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Cole_ #2614539 10/12/15 01:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
You are programmed to think how she wants you to think. Stop it. She will hold those old complaints over your head and make you a spineless puppet, if you don't stop it. Stop trying to GAL that includes you keeping the kids. And, no, it will not have an unhealthy impact on them. Having a well-rounded father, who is not co-dependent on his W, will have a very positive impact.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
What is she losing due to her waywardness? Is she worried she may lose you? She should be. She's a cheater and she should be concerned you've had enough of her craziness about never leaving the kids with anyone, while the M is shot to hell. She should be concerned that she hasn't been intimate with you, and how she's being unfaithful.


Thanks for these points, among others Sandi. not sure if you read the rest of my posts (I'm obviously verbose), but I'm considering some changes to my approach and this is a good reminder of what's important now.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Cole_ #2614619 10/12/15 09:38 AM
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Yes, I read your posts and glad to see you ready to make a change from doesn't work. This so-called trust issue she has about you is complete b.s. She is twisting things around on you and making it sound as if you are the one that has violated trust in the M. Ironic, isn't it?

Whenever she engages in one of these discussions (at this point), you need to be very cautious b/c she is mostly temp checking to see if you are still clinging to hope. It assures her that she sits at the control panels of the MR.

The LBH is too quick to assure his WW that he's still on board and trying to convince her things will be better. When he does this, it's like he puts all the burden on him to do all the R work. She is the one who split it open, and she doesn't get to pretend it was you. Okay, so you had to look and see why she was acting the way she was, b/c she was not being honest. (How's that for a trust issue? She was being deceitful.).

You sound like a good guy who, like many other men, followed along with whatever your W said. Inveribly she will lose attraction and respect, and she calls it "unhappiness". She is unhappy, true enough.

She will not be talked into staying. Not while she feels swept away with OM. If she begins talking about the MR, just let her talk, but don't volunteer to share your feelings. Stand firm and don't let her break you down.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Tough day today. Didn't sleep much last night and had to take off work. I keep wondering why I fight this battle. I keep wondering if it's worth fighting for someone who has a history of putting themselves at risk for EAs. I'm her second marriage so maybe we were/are already fighting the odds to begin with.

She once told me during a heated discussion post d-day that she didn't wait to get divorced before entering a relationship with the OM because she knew I would fight it and not let her go. To her, the EA had the appeal of an escape plan. She would later say the decision to enter the EA was a stupid one, but one she made out of survival. Whatever helps her sleep at night, I guess. I know, don't believe what's coming out of her mouth

Am I just wasting my time? Am I just setting myself up for another EA years down the road if we reconcile? Am I just doing this for the kids?

I guess I'm just venting and trying to purge the doubts swimming in my mind. I'm just not looking forward to the holidays because no matter what path we're on, it's going to hurt like hell.

Still, going to see what happens in our next MC session then see what affect that has on my plans to change things up. Regardless, I have a feeling she's not going to be happy with me but it's time she start feeling some of the consequences.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Cole_ #2614868 10/12/15 08:20 PM
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Am I just wasting my time? Am I just setting myself up for another EA years down the road if we reconcile? Am I just doing this for the kids?


It doesn't have to be. It mostly depends upon how you handle yourself, and of course, her.

A woman does not have to be in an EA in order to escape her M. She is just playing you for a fool. Don't believe that garbage.

If she's had more than one EA, then there is a good chance she'll have another one. It is very important that you do not take her back into the MR without her doing some very hard work. And, as long as she's blaming you for her A, she is far from doing the work. She needs to have consequences for her behavior. She needs to believe she's losing you. She needs to pursue you, instead of you chasing her. When she humbles herself and you see true remorse in her, and she is willing to go back into the M under YOUR conditions, then you are ready to think about reconciling. That's just the beginning. B/c of her serial EA's, she will need to adhere a strict transparency plan, and maybe from on. Of course, she would have to battle the withdrawals of the A. I would strongly suggest a very recommendable MC during the reconciliation and piecing. I don't know the one you are currently using would be the right one, or not. It sure isn't cutting the mustard now, but that's b/c your W is wayward. MC doesn't work, unless both spouses are wanting to save the M.

However, that could be a ways off. Right now, you need a plan of action. No more Mr. Nice Guy, get that book, along with Hold on to your N.U.T.S. They are highly recommended by former nice guy types. And by nice guys, I really mean the fearful, passive, "yes dear" husbands.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for the advice, Sandi. I'll look into those books.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Mar 2015
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Quote:
Right now, you need a plan of action. No more Mr. Nice Guy, get that book, along with Hold on to your N.U.T.S. They are highly recommended by former nice guy types. And by nice guys, I really mean the fearful, passive, "yes dear" husbands.


Sorry to hijack your thread, but thanks Sandi for posting that. I need those books, too. I am afraid that I am a nice guy, also...


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2615254 10/13/15 04:05 PM
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Counseling went okay. At least I feel a little more up beat than usual. We were able to agree that the root of our marital problems really had to do with differences in how quickly we are able to forgive and move on after arguments and the timing of various problems that occurred in the past year. While I was quick to recover, she took longer and because she took longer, she was never able to achieve her baseline of satisfaction/love before she was hit with another problem. The end result was that I thought things were okay and she was slowly whittled down until there was nothing left. It was also enlightening to realize that we expressed the same concerns about our marriage but were simply never in sync about when we identified the problem and never seemed to take the time to address it. I think we're at least making progress in understanding what went wrong to make each other feel so detached, unloved, and unappreciated. Of course that doesn't solve our current predicament.

My wife still hasn't demonstrated true remorse but instead questions whether she can feel romantic love for me again. For her, that seems to be the question. The EA continues to be ignored, but clearly we can't restore romantic love if her heart belongs to someone else. I'll definitely have to think more before taking next steps.

Cole_ #2615259 10/13/15 04:13 PM
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She also thought I was intentionally withholding details about my gal activities she said she didn't understand why I would intentionally hide what I was doing but she also wasn't going to try to pry details from me.

At this point, it might be worth being patient. The resentment and anger seems to be diminishing and she said today that the time she is spending on her own has given her more strength and peace than she has in a while (like gal is supposed to). It's difficult to say what that means, but she does seem to be opening up more and I don't want to slide back by being too aggressive. Am I falling for a trap?

Cole_ #2615268 10/13/15 04:50 PM
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She also thought I was intentionally withholding details about my gal activities she said she didn't understand why I would intentionally hide what I was doing but she also wasn't going to try to pry details from me.


That seems to be going the same way as others have described it to be. Sounds like she is curious, but who knows?

Quote:
At this point, it might be worth being patient. The resentment and anger seems to be diminishing and she said today that the time she is spending on her own has given her more strength and peace than she has in a while (like gal is supposed to). It's difficult to say what that means, but she does seem to be opening up more and I don't want to slide back by being too aggressive. Am I falling for a trap?


Patience is something that I am learning the hard way. My W has said the same thing, so just like you I don't know what to make of it. I wouldn't say its a trap, but more like she is testing you. Honestly, I don't know how to answer that one. Some will say stick your toe in and test the waters, while others wouldn't. It seems that she may be opening a little, but trying to figure out what is going on in their heads is a lot easier than quantum physics. The only thing that I can add is go with what your gut tells you...but then again, my advice pretty much goes against what everyone else says. laugh


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Cole_ #2615271 10/13/15 04:57 PM
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Cole

Just read up on your sitch a bit and Saudi hit on something that is going to be hard for you to swallow. You are a nice guy, I was too... I entered MC thinking that W wanted to work on the M, turned out she was still with OM and all she was attempting to do was show up, see if she could learn anything to apply to her A while being able to tell everyone and herself that we went to MC and things just didn't work out. MC is pointless and impossible with 3 people. You really might want to think about this, save your money and your time and put a halt to the MC till you can be assured the A is over, your WAW has had time to grieve the loss of the A, she has said those magic words "I'm committed to this M and want to work on it"
This is a tall task and one YOU have to become strong enough to put into motion. For me I had to do a great deal of work on myself, stop being a doormat and began to earn the respect my W lost for me... Took a good deal of time but to this point was worth every minute .... Not because it gave me a chance at my M, but because it gave me a second chance at life, the one I wanted .... Becoming the man we all were meant to be far outweighs the risks involved provided you've had enough.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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