You've got this! You definitely have a good understanding of what he's doing and why. Try to stay as calm and collected as you can and do not take the bait.
He can't spew to your face because he will see the hurt in your eyes and on your face. He has to do it be text because it's not personal and he doesn't have to face you. Just let him be in his little crack box of a dorm room. He's going to find out soon enough just what life is all about and his pampered life as it was will start to look better and better as time goes on.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, I am putting pieces together and I know I am. I wish I could show him the direct kindness face to face. I think that would really speed things up for him. But I see what you mean that he can't do it to my face.
I think the best I can do is ignore the texts, not engage but continue to show kindness afterwards. I figured this all out when I went away for BD trip. I knew I had to really center myself first to walk into the eye of his crazy mommy transference storm.
He really is like the Tasmanian Devil though. He opens that dorm room door and comes out swirling like a tornado! He makes about as much sense, too! Maybe I should nail the door shut (with him inside) for 2 years!!! May not be enough nails on the planet to hold him in there. Lol!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Trust me, there are many, MANY moments where I want to nail him shut in the crate and mail him back to Australia. He would for sure be rejected at Customs. Lol!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yesterday H11 made a cameo appearance in the living room. He watched some sports with the kids. Other than eating dinner with us, he is in his dorm room and it is music, music, music.
For the first time in 2 weeks he talked to me. It is exactly 2 weeks to the day I left for BD. (He had not been initiating saying hello or goodbye and usually ignored me if I said hello or goodbye.) Whereas yesterday, If I said something he commented on it vs. ignoring me. The first time he did so, it actually startled me! Not a good job of acting "as if" on that one!!
I had a busy day at work and was running late with dinner. S10 was cranky and whining that dinner was late. H said (and so I could hear it) that S10 should not complain because he just shows up and viola, out comes a nice meal and homemade brownies. Hmmm, H must now realize what goes on to make this happen, too.
Here is something funny. The other day a thin plastic package was delivered to the house. Our dog barked so we knew something was left. I am picking up the package just as H11 runs out of the dorm room and snatches it out of my hands. VERY secretive. Hmm. Two days later, I need something from the dorm room and that package, now opened, is in the closet. I peek at the receipt. He ordered two pairs of pants. One size up!! Guess he is seeing the results of his own cooking!
Then, hours later, I notice he has stocked the pantry with all sorts of nutritious foods. One item is wild rice. I CANNOT wait for him to cook that as his maximum cook time allotment is 5 minutes!! He will for sure be yelling over that one!!
I have learned so much from stepping back. I see that he created a lot of drama in the hopes of getting me to pursue. First he went with ignoring me to make sure I knew he was mad. Lots of angry body language, too. He tried to trigger my fears by clearing out the closet and packing his large suitcase. (It is STILL in the garage ready to go. Poor thing must be cold in that garage, maybe I should throw a blanket over it. Ha ha.) Then he spewed about money.
It feels so great to have not engaged in any of it. I realize I will never pursue again. I never used to be a pursuer but he is so PA it was just uncomfortable. So I started fixing stuff that was not mine. I see now how utterly exhausting that was!
Thank you Job for teaching me the fine art of shutting my mouth.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Gosh HaWho, I am impressed with your insight and how you handle things WRT your H. It is one thing to sit here at a distance, reading about it, and quite another to be there in the thick of it and recognising what is going on.
I agree that non-reaction is an important part of our response to MLC. It significantly reduces the drama and there is a quiet strength that grows within us as we manage not to respond and look after our side of the street - credit to you.
I'm looking forward to wild rice cooking night....even I'm too lazy to cook that!!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Not so sure you should break your arm patting yourself on the back, just yet HW. Learning to STFU is a tough lesson we all seem to learn daily
Quote:
I have learned so much from stepping back. I see that he created a lot of drama in the hopes of getting me to pursue. First he went with ignoring me to make sure I knew he was mad. Lots of angry body language, too. He tried to trigger my fears by clearing out the closet and packing his large suitcase. (It is STILL in the garage ready to go. Poor thing must be cold in that garage, maybe I should throw a blanket over it. Ha ha.) Then he spewed about money.
It feels so great to have not engaged in any of it. I realize I will never pursue again. I never used to be a pursuer but he is so PA it was just uncomfortable. So I started fixing stuff that was not mine. I see now how utterly exhausting that was!
It seems you're seeing the humor in MLC for Dummies, more and more. As I read your post, I saw that post in my mind again. In your case, the question of what to do when confronted with X behavior or if somebody is treating you a certain way, seems to have been answered.
The problem eventually becomes that a relationship is about more than reactions. Actions have to be there too. And for you, right now you are leading those actions. On the one hand there is humor in what is happening. On the other, it's kind of sad that he's going through all of this, right? Wouldn't want to be him.
At some point the balance will shift again. Learn to keep your balance, yeah?
Nice to see the updates and that you are doing well, HW.
AJ
P.S. Wild rice cooking? Sounds like an interesting game show
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Mleigh, Sotto and AJ. Good to hear from you all and thank you for the support.
AJ - don't worry, I am not giving myself too many high fives over here. After all, my M is finis and my H13 is having a MLC. It is sobering.
It is odd that you say I am leading actions. In some ways I see that because I am controlling my reactions. But, in most ways I feel I am just waiting for him to do something (vs. hiding in his dorm room). This latter part feels very reactionary.
I have had moments this week where I have gone all the way back to shock. Maybe the holidays are bringing on the emotions. I am still processing the raw ugliness of the letter he sent me. I am having a very difficult time moving forward from that. It is not just what he writes but how he writes it. There is this crazy self entitlement to his tone. At one point after he has made all these demands of me, he even tells me he can get all these things elsewhere! (It is truly mean that he dangles abandonment card. It was hard not to go screaming at him that no one is chaining him here. I still can't figure out why he hasn't left as he told me everything in that letter was required!!! (Good luck on that one!!!). I do worry that he is going to get stuck here. What is going to move him forward???
As for the humor, I have to try to laugh. Now, I finally am even laughing at certain parts of the letter. But there are certain things in that letter that not even the Pope would tell me to forgive (ha ha). It is very, very mean. I do believe, that despite his self isolation in the dorm room, that he is on the mean end of the MLC spectrum. This too he would have learned in his FOO.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
