Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
Photo-that's what I'm afraid of. He tells this woman things he wouldn't even tell me. He talks about me to her, for crying out loud! On the other hand, he refuses to discuss her with me....how can this be good for our relationship?

I hate this....I really, really hate this.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Lovethehub, I think he is really not speaking to OW at this point. But I think you are right that he is afraid to trust me again, thinks things will just go back to the way they were.

I am afraid that with my H, if he thinks he is losing me he will just give up. He is not a fighter, he is more of a crumble and give in kind of person. He does not bounce back from things.

Either way, you are right that I do need to detach, and I do need to make myself less available to him. If it doesn't bring him back, at least it will preserve what is left of my self respect.

I really appreciate your perspective, and I have a question for you. Is it a good "sign" that H has been coming to MC with me since BD? He is there every week, on time, and usually early. He is also going to IC.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
Hi photoka,

How are the push-ups going, or is your home sparkling? Remember, 2 days ago you had a reason for not contacting H while he is gone. I know 'better' reason's sometimes pop up and you send that stupid text. Stay the course, no texting smile


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Mona, I haven't texted him! He did text me when his plane got in to let me know he made it, I texted back "Thanks for the update, have a good night." That's the last I heard from him.

I power-washed my garage and front of my house today. My bedroom is cleaner than it's been in a long time too! That's not saying a lot though, cleaning is not my strong suit. I did one round of push ups and decided cleaning was the better choice, but I should alternate so my arms look good in my sexy halloween costume. LOL. Which I don't have yet.

Thanks for checking in on me, you are right, it is too easy to let emotions take over, but I am getting so much better with that! I will be strong!

Heading out to church now and then movie night with my boys.



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
I just walked into S11's room and he was face timing H. S handed me the iPad and said "mom, talk to dad." So I talked to him for a few minutes, just simple "what's going on?" kind of stuff. The entire time H kept making an expression, kept curling up his lip on one side. And I remembered so clearly from the TED talk about reading facial expressions that this is a sign of contempt.

The conversation was short, under 5 minutes and I gave the iPad back to S, but I just feel so shaken up now. How long can he hate me? Is there any hope?



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
I know he hates me, but to see it so clearly has really shaken me up. And the worst part is, this has been his face for years. And this is his face with D. I feel like I just got punched in the gut and can't breathe. Is there any way to turn this around? Space, I guess, lots of space. Why do I still love him? But I do.



Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 713
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 713
Photoka, I have nothing clever to offer you, but I feel the same way when my husband talks about resenting me. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Thanks Gmum. And I am sorry for you too.

I am wondering now if it was the subject matter, I was talking about D because he asked what was up and I said D was trying to convince me to let her get her nose pierced. I am going to do a little experiment and see if I notice the micro-expressions during other topics. Don't worry, I won't use this as an excuse to call him. I will just observe when the sitch comes up. For about a year before BD H kept saying " I hate D, I HATE her, she is driving me out of this house." Yes she was 12 years old. Her behavior was extremely out of control and she vented a lot of it on H. He broke down. Up until BD he was so angry with her, and then abruptly switched it to me.

I know the specific issues that are keeping him "stuck"- D and MIL, and any interaction I have in any way with either of them. I am going to pay attention and see if I can maybe speak more positively or somehow convey a better attitude when these topics come up and see if that helps diffuse some of his contempt.

I think if I look at this as an experiment it will help me detach. And I promise I am not spending too much time on this, just being a little more observant and watching my words and attitude which is what I should be doing any way.



Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Originally Posted By: photoka
I think if I look at this as an experiment it will help me detach. And I promise I am not spending too much time on this, just being a little more observant and watching my words and attitude which is what I should be doing any way.


Don't apologize for spending too much time on this. I think these are the things you should spend time on. Experiments (IMHO) are good. Experiment away. And the reason I think they are good, is bc it isn't about doing what you've always done, it is about doing what works. Experiment to understand what works. Then do those things.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
G
gonegrl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
Thank you Mahhhty. I thought I'd get a response of "stop thinking about H and GAL."

But I know that there are specific things setting him off and keeping him stuck. If I can at least not be contributing to those, not setting off his triggers, that could go a long way towards actually "giving him space" in a way. Emotional space, an emotional break, whatever. I can't go nc because we have kids and we are still technically married and supposedly trying to work it out.

I will watch carefully for the topics that set him off and stick to safe topics. Right now that seems to be his work, what's for dinner, and household projects. I think he is ok with the boys, but I get mixed signals there too.

My plan of exercising or cleaning instead of texting H is working well. I cleaned all 3 bathrooms today, did a little yard work, and one round of pushups. I can only do 8!

Heading out now to take S11 to counseling. I look like a slob from all the yard work but I am not changing because I have developed a crush on S's counselor and I want to discourage myself from "going there." Not that I think he'd reciprocate in any way, or that I would, but I need to take myself out of the mindset.



Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard