I went over to W's place earlier today to work on filing an Amended tax return to change our filing status from me filing as 'Head of Household' to us filing 'married filing jointly'. The purpose was to get W the significant tax refund we were expecting when we filed earlier this year.
W left her phone near me, asked me to add up a bunch of numbers on her phone, and I was 'good' by not even taking a peak.
But then she did some kitchen cleaning, and I was working on her computer and waiting for a file to download, so I decided to browse her "photos" folder. I was intrigued by a sub-file named "boudoir", and yes, it was about 20 photos of W scantily and provocatively dressed. No nudes.
Now the back story. I begged for years for W to do this type of photo-shoot for me. And she never did, though she knew how beautiful I thought she was (and still is.) I think it was self confidence, but for whatever reason she never as much gave me a photo of herself in a bra, though she and her best friend are both photographers.
Ok, here is where I went wrong - I had to send myself from W's computer an email with the Amended Tax Return, and I added several of her "boudoir" photos to my email. I feel bad. But I'm kinda happy to have these photos too.
Ok, I like signs of healthiness (emotionally, that is) in dealing with W.
Yesterday, when I was over at W's place, after I finished working on amending our taxes, I brought up modifying child support with her again. I continue to pay child support for d18 though she is going to college in another state.
I explained why support should be reduced, and how much it should be reduced by. W refused. Though in the past I may have thrown a tantrum, yelled, or my worst tactic - passive aggressiveness. Perhaps I wouldn't file the Amended Return for a while. Yeah, I used to do this kind of stuff.
Instead, I said I understood. I hurried up s14, and we left.
This morning W texted me (at 5 am!) something that might help with the pain in my feet and legs. She then told me she hadn't slept - she was anxious about our kids. After we texted a bit on this, I texted her to let her know that I was not angry about yesterday's dispute over child support.
W texted that she understands why I want to reduce support b/c of my health and recent job issues. I told W that I appreciated how she was able to disagree with me about something without having an angry fight.
I like how this discussion went, and how I am moving away from my past use of passive aggressiveness.
Wet, I don't know if you have explained this before ( sorry I haven't read your entire sitch) but could you explain to me what your "trial divorce" consisted of and also what sort of legal arrangement do you have with spouce. Also how have your kids felt with your 2 year separation?
Hi Jpeg, the "trial divorce" was more of a more agreement than a legal one. I learned (this is pre-DB) W was on dating sites and dating other men, and so I gave her a Stipulated Divorce Agreement. She refused to sign it.
So I came up with the idea to let W sow her wild oats. I suggested to W that we release each other of our marital vows for 3 months, and she agreed.
This was not a good idea. Though I made clear to W on 7/1/2014 that we were still married, for a long while, she continued to see herself as "single". And only until the last several months has she slowed down her involvement with dating sites.
Wet, thanks for clarification. I did go back and read the beginning of your story. Where are you now? Anything legal in place?
My H left 13 months ago and we do not have any legal agreement but he is sleeping with OW yet doesn't consider this an affair because we have been living apart for a year. I have recently retained a lawyer because H has not been paying his share of bills (and all payments come directly out of what use to be our joint account but for the last 5 months he has withdrawn his pay)
I don't want a D I don't even want a separation agreement ( cause our laws here allow that once a separation agreement is in place H can just be granted a D without my signature)
Anyway how have you managed for several years without anything legal? Or do ou have some legal agreement?
Hi Jpeg, my W is a "kitty-cat" MLCer. There is no anger, few arguments. She is up-front about her dating, and her R with om. There is also depression though.
I started paying child support before the court became involved 6 months later. I guess my setting a good tone at the start helped in our sitch and was helpful in not having a written agreement in place.
I would make sure that your lawyer understands what you want from your separation. Your state's rules on the quick divorce if a written separation agreement is in place seems really counter-productive. There could be other options. But making sure your H pays his share of the bills is really important. He must be spending his $$$ somewhere, you just need to make sure that you are a higher priority.
Ouch! I got the news from W last night that drunk/angry om is moving in with her this week. This is how she told me:
W: S14 won't clean his room so I slapped him.
Me: S14 and I had a really good weekend together. This seems odd.
W: S14 just ran away.
Me: What's going? I am sorry he is being disrespectful to you.
W: I told him om just got out of rehab and is moving in with me, and s14 freaked out (Wet's note, the last time s14 saw om he was breaking into W's place and was removed by 5 police cars.)
W then texted me to reassure me that om is on an intense 6 month rehab program that makes him take a drug that will make him sick if he drinks any alcohol.
I did not respond to W - keeping my mouth shut rather than let my anger spill out. It seems to me if you force someone (this is from the court and his DUI last July) to stop drinking, it ain't gonna work. The alcoholic has to want this for himself. But I don't know much about this, I could be wrong.
But I'm kinda happy to have these photos too.