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I'd also like to add that in addition to depression, I think a lot of people in MLC suffer from self-esteem issues. According to my XW she was never:

Pretty enough
Dark enough
Smart enough
Thin enough
Good enough

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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I agree... they turned the situation onto us. We became a reflexion of how they felt. The re-writing was their way of trying to make sense of how they felt and the spewing was a way of releasing some of it.. but until you understand it, you beleive them... it is not easy to grasp but makes so much sense now...

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I have been living my life off of the MLC radar for quite a while now. Jack' s news brought me back here. Re-reading posts, comments, pieces of wisdom. Of course, a lot of fog has been lift off. I wanted to see if, after all these years, I could have done anything differently now that I have all this knowledge.

My answer is no. Do I believe I have pushed him away? My answer is yes. Why? My boundaries.

It was simple: OW, no me.
Spewing, truth dart
Abuse, Cops
Kids feel upset, i' m there

I won' t lie. I had mixed feelings about the board. Even though I got so much information, a lot of this info did not fit with me. I often wondered if I did not have all this info, would it have been easier to get through? Ex- husband would have been seen as a monster and I would I have ended it sooner?
The answer is also no. Monster would have killed me. He came very close. My children and THIS BOARD saved me.

Do I believe marriages can be restored? Obviously, yes! BUT, marriage is a COMMITMENT made by TWO people. Unless your MLCer is making attempted to re-connect, you have no option other than moving on.

IMO, People who chose to stand put themselves in a lot of un-necessary pain. Get support, heal and let it go. Let the future unfold.

Concentrate on yourself, your children, your family. If it is meant to be, it will happen. You can deal with it when it comes. Do not live years waiting to see if this time might be it. Let it be.

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Also, we all wonder at one point if we are having a MLC ourselves. The difference is in our behaviors. NEVER FORGET THIS! You are having a crisis. You lives has been turned upside down. Will you cause more destruction, will you self- medicate, will you abandon it all? Will you cope and grow? Will you take care of business on hand? Will you be a good parent? This is all up to you.

Again, with all the info I have, let see... let' s do the journey. I looked back into my childhood. I looked at my up- bringing. My childhood pains. The lessons I have taken with me. I am proud to say I am definitely not a MLCer. I have been given these cards and I have to deal with them the best I can so that we have a great outcome. We made it!!! Our story is on going but the storm is over....

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I have a request.. we all know piecing is hard. Some of us do not want to stand any longer. Entering a new relationship is also hard. The goals are not the same anymore. We are not looking to save a unit that is no longer but we are trying to find someone who would be willing to finish the journey with us. It is not an easy road.. is there a thread on the subject? Is there references to help with fears and emotions related to dating after being out of the dating world for 20-30 years??

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Hi Exquisitetobe, the Surviving the Big D section on this forum is pretty good for discussing the joys and challenges of dating. Most on that part of the forum are already D'd and dipping a toe into the dating pool.

:-) xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you Sotto! smile I will t'check it out...

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Seems like this might be the end of my journey in regard of MLC.
Ex-H and I hardly interact and imo, this is for the best. Now, considering the next step.. The dating world.. Boy, things are not what they use to be.. Moving to Surviving the Big D..

For all of you who would like to read my story, here is my very first post..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...192#Post2175192

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I am in, yet another period of heavy thinking..
some thoughts are good and some are bad. I' m on a plateau with no sense of direction. Lately, I am not living, I only exist.
I need to find motivation.

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Hi Exquisitetobe, I think it is useful to have these reflective phases. One thing I have really tried to do is take on the 'responsibility for me' mantle and let go of the XH stuff. My life is mine to live now and how well I live it is up to me.

I didn't really take to the whole 'sit with a blank piece of paper and think about goals' thing. But last Xmas, someone bought me a pretty little notebook and it became my goals book. If I think of something I would like to do, I write it at the top of a new page. then just below it, I write the first step I can take. Next time, something pops into my head, I grab the book and update it. I have 15 or so goals on the go at the moment. These include - learning to dance, arranging a holiday next year, making time to care for Mum, keeping in touch with old friends, getting finances organised....and so on.

When I feel myself drifting, I grab the book and update it. I think it has helped me move forward and I do feel a sense of achievement when I have done the goal and tick off a whole page...

What direction would you like your life to go in now? You are mistress of your own ship and destiny.....xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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