Divorced by 2016

[Maybell]

Hi, A -- thank you so much for your kind words on my thread. I'll answer those points on my thread but I do appreciate your reaching back to me.

WRT your financial discussions and worries -- a couple of things.

If you sign up for an online financial management service like Mint you will be able to capture all your expenses and income sources in one place, even retroactively, and you won't have to worry that you've missed something. Alternatively, you can ask your financial mediator to suggest a coach or advisor who can help you put everything together. I would recommend the free online service, though, because it's the simplest, most time efficient, and there is no chance of missing anything. I've been using it intensively for the last four years and it has definitely helped me understand and manage my financial situation, even when I was sharing it with my inattentive Mr. Fantastic before BD.

Hats off to you for being able to negotiate with your H on anything divorce related. I declined to, to keep my sanity. I wish you a smooth and favorable process. Don't worry too much about how he'll manage his own finances. That's on him, especially given that he left the marriage. Make sure you get yourself and your kids well-supported so your life eases up.

Thanks for the hugs. Back atcha!!!

[SunnyB]

Wow, Adinva, I'm more than a little horrified at your financial situation. It doesn't seem to me like your H is stepping up the way he should be. You sacrificed your earnings for your family - I did, too - and now it's time for him to recognize that. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

I also agree with you about the kids aging out. In my state, child support ends at 18, which for two of my kids means October before they graduate in May. It's not right that I should have to support them alone the rest of the time. I know I wont' have to in my case, but, geez, your H needs to man up for his kids here. I hope that works out for you.

I have used Mint (the one MB suggested) for years and years. I check it every day and classify transactions for my budget categories. When the forensic accountant asks me what I've spent my money on for the past year, I have it already.

[kml]

In my state, child support ends at 18, which for two of my kids means October before they graduate in May.

SunnyB - are you sure about this? It's my understanding that most states continue the child support to the end of the school year for kids who turn 18 during their senior year of high school.

[SunnyB]

SunnyB - are you sure about this? It's my understanding that most states continue the child support to the end of the school year for kids who turn 18 during their senior year of high school.

Yep, the cutoff is 18, not high school graduation. In my case it's not going to matter, they will be supported and stay in their same schools and have college taken care of, STBX and I both agree here.

[Underdog]

AD - Our state age for cutting of CS is 19. I am fairly sure VA is the same.

[BeginningAgain]

In 2012, my VA lawyer advised me it was 18 or until they graduated from high school, whichever occurred later. My D17 turns 18 in May but doesn't graduate until June so the c/s that I get from my ex won't end until June.

BA

[adinva]

Yes BA, thats what i've been told too. It's not a major difference, 4 additional months for s17 and 2 additional months for s15. Theyre obviously not going to move out of my house and become financially responsible for their own rent, food, doctors appts and tuition ... I really cant imagine not helping them out.

For the sake of discussion my financial planner is considering that my living expenses as far as the kids are concerned wont decrease until 2022. H isnt opposed to the idea but disputes the amount. He thinks i'll be spending less on them than currently. i will probably save about 200/mo not having 4 seasons of lacrosse.

The discussions of kid expenses past age 18 play into what my living expenses are and therefore what support (spousal/alimony) i would need to get on my feet.

I've created a shared google doc to track all of our questions and changes to give the financial planner so i can work with h first as much as possible via email. It's slow going. So far we decided on what to do with my 15k inheritance and the $25k we owe his mom and a VAL life policy he had intended to cash out to use for helping with kids' college tuition. He has 4 more items to respond to and then i'll email him the second batch. Every discussion we have outside the planner's office saves us money. I feel like he's being really slow, but then again i was completely frozen for 3 years. I just really want to get this over with. If i end up getting any spousal support at all it'll be more than i had expected and would raise my estimation of him significantly. I thought it was dishonorable that he left, and not leaving me impoverished would mitigate that. It all remains to be seen.

I started with the easy questions, saved the more inflammatory or complicated ones for later. Weird that i'm driving the process now, but i really really want to put this divorce behind me.

[adinva]

I thought I'd mention, for the record, something that contributed greatly to my fear and paralysis that turned out not so hard when I found the solution.

H asked for a divorce in June 2011.
May 2011 was the separation date he put in the draft separation agreement he gave me.
December 2012 was when he actually moved out.

Every year that went by after that I became more confused about whether it made a difference if the date was earlier (more support due) or later (more accurate)...or before the end of a year or after January 1...or before or after our 20th anniversary (November 2013).

And how would I possibly calculate what he owed me for back-support while he'd been underpaying and I was losing money?

Every time I thought about it I became more irrationally confused and worried but here's how it's ending up:

The date on which we divide all our assets is going to be the settlement date.
- That means I'm actually not down and he doesn't actually owe me, because we're splitting everything in half now. It's as if we've been paying everything out of joint funds all this time.
- Now that we're negotiating I haven't heard him (yet) say anything about his choice to leave me just a bit shy of our 20th anniversary (which it is said would impact spousal support)
- We decided on a settlement date just past January 1 so we can file taxes jointly one more year (tax savings).

This released me from the idea of having to go back over several years and figure out how to be sure I wasn't cheated.

***

Another thing that had me spinning was whether to sell the house while still married or after the divorce as suggested, in 2018. I wasn't sure if the capital gains tax would make a difference of $0, or $2,000, or $20,000, and couldn't sit down and try to figure it out, it just made me feel sick.

When I finally brought the question to a lawyer and also to the financial advisor, and they ran quick numbers, even though I'd say my house has appreciated quite a bit, almost doubled, once you deduct the improvements we made to it, and then divide the equity in half, what's left doesn't exceed $250K so there'd be zero tax. And if it did exceed it by say $1000, I'd only be taxed on that $1000. It's immaterial.

So again, my extreme fear of getting screwed somehow...is now gone. It'll be OK either way, there aren't any alligators hiding in the details.

I hope this may be helpful to someone else who's paralyzed over these questions.

[adinva]

I got asked out for coffee today, like as a date. First time someone's asked me for a date since 1990! I said no thanks but it was very nice to feel desirable. Although this one wasnt right for me, the idea of saying yes to a date isn't completely inconceivable anymore.

[Maybell]

Oh, cool! Hope this was just the tip of the iceberg for you!!