Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
T
TDball Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
I have had our dog for 7 days while on vacation, and having her around makes such a difference.

H doesn't want to let me keep her for another week. He gave me various reasons, none of which made sense, and then said he feels lost without her. If this is the first time he has felt lost in the past 6 months, then he's a lucky man.

He still comes across as so angry, and continues to contradict himself, even when we're only discussing the dog. It makes me think that my whole life has been turned around and disrupted by someone who hasn't actually thought anything through.

In other news, I realized I forgot to assign my personal statement to some of my fellowship applications, which is probably why I have so few interviews- my application was technically incomplete. Unfortunately most interview spots have been given out already. This BD came at such a terrible time in so many ways.


Me: early 30s
Husband: early 30s
Married 3 years, together 6
No children

ILYBINILWY: 3/2015
He asks for divorce: 4/2015
Moves out for good: 5/2015
I start the divorce process 8/2015
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
T
TDball Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
I have been having a difficult few days. I ran into STBX on the street, and told him I wanted to spend more time with our pet, and then he tried to pry her from my hands on the sidewalk. It was awful. He was telling me that he didn't ask for alimony, money, my MD, and how I got everything and the dog is all he has. Our dog loves him, and when he finally stopped trying to physically take her, she tried to follow him down the street.

Prior to this I was doing pretty well. In retrospect I was obviously doing well because I have the dog, and felt in control and he was finally vulnerable. Seeing him brought back all of the pain and anger, and I definitely regressed and we exchanged angry texts after that, and all of my DB work went down the drain. He got to remind himself that he made the right choice by leaving, and started to ignore me again.

He told me the dog was his whole world, but he and the dog were MY world, and he took that away from me. For the past few days I've felt like I'm back to day one. I just keep going over and over the fact that my husband left me, cheated on me, said so many horrible things to me and is already dating someone else when no paperwork has even been filed. We were supposed to be a family, start our own family, and he walked away right as I'm almost too old to make that happen with someone else. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he could do this to someone whom he promised to love forever.


Me: early 30s
Husband: early 30s
Married 3 years, together 6
No children

ILYBINILWY: 3/2015
He asks for divorce: 4/2015
Moves out for good: 5/2015
I start the divorce process 8/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
I have been reading articles on reason not to take back a cheater and in all of them they'd say that if H really loved us they wouldn't cheat.

I'm starting to believe it. You need to keep the course of your journey. I have a dog myself so I can easily relate to you, but remind yourself that you have no control in what is happening. It's out of our hands. Apparently some cheater never feel remorse, so you need to see it as being their lose to loose such an amazing woman. :-)

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Rouky, I think that most cheaters probably do love their spouse. However, cheating represents an apparently 'simple' answer to lifes more complex problems. Faced with issues in the M - whatever they may be - sexless, arguing, boredom, MLC, money troubles - it becomes easier to cheat rather than work with your spouse to improve things.

I don't think that means a lack of love. I think it means that the cheater doesn't have the tools in their toolbox to deal in a more constructive way with the problems in hand.

I agree that some cheaters don't feel remorse. However, I think the vast majority of cheaters are generally good people. Cheating is so common I don't believe it could be otherwise. I believe that a minority of cheaters probably don't feel remorse - perhaps some serial cheaters or those who have an exit affair.

So, I guess I don't buy too much into some of the messages above. There is a general message there that 'the cheater is wrong - you are great - you may not want to have them back.' But I don't wholly buy in to that for the reasons above.

Hope this perspective helps and good luck with things xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
Don't want to hijack TBall's thread but thank you Sotto for your post. I just needed reassurance and you provided it.

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
T
TDball Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
Thank you, both of you. This is really difficult, because I'm so mad at him. I feel like its hard to DB when I'm so angry.

Today I again did the opposite of DB and vented at him over text. Then we had some lighthearted chat, and I apologized for not making him feel appreciated, and said I felt sad about that. He said something along the lines of that he's sorry too, he never wanted us to end up here.

I said that I didnt think we did enough to make sure that this was how it had to be, and then changed the subject. We didn't talk more about it.

Part of me thinks that divorcing might be better off in the long run, but I'm pretty lonely right now. I wish we at least tried marriage counseling.


Me: early 30s
Husband: early 30s
Married 3 years, together 6
No children

ILYBINILWY: 3/2015
He asks for divorce: 4/2015
Moves out for good: 5/2015
I start the divorce process 8/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
From what you are telling us, it seems that there might be a chance that you could salvage your M. You are talking with your H, he doesn't seem to cut short the conversation. I also can see it will take a while to get there, but I have every faith in you that you'll do great regardless if you reconcile or not!

Take care x

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
How are you doing?

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
T
TDball Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 47
Hi Rouky, thanks for checking in. I'm kind of down today. I keep going in and out of the anger stage, and taking it out on him (opposite of divorce busting).

How do you guys deal with anger at your spouse when they've acted so terribly?

It's in the past now, but mine told me he wanted a divorce over the phone, while I was in another state, alone, with no friends or family nearby. To make it even worse, a coworker was supposed to come with me and couldn't come at the last minute, so I was especially sad and alone. Later I found out that he was texting his close female friend the entire time, a minute by minute update of our conversation. (This is not the person he is currently involved with, but I suspect he and this female friend did sleep together).

How can someone do that? It's probably one of the most horrible and personal discussions one could have, and he told me when I was entirely alone with no support system nearby. I've brought it up and he has never once acknowledged it or apologized. I'm not sure it would even make a difference, or what effect an apology would have.

I know I was holding resentment towards him before all of this, for how he abandoned me financially before we were married. I don't think I could get past this on top of what was already there. Similarly, he had difficulty with my anger before this happened, and now I am even MORE angry. I am certain for him it is better to cut his losses and move on (which he has done already). Probably for me too. But then I think of the times he was there for me and I get so sad all over again and I just wish we could make everything better.

Today he told me to think about how I was acting, and whether acting antagonistic at this point would get me what I want (Joint ownership of the dog). I brought up how he asked for a divorce, and how he has never acknowledged that it was a cruel, vicious and destructive way to end a marriage. No response. I don't know why I was expecting one.


Me: early 30s
Husband: early 30s
Married 3 years, together 6
No children

ILYBINILWY: 3/2015
He asks for divorce: 4/2015
Moves out for good: 5/2015
I start the divorce process 8/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I know it's really hard. Have you try to speak to IC about managing your anger? If it's one of the thing he mentioned about why he left; it might be worse a try?

I don't know how people can be so cruel. I'm guessing that maybe they see us as a reflection of them and they don't like it, so that's why they are do cruel to us.

What about your GAL? How is it going? What are your goal? How are they progressing?

Take care

Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard