed feelings about the board. Even though I got so much information, a lot of this info did not fit with me. I often wondered if I did not have all this info, would it have been easier to get through? Ex- husband would have been seen as a monster and I would I have ended it sooner?
The answer is also no. Monster would have killed me. He came very close. My children and THIS BOARD saved me.

Do I believe marriages can be restored? Obviously, yes! BUT, marriage is a COMMITMENT made by TWO people. Unless your MLCer is making attempted to re-connect, you have no option other than moving on.

IMO, People who chose to stand put themselves in a lot of un-necessary pain. Get support, heal and let it go. Let the future unfold.

Concentrate on yourself, your children, your family. If it is meant to be, it will happen. You can deal with it when it comes. Do not live years waiting to see if this time might be it. Let it be.

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Also, we all wonder at one point if we are having a MLC ourselves. The difference is in our behaviors. NEVER FORGET THIS! You are having a crisis. You lives has been turned upside down. Will you cause more destruction, will you self- medicate, will you abandon it all? Will you cope and grow? Will you take care of business on hand? Will you be a good parent? This is all up to you.

Again, with all the info I have, let see... let' s do the journey. I looked back into my childhood. I looked at my up- bringing. My childhood pains. The lessons I have taken with me. I am proud to say I am definitely not a MLCer. I have been given these cards and I have to deal with them the best I can so that we have a great outcome. We made it!!! Our story is on going but the storm is over....

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I have a request.. we all know piecing is hard. Some of us do not want to stand any longer. Entering a new relationship is also hard. The goals are not the same anymore. We are not looking to save a unit that is no longer but we are trying to find someone who would be willing to finish the journey with us. It is not an easy road.. is there a thread on the subject? Is there references to help with fears and emotions related to dating after being out of the dating world for 20-30 years??

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Hi Exquisitetobe, the Surviving the Big D section on this forum is pretty good for discussing the joys and challenges of dating. Most on that part of the forum are already D'd and dipping a toe into the dating pool.

:-) xx


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Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you Sotto! smile I will t'check it out...

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Seems like this might be the end of my journey in regard of MLC.
Ex-H and I hardly interact and imo, this is for the best. Now, considering the next step.. The dating world.. Boy, things are not what they use to be.. Moving to Surviving the Big D..

For all of you who would like to read my story, here is my very first post..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...192#Post2175192

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I am in, yet another period of heavy thinking..
some thoughts are good and some are bad. I' m on a plateau with no sense of direction. Lately, I am not living, I only exist.
I need to find motivation.

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Hi Exquisitetobe, I think it is useful to have these reflective phases. One thing I have really tried to do is take on the 'responsibility for me' mantle and let go of the XH stuff. My life is mine to live now and how well I live it is up to me.

I didn't really take to the whole 'sit with a blank piece of paper and think about goals' thing. But last Xmas, someone bought me a pretty little notebook and it became my goals book. If I think of something I would like to do, I write it at the top of a new page. then just below it, I write the first step I can take. Next time, something pops into my head, I grab the book and update it. I have 15 or so goals on the go at the moment. These include - learning to dance, arranging a holiday next year, making time to care for Mum, keeping in touch with old friends, getting finances organised....and so on.

When I feel myself drifting, I grab the book and update it. I think it has helped me move forward and I do feel a sense of achievement when I have done the goal and tick off a whole page...

What direction would you like your life to go in now? You are mistress of your own ship and destiny.....xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks Sotto!

I am over my ex-h. He has his life and we have ours. I have no interest in him.

" Responsibility for me ".. This is where I am putting most of my thinking into. Life is fine. We are living well. Soon (2 to 5 years), I will be alone. All my children will be gone. I already find myself very lonely and I do know I want to relocate. I am bored with my life at the moment. I need a change. Unfortunately, I can' t put my plan in action at the moment. It would disrupt my children"s education and work. We have discuss it and came to the conclusion to wait until they are set on their own. Easier and safer financially.

A very good friend of mine asked for my resume yesterday. Her boss required it. This might be the change I need. A brand new career. On my own with no responsibility of other employees. No more hamster wheel in my head 24-7. I would leave business management for Warehouse attendant at a mine. A 10 dollar/hre increase and a 5-5-4 rotation schedule. hummm??? Pros and cons.. I need a piece of paper.. smile

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Insight:

What have we learned from our journey and all of us here?

EVERYBODY wants the same things. We want to feel : loved, wanted, desired, validated, appreciated, have a sense of purpose, belonging, be supported emotionally, be understood, we want others to care about us and the way we feel.... and so much more..

MLCer and LBS both want this. Children, parents, grand-parents, all of us here, everybody we meet want this..

TO GET IT, WE NEED TO GIVE IT!!!!! it all start with a smile and people smile back..

My personal struggle is I am secluded and reserved. Being friendly is not a problem. Give my all and sharing all of me is..

that' s it for today.. smile

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Quote:

My personal struggle is I am secluded and reserved. Being friendly is not a problem.


Me too!

The biggest thing that I've learned:

You can't control others...

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Well,well,well.. Ex-h and I had a talk last night when he brought D3 back. We talked about Son' s registration to College which will be finalised tomorrow. To my surprise, Ex-H knew nothing about it. Not even the field Son wants to study in..
????? I was shocked. Son lives with him during the week for work and here on week-ends. I assumed their relationship was solid. Ex-H said Son is always in his room or with friends. He does not see him nor talk to each other much.. He asked about each of the children and I realised he is not aware of anything concerning their lives. WOW!! their relationship seems superficial. Weird?? I feel very fortunate for my relationship with them..

Since this conversation went well, I expected him to make contact soon after.. Guess what? He just called.
He wanted to discuss the kids savings account.. hummmm???
I was very vague. Every time this subject comes along, I tell him the same thing: " When we separated, their security and education was my priority." It is all taken care of.

He replied with: " The government and the service reached and agreement. I am getting a 2 year back pay adjustment. I want to give you $** *** to do what you want with it. separate it beetwen them 4 or keep it for yourself, it is yours.

me: it will go to them. it does not belong to me.

Ex-H: they are under your care, under your roof. it could help pay for the boiler, water tank, sewage problems and roofing work you have done in the house last year.

(( he thinks I am living on a credit line )i' m not. I really good at budgeting and that is why I am successful as a business manager..lol )

me: I will divide it among them 4. Thank you very much!!

small talk, a few laugh and that was it.

This call was quite long. I know I should not expect anything but he is so predictable. I am SURE I get another call by the week-end.. I'll let you know! smile

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By the way, This is the FIRST TIME he put money in their account; since birth. BIG bonus point for Ex-H on this one.. A big Positive.

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I am very glad to read that he's putting money in their account. This is a huge positive. Miracles do happen around the holiday season.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well, he is on his way over... i' m nervous...

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That was quick!! Not much to say. He handed a Huge cheque and $2000.00 cash. Told me to keep the cheque for myself since I did all this reno on the house and at the end of it all, it will eventually go back to the children. He wants me to give $500.00 to each child with a tag that sais FROM THE BOTH OF US.( mom & dad )..

This is weird.. very nice of him but weird none the less. He brought D3 to the store as I write this. I do not expect more talk between us tonight. Probably a phone call tomorrow to see if I went to the bank. that' s pretty much it..

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I forgot to mention... OW is still present and living with him.

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Daughter is back.. I am all messed up..
Ex-H is a jacket freak. He is to jacket what man think of women are to shoes. lol he gives the old (new) away and buys new one constantly. Back I would say 9 years ago, we bought matching SkiDoo suits. mine black and white, his orange and black. Tonight, he was wearing that jacket. He wore it last year to, a few times while coming here. I guess he wants me to know he has not discard everything about us ????

I' ll sent him a thank you note for his generosity and I will sign his name on the children' s cash money. I will be the one giving it to them. It feels wrong to be the one handing it to them.. Maybe i' ll give him back the envelope. We' ll see...

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No, don't give the envelope back to him. He may very well feel uncomfortable, ashamed and embarrassed giving them the money at this time. It appears that he's trying to avoid having to look at the disappointment and hurt on their faces because he's gone, etc. I would go ahead and give the children their envelopes and cash at Christmas. He just can't face them at this time, especially w/Christmas right around the corner...too many good memories he can't face right now.

As for the clothing, some of them don't think about what they are wearing and don't give a second thought about "matching suits", etc. He may very well just like the jacket. Don't try to over analyze his every word and move. It'll drive you crazy.

Keep the focus on you and your family.

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Acceptance?? Why do i accept my situation and i do not accept my brother' s??
He got married to OW4 one month prior to his death. He told my BIL and one of his son that this wedding was a crazy wedding to ensure OW4 would get the widdow pension .( which she did not get cause the marriage was too short and my brother was terminally heal.)
At his funeral, his older son had a chronique panick attack and we had to call the ambulance. While attending to him, my son comes to me angered and tells me the priest asked OW4 if she wanted to delay the ceremony for a few minutes until the ambulance was gone and everyone else would be present?? SHE SAID NO!!!! my brother' s 2 son missed their FATHER'S funeral..
My brother' s SUV was to be given to his Son2. Did not happen.. she has both vehicule. Last Christmas, who attended the family reunion? You guessed it.. Ow4..

Last summer, My niece got married.. who attended without invitation? Yup.. OW4.. both nephew did not show up .
This year, i hear my nephew say: This woman has been " married to my father for a month and now, i am suppose to spend all my holydays and family gattering with her? Dad' s funeral and will are not completed cause we do not want to deal with her.. She annoys me and brother.. Bro is messed up when we approach the subject. He does not want to deal with this.
Last night was our gattering... ONCE AGAIN, both nephews missing and OW4 present with her BOYFRIEND and daughter.. is it just me or is this f*cked up??? We left very early.. My son was really upset. He misses his cousins and it pisses him off that they have been put aside for her ..

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This is my next move.. no matter how anyone feels about it.. through the holyday season, i am surprising my kids with a visit to Ex-SIL and BOTH of my nephews.. no one will take them away from me.. my law: KIDS FIRST!!

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Happy New Year Everyone!!

Update of the Holidays.. This year was the warmest (feeling wise) we have had since BD. I shared my situation in regards of XH with a very religious SIL of mine. It brought tears to her eyes and she shared with me an encounter she had with him a week prior. They ran into each other up-town and he approached her to say hi and ask how she was doing. She thought it was odd of him but conversed with him anyway. Her thoughts: This is God' s work.. smile I think she is right.. Kids spent Christmas Eve with me. ( All 4 ) and EX-H picked them up on the 25th to bring them back on the 26th in the evening.

On the morning of the 25th was the opening of the gift, an afternoon as a family, followed by a supper before Ex-H arrive.
I gave the money to each children with the whole story. I explained the why " from MOM and DAD " . Again, weird but positive was their response. I told them to make sure to thank him personally and individually. They did! smile

Some of you might disagree with what I am about to share..
Going back a little way.. When EX-H' s job was threaten, I made him an offer to sign a release form for his child support. He refused. I insisted in helping him. He refused. I did not want FRO to reinforce payments. I did not want him to lose his home or truck or anything. I did not want another Rock- bottom for him. I was afraid of it. I let it be and waited to see what was going to happen. Outcome: the deal from the government and EX-H' s generosity to us.
My demands on our separation agreement are complete. Kids are financially secure and their schooling covered. Once again, I have offered complete release of EX-H' s child support form. He still refuses to sign. I told him ANYTIME he wants to stop, all he has to do is sign the form I have home. He said he would pay as long as they are going to school unless he loses his job. That is the only tie-breaker for him.

Now, it is my turn.. building for my future.. Overall, everything is above my expectation.. Great outcome. I never thought I could do it. Thank you Ex-H for your co-operation overall. You surprise me.. In bad at the beginning but for better and better as time goes by. smile We might not be a complete unit but we are good. We achieved our goal.

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I do not know if it is because I still have children living at home but even after all these years, I do not feel like my story is over in regard of my ex' s MLC. So many weird encounters with him. It will be 8 years, this June.. If son choses Sudb. College, it will be an interesting summer for me and ex-H. I know he will take charge of the move.. I need to read some more about touch and go. when I open the lines of communication with him, the children lose theirs. Would Anybody here know why??

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Maybe it is because he has a direct line of communication w/you and he doesn't have to "rely" on communication w/the children in order to feel "close and/or near" you. I know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes just being in touch w/the children keeps that one little strand of thread in place to the spouse. Maybe he has a way of slipping in comments or asking indirectly about you and what you are doing. Maybe the children are sharing some of your life w/him and don't realize that they are doing so.

It's had to say what is really going on in their minds, but some day, he might be able to tell you more about this...but that is much further down the road, if ever.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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You might be onto something.
MLC is a world of non-sense. Complicated.

The last relationship I had, D2 said he asked a lot of questions and seemed jealous. He came to the store quite often which surprised all of us. The look on his face was pure love and admiration. so much that my co-workers approached me about it. Mean while, he has a lady at home. This look is still present unless she is with him, then he is normal and casual.

I stick to reality. I see his behavior as a web. It is simple for me. Lady present in his life, no me. The way I see it, I have been replaced in regards of life partner. When a problem arise in his life, he comes to me. I bring her to life every time. lol I ask questions like: "What does she think?" "What is she doing to help you with this?" "Why can' t she do this?" "You discarded me, you traded me in for a new life partner. It is not my place to help with this." Anything that has nothing to do with the kids welfare is none of my business."
" you told me often in the beginning that your choices were none of my business, well true but this also means that your problems are yours, not ours. You need to figure this out with OW now, not me."

Last week-end, we went on a road trip to visit D21. He texted me all week-end to make sure we were safe on the road and to make sure we made it ok. roads were slippery in the morning and evenings. He is showing he cares. This kind of behavior was gone and is making a come back..

I am not sharing because I want something out of it, I am sharing to keep track regardless the outcome. Maybe to have behaviour comparisons or understanding amongst other posters?

That' s it for now..

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This is just my opinion, but it sounds like he's starting to wake up just a little bit. I would sit back and observe.

If he comes to you for assistance, I would simply say "h, you will need to decide how to handle this situation on your own." I think he doesn't trust her judgment and doesn't want her actually involved in the things that are very important to him. She's like a window dressing to his MLC life. Tossing the ow up in his face is a reminder of how much he's messed up the lives of everyone and it keeps the ow in his focus all of the time, which means he may stay w/her because there is no hope of reconciling w/you. By throwing up her name to him when he seeks your advice, it shows that you still harbor resentment and anger towards him and what he's done. Throwing the ow up in his face doesn't accomplish anything, except maybe make you feel better, but again, she's nothing but a window dressing to his MLC and if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else.

I have a question for you...if he woke up, made all of the right moves, etc., would you consider taking him back? Whether you would or not, you will still need to co-parent and you both have children and activities that you both will need to participate in now and forever, i.e., marriages, grandchildren, etc. Hold your head up, back straight and remind yourself each and every day that you are the prize. The ow is nothing more than window dressing that can be changed out on a moment's notice if he should decide to attempt reconciliation w/you (that is, if you want to try to do so).


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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From the very beginning, I said: " Give me the man he was and I would take him in a heart beat. give me the man he is now ( secretive, lying, unpredictable, unreliable...), the answer is no.

The old Husband is coming back. I see it. I agree with you. I am damaging more than helping him. I never thought of it this way. Thank you for pointing it out.

Meaning of friend, relationship partner, parenting etc.. The place someone has in your life has been a reflection of mine lately. ( brought on by the last relationship I had). I wonder if he gave me the role of "mother" for him to..

The future will tell! smile As long as the events stay positive, it will be welcome in my life. Would I take him back? I have no clue. Not yet.

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Take each day as it comes, sit quietly and the answers will be revealed to you.

If the old h is returning, it will take some time for him to feel comfortable in his skin once again. Both of you have changed so much during this journey and the both of you will be starting over again, hopefully, as friends. Take things slowly and do not rush the process and definitely leave the ow out of the mix...there will be time enough to share your thoughts/feelings, etc. w/him once he's fully awake and strong enough to listen and actually hear what you have to say.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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well. I got my answer today.. The answer is no.. I ran into someone today and his life update reminded me of how life was back when.. I really do not want it back!! Partial friendship is all I can offer ex-H.

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An interesting conversation with D2.

As you all know, ex-h got a big financial boost just before Christmas. He has purchased a 4 wheeler, a brand new truck, a boat and a camper. I' m happy for him but all this makes me wonder if our kids would not be better off with him since I will never be able to give them those things. I feel inferior and not up to par. I asked daughter if she wished we had these things. She admit missing OUR(my) cottage but she also said that he sleeps until 2 pm and by the time they could do something, the day is almost gone. They do not get to enjoy any of it. It was the same while he was here with us. Our yard was full but nothing was use unless I would take charge of it.

We discussed the positives that has been happening for the past little while and I said: " I wonder if he feel like he is running out of time towards us? He knows I want to relocate and you guys will be away on your own. I wonder if he feel like this will be it in regard of us?"

Her answer: " even if he was, it would not make sense since all the work is done now. he broke the trust, the love and respect. You raised us mom, you stood by us always! It would not work."

me: It might never happen. It might and might not be in his mind. Who knows?? Regardless, I am very proud of all of us. We have a greater outcome than the one I had envision way back. We KICK A** !!!! lol

so many weird and confusing event.. We think kids want nothing more than their parents to be together.. It is not always the case. It was not for me when I was a child and it is not for my children. This is why it is IMPORTANT to look at how we are treated and how we treat others. If we were a priority to him like he was to us, the children' s wish would be different and so would mine.

Last edited by job; 02/05/17 03:56 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
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Family day here in Canada.. D16 went to spend the week-end with her father. She said: " This is the second time we spend it alone, me and him. Nobody else but us 2. We went to Timmins on Saturday and snow shoeing on Sunday. He shared a lot of memories of you and him. Your name came up often. He said the first purchased you did when you started having a family was a Camcorder." lol yes, it was

I started sharing some recordings of them with her.. Each children have a special moment on tape. we had a good laugh but got off track about ex-H..

It makes me very happy when he dedicate his time to our children without the presence of OW and her child. It is not about jealousy. It is more about normality, closeness, sense of belonging, relationship parent-child. It is about BONDING!!

I see it in them when they come back home. They truly enjoyed themselves.

I have serious mechanical problem with my Durango. D16 mentioned it to Ex-H because me and son were also on our way to Timmins and he inquired why. We were going to look for a possible trade-in.

When Ex-H dropped her off at home, he seemed reluctant to leave. He kept me outside for awhile, talking about mechanic and warranty.... He was very kind, calm and trying to be helpful. I thank him and said Good night before going back inside.

Today, D16 thought she saw him around here twice. He did not contact anyone. ???

Not much going on. Contact are still far in between but more often as time pass. I would say, 1 or 2 per month.

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There is presently a stand off a couple of blocks away from our house. An ex-employee of mine lives 2 houses down from where it is. D16 and ex-employee have been messaging back and forth for the past 4 hours. She is 20 years old. She locked herself in her room but can hear the conversation between the police and the man. They have 2 helicopters, the swat team and many police officers with K9s.

We are all worried. D16 asked me if she could tell her father. I said: " of course" ( he' s a police sergeant ). She texted: " it is so scary.. they have the swat team and the dogs.

His reply: LOL

That' s it.. ????? That was the end of the texting session. wow!

I can hear D16 and D14 upstairs mimicking him: sarcastic voices..
" I love you so much.. I don' t want anything to happen to you "

This is so sad..

He makes my head spin!!

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Bon, that' s better... He just called and spoke to them.. He was not too concerned but at least, he checked on them..

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Another break-up for ex-h tonight... while he was with our daughters in Timmins, OW and her daughter moved out.. ex-h just texted me to let me know he is bringing them back here saying he will not be of good company and was not gonna tell me why..

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We were already aware of the fighting beetwen them.. Ow' s daughter was messaging my youngest this morning..

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It is very sad.. i wish he could find true love but when he had it, he had no clue of it.. does he know what love is?? He did in the past.. has he lost faith and beleif?? Maybe he did... i know i did..

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Wow.......moving out on the sly. That's like what an abused woman does. So much for his fantasy. Guess the grass wasn't so green. Maybe he annoyed her by making constant comparisons to you,

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I doubt I am the one he compare her with. My name and the kids might have been brought up a lot though. We had an awful couple of week and he was aware of it all.

I know OW is not treated well. He constantly put her down in front of the kids. Shaming her, belittle her. This one is OW4 as a living in but is also OW8 to MY awareness. There might be more.

The projection is still very present. Ex-H got into a feud with Son, not long ago. Again, I played the referee. I listened to both side and I shared my concerns. In the mist of the argument, Son brought up the " Yeah, I know, WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! All of us are never GOOD ENOUGH!! NOT ONCE have I heard you say you were proud of me, NOT ONCE!!" Ex-H' s last convo with me was: " I talked to him but it did not go to well."
I know Son' s comment got straight into Ex-H' s soul of guilt and shame. It definitely hit hard..

This morning, I asked D2 if she checked on her father to see if he is ok. She said he invited them to go to Kamiskotia ( Ski Resourt) for the day. OW is back already.. I doubt the kids will go.

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Oh wow - it doesn't sound like the best relationship - secretly moves out then is back the next day?? And OW8? Goodness me...

You sound really steady about everything and that is the main thing..

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I' m sorry, I should have been more specific.. OW is back nut without details. She might be there to gather the rest of her belonging.. regardless, it' s between them.

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I had a lot of mechanical problems with my truck. Frustrating. I hit a lemon when I bought it. I made the decision to trade it in. I researched what my Durango was worth and negotiated a trade. Wrote the cheque and came home with a new SUV.

While eating supper, D2 reported a comment from Ex-H : " Do you know that my boat, trailer, 4 wheeler and truck cost me less than what your mom paid for her truck? "

I won' t lie, I was upset inside. I calmly said: " What was his point?"
she replied: " He was comparing the fact that you have no debt and he has a lot."
me: " OH!! smile That is actually a good and nice thing to say! "


Tonight, Son shared a bit more about his last argument with his father.. Ex-H apparently said: " If it was not for us.."
Son quickly cut him off and said: " Us ?? Who is "US"? You have not been there since I was 9 years old. " US?" You mean mom!!!! "

Ouch!! I am beginning to think that Ex-H' s realisations might be brought on by Son.

Ex-H is addressing me very politely and kind.

One thing is for sure, I am no longer all garbage. He actually see some good in me.. Finally!! It makes me feel more safe. My anxiety around him is vanishing slowly. My peace is getting restored and for this, I AM THANKFUL!! smile

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Hi Exquisite, that's an interesting little story about the argument with your exH and son. It is funny what gets said and how consequences can be felt by MLCers without us doing anything at all.

After XH and I split, he took SS on a trip, but forgot to take some important meds. SS got ill on the trip and was upset, and told XH - Sotto would never have forgotten to bring this!! It is true that what you give out does come back to you. So if you take time and care to look after things, it is noticed and appreciated....and if you don't? Well...

Have a great Sunday my friend smile xx


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Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I wish there was more of the old posters on the board.. eventho we have moved on, we are still living, experiencing, evolving..

5 years ago, a gentleman had won my heart. Soon after, we found out he was "unhappely" married.. i ended it on the spot. Well, a couple of weeks ago, he appeared on my fb as someone i might know. Humm?? We were never connected on fb. No friends in common so i figured he came on my profile to tchek it out. Last week- end, he gattered the courage to break the ice. I was curious to see what is intentions were.. turns out, he is still married, a bit happier but her sex drive is gone while his is not..

????? WHAT!! ???? i was so mad. If i did not want to be a OW 5 years ago, what on earth would make you think i might be ok with it now??

People do change but usually for the better, positive.
I would never do to someone else what was done to me. Even at my lowest point, i would not do it..

Anyway, that is it for now.. just sharing bits and pieces of my last 8 years..

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Very few of the "old timers" are still on the forum. Most of them have moved on to other things and some don't want to be reminded of the h@llish stuff that they went through so long ago.

Gosh that man is nuts, isn't he? After all of this time he reaches out to you. Sounds like he's a bit off himself.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I believe he is a MLCer who has not did the work on himself. He refused to talk about his wife and daughter and his everyday was all negatives. I doubt he' ll try to make contact ever again.. lol

There is someone who is showing interest at the moment. A widow. I feel it is too soon for him to enter a relationship. My close friend said to me Saturday " You know " my name ", he has been grieving for a long time already. Way before she passed away! "

She died of cancer. she was terminal. this was her third battle with the big C. Her husband cried in my arms often through this. He was a devoted husband through out their lives together. She passed away this winter. We will see how this goes.. I am not sure I will go along with this.. One day at a time...

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Convo again and here i was living it all over... please, take note of my mistakes... i feel like i have ptsd..
Letter to ex-husband...

I never left my kids at your door because i had to chase an ex.. i never left your kids at your doors because i needed surgery... i never left tour kids at your door because i was going on hollidays... i never left your kids at your door because i had to go to work... why??????? BECAUSE THEY ARE MY KIDS AND MY RESPONSABILITY... i attanded every school meetings, every mildstones of their upbringing... the few i have missed were not blame on you.. next time you want to destroy my character, my moral, my values, my self- esteem and my self- confidence, make an appointment with your councellor... i was an am a good person.... you used to be until you turned on us... i am not complaining, i took care of my blessings and would not change a thing.. you are responsable of your own actions... talking it out really help to release the confusion you so desperatly want to put onto me..

Your lack of commitment to us were the reason i wanted to leave you but i did not... because i did not want to lose you.. YOU.. when you do not want to lose someone, you do not leave them... your own reasonning does not even make sense...

You would take them anyday... but would you take care of them or Kim would?? Cause you know, you still have a job... the one that kept tou away from your responsabilities and your loved one... you still have friends who you need to save ... you still have phones you need to answer... where would you find the time to give love and attention to your kids?? How would you make time for the meetings and school activities??? How would you be able to run to the hospital if something was to happen??? You say you will but when it happens, you DON' T... this has been OUR TRUTH FOR MANY YEARS... It has been me, on my own, doing it all and i did an awesome job!!! smile

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I hope you ripped this to shreds instead of sending it to your xh. Why? Because it's too lengthy and he will gloss over it and not read the entire thing at the moment.

I know you are angry and frustrated and maybe this letter to your xh makes you feel better...but what did you hope to accomplish if you sent it to him?


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Hey E-

Why bother defending yourself to Mr. Loco when you own your own truth and live it anyway? Just a waste of energy that will just disappear into the ether. And frankly it came across as whining and weak. You're so much better than this.

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Thank you Job and Wonka.
You are right. there is no point to this. I needed to vent. I cried in the arm of a wonderful woman who lived through it. The similarity in our exs is unbelievable. We often help one another. This morning, she helped me. I doubted myself for the past 3 days because of our fight. I was full of anger and anxiety with feeling of worthlessness. She brought me back into reality. I was weak, for a moment.

This afternoon, I get an invite to go to a theater event at the end of this month. smile

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Like I said. this last week-end brought me right back to the first 2 years after bomb. This time, it did not take me long to bounce back and I will share with you my epiphany which I carry with me always, in difficult situation. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!

way back, I got so low that I was not even able to get upstairs (8, flat, 5 stairs) without sitting to regain strength. I was up and down. I was empty and hollow. I went longgggg period of time without any food.
One day, I realised that something had to happen or change otherwise, this was going be my life. I SURE DID NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. In my opinion, I was into a hospitalisation state but because of my 4 children, I hung on.
My very first thing that I address was my physical strenght. I needed to eat and sleep. I started with instant breakfast shake because, believe or not, I could not swallow anything other than liquid without choking or gagging. I started using sleep aid to regain rest and concentration. Sleep is the best mind healer in my book. without it, you cannot make solid, concrete decisions.

Next was my mental health.. counselling and anxiety meds when needed (when contact was to occur with ex).

Now, I was ready to set the boundaries. No more abuse. (Scary moment).. More counselling and an emergency plan of action in place. NEVER be alone with ex. Interaction outside where neighbours watch.(THIS WORKS and neighbours do watch and will call the police if they feel you are in danger).

I followed his wishes and filed for divorce. once I did, he could not believe I could do this to him.. ????? More anger, more abuse, all over the place for the both of us..

I saw myself turning into him, abusing him verbally. Another crash for me. I was ashamed of myself. I had to work on myself, change my behavior towards him or have no contact. Well, No contact was a better solution. It gave me peace. (I was scared again because I had no clue of his state or mood). I became hyper vigilant. Still am to this day.

As the years past, things kept getting better, NOT perfect but liveable.

My reaction to last week-end surprised me. Was I expecting kindness out of him? What on earth happen for me to take the bite? Like Job said: " What was I hoping to accomplish by defending myself?" And why does it matter??

I don' t think I have to write it but: NO CONTACT in place for me... it is the safest way to go.. emotionally, mentally and physically cause he drained me..

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Update:

First, ex-Husband: It seem he is also re-visiting BD. I am not sure what is going on in his life at the moment but he is arrogant and kind, angry and nice, fighting with everyone and feeling the shame and guilt.

Feud with son is still on. Son will be 19 this year and moving away for College this summer. He has a good job, makes good money, made arrangement to keep this job while going to College. He is progressing maturely and responsibly. He is very independent and barely ask for help from me or his father. I watch over his progress and I am very pleased. Now, he is 18.. He does socialize at times. He is a normal teen who could be way worst than he is. The bigger picture of his living is looking good to me. He has a good head on his shoulder and has his future planned out. He has put money aside for his departure, knowing that I also have an account under his name. He calls it a security blanket and does not want to touch it. Daughter21 has not touched hers either.

Last Friday, I had a kind of a date.. (more on this later). Ex-H text me about Son leaving his home for the week-end without waiting for Ex-H to finish work and say Good Bye. Complaining that he had not seen him and checking to see if we were going to visit D21. I answered: Yes, we are going to visit D21. It is true. .. Ex-H ask if Son was here.. I ignore the text cause I was not here myself and did not know if Son had arrived. 7PM, Son texted me to know where I was. ( therefor, Son was here lol ). I reminded him of the theater show I was going to and informed him of our departure first thing in the morning.

Saturday morning, I hear Son saying: (sad and concerned voice from his bedroom)"No, No way, No".. I walked by and saw him sitting on his couch sadden. I walked in and asked him what was going on?? He cried and screamed how tired he was of his father' s Bull Sh**. Tired of being threated like a child. Tired of being tied to a rope. Tired of feeling worthless and not good enough..

I stopped him.. " Look, I am going to repeat something I said a long time ago.. Look at the world around you.. Your father is lashing out. He needs an outlet for his anger and frustration. He has his views and beliefs. He wants you safe. His rope is his way of keeping you safe. His choices of words are not the best and are not always the truth. Look around.. You are an 18 year old with a good paying full time job, YOU have taken care of your College registrations and financials on your own with the help of your teacher. You own a car and see to all expenses attach to it on your own. You are currently looking for residency for next fall.. You are very mature, responsible, kind and loveable. I have no doubt of your future success. I am very proud of the man you are.

He hugged me sooooo tight and repeated how much he loves me. I said: Lets go see your sister. How she is doing. This will be you in a few months.. Hang in there.. Keep working at it. You are on the right path.. We left.. We had an amazing week-end. Me and all 4 of my children and future son-in-law. We explored a new hiking trail, we shopped for summer clothes, we ate at our favorite restaurant and we watched a movie.. Everybody came back happy and re-fueled..

D16 said Ex-H told her in his mind, they are still 6-8-10 and 13 years old.. The age they were when he left. (Weird)

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This will lead to my kind of a date Friday..

I mentioned on here that a gentleman (recent widow)showed interest. I have invited him for a coffee as friends once to take his mind off things and get out of the house a bit. No problem except he timed it for 8PM.. It is late for me but I agreed. He also chose to have it at my house knowing I had 3 more kids (friends of my kids) present for the week-end. Again, I agreed. Conversation was all about his 25 years as a scout leader. Some good stories, some, not so good. Overall, a so-so night.

Me and D16 were going to feed the birds (hiking trail). I offered him to join. He agreed. Again, it was so-so..

RED FLAGS: facebook!!!!! He sees and show up on everything I do. My friends list is hidden and he managed to track 12 of my friends. Including one from here. He does NOT know the name of this site but he does know I am part of a support group on Midlife crisis. His fb activities towards me is creeping me out. I have blocked him. Now, to the person on here, If he ask about our link or if he comments inappropriately, please,let me know.

Our friday's night out: on our way, he was very quiet and a bit nervous so I made conversation. On 3 occasions, he cut me off to show me other things and than, apologized and asked me to continue. I guess my conversation topic was not interesting. We went to a restaurant and everything was ok until he asked for a glass of water and the waitress forgot. He got loud, joking rudely and draw attention of the tables around us. I was embarrassed. Once at the cash, I got the bill.. I left a BIG tip for the waitress and thank her with a smile.

At the show: This place is a place where he used to hang out with his wife. ( I did not know ). He saw many friends of theirs. I was not introduce to any and I could feel their awkward feeling. Understandably, his wife was the subject of conversation. I tried to get in it but I was shout out so I kept quiet. In the intermission, I was left sitting alone while he mingled with more of his friends. At the end of the show, what he did not know was I KNEW ONE OF THE ACTRICE very well.At the end of the show, I had a very big kiss and hug from her with a nice warm conversation. I did not introduce him..lol

He dropped me off home and it was a cool good night.. see you Monday at work.

I have not shared much of my private life with him and yet, he infiltrated himself in it.

The fb continued until, to me, he crossed the line of intrusive.. I cut him out before he goes any further. This is where my: TOO MUCH MAN, TOO MUCH!!! came from.. The end of a love story that did not even started.. I have no interest in him. I find him boring and Overboard..

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I am so sorry that this has happened to you. If I happen to be the one he contacts, I'll set him straight.

Yes, you've got a lot of red flags going on and I would definitely not have anything more to do w/him. It bothered me about the time he set, as well as coming to your home.

Be careful when dealing w/him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I will! smile

Things will be as they were before. His life/ my life. No more invites.

Tad is the one he linked himself to.(and 11 others whom he could not see on my friends list. My like and comments were seen and an invite would be sent) I hope he will not go any further with this. I blocked him and unfriended his wife so he could not use her account to see my actions. I have nothing to hide but I do not want my every move commented on.. It is freaky.

This morning, he was uncomfortable around me.. as the day progressed, we were back as co-worker. I refuse to share more than work with him and I do not participate in his conversations. He will back away.. I' m pretty sure of this.
Facebook is Blocked and will stay block.

Thanks Job for your concerns! I appreciate it! smile xo

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Wow. No need to apologize at all. I understand. He requested me as a friend and I accepted. (I had no idea.) I'll unfriend him if you want me to. Just let me know.

I just assumed he was someone that you knew that just happened to enjoy my Bald Eagle posts. smile

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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lol... I am pretty sure it is the eagle story that got him there. I, however did not understand the friend' s request since your eagle' s are public post.. that is where he crossed the line. There was no need for the request. He can not see any of my activitities anymore, regardless if I like or comment anyones post. You can keep him on for the season.. lol it is up to you! smile

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Trip down memory lane..

For 3 years past bd, i feared for my life. Alot of detailscwere not shared on here. Remember my spare tire who got flat? What i did not say here was, it was deliberately done by someone... a punch had been hammered in.. on another occasion, all nuts on one of my back tire had been loosen. On the highway, the truck started shaking. I knew something was wrong.. i spotted and looked around.my tire was about to fall off.. i got threats from ex-H crazy affair lady. Threats towards me and the kids to teach ex-h a lesson. Not only were we dealing with a psycho ex but we were dealing with his tresors of ladies.. how come i did not go nuts myself? I do not know but i do BELEIVE IN GOD AND HIS SERVANT. So many close calls and yet, here we are.. un-armed, un-hurt and living comfortably.

We had x amount of support from x amount of people. Some, strangers..

Lana.. your quote about God.. priceless

I beleive ex-h was removed from our life for the better.. i can' t imagine what our lives would be like if he stayed.. actually, i can!!!

smile blessing!! smile

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Birds of a feather, flocks together!! smile

True... i flock with good, loving, caring people... and they flock with me..

Ex-h has a flock of his own...

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I am so sorry about what has happened. There are a lot of crazy/desperate people out there that would do just about anything to remove the spouse from the situation, i.e., to clear the way for them and the "spouse" in the affair. Please be careful.

Please start a new thread and link this one to the new thread. I'll take care of linking the new thread to this one.

New Thread:

2 sides to every story .. final chapter

Last edited by job; 04/22/17 12:55 PM. Reason: Added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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