And I Do Believe It Could Be; Something Good Has Begun

[HaWho]

New thread & starting 2nd year Post BD. Here is the link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2606617&page=10

AJ - please note I answered your last post on my old thread. I welcome your feedback to my response.

So, what is that good thing that I do believe could have begun?

Well, first and foremost, though it was doing VERY good business, the HaWho Pretzel Shop is now permanently closed.

In realizing that the shop needed to go, I am finding that piece of me, that belongs to me and only me. Somehow I either lost that piece or it became so enmeshed with H that it is all slobbered on and unrecognizeable.

Getting this piece back opens my eyes to many new realities. H is not the be-all end-all to my happiness.

He abandoned me long ago and I survived it. I am facing that fear head on. More on that to come.

Next, I need to make this year better than last. I cannot get dragged into his mess. I know this means a new level of detachment and continue with expectations at zero.

Thank you to all of you for letting me vent and journal here. Thank you for all your advice. I hope I can give back. I do believe had I not found this forum I would be so lost in all this. For sure, I would still be pretzeling and playing Mrs. Potato Head with myself.

[job]

You and your h have been playing the distance/pursuer game, i.e., when you distance, he gravitates towards you and then when you respond, he distances. Have you read the thread on distance/pursuit? If not, you may want to read it.

You have a very good understanding of what is going on under your roof. The more you speak to him about "love", the "relationship", etc., the more his eyes are going to glaze over and react in a odd manner. Try not to address these issues w/him right now. He's no where near ready to hear these things from you. After all, in his mind, you are either a mother figure or his roommate and that all depends upon the conversations.

BTW, his reaction to your son entering his room...sounds like typical sibling issues when one child enters another child's room w/o permission.

Continue as you have been. I think you are doing great.

[HaWho]

Yes Job- post BD when I went searching for what "this" all was, I came across Solo Partner and bells chimed. I just re-read the thread on here, too. But thanks. It's good to be reminded to re-read. Early on, in a moment of clarity I just tried to discuss this pattern with him but it was WAY above his pay grade. Too much Transylvania like fog was swirling around.

Also Job, I missed that H's reaction was on brother-brother level. I know he is a teanager and my son/husband but I forgot he has two brothers in the house, too. Oi!

Anyway, H's body language is very angry this AM. I think he may be close to spewing at me. I think he is processing his way: writing/playing music. But I am not sure he can get it all out that way. I know my distancing brings him back to childhood issues. We each have baggage in this arena. But my abandonment baggage can fit on a Cessna. It really can. I know I need it to get into that overhead compartment and I am workin' on it. H needs a Boeing 747 for his baggage.

He is on his third song in 2 weeks. When he sent me the 1st song, he said it was the first he had written in 9 months. He sent me the lyrics to the second song, too. He has not given me lyrics to this song and I know he won't; it is too personal. But I Saw the lyrics and he is battling in there. One line mentions he wishes there a way to erase the yesterdays.

Thursday night he made a salad and homemade dressing. I was helping kids with homework and he placed his own bowl w/fork in front of me and told me to try it. I did and it was good. I validated his culinary skills and thanked him.

But I see exactly what that is now. I tried to picture myself throwing my dance card in the trash can.

[HaWho]

Hope you all are having a nice weekend. I am.

Friday I went to an amazing jack o'lantern sculpture event. It is amazing to see the talent people can have. As you walked through the park, there were life size giraffes and dinosaurs sculpted out of jack o'lanterns.

Saturday I woke up, gave the kids their chores, made them breakfast and hit my hike. S12 told me he decided to go to the tournament and that H would be taking him. I immediately saw this was going to be a logistical nightmare that H did not have the clarity to see.

Dorm room construction was taking place and H had 2 sons for the day plus a tournament 1 1/2 hours away?!?

I text him to remind him that he has the kids for the day as I have plans. I know given that his memory is a sieve (unless it is something that pertains to his needs) he has forgotten. And I am SO looking forward to my plans. Then, the texting starts. H says that S12 has a tournament, H has workers at the house and if workers are not done, then if I don't take S12, he can't go to the tournament!

So PA. Instead of saying he made an error, he pushes his stuff onto my to-do list! He wants an out on going to this tournament and he wants to pin it on me. He wants me to cancel my plans and take S12. I push back that which is not mine. I tell him I won't be done/home in time. (S12 said days ago he wasn't going so I made my plans. He should learn a lesson to plan better, too.)

I leave for friend's. Half hour after arrival, H texts me asking who is going to take care of S10!!! I wait a while and say I will not be back to do so.

He texts saying there is no one to take care of S10 and he cannot take S12. It is SO obvious he wants an out on going to this tournament. He is recording song 3 and he wants to stay home and continue. It cracks me up that he is acting like S10 can't go. Instead of just saying to S10: you have to come, he is acting like he has to move a whole hospital of invalids. Ugh.

I wait and text back that I don't know as I had no clue they decided to go to the tournament. I said you can always just bring S10. He always found this stuff hard. Meanwhile I used to travel everywhere with two diapered kids all by myself.

That is the last text. I stay and so enjoy the time with friends! It is so nice to get out of my own head and be around cheerful, happy people. I am first generation and all these ladies are from the same country as my parents were. My friend has made food from that country! I could cry I am so happy for the comfort of it.

I come home and say hi. H ignores me. I am sure he is mad that I did not run back to help. He is locked in the dorm room all night, recording. His pacing is frenetic this weekend. He is creating music obsessively, just as he did leading up to BD.

At almost 12AM he wakes me up fixing himself food in the kitchen. He is very loud, like a teenager. I start reading, check my emails. H has sent me the lyrics to song 3. This time I ask if I can ask a few questions about it. He says yes.

It is a very dark song. I think he thinks about death nonstop.

[job]

I'm very proud of you that you stayed and enjoyed yourself. Yes, your man/child is acting like a teenager and wants "mom" to do everything so that he can write sons and work on his dorm room. Too bad...he's a grown man w/responsibilities and he needs to figure things out for himself. Rescuing him is now not a priority for you. Leave him to figure things out as he needs to be accountable and yes, learn what life is all about.

I'm sure he's going to be playing the PA behavior for a while...just ignore it and go about your happy self. He'll get over it in due time.

BTW, they do think about death quite often because they are attempting to stop the aging process and running backwards to stay young...Unfortunately life doesn't work that way except in the movies.

Keep up the good work!

[mleigh4]

Good job sticking to your plans!! Isn't it amazing how a grown MLC man can get so easily overwhelmed? I think it is part of it all.

Proud of how you handled it, stay strong

[HaWho]

Ok- H/Eeyore played depressing song #3 ALL WEEKEND LONG! I survived. I programmed in a station on Pandora and piped that throughout the house. Anytime a remotely depressing song played I hit "thumbs down" and it was cathartic. There will be joy outside of the dorm room if it kills me!!!

Late last night H put headphones on S12 and played most recent song aka "I Am Afraid to Die Song # 4654." I am not sure if I should intervene here. It did remind me of two teenage boys exchanging music. But I worry H is passing down his very unhealthy fears onto son. Maybe this is a place I should set a boundary. I am struggling here. I cannot protect S12 from depressing songs. He hears them all the time. I just wish it wasn't coming from the lips of his dad.

These days, I talk to my boys A LOT about how there is much good in every stage of aging. And I truly believe this. I focus on being lively around them. I don't want to be one of those Debbie Downer old ladies. There is too much focus on youth in this country.

Here is something I find interesting. When H first announced dorm room renovation plan, he said he was almost 47 and tired of living like this (in his nasty dorm room.) When I read his age in print, it hit me that he is almost the same age that my dad was when he died--47.

All along, I have tried to link FIL's cake eating to H's MLC. But FIL was a WAS with first wife and cake eating from the get-go with wife2. Ages of H's MLC and FIL's cake eating have never aligned and reading MLC tea leaves is a fruitless endeavor here. No coherent link exists, to me anyway.

One quick FIL cake eating story and then back to the point of this post. FIL married a doormat for wife2 and cake ate before the ring was on her finger. FIL "lived" with wife2 Monday - Wednesday, then lived at a casino where he gambled. He called it "work." Hah!! He would actually head out to the casino and with a straight face say "time to go to work!" (Of course he was sited at the casino with various women.)

FIL would come home and wife2 would warm his slippers and dote on him. Anyway, we were having a family dinner and wife2 made baked potatoes. Then, wife2 fixed his plate for him as always (he sat comfortably after a hard week of "work" at the casino) and she placed it before him. Then she proceeded to cut his potato for him!! Meanwhile he didn't budge--even to give her more elbow room to cut the potato! In fact, he was stone still with chin up like he was royalty.

He moved out years ago and anytime there is a family function where she sees him, she still brings him home cooked meals. I am sure he rounds the corner and dumps the plate in the trash before he walks in to his girlfriend's. FIL and wife2 are still married. She never re-focused on herself and she needs to be a lesson to me, for sure! She became an angry martyr type.

Back to the point of this post. When H said he is almost 47, I immediately turned the focus from FIL to my dad. I was 5 when he died and I don't remember him too well. Anyway, I thought, one was 47 (F) and once was 46 (H)--about the same age yet one is dying and the other is growing up. Weird. Both out of the norm for their ages.

Then, I start to wonder was F 47? I was told he was, but now I wonder if he could have been 46? What would the odds be there? I check online and amazingly his DOB and date of death are online! He was in fact 46 when he died! One month short of being 47 (which must be why people said he was 47?).

And it hits me. Even if you do not believe in divine intervention sometimes patterns emerge that either force you to see things or at least prevent you from ignoring the obvious.

I would lose both men when they were 46. When F died I needed to kick into "fix everything" mode as M was severely depressed. This is exactly what I tried to do when H "died"/hit MLC. Funny how H is pieces of my mother and father co-mingled.

And I see what I am supposed to do. I am an adult now and I have to show my kids (and myself) what healthy living looks like. I have to do what I could not do as a kid!

[AJM]

I have to say, I went down that path once. It was fruitless in that it didn't answer the questions. My parents were married for 20 years when mom died. I was married for 20 years when my ex "died" and went to la la land. Coincidence? Probably. I had to go down that path though. To see if there was a pattern. To see if there was something in me to fix.

And I see what I am supposed to do. I am an adult now and I have to show my kids (and myself) what healthy living looks like. I have to do what I could not do as a kid!

Glad you do, but I'm concerned that it's for the wrong reasons. In my mind, you are a parent. That's a gift. You're supposed to do that regardless of what happens in your life. Your kids deserve that and so do you.

HW, be YOU. Be the parent, mother, woman YOU are supposed to be. Live your life like it is the gift it is. And show your children by example how an adult behaves and lives. For their sake. For your sake. Not for the past or any reasons you can find to try and make sense of the un-sensical. Which, by the way, is only non-sensical because you don't see all the pieces yet.

AJ

[HaWho]

Odd day today. I kind of feel like I am closing the confessional door as I post this.

Yesterday, I remembered a very romantic thing H did when our kids were young. But, today, out of the blue, I thought to myself: I don't want this guy. It came in a moment of calm and I had no anxiety about it. 2 weekends ago when H just up and left for his movie, I realized I did not "need" him. In all honesty, before then I think I did not "know" that I did not "need" him.

I was thinking about the fact that I have thought I went into my depression before H hit MLC, but now I know this is not the case. I suddenly remember that for a long time, he pecked at me. I did x wrong and cooked y wrong. I believe his negativity compounded my depression. Now, of course, I realize that all that criticism was him laying the tar for the MLC highway.

Where yesterday I was remembering something romantic H did, today all I could see are his warts. I re-visited all his mistakes long before MLC. I am not sure what "this" is. Have I crossed from detachment into indifference? Or is this just another stop further along on the detachment train? Maybe this is just a new level of cycling?!?

I come home and for the first time in weeks (since I set the boundary) he is making eye contact with me and his eyes are soft. He is "here" today. Can he read my guilt about my thoughts today? I do feel guilty for my thinking. I am afraid it shows in my face. Maybe this is why he looks guilty often, too?

He tells me he has a buyer for x item--something I asked him to sell
months ago. I validate and say great.

He texts me when he sells it and say "we" made x dollars. I validate and say nice work.

But I just don't feel like there is much of a "we." I mean, he has after all, kicked me to the curb multiple times! What kind of "we" is that?!?

[HaWho]

Thanks AJ- good advice. You are right--I am searching through rubble to find logic in chaos.

I am curious about your comment that I do not see all the pieces yet. Is this something I am missing or is it just it hasn't been revealed to me yet? Can you clarify?