Zero steps forward

[MrBond]

Azzork has it right.

Feyth, can you tell us more about our marital history in better detail? You said he issued ultimatums. What were they? What was HIS reason for leaving. Try to be as impartial as possible.

[Pax_luv]

Marital history-
It's hard to explain...we just spiraled and hit rock bottom, but looking back i see sings of H MLC.

-It really went downhill in Jan 2014 when i started a new job and became super stressed out
-March 2014- H decides to completely and utterly change career paths (he went from a financier to an actor)
-March-July- we are stressed, not connecting. He complains about Sex life (well I take it as complaining and nagging vs. listening for his true needs)
-On our anniversary in July 2014, he says, if we're not pregnant in two months there's no point in being married.
-that was a bomb drop to me and i seriously questioned if I wanted to be with a man who didnt care about my needs.
-From that BD, the crap just hit the fan. I was completely withdrawn and didnt feel safe around him.
- He also wasn't getting what he needed from me.
-We went to counseling in Jan 2015, but at that point, I think he was done.
- ILYB... occured in March 2015...
- I beg, cry, plead and try to work on us alone from March-June (that didn't work). I profess that he is worth the fight, and I will do whatever it takes to get back on track.
- I moved out in June to give him the space he wants
- been separated since then... Recent Evidence of pow.
- and that's about it.....
That really is how/when the relationship went downhill, before we were both completely happy and totally in love. In October 2013, he professed that he could never love anyone as much as he loved me.

I'm not perfect and am working on my issues (withdrawing for one), but I refuse to throw in the towel during this first really rough patch of marriage.

I should note that H was married previously... it lasted 1.5 years. Also in 2014, he started going to IC on his own because he was feeling "trapped" in his life and was diagnosed with death anxiety. He was also dealing with heavy issues from childhood abut being abondoned. a few months later he bought the Harley. Looking back, he for sure has to be in MLC, right? This whole time, Ive been blaming myself for everything.

That's the nitty gritty of it. Is there hope?

[MrBond]

First of all you can't blame everything on an MLC. From what you described, there are many things that are just part of being married.

"-It really went downhill in Jan 2014 when i started a new job and became super stressed out
-March 2014- H decides to completely and utterly change career paths (he went from a financier to an actor)"

Nothing wrong with a career change. If he wasn't happy, then it's within his right to do what makes him happy. It's his career after all.

"-March-July- we are stressed, not connecting. He complains about Sex life (well I take it as complaining and nagging vs. listening for his true needs)"

Caused by lack of communication skills.

"-On our anniversary in July 2014, he says, if we're not pregnant in two months there's no point in being married."

Did you want to have a baby?

"-that was a bomb drop to me and i seriously questioned if I wanted to be with a man who didnt care about my needs."

From his perspective, the same could have been said about you.

"-From that BD, the crap just hit the fan. I was completely withdrawn and didnt feel safe around him."

Why? Because he wanted a baby?

"- He also wasn't getting what he needed from me."

Which was what?

"-We went to counseling in Jan 2015, but at that point, I think he was done."

Who initiated? What did you go for specifically?

"- I moved out in June to give him the space he wants"

Did he tell you to move out?

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Mr bond for keeping it real! You are right, I can't blame it all on MLC, we did have issues that we both didn't deal with "properly." For me, it's one of those things I just never learned.... But boy, have I learned a ton over the last few months. That's what makes it so freaking hard to let go... I know I could go back tomorrow and do things differently. This is a marriage after all and I never knew how hard marriage was until now. We were never in a bad place before... We just spiraled and didn't have the tools to get it right ( or that's how I see it in my head).

To answer some of your non- rhetorical questions-
I do want a family, but I just needed a lil more time to get settled into my career.

I've been ready for a year now. It's something we always talked about.... But leading up to that we were so disconnected... He was so unhappy and it was hard to be emotionally connected to him. He was all over the place and it was exhausting. He would say "Let's sell the house, let's keep the house, let's remodel the house, I'm buying a new car, I'm starting a new business, I want a condo so I can go to auditons and stay the night, I'm buying a Harley and don't care what you say about it. It's my money" He wasn't letting me in- wouldn't share his world and was all over the place and I felt him pulling away and I had no idea how to get him back. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to do more... Because I truly love him and want to be his rock.... I just couldn't see what was happening right in front of my eyes. I was too consumed about how he was making me feel with all the chaos.

Re: counseling- he initiated and wanted me to come to his IC (the one he had been seeing throughout the year) so we could get tools to work together. Therapy bombed big time..... She is in no way shape or form a marriage therapist. It just made things worse between us.

Re: move- he said he needed space to see how he felt about me and if he missed me. Since he takes care of the pool, landscaping, and the granny flat (that we rent out) it made sense for him to stay there. I found a short term lease at a nearby apt complex and we agreed that this would be a trial separation to figure things out. Well, our trial time has come and gone. I did initiate an r talk in August, because we originally agreed to connect once a month and see how it was going. Since it didn't happen on his end I did initiate the talk. At that time, he said he was happy being on his own and not worrying about me. He still thought I was beautiful and he will always care for me. He tried to find those feelings again, but he couldn't. He needed more time... And he told me he wasn't dating... (And said I shouldn't be either)... And he said we would talk in a few weeks.

2 weeks ago was when he called and said- I realized that we never had that r talk. Did you renew your lease? ... And then went into the talk about being ready to date other people.

Happy to hear anyone's thoughts about this.

[Pax_luv]

Hi all-

Just needing an outlet to vent a little bit. Hoping that if I awknowledge and release my feelings, I can get through the rest of the day without this brick on my chest. Like everyone else here, I have my good days and not so good days and today the anxiety is just really high and I'm feeling like this is all my fault and praying for an opportunity to fix it. H is not a saint- we both contributed to the downfall of the m.... But I can't shake this guilt and remorse today. I read about this all the time... So I think it's normal.... Just wishing there was something I could do outwards to make things better between us. (All my efforts have been inwards to work on myself).

I think I'm anxious about seeing him later for dog swap.... Anyway.... Looks like me and the gym have a date tonight so I can work out this stress!

Happy Friday!

[Ancaire]

Hi Feyth! Just read through your situation. You are in a horrible spot right now, but hope is not lost. You're doing a lot of things right, but the first thing you need to realize is that fixing things will take time...way more time than any of us want. Really acknowledge that fact, and take a deep breath. Now take another, and another...just be for a minute, okay?

Okay, hopefully you've untensed a bit, slowed your heart rate and breathing, and feel a bit more relaxed. Your H has complicated matters greatly by seeing someone else. The absolute worst thing about this fact is the flood of excitement going through his brain right now, via our trusty friend serotonin. He's likely feeling excited about OP versus feeling like he's done with you. It's an uphill battle from here.

What you have to do is focus on being the best you that you can. Find the truth in his complaints and start working on those things. There's not one of us who cannot improve in some way. The goal is to become a person only a fool would leave. WAS usually don't notice anything we do until we truly begin to detach...for some reason, they can sense us pulling away, and it is often enough to get them to start thinking about what they're doing. But honestly? Detaching is usually the hardest thing for most of us. We love our S and want to fix the marriage, not pull away!

Be aware of what you're facing. This takes time. Your heart will bleed. You must focus on you for now. Detach as much as you can. GAL activities help keep you sane. I highly recommend working on the goal section of DR as soon as you can. Having a plan helps a lot.

Doing this self-work is working on the marriage, not just you. You want a better marriage, right? Not the one that just fell apart? DB is not for the faint of heart. It is hard work, takes time and commitment, and is emotionally taxing. The fact you're still here after lurking and realizing the work involved is fantastic! I'll keep checking in.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Ancaire,
Thanks for taking the time to reach out. I remember the first day you joined he forum and have been reading your threads, too. My heart goes out to you right now, but omg- you seem to be a pillar of strength!

I do still have a long journey ahead of me. Looking back, I'm surprised how many times I felt like I couldn't go on (with the db efforts) and yet I persevered. From ILYB, to the move, to the general no contact, and now the dating.... I've kept my eyes on the prize- which is creating a better me and building a better foundation for the next r- with or without h. I'm just exhausted from it all.... But I shall try to trek forward another day, another day, another day.

[Ancaire]

LOL...If I can do it, I know you can, too! I am determined, just like you.

[Pax_luv]

Hello all,
Hope everyone's November is off to a great start!

Just journaling-really long post... sorry!

I know it's not right to diagnose other people, but I truly am feeling like h is dealing with MLC. Not that this changes anything..we're still here..but it's helping me cope a little better. We've had issues for months and I took this whole thing on my shoulders. Yes, I have things that need changing and I've worked on those things every single day since I've been on my own. I was disorganized, messy, and really didn't like cleaning...but you should see my apt now! It's impeccable and spotless! I was never really good at expressing my feelings and withdrew when I felt hurt... and now I am able to recognize when I want to stuff those feelings in and calmly let them out. There's still a lot more work o be done with me!

I feel like when a marriage goes south, the easy thing to do is walk away, I've been spending time with my new single "friends" and a majority of them are recently divorced and I find it funny that they are able to throw their hands in the air and say, "Whatever, I'm better off... I can do better.... I don't deserve this etc." It's hard for me to hear because I know they are not learning anything from the break-up of their marriage..... yes, moving on and letting go is imperative, but I am truly enjoying the process of learning about myself and ways that I can improve myself and my future relationships. Like many of you have said here, DBing aint for the faint of heart.

Anyway, back to the MLC. This wasn't something I focused on before... yeah...H's behavior was getting weird, but I saw him as a man who was kind of spinning and having a really hard time finding his happiness. (This was ~2 years ago, but he was still in love with me at that point). He went through this period of buying new clothes and changing up his shoes, worrying profusely about his thinning hair, putting all his energy into one business venture and then giving up after a few months and moving onto the next one... giving up.. and then moving on to the next one. More recently, after he got the Harley, he changed his wardrobe yet again. The vneck sweater-wearing preppy guy now was wearing harley jackets, do rags, chains, leather cuffs, etc. He was scruffy (and it was hot!) but it didn't match who my husband was.... in addition to this, more recently, he started displaying more "different behavior" like refusing to heat up his food in the microwave and using the toaster oven instead. Also, he is lactose intolerant and for years he never wanted to try lactaid because it didn't work for him once before... well, he started using it and was eating cheese/ dairy all the time. So that's not totally unusual in and of itself, but it was for him. His reason behind it was because he wanted to be able to be more free when he went out. (this was when he was working harder on going out and having a life of his own...which I never prevented him from having in the first place). Lastly, ~2 months before the ILYB, he lost a really important law suit that he had been dealing with for over 10 years. I know that event has shaken him to his core. He fought it so hard and it was weighing on him for quite some time. I know it was a huge blow to his ego.... at this point, we were so estranged that there was nothing I could do to console him and support him.

OK, so I am rambling a bit...but it just seems like the puzzle pieces are all coming together and I am understanding. I spent most of the day yesterday reading through hrm134's old threads (from 2012) and I so appreciate being able to read her story... just like most MLCers, my H has followed the script to a T, and even his demeanor while we were living together was the same as hrm's H. Her and her H stayed in the same house and she handled that situation like a champ. I wish I had know about the DB technique prior to move date as I would have tried to stay firm on staying. However, at that time, I was doing anything to get our sitch turned around.

Anyway, even though it's not a revelation of any means, I still intend to treat my H with kindness, respect, and compassion, even when I don't wanna!

Finally, re: dog swap this weekend. I was looking really good when my H dropped off the dog on Friday ( I was getting ready for a halloween gathering and made sure i had my costume on when he came by. Hey, i'm down 10 lbs and i look good!) I also made sure to have my best smile and PMA. He checked me out big time. Then, I slipped on Saturday and texted him a funny event with the dog and wished him a happy halloween. He didn't reply and I wasn't expecting him, too. I knew i shouldnt have done it, but I was happy and wanted to share the story. Anyway, I normally drop the dog on Sunday, but asked for another night b/c I really didn't feel like seeing H. So, I dropped him this morning on my way to work. When H opened the door, he was smiling and happy and wished me a good day..... I am not reading anything into this whatsoever, but it was good to see him smile! Maybe he had a great weekend with OW, maybe he was happy to see the dog, maybe my PMA helped him, maybe he enjoyed the extra hour of sleep... either way.... it was a nice interaction.

Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts... have a great day!

[PigPen]

Limbo since June eh Feyth?

Just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are. It's not fun. Limbo is almost worse than getting on with the painful parts, but there is a LOT to be learned about yourself here. I believe that limbo is where we learn to put our own stake in the ground and make decisions about ourselves when everything else is hinging on an unknown.

Really use this time for yourself. Truly dive into any work that you need to do and try to keep the focus less on your H and more on yourself. I spent a lot of weeks lying in bed during limbo just depressed and upset thinking that my W held the key to my future, future happiness, and all of the decisions that I could make moving forward.

It wasn't until I made a few of my own not caring how they effected her that I regained some power in my life. Make your own decisions. Like you I don't have kids so it was easy to say - ok, I'm now going to do XYZ no matter how that's viewed by my W or how that may or may not change the status of my situation.

You've got immense power right now, use as much of it as you can.

Big hug,

PP