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#2616426 10/16/15 12:40 PM
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I hope it's ok that I started a new/different thread just for this topic. At least for those of us in the U.S. we are moving into full-out holiday season. (most probably know our Thanksgiving is in November) Halloween is coming, Tday, Christmas etc.

Please feel free to post your thougths, concerns and strategies to handle this time of the year. Or what you have done in the past.

I usually love it. This year I'm dreading so I'm trying to plan what I'm going to do, how I'm going to handle it.

I love to entertain and often host a lot or friends and family for Thanksgiving. This year is my turn. It will be the last year in my big house.Should I do it? Go out big? Or will it only make me depressed. Thoughts?


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I think the holidays are going to very hard for me. We are currently separated and I don't know where things stand, so I think its going to be rough. I have no idea how to handle things. I am glad you made this thread because I sure could use some ideas and hope.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Evil, my DB coach recommended not avoiding thinking about it and have a plan. Acknowledge that it will be hard. There is no way around it. But being prepared may help.


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ahh the holidays, I am not looking forward to this. I have asked w what she wanted to do and she typically responded, i dont know.

I am going to figure out the schedule then i think i am going to have to surround myself with family and be very busy so i can not dwell on things. I know it will have to be forced but i know better than being alone and having a pity party.


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OTW, you are right. I would like to bury my head until February but I know that is not healthy.


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Holidays,

In the past the kids and us celebrated Christmas at my W side of the family house, we never did anything as a family in our own house, which I found weird. Now with me not going to the in laws anymore it leaves me out of the picture. Kids are not going to know at that point I think. I don't know why we cant just have Christmas morning in our house then W and kids can go to W family house for dinner?

I know there is going to be a push for me to keep everything the same as years past and go act like nothing has changed. If I don't I will be alone as I don't talk to my side of the family.


Me late 30's
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vise, Do you have friends you could get together with? or maybe look into serving at a shelter or something similar.

I don't have children and my H's kids are grown so it's only been H and me Christmas morning. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to face up to it and have a plan>


Me53
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hey Beckyb,

That's a good idea about volunteering somewhere on Christmas. I hope that something is more concrete with he kids so I know that this charismas I might not have them but next Christmas I do???

Personally for me its not a really big deal, never celebrated Christmas as a kid, We only celebrated thanksgiving and new years. I am fine to treat it like any other day, My friends were my W friends and they have sided with her.


Me late 30's
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Sounds like you need new friends. smile


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I know Halloween is minor holiday but H used to decorate our front porch with scary stuff and we'd hand out candy. This year I decided to spend the night with my mom. She's 79 and not in great health so she hasn't handed out candy in a few years. I think she is looking forward to it and it will give me a change of scenery.

How are you planning to handle the holiday's?


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Hey,

This Halloween will be like the ones in the past. I will be taking the kids around to get candy and my W will be at home with her mother to hand out candy.

MIL will also be having dinner with us. I see no point changing anything as this is my house too. I am not going to leave just because my MIL will be visiting. If my W wanted to take the kids some where else, I would have to figure something out. With no S agreement its a case by case basis on who takes the kids where.

The only difference this year is my FIL wont be there as he will be away, he used to go around with me and the kids.


Me late 30's
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The U.S. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. How are you managing the holiday? I am going to my sisters where 15-20 relatives and friends will gather. I am bringing sweet potato casserole, a relish tray and pecan pie bread pudding.

Traditionally the Saturday after Thanksgiving H's family gathered at our house. It makes me very sad that this won't happen. I keep in touch with them but I will miss holidays with them very much. In order to keep busy that day my sister and brother-in-law are coming over to help me with an outside landscaping project. My outdoors to-do list is almost done!

My niece, who is living with me, has encouraged me to decorate for Christmas and have a party. So, I am going to bring out some of my favorite things. And then in mid-December I'm going to host a Christmas Tea for my girlfriends, sisters and mom.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are going to be hard. There is no way around it. I think I'm going to pack up my cat and go to my mom's for a few days. Then on the 27th my sisters and I leave for 5 nights in Nashville. Woo Hoo!

Trying to make the best of things.


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I am fortunate in that my H is still "here" and at least going through the motions of being a family. Actually improving, so there is hope. Thanksgiving is always at the IL's house and they absolutely hate me, this is the first year that it is out in the open though. I believe they will be civil and there will be H's entire extended family there, who knows what they have all heard about me, I am actually feeling sick just thinking about it. I plan to put on my biggest smile, show appropriate interest and small talk with everyone. A friend of mine lives nearby so I will find some time the following day to visit with her. I am planning to not drink at all in the event things get rough and I need to grab my kids and make an escape. I plan to not discuss my M problems with anyone during the holiday, no matter what, I will keep things light and breezy.

One thing I am dreading, is that ever since BD every time H sees his mother he gives her a big kiss on the lips and says "I love you Mom" - 2 things I haven't gotten. I know a love for a mother is not the same as the love for a wife, but it makes me feel so diminished when he does this. He also does this with the dog. I know, I am jealous of the dog and his mom. That is how low I am. Another thing is that if he feels like me or the kids are not listening or responding quickly enough to his parents he will correct us in a very condescending tone "Grandpa is talking!" Or "W, pay attention to my father!" it is very uncomfortable. I am NOT ignoring his father, and neither are the kids, its like H is hyper vigilant and expecting us all to jump whenever his father says a word. It is really tense. And weird to be honest.

Ugh, maybe I will be better off if I get the flu and can't make it.



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Can the whole Holiday thing just be over now? I've made some plans but I'm just not into it. Add to that the fact that it looks like I will be negotiating my divorce next month, it just stinks.


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I am with you Becky. Thanksgiving won't be so bad because I am going to my parents, but have no plans for Xmas yet and am dreading it. I just find myself getting super emotional lately.

H's L sent over a settlement proposal to my L today. Just made me boil looking at the numbers. My L said we can delay until after the holidays, which I agreed to. I don't want to deal with it all now since the added emotions with the holiday might make it hard to stay rational. I am sure that will not make H happy, but I need to start thinking more of what is best for me.

The whole thing just makes me sick.



I have also been debating what to do with inlaws. I opted to do the nice thing and put a card for Thanksgiving in the mail today. Have not heard one word from them since I filed, which I find hurtful. I have known these people for 14 years. We were not close, but we were friendly.


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I am thinking of talking myself and all 5 kids away to an all inclusive tropical destination. My kids are ages 18 - 24. Any suggestions re location? We want hot on the water swim up bars.


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I hate that my negotiation is going to start during the holidays but it can't be helped. That is unless H delay I do think this time of year makes everything more emotional.

I love my in laws. Right now they like me way better than H.


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That sounds amazing.


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LOL So I'm 2+weeks out from finding out my wife had an affair.. my daughter is coming home from college tonight, we're having thanksgiving here thursday, and then Friendsgiving saturday.. then in 2 weeks my father in law will be here for 6 weeks from Seattle... Not to mention I'M STILL DEALING WITH THE FACT MY WIFE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN.. LOL

I'm a christmas loving fool I love the holidays.. I'm dead in side frown It kills me that she blew me up and now she's blown the holidays up for me too LOL Well I guess this year out the past 10 years of not getting a present (or even a f*king candy cane lol) won't matter as much so maybe she did me a favor? NOPE!!! I'm all f'd up lol what a joke.

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Ktfo - I know the feeling, it is mental anguish and torture. I haven't read your whole story but sounds like your Wnis still with you and wants to work on marriage? Be thankful for that. I had a horrible night thinking of H crawling into bed with OW (which is what he did) not only has my H slept with OW, he chose her and left me behind, that is the ultimate form of rejection


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That was suppose to to "W is". Not "Winis"


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ktfo, I have this happened to you during your favorite time of the year. But it will get better. Try to still do some of the things you love. Do it for you.


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Hey,

I have committed to going to the inlaws for Christmas, just like we have for the past. I did touch on how in the past we failed to make new traditions as our own family, W eyes watered up and asked why I never said anything before. I just said its from looking back now that I seen it. Really they could remove me from Christmas an it wouldn't change a thing. We are continuing the traditions my W had a kid with our kids and her parents.

Kids don't know anything different so I said Christmas is for the kids and we can do what we have always done. This is going to be hard for me, I always felt a little isolated at the inlaws now it will be more so. W said I will have the kids there. So she likes the idea of me going, someone to look after the kids. That is fine, I want to spend as much time with them as I can.


Me late 30's
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Originally Posted By: Jpeg
Ktfo - I know the feeling, it is mental anguish and torture. I haven't read your whole story but sounds like your Wnis still with you and wants to work on marriage? Be thankful for that. I had a horrible night thinking of H crawling into bed with OW (which is what he did) not only has my H slept with OW, he chose her and left me behind, that is the ultimate form of rejection


I couldn't imagine what I'm dealing with let alone what you are having to go through! My heart goes out to you Jpeg!
She f'd up, and new it and ended it... but I'm dealing with the WHY? If I was such an amazing husband etc then why? I feel good from time to time and feel almost normal at times.. but then it creeps back in. I do at times wish she would have just ended it before she did, but at the same time I can't imagine loving another woman as much as I love her. LOL It's amazing this place we all are in.

If you ever need to beat someone up, just let me know! I'd lend an ear if you need it!!

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Originally Posted By: beckyb
ktfo, I have this happened to you during your favorite time of the year. But it will get better. Try to still do some of the things you love. Do it for you.


I'm a total Holiday fan boy.. I enjoy just walking around the mall seeing people excited and happy shopping. I enjoy my kids an family being happy... but I feel so low at times. My daughter came home last night, and I'm trying to put the face on put the act on... I hope I can do it.

Thanks!

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Is anyone available to bail me out of jail if things go wrong at the IL's for Thanksgiving?

Only half kidding! I am actually scared to go. Part of me wants to say "It is not healthy for me to go this year" but that will blow up in my face. I am thinking this is my last Thanksgiving with them, so that thought might help me cope. This is awful.

I am also wishing I had a "text" buddy to text me frequently that day so that I have a reason to be distracted and busy throughout the day. Is there an app that will send me random texts so it looks like I am having a conversation with a good friend when I need a distraction?



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don't know if we can text but we keep in touch on this Forum on the day.


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I will definitely try to be on this forum but the IL's house is very small and will be packed with people so unless I find a quiet corner they will see what I am doing. I have a work project (I do the yearbook for the elementary school) that I have been procrastinating on, every time I get online to work on it I end up here instead. I think Thanksgiving will be the perfect day to finally catch up on that. It is a positive use of my time, is for my kids, and it lets me use my brain. And pretty much everyone brings their laptops to the IL's and they all sit around on their computers instead of talking to each other. Complete opposite from my family, but it could work well to help me alleviate my stress this year.



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Hi Pho,

Ill text you... laugh


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Thanks Max! Our dinner time would probably be 3 am for you in Europe!



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Seems ill need extra nescafe


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You can text me if we can figure out a way to share our numbers without getting busted on the forum.


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I think they worry that we'd all get together and have affairs because we are so vulnerable.



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LOL

Imagine that, and then all reading about WLBS (wayward left behind spouses)in a new book called DDB (During Divorce Busting) grin


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WLBS motto ... If you cant beat them join them....

GAL = Get a Lover

just kidding guys... we need to laugh sometimes...

Last edited by Maximus; 11/24/15 07:33 PM.

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180's- when they turn their back to you give them the finger.......

I think that book would be a best seller.



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lets call it ... 181 (1 is the finger) a guide to self expression


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I needed that laugh! H will be home any minute and I needed that in my head for when he walks in the door!

You need a chapter on things you can do to your wayward to further confuse them (like provide evidence of the truth), translation guide for wayward script, and history revision for dummies.

I am taking a new perspective on Thanksgiving, I will think of it as my farewell to the IL's, that will really cheer me up!



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Ugh. This I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. Id like to hide and come out in the spring!!


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You all are funny. I think the best we can do it have a plan, acknowledge it's going to be hard and hang in there until January.


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Originally Posted By: beckyb
You all are funny. I think the best we can do it have a plan, acknowledge it's going to be hard and hang in there until January.


To help you laugh read this thread

Midlife for Dummies


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Hey pho,

Remember this ... the difference between outlaws and inlaws is that outlaws are WANTED.

grin

Hugs Max


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LOL Hilarious...

Especially the art of clinging ...

As a parent you master it when sons get into bed and take up all the room ... never knew it would come in handy when they start sleeping in their own bed as well ...

grin


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Kfto- believe me I know how you feel about the constant nagging of "why" and I also know that it may not be any comfort to hear but it really is because of their (our spouses) brokenness - they are not happy with themselves. Im sure you were "the best husband". I was "the best wife" - everyone said so, not just H - but my H was "not happy" for him I think it really is a MLC


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Originally Posted By: Cadet


To help you laugh read this thread

Midlife for Dummies


This is a great thread. If only it weren't so true!


Buttercup

Me 50 H 51
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H EA Feb 2014
BD Sept 2015
H moved out Nov 2015
W Filed D papers Mar 2016



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Originally Posted By: Jpeg
Kfto- believe me I know how you feel about the constant nagging of "why" and I also know that it may not be any comfort to hear but it really is because of their (our spouses) brokenness - they are not happy with themselves. Im sure you were "the best husband". I was "the best wife" - everyone said so, not just H - but my H was "not happy" for him I think it really is a MLC


Jpeg, it's true! I've come to belief that I don't know why she doesn't know why, just that she was f"d up. And it was funny, the MC asked "was he not good enough" "no he's everything I could want, everyone love him. You couldn't ask for a better H".. LOL It's the thing that really bugs me.. I'm trucking through, and trying to not to have a horrible holiday but yet more and more I feel like just going to McDonalds! LOL I think if she told any of her friends what happened, they'd say your a GD fool... Not that that's any conselation of course. Thanks Jpeg! I really believe the nicer and more giving you are, the more people will take and tear you down..
frown it goes beyond any sense of reasoning.. it should NOT be that way.

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Hi sweetie,

When you are with inlaws think of "Meet the Fockers" grin


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Originally Posted By: Jpeg
not only has my H slept with OW, he chose her and left me behind, that is the ultimate form of rejection


Nope .... it is the ultimate form of bad taste.


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Originally Posted By: Maximus
Originally Posted By: Jpeg
not only has my H slept with OW, he chose her and left me behind, that is the ultimate form of rejection


Nope .... it is the ultimate form of bad taste.


Truth! I don't understand people.. maybe that's why I don't like 99% of them..

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Yeah more and more as this day is going along, I'm dreading tomorrow well except for training Jiu Jitsu in the morning and football... and the wine. Putting the face on and pretending I'm "OK" and being the usual "Happy KTFO"... KTFO=Knocked The F*K Out.. which is how I feel.. LOL Put a stupid face on and work on a bottle of wine LOL .. I may even eat! ahhaa

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Originally Posted By: ktfo
Yeah more and more as this day is going along, I'm dreading tomorrow well except for training Jiu Jitsu in the morning and football... and the wine. Putting the face on and pretending I'm "OK" and being the usual "Happy KTFO"... KTFO=Knocked The F*K Out.. which is how I feel.. LOL Put a stupid face on and work on a bottle of wine LOL .. I may even eat! ahhaa


KTFO- wow, about your name. I hope you know that at some point you will need to change your name because you will feel better. I will be on here checking in, hope you can log in and we can all toast each other.



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About the holidays,

I have a question about gifts, my W and I usually gave gifts with both our names on the gift. Now I will be going to the IL because the kids don't know about S and we will be giving the kids gifts together. DO I give my own gift for everyone or do I talk to my W and ask what she thinks about it. Then there is the W gift, does she get one?

What is a good plan for gifts?


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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Originally Posted By: pho
Originally Posted By: ktfo
Yeah more and more as this day is going along, I'm dreading tomorrow well except for training Jiu Jitsu in the morning and football... and the wine. Putting the face on and pretending I'm "OK" and being the usual "Happy KTFO"... KTFO=Knocked The F*K Out.. which is how I feel.. LOL Put a stupid face on and work on a bottle of wine LOL .. I may even eat! ahhaa


KTFO- wow, about your name. I hope you know that at some point you will need to change your name because you will feel better. I will be on here checking in, hope you can log in and we can all toast each other.



LOL No worries pho, it was an MMA Brand I use to wear anyways.. LOL
it's funny I've been feeling human lately which is awesome, but the thoughts keep creeping in which is the hardest part. Loving someone so much [censored] .. and I'll checkin!
The only place I seem to NOT have this albatross over my head is when I'm on the mat, teaching or training Jiu Jitsu.. LOL I want to be at the Academy all day and not be home... but I love my kids so I go home. Cheers to all of us!!!!! Strength in numbers and tons of support .. thanks!

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WW and D4 are headed to her brothers about 6 hours away today for Thanksgiving. They'll return on Saturday. Lots of alone time. I'm not looking forward to it. I have plenty of work that has to get done but I'm having a really hard time concentrating on it. I'm usually really good at putting things aside and completing tasks but honestly I'm a mess right now.


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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Originally Posted By: gs9
WW and D4 are headed to her brothers about 6 hours away today for Thanksgiving. They'll return on Saturday. Lots of alone time. I'm not looking forward to it. I have plenty of work that has to get done but I'm having a really hard time concentrating on it. I'm usually really good at putting things aside and completing tasks but honestly I'm a mess right now.


gs9, I feel your pain! I've found find distractions, let be music or just doing stuff for ME is best. I don't know if you workout but DO IT! I train ALOT and have for a while but now my training has alot more purpose... BEING A BETTER ME FOR ME! To hell with the stuff around the house that won't go anywhere, find something FOR YOU YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!! That's what I've been doing and saying. I always tried to do the right things for HER and it wasn't enough for her to think of me in this situation. Find something Man!!! Really, I train jiu jitsu, do kickboxing 3 days a week, I lift when I can and try to run at lunch.. and I feel better about me!!! I'm 46, and in the best shape of my life and I'm getting in better shape everyday.. FOR ME!!!! Not to be a braggart because that's not me, but I'm better.. I deal with the mental pain and the pieces of my heart trying to piece them together and at the same time I'M DOING FOR ME!!! Be positive! Realize you deserve to be happy! You didn't ask for it and should be treated better... Be strong man! Be strong for you! think of YOU!

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I will be spending T-Day (tomorrow) with my kids at one of my daughter's homes. We're starting new traditions. We will all ignore the elephant in the room; that Dad is with OW by himself (she told us so, on her Facebook page.)

I think it's going to be up to me to lead the way here. So, no crying, pouting, sighing, or even any mention of H. I will be thankful for the kids and just enjoy the fact I'm with them. I CAN and WILL be able to do that, because they need me to. Being a parent never really stops being hard work for those of us who care, does it?


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Good for you Ancaire! Do for you kids! he messed up and deserves to be without you all. I wish the best and all the blessings i can share for you and your family!

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Thanks KTFO
Great reminders. I do workout and have upped the intensity since her first A. I lost about 25lbs and then put 10 or so back on. The weight sits different than it did 6 months ago. I've always been an athlete and actually ran health clubs for 10 years so I know how to do it and the benefits. I'll be hitting the gym tonight and probably tomorrow morning too.
You're right. I didn't ask for this. It's not my fault and I don't deserve to be treated like this. My dad keeps telling me to be strong and even mean if I have to be. Being mean just isn't in my nature. I'm definitely not giving into her but I do still love her. I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes love is showed through conflict and discipline. Sometimes love is shown through creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. I've done these things but it doesn't make it any easier knowing its the right thing to do.
The last couple days I've been having a bit of a pity party and I'm having trouble getting out of the funk


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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gs9, I'm not being mean either, I don't see the benefit to doing that. I'm a nice guy and it's GD shame but "nice guys do finish last"..

I'm trying to make my thing here workout, and I'm surprised by it, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at her the same way again. Someone whom I trusted with everything every part of me and my being took advantage of that.. I mean I've started to look at it in black and white: She says she loves me, yet she didn't think of me when she did this. How am I supposed to accept that? I'm trying to reason with myself as far how... but at this point I'm more concerned with me. The waves of emotions and pain and the visions in my head haunt me. I'm going to do right by me and my kids, I'll do my best with us but if I can't get through it it'll be time to say I'm done, I tapout!
Good luck man! I wish the best for you and hope you get whole again... cause I hate feeling emasculated and less than sh*t.

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Wow! I have felt so much the same way. Not sure I'll be able to look at her again the same way and I don't know if she'll look at me the same either. That's a big part of why she started cheating. At least her excuse. I do know love is a choice. It is actions and choosing to take action. She told me a week ago that she loves me more than anything in the world. My thought on this is....well you don't love me enough to stop talking to other men and to fight for our M.

Got to be the best me I can be with or with out her

Good luck to you too


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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Amen man! My W keeps saying and has said through me finding stuff "you're scaring me I don't want to lose you" LOL you didn't think about that in March when you did this.. man I'm really stewing right now! LOL

I said in MC "we are dead, we'll never be those other people that we were. This "Thing" will forever change us, and nothing will ever be the same. I'll never see her the same way again". I think that shocked her .. but well WHAT DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! lol Oh man i'm just laughing at the stupidity of this whole thing right now.. I can't wait to leave work.. i'm taking my D20 to kickboxing tonight then I'm training jiu jitsu till I'm half dead! LOL

Good luck to you man! GS9 you sound like a good dude! YOu deserve the best man!

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At least she says she doesn't want to lose you! My H is acting like he is doing my a huge favor by staying here.



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pho, I HATE THAT! you're doing him a favor! I said to my wife "you need to win me back!".. I don't think she understands that sometimes.

pho, you deserve better we all do! I love my wife I would NEVER DO IT TO HER!

I'll say what I said to gs9, work on yourself! make youself better FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE TO BE BETTER! With or without him you need to be happy with you!

I'm trying to love ME again, I'm a good man! I put people 1st, i'd give you the shirt off my back food of my plate.. I deserve better than this. I love who I am I will not change that.

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I have definitely not been perfect. At times not even a good H but this is crazy. To tell me that she loves me more than anything in the world but not be willing to try to fight for this M. Not willing to stop talking to other men. I think she believes it's too far gone and that we need to have a complete reset. She's actually told me she believes the D will go through, we'll have separate homes and then I'll call her up and ask her to go for a walk or something. As issues arise we'll go see a counselor. We won't call it dating we won't label it but then someday there may be a new proposal, new ring and a new ceremony.
Being stubborn I've thought to myself no way. I even told the couple we've been talking to but honestly I have imagined a fresh start with her. I know she can be the woman she says she wants to be. I'm just amazed she's giving up on our M.

Ugh! Can't wait to get to the gym


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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I also believe she needs to win me back but I don't think she sees it this way.


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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gs9, that's an issue then... she absolutely needs too. And hey non of us are perfect! WE all make mistakes, but mine NEVER involved another human or an A or EA.. NEVER.. cause it's not in my make up.

It's sad her brother did the samething to his now ex-wife.. got in the best shape of his life at 40 and started an A with some girl at his work. She always would say "im not him" .. well she is!

I had a horrible day at work and a horrible day dealing with myself and my head with the f*kn holidays here. I just walk in the house my daughters playing Christmas music and I want to just punch the radio and throw it out the f*kn window. She's has to work a football game tonight and is like "your rushing around the house do you have to leave right now.." stupid me sensitive to HER says no.. just a long day. I'm ready for kickboxing and jiu jitsu and man I need it right now.. F*k me is all I can say LOL I really really really f*kn hate this place right now.

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Careful re the wine. Thats what I did last Christmas when H had just BD - I had a little too much and almost threw up in church sick


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03/15 - BD ILYBINILWY
09/15 -OW confirmed
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ktfo
I hope you were able to release some of that tension on the mat. I was able to get a little out today.


Me 40
WW 41
D 4
S 12
S 14
BD 6.16.2015
W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15
W Filed Divorce 9.14.15
My ring off 11.15.15
D finalized 12.18.15
WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place

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I am at the IL's. We left at 4:30 am to get here. Last night before bed I asked H what time he set the alarm clock. He said "You don't want to know." I said "I know its early, but what time?" He kept saying "you don't want to know." So finally I said "Please just tell me, that isn't fair, I need to know." So he told me, we went to sleep, got up at 4, drove all morning and are here now at the IL's. I came downstairs to check online my daughter's lab results just came in this morning. Best results yet! Anyway, H came down and sat beside me, was sitting quietly and we could hear the IL's upstairs. I thought "wow, what a big step, he is choosing to sit quietly with me rather than be with the IL's."

So, after about 15 minutes, H says "Last night I didn't like how you spoke to me. You cut me down and I was just making a joke." I didn't even know what he was talking about! He mentioned the above conversation I just posted, about the wake up time. I am sitting here, in his parents house, people who have just spent the last 10 months talking nonstop about how much they hate me, after being cheated on, raged at, told I am hated, and HE is complaining that I didn't realize he was joking about a very minor thing last night? Will he EVER be just normal? Can I EVER be given a break, ever? I said I didn't intend it that way, I am sorry if I wasn't playful, I wasn't angry with him, I was tired and please don't read into it. And then he asked if I wanted him to stay down here with him or go upstairs? I said "Just BE. Do what you want. Relax. Enjoy Thanksgiving, nobody is attacking you, nobody is shooting down your jokes, there is no agenda, just BE." And he gave me a hug and went upstairs.

So I am sitting here thinking is this positive or negative? I really am starting to see how every single one of his complaints is 100% projection on his part.

Also we stopped at my grandmothers house on the way, she is 97 and has alzheimers. I brought her and my uncle Thanksgiving dinners (she is homebound) and before we left I had this overwhelming urge to just stay there with them. To be with people who actually love me and would be happy to have me. Maybe next year. This is so painful.



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Ugh. Hang in there.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Thanks Becky. I am hoping that this forum is slow today because everyone is having a great time and too busy to post.

My anxiety is high. I know I can do this, but I also know that this situation is so unhealthy for me.

OK, things I am grateful for:

My children!

My daughter's lab results came in and her hormones are stabilized.

I had the chance to visit my 96 year old (almost 97) grandmother this morning. (she has no idea who I was, but so happy to see me and she told me about 20x how beautiful I am! She has alzheimers.)

I have SO many good friends, online and in the real world.

I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

H's aunt noticed my weight loss! (you know the ILYBNILWY crash diet is very effective)

I am going to visit an old friend tomorrow. And a new friend on Saturday!

OK, taking a walk before dinner. Hope you are all doing well.



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Hey pho - I'm here. No Thanksgiving up here in Canada (survived it already) you will too - you should also be thankful for your sense of humor - we are!!!!!


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09/15 -OW confirmed
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Thank you Jpeg! It is almost over here, I am so emotional, this day has been hell. Nothing really happening, just emotions and anxiety. I don't want to do this any more. I want to either be separated already or reconciled. Being around H's family is too hard.

I am not making a decision today. I am sticking to DB and my plan, will give it all more time. But I am emotionally done. This is too hard. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I am looking for it. Whether its a train or the exit I don't care anymore, I am looking to get out of this tunnel.



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Hey Pho,

Hang in there....The day is almost over. You made it. Give it a few days for the emotions to calm down.

I didn't see or hear from my wife or any of her family today and the day went pretty well focusing on my family. But at the end of the day, I actually had more or less the same reaction as you.... just want it to be over one way or the other.

Hope the rest of your night goes well!

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Thank you Pinn. I am so emotional right now.



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Pho, in many ways in glad I'm separated from H. I don't know if I could live in your situation. But you've survived another day.

All in all I had a pretty good day with family. Saturday will be hard though. That's the day we used to get together with H's family.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Thanksgiving is over. Now what to do the rest of the weekend. It's supposed to rain all day today and maybe tomorrow so there goes my landscaping plans. I could dust my house or pack up some stuff. Don't really want to. These are the days I hate. Home along with nothing to do. Yuck.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Becky, I hope you find something fun to do. Any good black friday sales? Time to decorate for Christmas? I am so happy that Thanksgiving is over.



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Well I faked it all day, was lucky enough to have 2 1/2 hours on the mat giving intro lessons and training. Felt great after had a clear mind then bam... man it hit me last night again, hard to sleep last night too. Woke up to a hated vision in my head. I'm training 3x today and putting brakes on the W suv. Hope to get through the day...

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Hope you are doing ok KTFO. Keeping busy is good. I know it is harder to cope when you don't get sleep. Hang in there.



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Kfto - love what your name stands for. Your workouts are inspiring me. I have to get back into a workout regieme. I used to run and do yoga. I haven't done anything for a year. I haVe gone soft (literally) I've got to get back into something I thinkim finally ready

And as they say "fake it til you make it!"

Last edited by Jpeg; 11/28/15 01:18 AM.

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The only place I feel OK is on the mat training I disappear into human chess. It's amazing. I'll lift and run but nothing like the gentle art of jiu jitsu. Sadly as soon as I'm done cleaning the mats etc reality sets in.
Last night we made love kinda I could barely function everything I closed my eyes I didn't see her with me. Wow this [censored]... I'm just dragging through day to day dealing with this..lol it [censored]. A term my father taught when I was young "grin f!$king" lol I lied through yesterday. And today and tomorrow and so on... I've never felt so down or lost in my life. frown wow... I'm afraid to goto sleep cause I'll have more visions...lol nice guys finish last... I wish I was a d!ck.

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The only place I feel OK is on the mat training I disappear into human chess. It's amazing. I'll lift and run but nothing like the gentle art of jiu jitsu. Sadly as soon as I'm done cleaning the mats etc reality sets in.
Last night we made love kinda I could barely function everything I closed my eyes I didn't see her with me but with someone else. Wow this [censored]... I'm just dragging through day to day dealing with this..lol it [censored]. A term my father taught when I was young "grin f!$king" lol I lied through yesterday. And today and tomorrow and so on... I've never felt so down or lost in my life. frown wow... I'm afraid to goto sleep cause I'll have more visions...lol nice guys finish last... I wish I was a d!ck.

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Kfto please stop saying nice guys finish last - I truly DO NOT believe that.

You WILL NOT finish last. You are the better person in this sitch and there is a reason for that. We just can't see it yet, through the pain we are experiencing but i know clarity will come, it has started to for me. I am a "nice guy" (girl/woman) and I am not planning on finishing last.

I know this: all 5 of my kids are with me, believe in me, trust me, love me - they haven't seen their father for almost 3 months. I would rather be where I am than where H is (he just spent night cheating on his OW with another OW - ya that's right!)

This can take a long time but you have said how much you love your wife and she wants to stay married so please keep trying and this forum is the best place to left off steam- and on your mats too

And please don't ever wish your were a dick - we have too many of those in our lives - we want to see the good guys!!!!


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Originally Posted By: ktfo
The only place I feel OK is on the mat training I disappear into human chess. It's amazing. I'll lift and run but nothing like the gentle art of jiu jitsu. Sadly as soon as I'm done cleaning the mats etc reality sets in.

..lol nice guys finish last... I wish I was a d!ck.



I can feel your pain. The only time I can stop thinking about my WH or get the pictures in my mind to stop, is when I'm out walking. As soon as I'm finished, the thoughts and constant replay of picturing him with the OW start right back. I can't seem to get any peace.


I am also a "nice person" and it doesn't seem to work out well for me either. I continue doing it because that's just who I am, and because it's the right thing to do. It really hurts me that my WH sees me as a horrible person instead of the nice and compassionate person that I actually am. My only hope is that some day he will wake up and realize what he's throwing away....before it's too late.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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So, Thanksgiving was the first holiday (other than Halloween) that I had to spend without my WH. I figured it was going to be lonely for me, but I had no idea that I would feel the way I actually did. It was a pretty bad day for me from the time I woke up until I finally was able to fall asleep at about 7 the next morning! I did feel lonely and sad just like I figured I would, but I also felt extremely grouchy, irritable and just plain in a bad mood! And then couldn't go to sleep to save my life. Ugh! I felt like I jumped down anyone's throat that happened to try to speak to me or stand within about 5 feet of me. I knew that I wasn't being friendly to ANYONE or any fun to be around. I just couldn't stop myself. I found myself trying to apologize to everyone, then I just felt worse for being such a jerk. I was trying so hard to keep my emotions in check that I guess I was mad that no one seemed to even notice or care that I was dying inside. Not really their fault, but I also couldn't seem to help how I felt. Or, maybe I was just really ticked that my WH didn't even care enough to think about me on the first Thanksgiving in 10 years that we weren't together. Who knows. Anyone else feel this way on holidays? I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel on Christmas! Maybe I should just call and say I'm sick and can't go.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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MB, I am very crabby lately also. It's the stress, sadness and depression. And because I'm mostly functioning now some people seem to think "I'm over it" or better now. They don't get it. I really snapped at my mom last week.

I would like to go to bed until Christmas is over. But instead I am reminding myself that I loved the holiday long before I met H so I'm going to through up some decorations. And I'm having a Christmas tea from my sisters and friends.

What is your sitch? Maybe add some info to your profile?


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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These situations remind me of a song I listened to over and over again ... who says men have no feelings?

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you, so
I should have held on tight
I never shoulda let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you
'Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Saying to me
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute
This is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
It ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life, baby

Max


M: 50
S: 25

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Becky, I just can't seem to shake it. I am just so grumpy and irritable and can't seem to be able to control it. I will do okay for a few days, then I'm right back at square one. Wasn't thinking Thanksgiving would be that bad. I mean, I knew I was going to miss him, but I didn't know that it was going to make me impossible to be around. I really dread Christmas. My daughter had been wanting to put the tree up for the last 2 weeks. I kept telling her that we weren't doing it until AFTER Thanksgiving. So, Thanksgiving night you guessed it.....she wanted to put up the tree. I told her that it wasn't happening that night but she just wouldn't let up. She kept asking where we were going to put it and the more she asked, the more irritated I got. It just seemed like a HUGE task! I couldn't even begin to figure out where we were going to have to move things to make room in the corner for it. I know that she thought I just didn't want to ansewr her, but I honestly just couldn't even think about it because it seemed like such a huge task. So tired of not being able to function and just be myself. I keep trying to explain to them that the way I am acting has nothing to do with them, and that I'm sorry, but I know that this has to be getting old for them. Sigh..... Hoping that if I can't pull myself out of this funk soon, that maybe I can at least FAKE IT better for them soon!

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time as well. This is so unfair and it [censored]. I'm glad that you are finding the strength and determination to enjoy your holidays as much as possible. Behave your way to success, right?


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: Maximus
These situations remind me of a song I listened to over and over again ... who says men have no feelings? Max



Aww Max, I would never think that about you! Especially not after that long message that you sent that was very insightful and helpful to me. Thanks again for that! I don't think I know the song that you posted, I will have to find it and listen to it. My kids listen to music all the time. There are a few songs that I have to change the channel when the play. One of them is "Like I'm gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainor. As soon as it gets to the chorus, I have to turn it.

"So I'm gonna love you
Like I' gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye....."

I really wish I could go back and do this. Or, maybe he could have told me when our last hug was going to be so I could have held on just a little tighter. frown
Sorry, it's been a really crappy week and I just can't get a break from these emotions.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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It really does stink. This week I'm going back to some basic goals. Journal every night, including listing 3 gifts or blessings. Get exercise and cut back on processed food. I think all the crappy carbs I've been eating are also affecting me. Fake it til you make it!

Last edited by beckyb; 11/29/15 02:19 PM.

Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Beck, I ate 4 milano cookies for lunch today. You are not alone with the carbs situation. I was doing so well until Halloween.



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beckyb Offline OP
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I love Milanos.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Lets not even talk about all the southern food I ate this weekend!

Question - what are the thoughts on buying S/STBXS Christmas presents? I will buy STBXH a gift from s4 but not from me. I want to buy for MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL but I am not sure I should? Maybe just have them be from S4??


Me:33 H:36
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M:10 years
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beckyb Offline OP
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Your H no longer wants you for his wife. That means no gift for him.

Are you spending time with inlaws? Do you usually buy them gifts? If you still have a relationship with them then I think it's ok.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Becky - thanks. I agree, no gift for the H. BIL moved away in August and isn't coming home for the holidays so I would mail his package. I probably won't be invited over for Christmas but I do have lunch with SIL and go to church with MiL and FIL without H. He never wanted to go to service but we do. I do still have some sort of relationship with them.


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yea, I wished I had listened to others when they said no gifts for H, but I didn't. I do regret that I got him anything for his bday. It was about a month after BD and I guess I just couldn't imagine NOT getting him something. Well, I can now! I got him something for Christmas before all of this happened and just had it put up. He will NOT be getting it! I sit around lonely and hurting for him to come back to me while he's off comforting another woman without any reguard to me. I still miss him...but pretty sure I'm heading toward the anger stage now.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Lol I'm still with my w and she's not getting anything. I've given her gifts for years and I never received sh!t from her. She gave me the big fu this year and well... sadly no spirit for me. I hate she took it from me...

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MB,
I got a bday gift for the STBX (at that time) and offered to spend his bday with kid and him. The assh@)÷× that he was, he bumped us off when we couldn't fit into his and the TP'S schedule. He promised to call kid later in the day but he was probably too busy with the TP and forgot about his promise.

Fast forward a few months later to my bday. Kid had an impt event on that day and first the X said he would reschedule his activities. By this time, I was smart enough not to tell kid anything so that she wouldn't be disappointed. X called last minute to say that he had work. I found out later that he wasnt where he was supposed to be. The next day, kid and I met him and the TP in his car.

Poor kid is scarred for life. Kid calls the TP a baitch - courtesy of my mum, not me.

Anyways, back to how I am going to spend the hols. Will be spending Christmas with my family. No gifts for the X. But I will still be giving my (X?) niece and nephew gifts.

Was debating if I should put up a Christmas tree. Will have to clear a space in my apartment for a small one.

I wish I could sleep and wake up when kid is all grown up and has her own family and I am surrounded by my grandchildren...

Last edited by Grlonfr; 12/01/15 04:04 AM.

You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Am thinking of getting a gift for the XILs cos XFIL had always been very generous with us and kid. Prob an album of kid's pics.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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My W doesn't understand what I'm going through, especially with the holidays here. LOL Again, they don't know what they did! She thinks I should be over it or just super improved i'm like it's been 3 weeks confirmed, and since sept 28th that I've found out. And in that time she said no no no no then yes.. LOL
I'm a Christmas junkie and trying to find it in me to just get my spirit going.. but man it's tough! I want to, I want to just say f8k it! But I keep getting these flashing images and she says "you're making all this stuff you think it was up in your head." I said "well wtf I don't know why or what! All I have is what's bouncing around in my head! LOL"

I want to improve.. i need to improve it's very hard.

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Please start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Been working more lately because I need money for Christmas, so I haven't been on here much. I was unpacking some Christmas ornaments this evening. Was quit suprised when I pulled out an ornament that I made for us as a couple, and just the sight of it made me cry. I just had to walk away from my kids so they wouldn't see. This is going to be a LOOOOOOOOONG holiday season!


New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2629079#Post2629079

Last edited by Cadet; 12/08/15 06:46 PM. Reason: Link

M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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