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Ancaire Offline OP
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Becky...that was a song, too. I know it by heart. A group called the Maranatha's sang it back in the 1980's!!!

Guess what's playing in my head right now? smile


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Mutatio...for one awesome moment I would get to see the betrayed look on HIS face. It is a beautiful fantasy.

Fantasy it will remain. Knowing I could, with little effort, will have to keep my darker self entertained.

I'm choosing to keep the lighter side of me running the show.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Yes! Read the scriptures and listen to Christian music ad much as possible. Fill your head and heart with it. God will bring it to mind at the right time. It's not enough to stop negative thoughts. You must replace them with positive things.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Thanks so much, everyone! We beat the depression...it has faded so far back now, I should be able to manage it now.

Thank God for this forum. I wouldn't have made it without it.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
Joined: Sep 2015
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I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier Judy. But your H is still there and willing to try. I would give anything for that. I have heard Retrovaille is excellent for communication. So maybe that weekend can begin a healing process.


M: 27
03/15 - BD ILYBINILWY
09/15 -OW confirmed
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Ancaire Offline OP
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Thanks so much, Jpeg...you are correct. I know we all go through our own issues, but tonight, earlier, was so rough I almost gave up.

How was Thanksgiving? I was thinking about you and your family this weekend. I hope you had a really nice time together.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Ancaire, so sorry to hear that your fears were confirmed. I know that it must be horrible, but at least you don't have to wonder anymore. I know it's a small consolation, but it's a form of closure maybe? I'm glad that H wants to work on it and go to mc. I wish you the best, and I know that you will do great!

Good luck


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Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
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I do not know what I am doing.

I had to ask H a few relevant questions, because I never want to discuss it again after today. Things like,

(Me) "Were you smart enough to wear a condom?" (Such fun that question was.)
(H) Answer, "No."

(Me) "How old was she?"
(H) "38."

So not only STD' s to worry about, but possible pregnancy, too. Not one finger will be laid on me until after he gets tested. Not really worried about it at the moment, because I'd really rather see him dead, but I know that will change.

(Me) "Are you mad at me because you had to break it off?"
(H) "Yes."

(Me) "Well, why did you break it off, then?"
(H) "Because it was going to cost me a fortune once you and your lawyer were through with me."

Seriously? Not only am I Option B, but I'm a blackmailer now, too?

Honestly, I was back in the same state I was in earlier. Just wanting to disappear/die. I prayed for hours, asking why. Finally, some insight came to me.

God still hasn't given me permission to walk away. I guess I'm supposed to stay right here and fight. The insight (certainly not my own) was that H is a grown man. If he were really done, no amount of blackmailing on my part would make him stay, break off the A, and agree to both the MC and Retrouaville. Some part of him is aware he is screwing up big-time. He just finds it convenient to blame me, I guess. I do not like it at all. At this moment, I only have my principles and integrity to help me stay put.

Should I be glad he's answering my questions honestly? I don't know what to think. The impulse to divorce his butt is so strong right now. It's hard being obedient to what I know I should do, versus what I desperately want to do. I realize now, finally, that there is very little of this entire mess that is about me. My H is screwed up! There is nothing I did that could justify this treatment. I did have issues, but a truly committed spouse would have dealt with it. I guess mine just doesn't have what it takes.

So, I, broken as I am, am going to have to be the strong one. What did I ever do to deserve this? The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. My eyes are burning so badly from the buckets and buckets I've cried tonight. My heart actually hurts!

My H is a rotten, no-good creep...and I have to forgive him. If OW winds up pregnant, I will perform his vasectomy myself...with him tied down and screaming.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Ancaire, you are going through some tough times and I really feel for you.

Consider this key Sandi2 rule that hasn't changed and then apply it to what your experiencing in your sitch - do not believe 100% of what he says and only 50% of what he does and that 50% is the positive stuff.

To crudely summarise your sitch, your H has ended it with the OW and is with you, plus he's said a whole lot of things. If you saw someone on this forum posting something like that (but using more words of course), what would you say to them? What would you point them towards as to what should be their focus?

You are going to have to face some (a lot of) pain and anguish as you move forward, many say that the part of the R you are in at the moment is the hardest.

You are angry and you have every right to feel that way, this then possibly vacillates through despair and maybe a touch of optimism at times. It is completely normal.

What your H has been through can't change because it is in the past, what can change is how the future unfolds and how you do that is by focussing on the present.

You are in some ways back in your grief cycle and this time it has actual detail rather than what you had speculated, that's what makes it so tough.

Be conscious of how you feel, don't fight it, but don't let your feelings do the talking, put your DB head back on and formulate a plan for how you are going to cope with the next few weeks, between now and the MC and Retrouvaille, then stick to it. By drawing up the plan your goals will then appear and so you have something to focus on when your emotions are giving you a very rough ride.

Forgiveness is a tough thing and only you can work out whether to get to that point, but know this, the reason for forgiving is for you, not your H so it isn't you "giving in", it's you helping you to heal.

Keep on posting Ancaire as it is your outlet for all the pent up angst and anger that may otherwise being directed toward your H and then you might inadvertently derail things. If you feel at any time the conversation is getting out of hand or is going into areas you do not feel comfortable with at this time, walk away.

Maintain your boundaries and know that this is a phase in your R and that you are the one who can determine where things end up, having a plan and goals will help you to make sure you get it.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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Avanti...one day I hope I am as wise as you. I'll keep working on me until I am.

It's 3 in the morning, I'm wide awake, and can't stand to be in this house another minute. I think I'm going to go get a hotel and sleep tomorrow away. Never mind that I have things to do...I won't get anything done with this mindset.

My one worry is that H will think I'm giving up. I need breathing room. I guess I'll text him and let him know I'll be back. He doesn't deserve the consideration, but I suppose I should.

I think you were trying to say not to buy into the BS coming out of his mouth about the blackmail, and instead focus on what he's doing? I actually find comfort in that...except that is what he is telling his friends. I'll never be able to show my face again.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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