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one more thought

If she is drinking / using substances
she may be dangerous for the girls to be around
people who use alcohol and drugs can be crazy, mean and very erratic

one time years ago my D said daddy almost fell asleep at wheel

so although difficult, it may be for the best


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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Irish M Offline OP
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Hi Peacetoday

Yes alcohol and drugs are involved.
Her rage towards them the last time W saw them gave D's a clear message of her illness

They are stable with me, great grades, better friends
They are clinging to the idea that she will crash between Xmas and New Years
This is what happened 10 years ago.

I have other thoughts on that. Last time no drugs involved and OM cut it off.

I don't ever speak bad about their mom. Only to be causcious or her intentions

I'm new in this and since she didn't complete her journey 10 years ago... I hope this time for the kids sake she will complete it

I know the road is long .. I'm GAL in a major way.

Went on a date well 3. Nothing to get attached to or fall back on. Clearing my head and finalizing my affairs before I even think of a new ralationship

I get requests from me D's friends single mothers. Lol
Not going there either


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Irish

It is a long journey

You never know what the outcome

I think the addiction to the drugs and alcohol can lengthen it also,
and If Their new relationship breaks up Im sure that may help
but sometimes they will go on to OP#2

As time passes, everyone gets used to the situation
The LBS heals,,the kids adjust

sometimes the MLCer does turn around

I have a friend right now whose XH is trying to reconcile, she doesn't want to
I believe he was also in MLC
7 years later and 2 OP, Now he is back
almost like nothing happened-
its too late


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Hi Peace

Funny how they act like everything is ok or going it be

I don't know if they really believe it or they play the roll.

Also how they don't remember 3/4 of the things they didn't said
My STBXW doesn't remember wha she did to the D's
And that's after 3 months

Imagine 7 years wow
I think after 7years theres nothing left to reconcile

Hope your friend and yourself are doing well :-)


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Yes they revert to being young again
no responsibilities..no cares..no worry about their kids-
very sad for everyone-

all I can say is I am grateful that I was willing and capable to grow up and be the adult and parent my children alone


what would our kids do if everyone went off to play

In the end though we grow up, we have better relationships, probably another loving long term relationship or M if we choose. Our children will be with us
we succeed at work and in every way..you hear that a lot on the boards

While the Mlcer unfortunately is left with nothing


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To add: the key is to understand what success means.

Sometimes the MLCr has all kinds of things. And they appear very successful. They can and do transition without the LBS to a successful life. That's rare though. Because usually to get to that success, they need to make amends of some sort. i.e. it's part of the forgiveness and healing, albeit the last step.

LBS will heal regardless. MLCr may not.

I've never met a MLCr, who wouldn't make amends, that you couldn't still see it in their eyes - that something was missing. Question is one of the chicken or egg - are they unwilling to make amends for past life (i.e. face their actions and the consequences) or are they not ready to be healed and have more to go?

That's how life is for all of us really. But it's more pronounced with the MLCr because of the damage they've done to those left in the wake.

I'm of the opinion that we should be able to face and deal with them humanely when it comes to that point (if it does) - so that all can heal. We're all human after all.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi Peace and AJ

I completely agree Peace, if our kids didn't have one adult it would be chaos.
But my D's would say I'm the biggest kid of them all ( in a fun way)

So glad to be strong for them and give them the best chance.

AJ, great hearing from you. My MCLer is not one of those rare ones that has success. Her D's are not attempting to reach out to her, she lost her Appartment after a month, job position downgraded, certain friends and family have cut her off, car problems, money problems, ordered to pay me child support, filed for seperation and I fliped it to divorce after 3months due to adultery ( only a paper I know ) and whatever else I don't know about and don't care.

Me on the other hand, have my D's full time, great friends and family, just been offered a promotion with my job, I have the house, lost 15lbs looking cut...,

I know I'm stronger now and positive about MY outcome. Her, she can keep her path or join ME. When that time comes, I'LL decide.

This forun and you guys have brought me here. I thank you all very much xxx much love to you all .


Last edited by Irish M; 11/16/15 11:03 AM.

M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Posts: 3,925
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Yes irish…you are doing good

Congrats on promotion

I believe for those of us that choose the higher road, grace flows

and yes AJ
I agree forgiveness and understanding to the MLcer
WE are the lucky ones..and if they choose to make true changes and find their way back to a relationship with US their family, I believe most of us here would allow a friendship or co-parenting relationship and some might allow reconciliation
but if their addiction is more powerful than them, that will not be able to happen-
nor would it be in the best interest for all of us involved
they may need to hit a bottom,,in their time..or the crises has to work fully through which seems to take anywhere from 2-unknown years


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Peace ,

You sound very good and strong too x

We are not alone , they are :-)


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Because usually to get to that success, they need to make amends of some sort. i.e. it's part of the forgiveness and healing, albeit the last step.

Originally Posted By: AJM
I've never met a MLCr, who wouldn't make amends, that you couldn't still see it in their eyes - that something was missing.

AJ, I’ve been thinking about this. I’m curious if this normally happens at the end of the crisis. How about those who never exit from MLC? I’m not sure if my H feels guilty to make any amends. He told me and our mutual friends multiple times that this (him leaving) is better for everyone. I’m sure he thinks that I’m happy as I can be, since I pretty much show PA all the time in these rare occasions of our interaction. So, there is no need to make amends.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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