Ancaire, thank you for your praise. Someone who is wise learns from the mistakes they and others make, you are a long way past me in many respects as you always manage to say something inspiring to me. Committing fully to DB'ing makes you wise, keep at it.
Sleep is a challenge for me too. I am thankful it only illudes me in phases.
You are probably allowing thoughts to go round in your head and are building mental monsters that are keeping you awake. You experienced that kind of thinking before, what did you do to combat it?
If you are going to spend some time away, tell him directly if you can, a text is not the way to convey such a decision. No matter how you write the text it could always be misinterpreted, the written word is a dangerous thing.
If you put it in the context of "it is something for both of us as we both need some space to think and I will be back on..." he'll probably be OK with it as us men do love to be in a cave on our own to think.
Spend the time away wisely, getting some sleep for starters, plus allowing yourself to think through what you actually want from your M should you decide to continue the work to make it recover. Write those things down. What would the ideal marriage be to you? Write it down, you are forming your next set of goals and it's important.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
All settled in my hotel until Tuesday. I brought DR, Bible, and journal. After I sleep off my "cry" headache, I'll be ready to put some thought into things and make plans. Guess I should text H now and let him know I'll be back. Don't really want to...but know I should.
Well, I was in the hotel before I saw your suggestion. I'm paraphrasing you a bit. So far I've got: "Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not at home. I think it's best for both of us to have a bit of space to think. I'm fine, and will be home Tuesday."
What do you think? OK to send? I know H is not even awake yet.
Amended the text to say, "I should have spoken with you before I left. I just didn't want to wake you again. I thought we could both use some space to clear our heads a bit. I'll be home Tuesday. Please don't think this means anything other than what it is...just some breathing room."
Ancaire- I think it is positive that he answered your questions honestly. For me the truth goes down so much easier than lies and deception, no matter how ugly or painful- the truth is what will allow you to heal and move forward - hopefully together!
Thanksgiving was "not painful" I hosted H family at our home Sat night (without H) that was really nice and good for the kids too. We use to host many family holiday meals in our home and for the past year I have done nothing so it was nice to have candles burning and decorations and laughter again- almost wish H could have been looking through the window to see the life he is turning his back on- then last night we went to my brothers for dinner with my side of family - bigger crowd 40 ish lost of cousins for my kids they had good time
I am just so mad at myself. I should have been more active in things he likes to do. I love talking to people...I could have kept myself entertained.
Lesson learned...
Ancaire, supporting your guy is a great thing to do, I firmly believe in it. I sat on a lot of bleachers while STBX played softball, attended a lot of things I called "wife events" because my job was to look nice and make small talk, listened to his band, etc., etc., etc. But it didn't change to outcome of my M, and may or may not have made any difference to yours. I go down the path with my IC on this all the time, if I had done this, if I had done that, my life would be different now. She reminds me that I don't know that, the outcome may have been the same regardless. So, yes, support your H where you can, be there for him, but don't beat yourself up over what you can't change.
Amended the text to say, "I should have spoken with you before I left. I just didn't want to wake you again. I thought we could both use some space to clear our heads a bit. I'll be home Tuesday. Please don't think this means anything other than what it is...just some breathing room."
The text looks good, go with it, if you haven't already.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
