MLC W Dates, Part 11

[Wet]

The 'hamster wheel' in my brain has been running overtime this past week, with om moving in with W. S14 never did get back to me when I texted/called him this past week.

When I picked up s14 today, he was upset. He said it was "because mom is acting crazy." I asked him what was going on, and he sat there in silence for several minutes.

I followed up asking him if "om" had moved in - as I did not actually know whether or not he moved in. S14 again sat in silence and did not respond.

After waiting a few more minutes, I changed the subject, telling him he can talk to me when he's ready. On the ride home we spoke about school, his semester break is next Wednesday, and the KC and Toronto game tonight.

After he relaxed a bit and opened up by speaking about other things, he mentioned that he didn't like that "mom makes me come home by 6 pm", so they can all sit down while he eats dinner. He also said that "they"" eat at 5 pm while he is out hanging with his friends.

So this confirmed it for me that om has moved in with W. And back to the "hamster wheel", my mind kept thinking about what I would do if om comes out to meet me, or we just meet - I have never seen him. And I was giving him waaaay too much power in this sitch. I was going thru insults, name calling, and then I would pull my mind back. But these scenes were on a 'replay' button in my mind.

So I checked W's FB page, and she no longer lists me as a "Family" member, but nothing was listed in her R section.

So I looked up om's FB page. I finally saw om's picture. Nice looking guy, there is a picture of a baseball team he is on. Nice smile. He did not look like the pure incarnation of evil that I was anticipating.

But om's page lists that he is in a relationship with my W. Proof enough for me that he is not "just a friend". Also, several selfie pictures of the 2 of them.

The pain lasted for a while. But dang it, my mind kept justifying what W was doing - maybe they aren't sleeping together. Maybe she is just doing this b/c she needs the money. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt rather than accepting the truth of what is going on.

I understand that we will likely divorce, and with om moving in with W, it continues to grow more likely. Now is the time to get my focus back on s14 - I will have him for most of the next week as he has teacher conferences/days off. I will try and gently bring up the topic of his moving in with me when there is a chance.

[Wet]

I had a good day yesterday with s14. It reminds me that when I am busy I am not thinking about W and om moving in together.

I started the day bringing s14 to turn in his football equipment. Then we stopped by my mom and dad's place to visit. Dad is doing great, and is having no complications from having the pacemaker put in.

On the way back from this I spoke to s14 to let him know that I love him, and that if he is uncomfortable living with his mom and the om, then he can move in with me. I assured him that he had a voice in this process. I told him I would drive him to school in the morning, and pick him up when he wanted after school. S14 said nothing.

I then told him that I would like to have him over at my place for this Thursday and Friday when school was out. He then acted weird and said no, he wanted to be back at W's place. I did not push.

We then went to s14's end-of-the-year football team party. It was great. They did a photo screen showing of the photos of the players from the year. The coaches called each player up to give them a trophy, and said something nice about each kid. It was nice to be there with my son.

Then comes today. S14 wanted to get back early to W's place at halftime of the Vikes game, so I texted W to see if this was ok. She called me. And she asked if we could wait for a couple of hours, b/c they were moving in om's furniture into W's place and were out. No, s14 still does no have his own set of keys.

I know that om has moved in with W. The reality of it though hit when I heard his furniture was being moved in. It was a kick in the gut. Now it seems more permanent.

Thanks to y'all here for letting me have a place to journal and share my feelings. Owwww. It still hurts though we have been separated for over 2 years.

[kat727]

The biggest thing here is that you offered. You have left it up to him and I am sure he is thinking about it.

Your wife is on her own path, no one knows if that path leads back to you or even if you will be there if she comes back. The person you did love, isn't really there anymore. If after the fog of sowing her oats she came back as her old self, chances are you will have out grown her.

You know what is worth the wait, how much pain you are willing to accept, the boundaries that have now been crossed. While I could say this or that from my own experience, I know everyone has their own time line. No one can dictate it for you.

Hang in there.
kat

[kml]

No alimony for her if she's living with another man! This might actually be a good time to push the legal process forward, unless you are benefiting in some other way by postponing the paperwork.

Remember the divorce is just business paperwork - nothing prevents you from reconciling later if that's going to happen. But you should be protecting yourself financially and if there was any risk of you having to pay alimony, that is now off the table.

[Wet]

Thanks Kat and kml. I am having a difficult time knowing if I should get more involved with W's fighting with s14.

Here is an example from yesterday. W scheduled a time for the 3 of us to go to school conferences. W made clear she was "busy", and so we would meet at s14's school.

As I was getting ready to leave, W starts sending me several texts. S14 came back to W's place after school, and wouldn't clean his room. W had cleaned his room when om moved in last week. So it only took "5 to 10 minutes" for s14 to clean his room. But he wouldn't do it.

More from W's texts - s14 is speaking so disrespectfully to W. They can't go the school conferences b/c s14 won't clean his room. W wishes we could afford military school for s14 (really?!)

So I went to the school conferences by myself. All of the reports were ranging from good to glowing about s14. He dealt with getting his missing assignments in, he is respectful to his teachers, although he is quiet, he walks a proper line of socializing with his friends, and getting to work when the teacher wants them to work.

So after the conferences I called W to see what was going on. She explained that she was guarding the door out from W's condo, but then s14 was able to sneak past her and was waiting for me in the lobby, to take him back to my place for his 2 days off this week from school.

I have raised my son to be respectful to his elders, and this is important to me. So I asked what s14 said to W that was disrespectful. W said that he is always yelling at her. And s14 said "I don't respect you. You are not someone who should be respected." Ouch!

W also mentioned s14 attacking her by asking what she was doing all day - and W fell for the bait. She explained she spent 4 hours on a photo-shoot. She spent 4 hours taking her father to have a tooth removed. She made dinner. She cleaned the condo. She made 3 extra meals for her dad...

I told W that you don't have to explain yourself to s14. She responded, ya, you are right.

So I picked up s14 and he starts by telling me "Mom is crazy". She is fixated on having s14 clean his room. S14 complained Mom is always yelling at him.

I can't fix W. But I can talk to s14 to try and take the edge off of his anger. No, right now he does not want to live with me. W also took him to a therapist, and s14 would not get out of the car.

So my question is whether or not I should do more than just talk to s14 about his problems with W. Should I try and mediate their constant fighting?

[LoisB]

Wet,

I've been in your son's shoes. It's HUGE that he is talking to you about his feelings. I wouldn't rock that boat by forcing or altering ANYTHING. Just continue to listen and do whatever it is you are doing which is making him feel safe to talk. Again. Keep it simple and don't alter anything that's working. He is talking. That's a really, really good thing.

In my opinion, there is nothing YOU can do to curb his anger, but I would push hard his living with you. Can you put your foot down on this issue? With the courts?

Would he go to counseling WITH you?

Because he is choosing to live there for now, his anger could set off a huge explosion at that house which will could be dangerous to everyone... He's living with a newly-recovering alkie. Not a good combo with a mom in MLC and a volatile, angry teen.

Tread softly. Continue being the safe person who will listen.

My sister unloaded her anger in a similar situation when she was 16. Left home. Lived on her own with a bunch of crazies.

[Wet]

Friday Lawyer Joke: When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside!

[kat727]

I will share with you the lesson I learned many years ago: the relationship your child does or does not have with each of you is between each of you and your child. Your job as far as issues with your kids and W is to listen and offer advice but don't get in the middle of it. The same would be the same for her. My ex would constantly say I was putting words in their mouths or that I must be putting these thoughts in their heads.

No more. I am there for them, I will give them ideas of how to handle a situation but I don't get involved. They have to figure it out.

Only one of 4 of my kids has sought his dad out. The other three, not so much. Oh and the one that goes to him as openly acknowledged me as being a great Mom and Dad. He is just trying to get his Dad to be his Dad.

kat

[Wet]

Hi Kat, you have wise advice from the battlefields of your experience. Thank you.

It was interesting to see d21 and s14 goofing around together on Friday night. They were throwing a Nerf ball to each other, sometimes whipping it. They were talking, laughing, dancing, it was a really nice scene.

Then d21 brought up that om would be the step-dad to the 4 of them (our 4 kids). It was something I was not expecting, and it was a 'trigger' for me, it caused me a flash of pain. I wanted to shout "we aren't even divorced yet. Let's not get ahead of ourselves!" But I kept quiet. I understand the likelihood that we will divorce and they may even get married.

When I brought s14 back to W's place on Saturday, I told him again that he can call me any time if he ever feels uncomfortable at Mom's place. He rolled his eyes, but I am glad that I am repeating this for him.

I was hired by a new client today - a divorce case where the couple have been separated for 5 years. How unusual, a longer separation than what I am going thru. It could be a real fight between them.

[Wet]

Hi y'all. Well, my feeble attempt to stop being W's rescuer has fallen flat. Here is how I got there today.

I went to my Men's Group this morning at 6 am. I was shaken b/c I learned W is working with an attorney - let me explain why this shook me. We are separated for well over 2 years, and W has not hired an attorney during this time. But now she has and I was caught off guard.

Anyway, the men at the breakfast Men's Group decided to slap me around a bit. I am too attached to my M. I am too attached to W. God can do something better in my life than being with W. She is treating me like sh*t, and I was thinking of going to her court hearing on Monday to fight $750 in traffic tickets. Ya'know the rescuer thing. The guys this morning showed me the error of my thinking.

They were right, of course. So this afternoon I text W reminding her of Monday's court hearing. She thanked me for the reminder. She asked if we were going to meet there at the courthouse. My glorious, powerful response was:

"No, I'm done. I will give you your file when I pick up s14 tomorrow."

Oh, she must have melted when she received my text. The fear, the horror of having to deal with her own messes herself. She would beg, she would plead, right? No, W's response simply stated:

"ok".

Now I have seen W at court hearings before, and I know she does not handle them well. She gets very nervous. Especially when $$$ is involved. I expected an attack - but nothing?

Our separation is taking a different turn, and likely a more combative one especially if W's attorney contacts me. I am relieved at this turn of events, as I am finally releasing her to God with my prayers, and my "controlling prayers" are now stopped (example - om moves on finds another woman, W moves on from her R with om, etc.) I now see more clearly how I was hurting myself by trying so forcefully to save my M thru prayer. The result was that I was not detached.