Zero steps forward

[V2pt0]

I could be wrong, but I think what Sandi is saying is that you cannot control what your H decides to do. You can set your boundry that you will not live in an open M, but it is ultimately your H's choice what to do. How will you set your boundary around this? Saying "let" your H date sounds like you are controlling the situation.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[sandi2]

[sandi2]

I'm just not sure what to do--- maybe going completely dark via FB could cause him to wonder about what I'm doing, too.

You probably know how this would affect you better than we would. You could begin by unfriending him, if his activities upset you.

[MrBond]

have you read the books yet?

[Pax_luv]

Hi Mr. bond, I've read DR many many times in the last 4 months and have been practicing LRT to the best of my ability. I do struggle with detachment probably because H and I are amicable and I still love him.

It's also so hard to DB when I only see my H for a total of 2 mins every week during dog swap. A couple weeks ago, I honestly thought I saw baby steps because he initiated 2- thirty minute conversations in 2 weeks. Then two weeks later he tells me he's ready to start dating other people.

I think I did somewhat ok with my response when he told me this. I said, "thank you for telling me. I appreciate you being open and honest. I respect your decision, but I am disappointed. You are not my hostage and I understand the only thing keeping us together is the piece of paper that says we're married. The problem is, that piece of paper still holds a lot of value to me. "....and then here's where I really messed up..." Knowing that this is in direct violation to my values I need to decide what I need to do next and I'm not ready to make those decisions because I have some fight left in me."

He thanked me for saying what I said. It was a 180 for me b/c I always used to hold my feelings in. He noticed and said it was huge of me to express my feelings so succinctly. But now I'm stuck wondering how to follow-up on my statement with actions- hence the cheesy facebook dilemma.

Anyway, I got to practice some more 180's today ( for my personal benefit). This morning, my car wouldn't start. It seemed like it was the battery and I had to call aaa for a jump. Turns out it wasn't the battery and I had to call for a tow truck to take me to the dealer. this should have been stressful for me, but I was completely calm and independent. Handled it all on my own- even though I wanted to call h and ask for advice/guidance on what he thought it may be. Plus it flashed into my mind how great it would be if I lived at our home and I could take our third car and just deal with this crap later.

I am proud of how calm I was because I was hosting a 300 person conference in the afternoon and normally I would have been freaking out. Instead I was full of peace and love. I'm not a vocal or aggressive person, but these things stress me out especially on such an important day. However, I was totally zen and it was completely natural and authentic- I wasn't forcing it! I had to laugh at my tow truck driver because when he dropped me at the dealership HE ran out of the truck, across the street, and to the service desk to say, "she needs help right away she has a conference to get to in less than 30 mins!!!" I just had to laugh and appreciate the goodness in people. He made my day!

[Pax_luv]

I feel bad that I put myself out there and am not doing a good job at responding to others on this forum... I find that I don't have great advice, instead I'm on here absorbing all that I can. That is all- just feeling like a moocher!

OK journaling-
I saw my IC this evening.. I found out that H started going back to her too. Uch....she probably knows more than I do about my sitch now that he's caught her up on his side/feelings. It just doesn't feel good. I know she's trying to get me to move on... there's a 100% likelihood that she's encouraging H to do the same. It makes me feel really defeated and all that faith and hope has flown out the window for now. Sometimes it's nice to be in my little bubble of prayer and hope and dbing without having to hear from others to MOVE ON! I still have fight in me.. I really do....Ughhh this is so FRUSTRATING! OK venting over.

[MrBond]

What makes you think that you are in the LRT? Has he started paperwork for a D?

[Pax_luv]

hi mr. Bond-
Word on the street is- he's thought about filing for d, though I don't know if he's gone through with it.

Before I moved out, he had drafted a separation agreement, but he never gave it to me. At that point, I think he was still confused as to what he wanted and we were using the trial separation to figure out what he needed ( I say "he" bc I knew where I stood but was willing to accommodate.... Now I feel stupid for moving out- but there's no looking back now!)

I think I've been practicing LRT by not pleading, begging, chasing. Weve been no contact except for coordination of dog transfer. The only time I converse is when he engages and I listen and validate. I've been GALing and practicing pma and working on myself big time. he still has a huge piece of my heart and that's the hardest part of letting go. I still have "in love" feelings for him at this point and I can't seem to turn them off.

[TDball]

Hi Feyth! It sounds like you're doing a great job, I wish I had your restraint.

I'm not in a place to offer advice, but just wanted to offer my support. I'm impressed by how you handled the whole dating conversation. Now you can have some time to think about what you want. When I found out my H was involved with someone, I was so devastated and emotional that I immediately told him that second thoughts were no longer an option After I said that, all of our interactions went downhill and have been either filled with anger or nonexistent.

Now that I've had 4 months to process it, I am fairly sure that it would still be a deal breaker, but I'm not completely certain, and it's not something I can take back. I almost wonder if I pushed him to tell me so that I could put an end to being in limbo. Limbo feels awful, but in retrospect it's a good place to be. You can use this time to really think about what you will and won't accept in a marriage, because it mah not be what you initially thought.

Anyway, he's going to do what he wants to do. You do have some control over how much of it you're exposed to. I blocked my H (and his GF) because it also means I can't look them up, and during my weaker moments I need that extra barrier of protection.