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Originally Posted By: Ancaire
Hey Az! Just start reading from Page 6...I was doing kind of ok up to that point.

I don't know what a TED talk is...suppose I shall go Googling. smile


From wikipedia: TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) is a global set of conferences run under the slogan "Ideas Worth Spreading". Since June 2006, the talks have been offered for free viewing online through TED.com. As of February 2015, over 1,900 talks are freely available on the website.

They are basically talks about ideas from field experts. Theres a great wealth of information. There are several Id recommend:



But Im sure there are many many more good ones.

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Ancaire, I think staying in a hotel for a couple of days is a great idea. It sounds like you are doing a good job taking care of your self through this hell of an experience, and I am glad to hear it. You have been so positive and strong, its ok to break down and cry sometimes, you need to let it out sometimes.

You are one of the strongest people I "know"- look at how much you've dealt with in such a short amount of time and you have already learned so much.

Wish I could show up with some dinner and a bottle of wine and we could have a good cry and girl talk, but know that you are loved and supported and you are in my prayers.



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Have just watched the Esther Perel talk and it is very engaging, thank you for the pointer Azzork.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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...was a good one that az suggested to me. A few quick easy tricks to keep you positive... hence my "I am grateful today" posts.

Just watched ...on body language. Another 2 minute exercise that should prove beneficial.

I really like ted talks. Thanks to az, again!

Last edited by Cristy; 10/28/15 09:22 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/speakers

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To be clear, these were all recommended to me by the good people on this board - I believe 25years and Sotto. Im just passing along the info, because I think they are all very good.

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OK. I have no idea what others have posted. I didnt read through it all yet. Just got to this post, and figured Id add some thoughts.

Well, tonight is officially the worst night since all of this began. H and I had a talk. He confirmed I was right about the A, but wrong about the A partner. Apparently, it was quite intense and he is still suffering from the loss. He officially broke it off a week and a half ago.
He SAID he broke it off? Or he showed you evidence?

I suspected, even knew on some level, but finding out for sure...I am slayed. I asked very few questions because I intend to put it behind us. He made me quite angry when he said the only reason he did it was because in his mind our M was over. I asked him if he was seriously going to justify the whole thing to me like that. He said all we were missing was a piece of paper from making it true.
Watch the TED talk. There are a lot of good questions in there that you should focus on. But try not to get too angry. If you aksed him why he did it, what could he say that would NOT get you angry?

I, of course, disagreed with that - but was able to let it go. Now, I'm going to have to be nice and patient with him while he recovers from the loss of his "true luv" while I am still his wife! I know all of us here have thought this more than once, but this entire situation stinks!!!
It does stink. But it is what it is. If his dog died, you would still hurt for him even if you hate the stupid thing, right?

He left me. He's been assassinating me to anyone who would listen to him for several years now. He hurt our kids, our extended family, and mutual friends when he decided he'd be "happy" if only he could get rid of me.
This is why you dont just take him back because he says he wants back. He doesnt just get to come and go as h pleases. Otherwise, he's just going to go again! So, while you should be kind, and patient, and forgiving, you also need to set boundaries so that you dont get walked over.

Now, I have to forgive all that and let it go?!? I'm struggling tonight. I want to kick him out on his butt for doing this; but, he broke it off, he agreed to MC, and he's willing to give us a chance. He says he still cares about me. I wonder if that's enough?
You dont have to forgive it TODAY. It's a process. Let time do its thing.

I am aware I am feeling raw, and should not make any decisions while in this frame of mind. That's why I'm venting here. I am so hurt tonight...worse than at BD. The only thing different is the knowledge in my head and my commitment to my commitment. He doesn't want to let the kids know we're working on it in case it doesn't work out. I know they're confused right now....after all the divorce talk, nothing much is happening. At least now I know why he was so quick to file papers.
It does hurt. And there is no guarantee that either of you gets over this. But, at least you are taking step 1. Dont worry about step 20 until you get there.

How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? My stomach turns at the very thought. He admitted if I'd done the same, he wouldn't be able to forgive me - it would be over.
Thats easy to say. Im sure you thought the same until he left, right? I know I did.

As for letting him touch you, you dont have to until youre ready. Again, let time do its work.


So, I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? He still brings up things I did that got us in trouble. I told him I was trying to lead by example - if I can forgive him, he needs to forgive me. In his opinion, my crime of being depressed and withdrawing from the world for years is far worse. I seriously am confused.
You guys are both going to need to stop focusing on the past. Lose the score cards. There is no who is worse, who needs to change more, etc. You will need to grow together. You can do it!

My problem is chemically based and complicated by lifestyle choices. HIS was a choice, period. I'm going to need to pray for hours - and I'm not even sure that is going to work.
Same as above. You have to stop keeping score.

On the plus side....we're still going to Retrouvaille at the end of the month, and we have our first MC session at the end of the month, too. If I can somehow find the strength to STFU and stay in the same room with him until then, we might have a fighting chance.
Just like before, take a single step. Stay in the room for 5 minutes. Have a single good conversation. Dont expect things to be perfect right away. Have you made a list of signposts that you might expect as signs of progress? You can do this for your reactions and his actions.

My patience is nearing its' end, though. He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years. I am not putting up with that for even one more second. I don't know, guys...I just don't know. We have such a mountain to climb from here.
Again, dont expect it to all happen at once. It wont, and you will fail. Step by step. Thats how you climb a mountain. Dont worry about how you will take step 1073 until after youve taken step 1072.

Im guessing most of that was already said to you, but those are my takes smile

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Az...such good points you've made. I was battling mightily last night with the Monster Depression, so many of the posts were less "how to" and more "we care". I needed it desperately. The people on this forum are so incredible!

I've gotten a couple hours of sleep so far. I'm getting ready to crack open DR again and figure out my strategy. Goals and signposts are at the top of the list.

It occurs to me if H feels blackmailed (his words) I'm not going to see much in the way of remorse. He has no clue how lucky he is that I care enough to fight. I'm hoping through actions and time he'll begin to see the light.

One day at a time. I have no proof he ended affair...but his devastation and anger are easy to see. He's been more forthcoming than I expected, he's agreed to let me know if she contacts him, he's agreed to hand me his phone if I ask. It's a start, I think.

Back to Beginner's mind, one step at a time, and good, concrete, measurable goals. It'll help keep me focused and from going insane in any case. smile


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I have no proof he ended affair...but his devastation and anger are easy to see.

I dont want to rain on any parade, but I am curious.

Do you know that HE ended it? Or is there some chance that she did and now he's crawling back but saying he did it to save face?

Not sure it matters that much, but I am curious.

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I'm pretty sure H is telling the truth about breaking it off. His sheer rage at me and my "blackmail" causing him to have to do it is pretty convincing.

He tells me she took it really badly and hates him now. She accused him of lying about his marriage being over. I hope he wasn't expecting any sympathy from me. As far as I'm concerned they are both large pieces of feces. Her for getting involved with someone who was not divorced - him for not waiting on divorce to be final.

Did you read my next long statement after the one on Page 6? Lots more detail there.

It is an ugly mess right now.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

So, the situation has taken an even uglier turn. After asking H about whether he was smart enough to don a condom and finding out he wasn't, I realized something awful.

Right after he told me to set up counseling, he went out to a friend's house. He later texted me and said he was too drunk to drive home. Since I believed the woman I thought he was involved with might be there, I insisted on picking him up and bringing him home.

He really was toasted. This is embarrassing to admit, but he asked for some attention, orally, and I did it. I mistakenly thought it might be a good first step to reigniting intimacy. It didn't take long for me to realize my error, because he called me another name at the finish, so to speak. I was not happy, "What did you call me?"

He's also a Type I diabetic, and his monitor went off because his blood sugar was really low. I got him up, got some food in him, and told him what had happened. He got really angry, and went to sleep in the other room.

The next morning I realized he had no memory of it, and I was never going to bring it up again, ever. To me, we're married, so it was no big deal...until it occurred to me that I've now been exposed to whatever his scrum bucket might have.

So, I texted him today and asked him to set up a doctor's appt to get screened for STD's. He refused, and I said he had to because I've been exposed now, too. He's like, "What!?!"

He called me and demanded to know what I was talking about. So I told him...said I'd never intended to tell him about it, but now that I've been exposed, one of us has to go get checked out. That SOB accused me of lying!

Digging the dagger in deeper (dagger piercing me!), I finally went into detail, and then he remembered...but turns out in his memory, it was OW who performed so beautifully. I guess finding out it was me ruined one of his most special memories, because he got cold and short, told me he had to go (with all the disgust in the world in his tone) and hung up on me!

I guess I get to go get checked out. I'm not taking any chances.

I really, truly, at this moment don't like him much at all. He's gone all week, and I will not call, text, or anything else unless it is an emergency. WTF would I lie about that for? It's not like I'm trying to catch him cheating, because I already know!!!

I really think he's angry because he thought it was her, and now I've ruined the memory for him! I just got off the phone with the doctor, and they said H needs to be the one checked out for a more thorough screen. With me, they'd be guessing. He refuses to go right now.

What a freaking mess.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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