H and I have been married for 2 years. We've been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years and found out this summer that we are expecting our first child. Shortly after, I discovered at least an EA with a coworker. We agreed to try to work things out. Had a very difficult summer. Late summer, he told me he doesn't know if he's in love with me or not. Refused MC and said he doesn't want to work on R. Said he would not make the decision to leave until after the baby is born early next year. He is cold, distant, and just plain mean.
Last week, we had a few great days with a lot of positive interactions. Then a few days later, things went sour. A couple of days ago, he told me he is 100% sure he wants a divorce. Says he will wait for separation until after baby is born. Has no connection to baby. Never asks about baby and is not involved in planning or preparing. Says it's because the baby is part of me and that he'll be more attached once baby is actually here. Continues to deny he is involved with anyone else. We can have decent weekends, but then he returns to work on Monday and things turn for the worse. My assumption is beause he's seing OW.
His behavior is toxic and I am having a very hard time. I hate that it is affecting our unborn child. I go back and forth about wanting to make things work or just giving up. In the end, I know that I want this to work. His behavior is completely out of character and I feel he is going through a MLC. I've tried to do 180s, but have not been successful. He feels I'm negative so I've tried to be more positive, more helpful, more upbeat. I've tried including him in planning for baby and I've tried not including him. I admit that at first I tried begging, persuading, guilt etc. And I've fallen back into those a few times since. I've tried talking more/talking less. I've tried giving a little space because I know he hates being around me. I feel my only chance now is to implement LRT but I'm not even sure where to start. I've stopped saying ILY, stopped hugging, kissing, etc.
I know this sounds hopeless, but I know this is not the person he really is. At least I hope not anyway. And I want to be able to say to my child that I tried everything to keep our family together. Any ideas of where to go from here or how to use LRT?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Wow, I'm so sorry you're here deepblu. Especially as a pregnant woman. That is more than anyone should have to deal with. So sorry.
You're going to get a lot of great support here on these forums, we all have. Take as many deep breaths as you can, no matter what, you're going to get through this.
I have a good friend who's husband left when their child turned 1 month old. The husband suddenly became enlightened and had to leave to spread the word of meditation and spirituality throughout the world. She said she punched him when he told her. Three years later, she's thriving. She's got an amazing little girl, and is doing quite well. She's been to hell and back, but is now on the other side.
You will get to that other side too.
Sending you a lot of strength and a careful hug.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to get to that other side but the path before me is quite foggy right now. What a nightmare! I'm still trying but don't see much hope of this working out in my favor.
Nobody should have to go through this during a pregnancy! Not good for you or the baby. I am so upset for you.
Honestly, if he's being mean and you are unhappy, I would consider asking him to leave now. You need calm and soothing surroundings and to focus on yourself and the baby. It's not healthy that you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions and that you're made unhappy on a regular basis. This doesn't have to mean that you give up on the relationship or that it's final!
Waiting until after your baby is born seems pointless, if he has made the decision? It's after the birth you need him to be there to help, not now. I think I would feel that the adjustment would be harder afterwards than now.
I went through a pregnancy from start to finish by myself, and was a single mother for 14 years, so I feel that if you are otherwise healthy, there is no reason why you can't do it.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks so much for your concern. I have thought about asking him to leave or just leaving myself. I guess I'm holding on to hope that something will change or that I'll be able to DB my way out of this. I'm afraid that separating now will hasten the divorce. I guess I'm just not ready to let go quite yet. I feel waiting a few months will give me a little more time to pull off a miracle.
I have started to address the emotional abuse he is inflicting and I'm trying to set boundaries regarding this. I'm also in therapy to deal with some of these issues.
I'm so confused because this pregnancy was very carefully planned.
Would love some advice or success stories on LRT. I've read DR but am so overwhelmed and lost.
It was very useful for me to consult with a lawyer, even though I was not moving out or giving up on the marriage. It can give you great peace of mind to know what the future will look like worst case scenario. And that confidence shows, and changes the power balance because you feel more empowered. Seeing a L doesn't mean you're filing or moving ahead with a D, you're just educating yourself about your rights and obligations and options. Keep it to yourself until the right time.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Okay, thank you for making me feel it's okay to stay and work on my marriage. I've had several people give me the advice to just go ahead and leave and give up. None of these people are going through this of course.
I have been planning to consult with a lawyer, especially now that there is a sweet baby involved. Hopefully I will feel more empowered and there will be a shift!
